My mom has just been diagnosed

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Addysons_Mommy
Addysons_Mommy Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hello everyone. This is my first post but I have been reading through the forums and I feel comfortable posting here. My mom had a biopsy last Wednesday & we received the phone call Friday afternoon (at 5 pm when her doctor's office was closing) that she tested positive. She met with a surgeon this morning and he told her he is confident that it is stage 1 or 2...she has a MRI to see if and where it has spread next Monday and he wants to do surgery next week to remove the cancer, followed by chemo. This has all come as a huge shock...I am only 24 years old and she is 49. I am an only child & I am very close with both of my parents and this has been particularly devastating so far. My mother in law is a two time bc survivor. I have a 6 month old daughter, so one day I am going to have to explain to her that both of her grandmothers had breast cancer. We are all very hopeful on the outcome of mom's treatment...except mom. She is depressed and upset and no matter what anyone tells her, she is convinced she is going to die, which is very hard to hear her say. 

 It makes my mom upset to see me upset so I am trying to hold it together but sometimes I start to cry and I feel like I can't breathe. I have a 6 month old to take care of and it is so hard. I regret every mean thing I ever said to mom & I want to just cling to her but I know that is not what she needs right now. I am heartbroken. Everyone around me has been very supportive but I don't feel comfortable talking to people because I feel like I am burdening them. 

I am feel badly for every one on here that is or has someone close to them that is battling breast cancer. I wish for healing and above all else, I wish for a cure, especially for my baby girl so that she won't go through this when she is older.

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  • Laurie_R
    Laurie_R Member Posts: 262
    edited June 2010

    You might want to suggest to your mom that she join us here.  There is lots of information and support here as we are going throu the same things and there are special threads for the different types of breast cancer.

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  • Suzanne3131
    Suzanne3131 Member Posts: 3,953
    edited June 2010

    I am sorry for what your family is dealing with.   Try to take it one step at a time.  The surgery will reveal many more clues as to what your mom is dealing with.  This is still incredibly fresh, and I think your mom will realize that breast cancer does not mean she's going to die.  Try not to spend your energy feeling guilty for times past~better to spend your energy positively...love your mom and love yourself and love your baby.  And keep breathing.  Best wishes to you and your family.

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  • Addysons_Mommy
    Addysons_Mommy Member Posts: 4
    edited June 2010

    Thank you so much for the replies. Laurie I told her about the website & set her up an account so I hope she will get on and it will help her. Suzanne, that is just about the sweetest thing anyone has said to me about this and I thank you for your kindness

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  • goldengirl12
    goldengirl12 Member Posts: 51
    edited June 2010

    Hang in there! My sister was diagnosed 3 months ago with Stage IV and it was a complete shock! I cried a lot. I was pregnant with my second baby, due to give birth at any moment. I can completely relate with you when being faced with caring for your baby and watching a loved one face the many decisions and obstacles of breast cancer. It is not easy. You and your family will go through good days and bad days. Allow yourself to have a bad day without feeling guilty. And when you see your mom, try and have fun with her and don't look at her as a cancer patient, she is still your mom. : ) 

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  • sunshine29
    sunshine29 Member Posts: 5
    edited June 2010

    Hang in there hun.  I'm around your age as well and my Mom was recently diagnosed, so my heart really goes out to you and connects with what you wrote.  I don't have much else to add, the others posted so elegantly.  Just thinking of you and your Mom.

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  • iris
    iris Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2010

    I know exactly how you feel.  My mom was diagnosed with stage 1 invasive ductile carcinoma in her left breast 10 days ago.  She had an MRI on Wednesday.  They called on Friday to tell her that there's a problem with the right breast now.  I'm heartbroken too.

    I was there when they broke the news that she had cancer.  I was there when she got the phone call.  I can't help but cry with her.  I don't know if that makes it better or worse for her, but I can't help but cry.  I'm crying now.  Aren't I supposed to be the strong one for her?  I just feel very scared and shocked right now.  I don't know the best way to help her just yet.  I sometimes wonder if it's bad that I cry in front of her.  Shouldn't I be the positive one?  All I feel is shocked and numb, wondering what's going to happen next.  What if it's in her lymph nodes?  So many unanswered questions.

