Giving a voice to the dark feelings...

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BrendaAreYouA4
BrendaAreYouA4 Member Posts: 92
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I am a positive, upbeat, spiritual, reliable, and responsible woman.  I have gained many insights and blessings from my cancer experience, yet I feel fragmented.  I have my public side that I just told all of you about.  But...I have another side too ... my private side, that sometimes even my husband doesn't know about.  This side feels so dark and even though it may be a seed of a thought...'I don't think I'll make it 5 years' or 'I am so angry'...it can be consurming.  I'm struggling with giving myself permission to feel everything I'm feeling - to allow the very real and raw emotions of despair, sadness, anger, hopelessness.  While I want to believe in miricles and have faith that all will be well - I'm honestly not sure and the other things I'm feeling are very, very real. It seems that we don't allow ourselves to express the "ugly"- the dark side.  And this darkness is part of my experience.   I worry that if I give voice to my fears/feelings, it will give them too much power.  And another part of me is very aware of not wanting to make others uncomfortable. This is causing such internal conflict that I'm beginning to think can only be resolved by giving a voice to my darkest feelings.  So how do we live authentically, feeling and expressing everything - not just the faith, trust, positive spin that we put on our circumstances but also share the the other truths of fear, sadness, and anger?   Should these emotions be kept private and in the 'darkness' or can they be verbalized and shared?  What happens when they are shared?  Will we still be liked?  Will it be liberating?  If given a voice are we freed?  Do you ever get sick of telling everyone you're great, and you are great, but you are also carrying these hugely powerful moving emotions that you are afraid to share, that will make you seem less grateful, spiritual, negative, etc.    We've all heard a million times that the truth shall set you free so at what point can we give ALL of our emotions the space they need - a voice?.  And in doing so, will there be some peace?  Some cohesiveness?  Some healing?   I've mastered the "Pollyanna" but is it possible to master the authentic self and still be loved and not be consumed by the guilt of even having these thoughts and feelings?  I can't imagine I'm the only one experiencing this and would appreciate others sharing their thoughts on their dark side and how to navigate and integrate the good, the bad and the ugly.

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited June 2010

    Brenda ... I'm sorry you deleted your post.  I've been thinking about it for a couple of days.

    I remember what you wrote, so I'll write to that.

    I believe that at any given point in our lives we're fragmented.  Could be any major life event, not just cancer.  Somehow after my divorce, I was able to finish remodeling my home, sell it myself and buy a home in another state in 3 months time.  I was very fragmented and my feeling were all over the map.

    Yep .. we all have dark thoughts with cancer.  The only people who would understand this are other cancer patients and survivors.  Because we know there is no cure.  Others don't understand this concept.   A few months ago, my sis asked me if I ever worried that it might return ... she gets it ... yes, we all do, no matter what kind of cancer we have.

    I don't share my dark thoughts unless specifically asked about my experience and feelings.  I tried with my DH and it freaked him out .. and all he could say was ... "Baby it won't come back .. try not to think those thoughts."  Bless his heart.  His fear was huge.

    A therapist many years ago told me to walk through my dark thoughts just to see what was at the end.  The fear of my thoughts was much worse than the end. 

    Sending you love,

    Bren (another Brenda)

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2010

       I think it is normal to have dark thoughts every so often with this disease.....when I get that way, I feel I am not being negative, I am being realistic.  I am Stage lV and have been for many years and know there is no way I am just going to walk away from this.  Most of the time I am able to not really think about it all that much, which sounds crazy since I go for treatments every week, but I am very fortunate in that my cancer has not changed my lifestyle all that much.  I am still able to work and do things and it's not often I feel bad other than when I am doing a treatment that has bad SEs.  But believe me when my numbers go the wrong direction or my scans show new mets and progression, my thoughts are far from optimistic and cheery.  We are entitled to our dark thoughts.

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  • ctgal
    ctgal Member Posts: 3
    edited June 2010

    I am finding that the second year post treatment is worse psychologically than actually going through the treatment. I worry constantly. During my treatment my 32 yr old daughter got married and is now pregnant with a grandson. Even when there is such joy in my life I worry. I took and early retirement and I am convinced that working even part time is so much better for me. I am going to join a gym this week as part of my getting on with my life program.

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited June 2010

    "bump for Brenda"

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited June 2010

    I didn't see the original post, but Bin I LOVE what your therapist said about "walk through the dark thoughts to see what's at the end. VERY powerful thinking! Thank you for sharing that...

    I have been planning my own funeral since diagnosis. My daughter is now pregnant; got married last year. I saw the wedding and pray I'll see the birth.....

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  • spendygirl
    spendygirl Member Posts: 231
    edited June 2010

    Hi all - having a tough time today.  Sometimes it's all so overwhelming that I tear up.  I'll admit it, I'm afraid,  I'm afraid that I have this disease, I'm afraid of treatment and I'm afraid of the fear of recurrence.  I know that each of us only has today, and I'm usually very good at being thankful for my blessings and i still am, but it's different now.  I think there's a mourning period for our old lives that we will never have again.  I know there will be a new normal, I guess what I'm trying to say is right now, post surgery but before anything else, I feel like I'm in limbo and uncertain about what the future holds.  Plus the fact that I still hurt, had 6 ounces of blood drained from my breast on Tuesday (much relief).  Anyway....thanks for listening.  So glad you all are out there :)

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  • lymphtherapist
    lymphtherapist Member Posts: 57
    edited June 2010

    I was able to handle my breast ca dx in May. Awaiting for my surgery on July 6.  What put me over the edge....went for a dental check up and voila, they found three lesions.  They took punch biopsy to rule out malignant melanoma.  So now, I managed thyroid ca in 1999, ameloblastoma removal with jaw removal and reconstruction for 4 years, now breast cancer and awaiting biopsy results for mucosal melanoma.  I am just trying to breathe, let alone walking.........

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  • spendygirl
    spendygirl Member Posts: 231
    edited June 2010

    lymphtherapist:  Oh my goodness, I pray that your oral lesions are benign.  Please let us know.

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  • lymphtherapist
    lymphtherapist Member Posts: 57
    edited June 2010

    How kind of you.....

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  • Jelson
    Jelson Member Posts: 1,535
    edited June 2010

    lymphtherapist -

    you have certainly been through alot, I too hope these new lesions are benign and that your surgery next week is without complications or pain.

    Since you joined relatively recently, you might not be aware that there is a thread under Moderators at the bottom of the discussion board for people with multiple cancers. I believe the most recent post was May 20. 

    Good luck to you,

    Julie E

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  • lymphtherapist
    lymphtherapist Member Posts: 57
    edited June 2010

    Thanks Julie.  Will check it out. Appreciate your guidance.

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