My husband can't make love to me

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blessed
blessed Member Posts: 83
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

It will be 3 yrs. this Sept. since my double mast.  My final re-con is this winter for nipples, lipo, nips and tucks to make my girls look like normal.  Surgery after surgery, just to get them to look half way normal.  I took the summer off to play and work outside, before the last surgery.

My dear husband was there, after the surgery dressing my wounds, telling me how beautiful I was.  He was my sea of calm, besides Jesus.

We have been married 33 years tomorrow.  It has been  building for months, no sex, no intimacy, we have lots of fun camping, scootering, hiking, but no closeness.  It all came to a head last night when I said I was angry at him.  He said all he can see is my chest after surgery and he can't get past that.  

We talked for a while about it, I am hurt, feel alone, ugly and, feel that he is shallow for not seeing ME.

Can anyone help us past this, we have been thru so much, he said he was sorry and he would work on it, I said I would have to work on it too, because I have lost a little something along the way for someone who loves me, but can't make love to me.

Where do we go for help in this matter?

Thank You and I am feel Blessed just to be here to have this hurdle. 

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  • modernmade
    modernmade Member Posts: 11
    edited June 2010

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been married 30 years, so I know what a mature relationship feels like. You have to admit - it's not just the BC and reconstruction - it's everything that happens at this stage in our lives; his health & natural decline of interest, the trauma and scare cancer brings, and so many other things. What's important is that the topic is out on the table now. Have you thought about seeing a counselor?

    I also want to encourage you - when you get your nipples this Winter and all the final touches - you will feel fantastic. There's nothing more attractive than a confident woman. Until then, you are not alone. Many of us are experiencing the same thing. Take this as a time for yourself.

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  • blessed
    blessed Member Posts: 83
    edited June 2010

    modermade, thank you for your kind and inspiring words.  As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, all I keep thinking is Why This?  All of the huge hurdles, Why This?  It seems so small and insignificant compared to all we have been thru, in my mind we were almost done with this!  

    I told him, that this is really small and that we could work thru this just like every other hurdle in our 33 years that have made us strong.

    It still does not keep it from hurting.  Why have I gone thru all this, just to have this negative reaction now.  What if the nipples make no difference, then what?

    No, we have not been to see a counselor, our church?  maybe, would rather talk to someone who has been there and done that, and I may be able to find that thru our church, guess I will try.  I get so darned tired of making this ok with everyone else, why can't they make it ok for ME? 

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  • Mybails
    Mybails Member Posts: 29
    edited June 2010

    It appears that your husband became your caregiver and altered the balance of your relationship.  I agree with "modernmade"  - counseling both couples and single.  He needs to see past the caregiving and back to the husband, and you need your confidence back.  Check with your pastor and/or your clinic for the names of possible people to talk to.  I haven't experienced it but have heard of others that had that happen.

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  • blessed
    blessed Member Posts: 83
    edited June 2010

    Mybails, thank you sweetie, I thought (maybe I am wrong) that I had confidence, but when my husband hinted at that several months ago, my confidence fell off the charts.  

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  • o2bhealthy
    o2bhealthy Member Posts: 2,101
    edited June 2010

    Oh Blessed I can hear the pain and frustration in your voice.  This damn disease takes so much from us!  We spend so much time making concessions for everyone else, making sure our loved ones and friends are 'ok' that one day we look around and realize our emotional needs are not being addressed or met.  I wish I had advise or words of wisdom for you, I am struggling with a similar loss but mine is more of loss of an emotional connection then physical.  I just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. 

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  • blessed
    blessed Member Posts: 83
    edited June 2010

    02bhealthy, love that name, if we only knew that having a healthy body was all there was to it huh?  

    This rips thru every part of us and those around us.  It plays with our minds, our emotions, our well being, our love, our compassion, our entire being.

    I will not let this take hold of me, I will not let this destroy 33 years of marriage, I will not let this break me, beat me down, I will move forward and fight as hard as I have ever fought, with both girls blazing "Look at me......I am the chest of the FUTURE"!

    But for now, I am e-mailing my pastor's wife, heeeheeee!

    Love you all, Love this Site 

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  • Colette37
    Colette37 Member Posts: 387
    edited June 2010

    Blessed..I am sorry that you are having to go through this too.  I have a marriage of 11 years and I have had to deal with a similar situation.  You are not alone.

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