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  • Addysons_Mommy
    Addysons_Mommy Member Posts: 4
    edited June 2010

    Thank you everyone for replying- makes me feel like I am not alone. All of my friends & family tell me they are here for me if I need anything, which is very nice of them, but I just don't want to talk to them about this. Mom's surgery is fast approaching and she is what you would expect- scared, nervous, depressed. I feel all of the above myself- I find it very difficult to sleep or eat. It seems like I was given the greatest gift of my life (my daughter) but now I am losing the most important person in my life (my mom). TL10, I am sorry you had to experience the shock of your sisters diagnosis when you were pregnant- that is something I cannot even imagine. The stress of running my household financially, juggling my job with my husband's ever changing work schedule and trying to find child care (my mom was Addy's babysitter but that is on hold for obvious reasons), on top of the ever present fear of losing my mother is all really getting to me. 

     My husband, my mother in law, my daughter & myself all have a vacation planned for next month. It was paid for long before we got this terrible news. IDK how I can go while my mom is here going through chemo. But she would not want me to stay because of her & it would probably make her very mad if I did. Still, IDK if I should just tell my hubby to go without me.

    Mom has a MRI tomorrow & pre op on Tuesday...I will be back on to update...thank you for giving me a place to vent and for understanding :-)

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  • Laurie_R
    Laurie_R Member Posts: 262
    edited June 2010

    Iris,

    All I can tell you is what I want from my own kids. 

    First off I'm 59 and my girls are 39 and 33 so they are older then some of the other childeren of the gals here.  What I want from them is honesty with me as to their feelings and advise that they may have.  And if that means thet cry in front of me than so be it, thats part of being strong.  Sometimes what we need is someone to cry with.  You can cry together, get it out, and then face the next step even stronger. 

    Ask  your mom what she needs from you during this period of time and follow throu to the best of your ability.

    Laurie

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  • Addysons_Mommy
    Addysons_Mommy Member Posts: 4
    edited June 2010

    Thank you Laurie- I would do anything in the world for my mom. She is a very private person and she says she wants to deal with it alone so I have been trying to focus on positive things when I am around her- mostly my daughter. When we first got the news, she was terribly worried about me & my dad. My mom is a very sweet person & always puts other people before herself. She feels like she is burdening us (not true) and she feels guilty, that is the one thing I believe she has been most upset about. So I have been trying not to show her how upset I really am because I feel like it will make her feel worse. 

    I will ask her tonight what she needs from me but I know she will say nothing. I really do wish I could get her to open up, but right now I am trying not to pressure her and to give her the space she needs, and to be there when she does need someone to talk to. I am an only child and she doesn't have any friends or family- my grandparents are passed, her sister is also passed, and the rest of her family lives pretty far away. My mom's whole life is me, my dad, and my daughter- my dad has been there for her every step of the way. My dad & I will be with her on Wednesday when she has surgery- I think she will feel better when she has this first step behind her. 

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  • Laurie_R
    Laurie_R Member Posts: 262
    edited June 2010

    Iris,

    One other sugestion would be this web site.  There are several threades where she could find new friends, lots of support and loads of information. Stay strong and know that we are here for you too.

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  • Colinsmommy
    Colinsmommy Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2010

    Unfortunately, I am in the same boat.  I am an only child and my mom and I are best friends.  I have a 3 year old little boy and she helps me with him every weekend-all weekend long.  We  are an extremely close and small family and she just got a call on the 18th saying she has Stage 0 breast cancer.  Needless to say, I am quite scared.  I never let her see me cry and try to be strong for her.  Her mother had breast cancer as did her great grandmother.  Neither of them died from it.  Both had mastectomies.  My mom is 52 and I am 31.  Even though I am not a child anymore, when I'm with my mom, I can tell her anything and just be myself.   As far as what you said about clinging to your mom, I know EXACTLY how you feel.  But you're right...she doesn't need that. She needs us to be strong.  Good luck with everything and I'll keep you and your family in our prayers.

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