Need perspective- on my husband

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RegulJ
RegulJ Member Posts: 244
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Some Background: we have been married for 10 years, no kids no pets. He is currently not working outside the home and has been taking care of me since my DX. He has been great- taking notes, giving opinions, asking questions, driving me everywhere....etc.

Lately it seems like he is shutting down. A few weeks ago he broke down and said "I might need to talk to someone about our cancer situation." Nothing has happened since then. We have a wellness community nearby with free classes but he won't go. I suggested couple classes- he said no also. I suggested a blog or journal- no go. Talking with his brother (who's wife also had a DMX)--no go.

Every time I try to discuss or mention seeing someone he shrugs and walks away/changes the subject. We can't even watch a sad movie without him getting that "sad face" and him saying he can't live without me if I die. (I don't plan on dying anytime soon).

I don't know what to do next- do I keep pushing him to see someone? Do I leave him be? I try to get him to talk to me - more shrugs.

 He always says how strong I have been and he doesn't know how I do it- I am not the type to break down. (I only cried once at the PS office when it finally hit me I was losing a breast).

I just don't know how to help him :(              Any thoughts? Suggestions?

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  • chillipadi
    chillipadi Member Posts: 151
    edited June 2010

    Men have a problem expressing themselves. They tend to keep things bottled up. This is really hard on them expecially when they feel that they are failures as husbands and providers. My husband used to have a successful business, but that ended around 12 years ago. I was first diagnosed two years after that. My DH has tried his best to provide for us (we have no kids) by taking on whatever part-time work and odd jobs he can get his hands on. When he got a full-time job a couple of years ago we were over the moon but, sadly, the company closed down six months later. DH has been having a really hard time providing since then, and we can't pay our bills, let alone afford cancer treatment for me.

    Like your DH, my DH does his best to look after me. This includes cooking, cleaning and changing the dressing for my wounds every day (I have ulcerated breasts). If this is not trying enough ("real" men aren't supposed to do these things, right?) whenever we are invited out for dinner with friends or family, we have to look at these people with no major health problems and hear them talk about their jobs, their children, their latest property acquisition, their new cars or their latest trips overseas. It's so depressing and we get so resentful. It's like we've been cursed or something.

    Meeting people is very trying when you feel like a failure, or that God has forgotten you. So recently I encouraged my DH to learn something new, Forex trading .He didn't know anybody at the three-day course, which he attended without me, and nobody knew anything about him, so that suited him fine. He enjoyed the change of environment and learning something new. It took his mind off the usual problems.

    Now, almost two months later, my DH trades Forex online from home every weekday, and he enjoys this distraction, especially when he's able to earn modest sums along the way (he's still learning, so he only trades a few dollars each time). He feels better about himself, and it gives him hope. He doesn't feel like he's stuck in a rut anymore.

    A change of scene is helpful. We try to get out at least once a week for a date, or to explore something new. Nothing expensive and nothing depressing (no sad movies!). Keeping stimulated is important.

    My DH has been getting more and better part-time work, so that has been encouraging him. It keeps him busy and productive and helps his self-esteem.

    We've also been making positive plans for the future. I tell him that, when I'm fully recovered, he can buy me perky new breasts which reach closer to my chin than my navel. We talk about moving away to a completely different location, maybe even a new country, for a fresh start. We've discussed selling our present home to buy an investment property that we can rent out for income. I congratulate my DH for making progress in his forex trading and say that, one day, we'll be able to help others overcome their challenges too. Thinking and talking positive helps.

    And I tell my DH everyday, several times a day, how much I love him and what a blessing he has been to me. And I hug and kiss him frequently. I never allow anyone to disparage him, especially not my family members. Rather than have them disrepect him, I choose not to spend time with certain members of the family. I always speak well of my DH to everyone. It's important to him to know that I'm proud of him and don't blame him for my trials.

     Your love and sensitivity towards your DH will see him through. You guys will get through this. 

     

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  • Lesinindy
    Lesinindy Member Posts: 31
    edited June 2010

    I cannot explain what is going on with your husband, but I might be able to shed a little light on what we (husbands) go through. My wife and I have been on this journey now for about 5 months and can see the end of the chemo stage. I was told in the beginning that my life would change and it has. Nothing is the same as before. Sometimes I am overcome by feelings of sadness and sometimes guilt. I look at my wife and I do not recognize her, her face is much different, she has no hair and her skin  has a gray look to it. A good percentage of the time she is sick or getting over being sick. Our activities has changed, we don't do anything other than shopping together. It is not her fault but she is not the same person she used to be. Cancer has a way of seeming to go on forever. I try to keep a good attitude, clean the house and take care of as much as possible, but the fact remains that I am not ill she is. Therein rests the guilt. You feel bad about wanting to have a physical relationship, a vacation, a night on the town, but this has not been possible with the chemo.

