When BC Leads to Divorce
Based on the following revelation (thanks to the awareness brought about by oncologists who through anecdotal reporting noticed a pattern of higher frequency than studies reported and the awareness that stemmed from the Elizabeth Edwards ordeal) I would like to suggest a Forum on
"When BC Leads to Divorce".
Source: Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center (Nov. 10, 2009) Men leave: Separation and divorce far more common when the wife is the patient
SEATTLE – A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called “partner abandonment.” The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.
The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.
“Female gender was the strongest predictor of separation or divorce in each of the patient groups we studied,” said Marc Chamberlain, M.D., a co-corresponding author and director of the neuro-oncology program at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA). Chamberlain is also a professor of neurology and neurosurgery at the University of Washington School of Medicine.
The study, “Gender Disparity in the Rate of Partner Abandonment in Patients with Serious Medical Illness,” was published in the Nov. 15 issue of the journal Cancer. The other corresponding author is Michael Glanz, M.D., of the Huntsman Cancer Institute at the University of Utah School of Medicine.
Why men leave a sick spouse can be partly explained by their lack of ability, compared to women, to make more rapid commitments to being caregivers to a sick partner and women’s better ability to assume the burdens of maintaining a home and family, the study authors said.
Researchers at three medical centers -- the SCCA, Huntsman and Stanford University School of Medicine -- enrolled a total of 515 patients in 2001 and 2002 and followed them until February 2006. The men and women were in three diagnostic groups: those with a malignant primary brain tumor (214 patients), those with a solid tumor with no central nervous system involvement (193 patients) and those with multiple sclerosis (108 patients). Almost half of the patients were women.
Chamberlain said the study was initiated because doctors noticed that in their neuro-oncology practices, divorce occurred almost exclusively when the wife was the patient. The researchers enrolled groups of patients with other cancers and with multiple sclerosis to separate the impact of oncologic versus neurological disease. The results showed a stronger gender disparity for divorce when the wife was the patient in the general oncology and multiple sclerosis groups (93 percent and 96 percent respectively, compared to 78 percent for the primary brain tumor group).
The study also found correlations between age and length of marriage and the likelihood of divorce or separation. The older the woman was the more likely her partnership would end. However, longer marriages remained more stable.
Researchers also measured some health and quality of life outcomes among the patients who separated or divorced. They found that patients used more antidepressants, participated less in clinical trials, had more frequent hospitalizations, were less likely to complete radiation therapy and more likely not to die at home, according to the study.
“We believe that our findings apply generally to patients with life-altering medical illness,” the authors wrote. “We recommend that medical providers be especially sensitive to early suggestions of marital discord in couples affected by the occurrence of a serious medical illness, especially when the woman is the affected spouse and it occurs early in the marriage. Early identification and psychosocial intervention might reduce the frequency of divorce and separation, and in turn improve quality of life and quality of care.”
Comments
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I can relate to the hardships that BC, reconstruction and lymphedema have placed on my marriage. I've noted other women reporting marital difficulties, separation and divorce during different phases of diagnosis and treatment. I agree that a specific forum to address the issue of divorce would support members of our community. Thank you, lionessdoe, for making this suggestion.
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While researching for school I came across two studies from the Netherlands if I remember correctly. One talked about marriage rates for women with cancer. Single women with any type of cancer other than breast or ovarian had the same marriage rates of single women who did not have cancer. The flip side was that single men with prostate cancer had the same marriage rate as men without cancer. Comforting to know that we care about the whole person, not so comforting to know that I would have a better chance of getting married if I didn't have a "female" type of cancer.
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So we lose on both counts.
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Moderators,
I support this new forum. This site supports us through all the trials of BC. This is just one more awful fact of life, and lionessdoe is right on target.
Dawn
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Recently I participated in Relay for Life. I noticed a lady standing alone and looking very sad. I approached her and we began to talk. She is a breast cancer survivor who had her last surgery just a few weeks ago. Her husband had left her, he couldn't deal with it. We were discussing this at my last onco appointment because I live in a small town and we do not have a BC support group, but need one. The nurses said that happens, some husbands can't deal with it and they just leave. For that lady, a fellow sister, and for all the sisters who live in small towns that don't have support groups available, I support this forum.
