Anxiety Dreams About Cancer?

riley702 · July 2010

Is anyone else having anxiety dreams about their BC? It seems lately nearly every dream I have, I can relate back to my cancer. Currently, I'm in the space between chemo and meeting with the surgeon to discuss surgery. I've been (needlessly, I know) stressing about whether the surgeon will disagree with my wishes. I want a B-MX, and this surgeon is known for being pro-breast conservation.

I dreamed a few days ago that I was in an enormous mall, and had stopped into an eyeglass place (this puzzled me at first, but how many health care places are there in a mall?) to browse, and lost my purse. They had lots of lost purses, but not mine. I finally took one that was similar and went on. And wandered, and got lost, and I ended up a long way from where I started. As I was talking to them on the phone trying to get directions on where to go, they assumed I was at that first place and started arguing between themselves on how to give me directions. I'm yelling, trying to get their attention and tell them I'm not in that place anymore, but I can't get their attention as they continue to argue amongst themselves.

I think that last part is pretty clearly that I feel I'm in a different place now re: my thinking about my treatment, but am afraid they're not going to 'hear' me. I also know it's silly to worry about what may happen when I haven't even talked to the BS yet (I meet with him Aug. 9th), but tell my subconscious that! I'm less sure what the purse means, unless it's something to do with my view of myself. That old me (pre BC) is gone, and I've had to pick up the 'new' me that looks almost the same and go on.

Does anyone else do this? What are some stress dreams you've had about your cancer and/or treatments, etc.?

chrissyb · July 2010

Hi Riley702, sorry you've had to wait so long for an answer. I have never had a BC dream, but hopefully I can make you feel a liitle less lost. You need to go to see your general practitioner and get yourself some anti-anxiety meds. You are wound up tighter than a spring. When you see you BS you will be heard, because he/she can do nothing without your permission, so, even if he/she is more for breast conservation, the final descision is yours not theirs. It is your body and you will be heard. With all the treatment and recon, you will not be the same, you will be better because you will be a survivor. You just need to hold on a little longer and it will get better for you. May the loving arms of peace gently hold you and support you through your turmoil. Love n hugs. chrissyb

the4valentines · July 2010

I agree with chrissyb...get yourself some anti-anxiety meds. I also have crazy dreams since being diagnosed...I will wake up with my heart racing. I did talk to my primary care doctor, and he prescribed xanax. It really helps me rest when my subconscious takes over my dreams.

Regardless of the surgeons beliefs, you need to make sure your concerns are addressed. If you feel like he is pressuring you in a direction that you are not comfortable with, you need to seek another opinion. You need to feel 100% comfortable with your medical team.

Best of luck to you!

lisasinglem · July 2010

I love dreams, and I do believe they can be so informative about what is going on in our deeper consciousness.

I think you are very wise in your interpretation of your own dream. I think it is interesting that you dream about yourself being in "a different place", but when you ask for directions, the people who should know are "arguing" about how to help you without your input. If it were my dream, that would feel like I had no say of power in that situation - like I'm not really a factor, and the people are just deciding FOR me what should happen. I would also wonder why I didn't jump into the conversation and tell them that I'm not in the original place I was. I think that the purse is a beautiful analogy exactly as you put it.

The truth is, that even if the breast surgeon recommends conserving your breasts, it is still YOUR decision. He/She may recommend, but you always have the power to speak up and say what you want.

Some questions to think about: Why do you want the bmx? You may want to do some writing in a journal about it, and have clear answers because the bs may ask you that. If you have specific statistics or anything, you might bring that along too. So that you have some ammunition if he/she tries to talk you into something you don't want. On the other hand, you can listen to the surgeon and weigh what he/she says, and still come up with your own decision.

You should never go along with any treatment without your consent. And you don't have to.

riley702 · July 2010

Thanks for your kind words, Lisa (and chrissyb and Angel, too!). I do feel out of control. I don't like uncertainties, and having cancer is nothing but uncertainties, anxieties, and fears. The journal is a good idea. I was placed on Lexapro at the beginning of this and it seemed to help initially. I'll make an appointment to see my primary doc - maybe I need the dosage increased. I've been thinking that it's just that I'm in an uncertain stage and that once I have a plan and surgery date, the anxiety will subside.

I want a bmx because I have a TN, grade 3 tumor that was 4 cm. I also have dense, lumpy breasts. I feel like I dodged a huge bullet that it hadn't spread before I caught it. And I'm afraid that it will come back and I won't catch that in time. I know a bmx is no guarantee, but I'd rather have no breasts than face years of wondering if I'm doing enough. And there's the sneaking fear that I've already used up my luck and shouldn't press it.