    You tell yourself that this is not fair, that you are in this together for better or worse, but the feelings are there and you cannot avoid them. You sometimes feel like you are in a deep hole with no way out. Your present is on hold, your future is uncertain and you cannot help be envy those around you. I have not missed a single chemo session over this illness and that in itself is a real strain. I get there first thing in the morning and find myself surrounded by very sick people (there is very little privacy at this treatment place). You leave feeling lucky to be alive, but there is a sad part that sticks with you. 

    Bottom line is you have guilt, sadness and an overwhelming sense of tiredness. You feel selfish but you cannot control the feelings, they are real. Thoughts of leaving the relationship have occurred (after treatments are over), but that only makes you feel more guilty. You have nobody to talk to because you are ashamed of the feelings you have. Everyone asks you how the wife is doing but few if any ask how you are doing and even then you don't think they could handle the truth. 

    This is the first time I have written down these thoughts and  I don't like what I see. Cancer has a way of bringing you both together and at the same time move you apart. Small flaws you had as a couple before seem to be magnified. It is hard being not sick when your world centers around cancer

    I can understand your husband, I can more than likely identify with many of his feelings and thought. I hope to weather this strom and come out the other side with a healthy relationship and someday get back to a new normal. It is just that you get really tired. 

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  • gojuman
    gojuman Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2010

    Well, I can't speak to your husband's issue, but have to agree with lesinindy's post.  I actually came on here to see if I was the only person feeling like this. 

    To make it even worse is that there's not only a feeling of guilt, but there's also a feeling that I'm doing this alone.  Everybody asks how my wife is doing...very few people (including my own mother - mind you my father just died of cancer in December) bother to ask how I'm doing.  Yes, it sounds selfish, but why doesn't anyone care what the husband is going through.

    Cancer sucks!  Of course I'm not angry at my wife.  She's going through absolute hell.  But why don't people recognize how hard it is for the spouse as well? 

    My suggestion, give your husband some room.  Have a friend speak with him.  It would be better received (in my humble opinion).

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  • chillipadi
    chillipadi Member Posts: 151
    edited June 2010

    Dear Husbands, you are so precious to your wives. I know because I love mine to bits and can't imagine life without him. My hubby tries to be superman, working when he gets work (no full-time job), looking after me, cooking, cleaning (tries anyway). He gets depressed and feels guilty too, but he keeps it to himself.

    Nobody ever asks how he is, nor do they offer any help to lessen his burden. His parents just came back from a holiday in Europe and his sister just bought an Audi, after buying her umpteenth property. Guess people just don't really want to know that someone close to them is suffering and they can do something to alleviate it. Maybe they don't want to be inconvenienced, or they're just plain scared to hear the facts.

    DH does not speak to anyone about my sickness or our situation. In our experience, most people take flight when you do, even people in church. There's a social worker at the cancer center where I'm receiving treatment, and she tries to help out by getting subsidies for us, sharing ideas and making introductions to people who may be able to help. She keeps her door open to us to talk to her about anything. She's a professional counsellor, so she doesn't make silly statements and judgements. Try and find someone like that to talk to.

    So my hubby and I talk to each other a lot and love each other with every gesture and action. We do simple, happy things together, like going for walks, experimenting with cooking, and watching Glee. I tell him that he must remarry should anything happen to me, because I want him to be happy. Spouses and partners who are trying their best must never feel guilty.

    I've encouraged my DH to pursue various interests. Now he keeps himself distracted with online Forex trading, robotics coaching and photography. These activities also create opportunities for him to meet other people, which gives him a change of scene. Sometimes, he also likes to visit IT shows, just to see what's new (we can't afford to do more than window-shopping). A change of scene and routine is highly recommended.

    Quantity isn't important. Quality is. The time you share together, the time you spend talking to just one person (like a kind-hearted counsellor), and the time spent doing something you enjoy.

    We wives love you Dear Husbands (and partners) who sacrifice so much for us! XOXOXOXO 

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited June 2010

    Les- I totally hear what you are saying.  My husband has quoted you almost word for word.  He has said that our marriage wasn't perfect before this BC diagnosis, and he thinks this has just made it worse.  I know he loves me and he is good to me.  I also know that it must be hard to have to be around sickness and depression constantly.  I fear that I will be worried forever and it will be the eventual end of my marriage.  I am so glad I read your posts because it makes me more aware that I need to take more time to acknowledge how he feels.  Both of you sound like such good husbands and you shouldn't feel bad at all for feeling the way you do....it's unavoidable.  I will keep everyone in my prayers and as I said I will definitely take what you said and work on making my husband feel better.  I have told him I wouldn't blame him if he did leave.  I feel bad for him having to give up a physical relationship with me and the conversations usually turn to BC before it's over.  I will make a conscious effot to cheer up and make this marriage work.  I will not let this stupid disease ruin my life completely.  I hope everything works out for everyone.  The fact that we are even concerned enough to write about it and try and get help has to say something for how our marriages are.  Everyone deserves to be heard.  Tell your husbands and wives how you are feeling.  I can't speak for everyone, but me personally, I would appreciate my husband telling me how he feels rather than keeping it all bottled up inside.  Take Care!  Allison

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