Susie
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Count me in! My soon-to-be ex went to his divorce lawyer two months after I was diagnosed and moved out six months after that. I was devastated at first, but then realized how much better off I was without him and that the stress of being married to him was not helping me heal. Once I was ready to proceed with the divorce he started dragging his feet so we're basically still at the beginning of the process. I can't wait until this is all over.
Thank you for starting this! I'm getting past the "poor me" feeling and getting past feeling like the victim in this so I hope those of us going through this can support eachother not in wallowing in the pain of divorce but in getting through it and moving on.
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Count me in! My soon-to-be ex went to his divorce lawyer two months after I was diagnosed and moved out six months after that. I was devastated at first, but then realized how much better off I was without him and that the stress of being married to him was not helping me heal. Once I was ready to proceed with the divorce he started dragging his feet so we're basically still at the beginning of the process. I can't wait until this is all over.
Thank you for starting this! I'm getting past the "poor me" feeling and getting past feeling like the victim in this so I hope those of us going through this can support eachother not in wallowing in the pain of divorce but in getting through it and moving on.
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Indeed, I support I need for this forum!!
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It is so hard to go thru the bc stuff anyway, then to put a divorce on top would be so hard. I'd like to be able to support any one going thru both. If a spouse leaves on account of this dx, I say good ridens! I think the stress of such a spouse would make it harder to heal!!!
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Very interesing. Another factor which commonly leads to divorce is having a child with special needs. Well I have a son with down syndrome and then in 2002 I was diagnosed with M.S. and got divorced in 2007 and now have breast cancer..... I'm thinking I'm not looking too good for long term relationships. My "boyfriend" didn't handle my surgery well at all and now time will tell if he will be OK with everything. No added stress just isn't helpful at all. Sometimes I have wondered if the stress of the divorce contibuted to my cancer. I was also moving and it was right after my Mom died so I guess it would be a lot of stress combined with why any of us get cancer.
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I think often in terms of prevention. Let's face it, a high proportion of men just plain don't read for enjoyment and learning. But a video that could be given on BC and lymphedema and what they can DO to make a difference in our lives before they reach burn out would save some marriages.
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This is a BRILLAINT forum!!! I'm with you lionessdoe, the more a partner knows upfront perhaps the better the outcome of the relationship?
I have a friend who is now divorced after her diagnosis. At first the husband was very supportive, but as therapies and surgeries went on over a year (and more to come), it just went down hill.
However, from the opposite end...I know 2 women, a friend of mine and a friend of a friend
who were working on filing a divorce, but then were diagnoses with BC, the other ovarian. They decided to not pursue (neither husbands knew they were filling) the divorce because of insurance. Now they're in these non-supportive marriages just because of insurance.If these women did go forward, do they have any protection? I suppose if they made the decision to leave, they'd be out? But if the husband leaves do they still have to pay the premium?
Terrible questions to ask, but I suppose it's reality for some sisters.
-catherine
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It happen to me. My boyfriend of 12 years stated he just liked boobs too much. I am grateful and so much better off.
Koda
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This is a BRILLAINT forum!!! I'm with you lionessdoe, the more a partner knows upfront perhaps the better the outcome of the relationship?
I have a friend who is now divorced after her diagnosis. At first the husband was very supportive, but as therapies and surgeries went on over a year (and more to come), it just went down hill.
However, from the opposite end...I know 2 women, a friend of mine and a friend of a friend
who were working on filing a divorce, but then were diagnoses with BC, the other ovarian. They decided to not pursue (neither husbands knew they were filling) the divorce because of insurance. Now they're in these non-supportive marriages just because of insurance.If these women did go forward, do they have any protection? I suppose if they made the decision to leave, they'd be out? But if the husband leaves do they still have to pay the premium?
