My wife just Diagnosed Stage IV right off the bat

My wife was just diagnosed right of the bat with stage IV invasive lobular carcinoma.  ER and PR positive HER2 neutral/negative,  Bloom Richardson grading of 1 (nuclear score 1/3 tubular score 3/3 mitotic score 1/3)

She is 44 years old,  she had a mammogram in August 2009 and everything was clear  about a month ago she found a hard area on her left breast (it wasn't really a lump but sort of a hard patch.  She went for another mammogram and there was some diffuse dense tissue so they went and did a ultrasound and  biopsy,  and low and behold it was cancer.  We were upset and worried but were somewhat reassured that in the thought that we must have caught this early.  The doctors scheduled a breast MRI which showed a large diffused mass in her left breast we Went to the surgeon to see about mastectomy and he felt it was too big for any type of surgical removal at that time. So we went to the  oncologist (which was right across the hall in the medical center) The oncologist  recommended chemotherapy called TAC to shrink the tumor  so it could be surgically removed  she was supposed to be infused once every three weeks for 6 weeks.  We scheduled the chemo treatment ASAP which included installing a "power port" for chemo.  The oncologiset also wanted a PET scan and a bone CT scan so they were scheduled the same week as the power port install and the start of chemo.

She went for the PET and bone CT Scan on a Tuesday, she had the port installed the next day and we were ready to start chemo The day after that. 

That Thursday we got ready with all my wife's goodies and stuff for her to do while the infusion was taking place, we cheeked in at the main desk and after about 20 min they prepared her for the infusion they took blood from her port and readied her for the chemo.  We waited in the exam room for the doctor for about a half hour. We wondered what was taking so long...

When she came in she had a unusual expression on her face and then said she had bad news. when she said that my heart went into my chest as I knew I was going to hear something I had dreaded since we first found the lump.  The cancer had metastasized to her bones.  The doctor started reading the PET scan results to us but all I heard was stage IV cancer. All I could think about was that my wife was terminally ill and how am I going to be able to tell our children that their mother was not going to be around much longer. I felt helpless and numb,  I  thought about the future of suffering she would be going though I thought about how I couldn't live without her as she is my partner and my best friend. I started to go into a panic attack.  I don't remember much of what the doctor said after that just that with treatment she could have years of life left.  She then said she would give us some time alone.

We both started to cry and hold each other I think we wept holding each other for about 10 minutes. But I wanted to hold her and keep her in my arms forever. The gambit of emotion was overwhelming!

The doctor eventually came in and we discussed a treatment plan,  I was in such a state of shock I really don't remember the actual conversation. She is having chemical castration and on a newer hormonal treatment med (name escapes me at this time) she is also starting a clinical trial with Avastin  She has gotten her first injection for the chemical castration and will start the hormone and avastin next week.  In the mean time she is scheduled for a needle biopsy of several of the mets in her bone.

I cant express the emotional roller coaster we have been through in the past month.  She has been less emotional than I have.  We all have a therapist and we have been seeing her regularly (I suffer from clinical depression so I have been seeing her for several years)  My wife is a fighter,  we are going for a second opinion at Fox Chase in Philadelphia and we have a contact who is scheduling us to fly to Houston to see someone at MD Anderson Cancer center,  This doctor doesn't believe in passive treatment for stage IV cancer in someone as young as my wife.  We are continuing to look for additional options and treatments.   I am also trying to get my children to go to Gilda's club Delaware Valley as it is close to us.  We told our children ages 12 and15 that mommy's treatment had to be changed and that she wold not be getting chemo at this time.

Emotionally I am a wreck,  for the past 3 weeks I have not slept well I wake up in the middle of the night and just worry and cry.  This diagnosis has truly devastated me. 

I guess I am writing this to actually get my feeling and emotions down and to try and help me cope with this situation.  I feel selfish for feeling this way and angry at myself for being so emotional and upset.  She is still active and healthy (besides the cancer) I need to start enjoying every last minute I have with her and support her any way I can.  But I am scared and frightened for the future, for my kids and wife and for myself,