A Heat Wave...can any of you relate?

I'm trying to write every day when I'm on the train. Can any of you relate to this... 

A Heat Wave 

July 7th, 2010...

Cancer diagnosis - check.

Uh oh! - check.

How do I tell my fiance, my sister and my poor mother??? - check.

Doctors, questions, decisions/pure anxiety - check.

Horror, fear, what am I going to do - check.

Feel out of control - check.

Try to be strong for everyone else around you - check.

(Realize today that at this point above, you didn't have a clue what the guts of this all really is--check.)

Day of the operation...so scared. So scared. Again, still not knowing what they're really going to do to me and ALL that could go wrong, all that will change...

You try to look at it all in so many positive ways as you're in sheer terror from the day you heard the word "malignant" and all that comes with that word.

And, oh...the people (some loved ones) who "know EXACTLY what you're going through"...the people who want you to be strong, your hair will grow back, you have to stay positive, the list is endless of all the comments and well-meaning idiotic statements others make....

But let's get back to having to walk around in sheer terror of something tragic going on in your life on a daily basis AND have to smile about it for everyone else!!!

The fear of the operations, the diagnosis, the chemo, radiation, are they going to find more cancer? Maybe they misdiagnosed me and they're going to call me because they made a mistake.

7/12-continued.

How are we (bc people) supposed to internalize, comprehend, digest, live with, deal with, accept, figure out all that goes with the word malignant/cancer?

How are we supposed to put it all in perspective?

How are we supposed to carry on with what we are today? With what we've experienced?

How are we supposed to continue our relationships when we are different people now?

How are we supposed to move past some of the resentment we have of loved ones that meant well but didn't have a clue--that we believe they should have "just known" because God knows it was so unbelievably obvious to us! How could it not be obvious to them? Duh!

How are we supposed to stop wishing this never happened?

How are we supposed to not live in fear (real fear) of it all happening again one day--at any moment--at any pain--at any blood test--at any mammo--at any ANYTHING!!!

How are we supposed to truly, truly, truly be calm, happy and not "heavy"?

How are we supposed to work through, get over the fear we had being rolled into the operating room? (I just can't put it in it's place.)

How are we supposed to work through, get through the fear of chemo? I wouldn't even know where to start!

How are we supposed to unravel the mind-f**k of laying on this table being burnt to a crisp, exposed, vulnerable, accept that you're being given something that your whole life they gave you these REALLY REALLY heavy "blankets" to protect you while having a test done...and yet...here you lay EVERY day getting zapped with everything they got and you're supposed to be ok about this? Every day!? You're supposed to accept this? Does it really work? Will it really help?

How are we supposed to feel really sexy with the scars?

How are we supposed to feel really sexy when we're so tired?

How are we supposed to feel really sexy when we're not the same anymore?

How are we supposed to feel really sexy when our hormones are shot, suppressed, removed?

How are we supposed to really feel sexy with gaining weight through this? Five pounds to a skinny person is 20 pounds to a heavy person so it's all relative! (I gained 20.)

How are we supposed to want or feel sexy enough to seduce our significant others?

How are we supposed to feel really sexy when our hair isn't what it was...isn't what we're used to...and is taking a really long time to grow back?

Knowing my diagnosis could have been MUCH worse, I never wanted to write/feel these feelings because I should be grateful. But I'm realizing that I do have a right to feel this way. My life, my diagnosis was no walk in the park for me so yes, it is ok that I'm not ok with a lot of things.

How are we supposed to live our new normal life?

Are supposed to just forget this all happened?

For each person the answers are all different and I guess that's just it...find your own answers and what works best for you in your world.

I titled this "A Heat Wave" from last week because while everyone was complaining about the heat (our air conditioners broke in our office) I thought to myself, "Just ignore it. Ignore the heat" and realized that I had to 'ignore' so much for the past year and a half. And now I can't ignore it all anymore...