-catherine
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JO-5 - I think you're right about it being "the straw that broke the camel's back"...at least in my case. My husband was just not meant to be in a relationship at all and he said he knew it before we even got married. He just failed to clue me in! Even though I supported him through all kinds of stuff that ruined things for me and our kids, he couldn't stand by me through cancer. And now I see that's ok cause you're right again...I am better off!
iHEARTu - re insurance for your friends, in most cases they would have only their husbands' COBRA as an option. I'm no expert, but from what my lawyers have told me in most states the law no longer allows an ex-spouse to continue on the other spouse's insurance. They would have that spouse's COBRA coverage for up to three years or the option of buying private insurance IF they could get coverage. Both options are pricey. Thank goodness for the new health plan. I just wish it would go into effect sooner. Once my husband and I are officially divorced I really don't know what I'm going to do. Currently, he's moved out and is not paying support so I qualify for medicaid (since I'm not working and I'm a stay at home mom). I suppose your friends could fight for their husbands to pay for their medical premiums, but when I suggested that option to two different lawyers they both said it would just be part of the support agreement, not anything extra. I guess it depends on which state you're dealing with though. For me, having insurance was not worth staying in a crummy marriage. The stress of that marriage would have killed me sooner than cancer ever would!
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Hi, new to the site. I was diagnosed in january and dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years in may (four days before my 50th birthday, ouch!). I know this has lesser implications than going through a divorce (did that 10 years ago), but it's still really painful. I know in my case that this was a problematic relationship all along, and I am truly better off without the drain on my limited energy and emotional resources, but it's hurt like hell. I think this is for two reasons: the double whammy of the diagnosis followed so closely by rejection; and the fact that I feel like I am no longer 'datable' in any conventional sense. Of course I would love to be proven wrong! ...but right now my challenge is to really accept being alone, to gain strength from my wonderful friends and family, and not waste any more energy on worrying about losing something that was draining me. Just my two cents, Kristin
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Hi, new to the site. I was diagnosed in january and dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years in may (four days before my 50th birthday, ouch!). I know this has lesser implications than going through a divorce (did that 10 years ago), but it's still really painful. I know in my case that this was a problematic relationship all along, and I am truly better off without the drain on my limited energy and emotional resources, but it's hurt like hell. I think this is for two reasons: the double whammy of the diagnosis followed so closely by rejection; and the fact that I feel like I am no longer 'datable' in any conventional sense. Of course I would love to be proven wrong! ...but right now my challenge is to really accept being alone, to gain strength from my wonderful friends and family, and not waste any more energy on worrying about losing something that was draining me. Just my two cents, Kristin
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Kristin - I don't think being dumped by a boyfriend is any less worse than divorce. I mean, with divorce you have to go through all the legal stuff but I think it's really the rejection that's the worst part of it. That's horrible for him to do that right before your birthday. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that along with a diagnosis.
As far as being 'datable', you might be surprised. I thought no one would look twice at me ever again. I was shocked when I met someone through a mutual friend and he said I was "hot"! No one has said that about me in over five years. We went out and had a great time and he's a great guy but he got really clingy really fast. And I'm so not ready to jump right into anything. I'm really enjoying having my space to myself and my kids and for once I'm really super happy being alone. Plus I'm not even officially divorced yet. But I got a new friend out of it and it was so great to be given a little attention after being neglected for so long. Sorry to ramble...my point is, you never know!
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twinmom - how long have you been divorced? What ages are your twins? Mine are 13.
I also agree being dumped by a boyfriend especially with BC I just think all men who treat someone awful because of cancer get put in the same boat. I also agree staying in a bad marriage is worse than cancer as the marriage was certainly killing me and my relationship with my kids and life. Now i have all of that back and even my ex as almost a friend. Dating - sigh another whole deal....
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I just want to define this topic a little better. The statistics show that men leave. The video I watched speaks of the hardship placed on men and the lack of information out there for them. I had a great marriage for 32 years. There was an insane amount of crisis' we didn't create that landed in our laps and we always worked through them. I don't believe that my cancer is the stick that broke the camel's back in my case. I know his need to deny and escape his own fear is what put him over the edge. Caregiver stress is huge. Been there, did that. It can do you in if you are not taking care of yourself too.He wasn't. If you do not have productivity in your life, purpose and meaning, a sanctuary for your own needs, you will burn out and begin to resent and hate the object of your care. The spouse with BC will become your problem. The thing you need to blame and escape.
I am not describing bad marriages that finally went broke. I am speaking of partners who just didn't know what to do.
Congrats to all of you who lost 200 pounds that needed to leave. There are situations that will rise up and clarify the neccessity for it.