And yes, I know how many times I've used the words uncertain, anxiety and fear. I AM afraid, but everyone always tells me "You're so strong." I don't feel strong. I'll see if my primary doc thinks I need counseling, too. I just felt that it was 'safe' to confess my fears here, since everyone here understands, because they're going through it, too.

leaf · July 2010

I hate it when people say 'You're strong' too. I'm in therapy, and for me I knew I needed it. (I was then diagnosed with a PTSD-like condition.)

Aren't we programmed to be afraid when a sabertoothed tiger comes at us? Isn't it a perfectly normal reaction to be anxious and afraid when we have a serious disease? We all want to be ready when there is a threat lurking around.

If you want to explore a treatment option, then I suggest you go for it and ask your doc directly. (I don't know if you need a referral for insurance purposes, and/or to get a recommendation for specific therapists.) Therapy is helpful for some people, but others don't find it helpful. We all have different needs. Its very helpful for me.

lisasinglem · July 2010

I think if someone isn't afraid when they are told they have cancer, there is something wrong with them. Of course we are afraid! We are all afraid. It does definitely get easier once you have a plan in place. After my surgery, when I got the final path report, I think my shoulders relaxed for the first time in 6 weeks. I was just so glad to know exactly what the extent of the cancer was.

I start chemo in a week, and I'm not looking forward to it, but now it just feels like something I have to do, rather than a death sentence.

I think we are strong, but I also think that we are just doing what we have to do to stay alive. That doesn't feel like "strength" it feels like survival. I'll take the compliment, though, when people tell me how strong I am. ;-)

heartnsoul76 · July 2010

Riley, it's so weird you should start this thread! Last night I had disturbing dreams all night - mostly about saying goodbye to everything I loved. It was sooooo sad!! I woke up depressed and cried - it felt like all the things that made me happy were gone. I just happened to have put in a call to my doctor (a psychiatrist) the day before to find out if I could get some medicine for the sudden, intense panic/fear I had been intermittently experiencing (never had anything like that before - I always felt so in control of myself). So he called back today and I told him about my dreams last night. He said that it was very common when you are faced with dealing with any kind of major loss - like my health, which I had always taken for granted. He said although my dreams were upsetting and disturbing for me, they were really just a way for me to move into a different phase of my life - the one that forces us to acknowledge our mortality. Still very, very sad for me. Hopefully, I can turn it around and make myself more appreciative of the things I love so much, like the woods I'm surrounded by. Can't shake off that sadness, though!

riley702 · July 2010

"Can't shake off that sadness, though!"

I know! I have a lot of things to work out, too. I told my Mom that I had just been blithely going through this thinking I'd do treatment and be done with cancer. And that I had just realized this thing is never going to be entirely over, even with a favorable prognosis, and that I will have to live with some level of anxiety for the rest of my life. Can you say 'denial' that it took me so long to 'get it'? Or maybe I just couldn't handle it before now.

riley702 · July 2010

Thank you, Nancy! It's very helpful for me to be able to talk about this with people who understand, in a way no one else in my life does, because they haven't been through it. I'm so glad I found this forum.

heartnsoul76 · July 2010

Hi Riley,

I think I'm still in DeNile, and I'm not sure I even "get it" yet. Last night I thought, "Make up your mind what to do, do it and don't think about it anymore." That would be a great attitude if I had worked through all my worries yet, but it feels like there's still so much to think through. And it also feels like it will never be done, so where does that leave a gal? Obviously, there's a fine line somewhere between thinking all this through to the point of contentment and to never stop thinking about some aspect or another of it. I think it would help if I wrote down my thoughts, and organized them. I have notes all over the computer, but I don't care what my son says - if they're not in front of me on paper, I don't really feel like I can see it all at once.

I tried to answer you last night, and I was blocked by that "oops, no more than 5 posts per day" rule. I wonder how they figure their 24-hour period...Haha, and this answer is nothing like the one last night, and probably tomorrow it will be completely different again!

riley702 · July 2010

I guess for me, the trick will be to reduce the anxiety to manageable levels from crippling levels, so the 'new' me can get on with something approximating a 'normal' life. We'll see how that goes! - Carolyn

heartnsoul76 · July 2010

Yes! No more freaky dreams!

"Crippling" is exactly the right word to describe these feelings - I guess mine have gone from "crippling" to "paralyzing" now. Next should be merely "fearful".

riley702 · July 2010

Yay! I got in to see my primary doc yesterday. I love that woman. She wanted to know the lowdown on my chemo, was dumbfounded (in a good way) that she couldn't palpate my tumor anymore, either. She was teary-eyed that I'd responded so well, because she had really been worried about me.

She listened to me about the anxiety and the unsettling dreams when I could sleep, and doubled my doses for both the Lexapro (to 20 mg) and the Restoril (to 30 mg), and said to let her know if that didn't work, or if I needed something else. I slept 14 hours straight last night! And don't remember any dreams. I'll take it. It will probably take longer for the increased dose of Lexapro to kick in, but for now, just not being exhausted is wonderful!

Anxiety Dreams About Cancer?

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