But I am speaking of "When Breast Cancer Leads to Divorce",
I finally had a chance to watch the video "Partners in Hope; a man's guide to women's breast cancer". It was absolutely wonderful! Please, if you feel the need to use it check it out at:
It covers an entire section on "The fantasy of escape". I felt like I was watching all the reasons why my marriage disintegrated. All of the reccomendations by men for men on what is it they can do, just didn't happen. All the things they reccomended for men not to do, did.
When I get time, I'll post this else where! It was worth every penny. I feel so badly, cuz it's just too late.
Men are visual, that is plain to see just in their sexuality. A movie makes so much more sense than a book for most men.
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Men tend to bail on women with problems much more readily than women bail on men with the same or similar problems -- I think it's been observed across the board, not just for BC and other health problems, but for other issues as well. Sad. I had a boyfriend once who told me he expected me to stay in good health or he'd find someone else. I got out of that relationship. I don't wish ill on anyone but sometimes wonder how he'd feel if he were the one with a health issue and the woman said the same thing to him (at the time I was healthy so his comment was a surprise and a jab -- and a warning I heeded).
Anyway, I'm sure that BC complicates this even more, and divorce is heartbreaking no matter when or for what reason and no matter if you're better off without that man.... it's difficult to go through, period. But I agree, in the long run, better off without them! I don't see all men who bail as necessarily mean or selfish -- maybe a bit shallow but in large part just not able to deal emotionally and otherwise with the issues -- along with whatever personal issues they bring along.
If I ever date again (slim pickin's in my area)
it'll be interesting to see how men react to hearing I've dealt with BC -- I figure I'll probably break the news fairly early on in the relationship and weed out the duds in a hurry! Any man who can't deal with this isn't the man for me. I'd much rather be alone than be in a relationship that doesn't work for me. I don't expect a man to meet all my emotional needs (that's why I have friends and family, everyone seems to have their own unique place) but I do expect him to be able to truly commit.My best to those of you having everything compounded by going through any kind of break-up. Hold strong.
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lionessdoe - I guess I was confused when I saw the title of this topic. I understand now that you're talking about preventing this through more education for the spouse. So should a separate group be started for women who are past the point of prevention and just need support in moving on?
Some spouses/partners (like mine) were given plenty of opportunity for education and caregiver relief and outright refused it. My nurse offered to sit with my husband and go over things with him, we have a wonderful cancer care center that offers things like free one-on-one counseling, massages, reiki, caregiver support groups, pretty much anything you could think of to relieve the stress of being a caregiver and he refused that too. My family offered to do so much so that he could have a little time to himself to relieve stress and he wouldn't hear of it. He was my biggest cheerleader in the first month or so and then he snapped and that all ended. I told him it would happen and he didn't want to prevent it. Even during tx I gave everything I had to make it work and he simply didn't want to be married to me anymore.
I know I can't be the only one that this happened to so if this isn't the right place for support for women who are past the point of prevention please let me know and I'll be glad to start another group that focuses on getting through it.
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Stanzie - I'm not even officially divorced yet! He told me he wanted a divorce last August, moved out in February and now "doesn't have time" to go to his lawyer. I'm really looking forward to having this official and being able to put it behind me! My twins turned 4 a couple months ago and I'm really looking forward to them starting preschool in the fall...so are they! They didn't get a lot of socialization when I was in treatment last summer and fall so they, and mommy, need a little time apart!
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I have no desire or intention of discluding anyone from this discussion. You are right though. My focus is on prevention. There are so many factors to consider when dealing with the male ego. But everyone of us belongs here. I know my husband and I know if he'd had support, things would have been different. He didn't. He expected all the people he had helped over the years to just show up out of a sense of obligation, need and gratitude. They didn't and it broke his heart. He was too proud to ask. That's on him. My family lived in other states except one sister who was getting chemo for another disease and one sister who lived 1.5 hours away worked full time (contractual) with Lymes Disease. My friends showed up. Not his. Not his family either.I guess he didn't have any real friends like he thought he did! He certainly didn't have any tools.
I'm sorry if I made anyone feel like they don't belong. But if any of us coulld prevent it for someone else, wouldn't we?
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