just whining about husband

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hopeful34
hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I don't know if I am being extra sensitive or what, but I just had surgery last Friday the 21st, and right now I am sitting at home waiting on my husband to come home.  He went to the ER for acid reflux that has been bothering him for months now.  By no means, do I mind him going to get it checked out, but I have a doctors appointment in 6 hours and I can't even get him to pick up the phone or at least call me to tell me what's going on.  He left mad, because I wanted him to go to the grocery store.  The first couple days he was very nice, cleaned the house, cooked, etc. BUT...since then, I have been doing all the housework and the only time he seems to be concerned is when someone else is around.  For instance, we went to my MIL's house today for a cookout and he was worried about me carrying the leftovers for fear it might be too heavy.  When my mom came over he was afraid for me to hand her my sons baseball uniform, because he said it was too heavy.  Meanwhile, he was upset that I was at moms showering today and didn't go to the store to get soda (pop).  I feel like maybe I am being overly sensitive.  Do the pain meds make you depressed more than normal?  I just feel like for once in my life, maybe he should be a little more compassionate instead of now, after months of acid reflux, leaving the night before my doctors appointment, leaving me here to worry all night until he gets back.  I just think he could have went before surgery, or wait a couple weeks.  I even find myself feeling bad, like maybe I am being a big baby.  But really I think I have been pretty tough.  I haven't made him do anything for me.  I have been doing so much more than I am supposed to be doing.  I feel like right now I am put in a situation where I don't really have any other options, but to put up with his cry-baby attitude because I need someone to help me through this.  I don't mean to sound so self-consumed, I really do hope it's nothing serious because then I will feel bad for suggesting he wait to go to the hospital.  Sorry for rambling on.  I just needed to vent.

I realize in the big scheme of things what I am whining about is nothing.  I just feel angry and sad and unloved today.

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  • debbie6122
    debbie6122 Member Posts: 5,161
    edited June 2010

    Allison- It sounds like you need a big (((((((((((hug)))))))))))) What you are feeling is a normal process of what you are going thru, I know myself and other ladies I have talked to tend to get very emotional during TX and you have every right to. No one really understands what we go thru, I know my husband was pretty good (most) of the time, but not always we had our fights, I was very emotional and cryed most of the time, but he didnt always understand either, but it was hard on him too, maybe your husband is scared and acting out for fear of what is happeining to you, but either way he needs to be there for you during this diffacult time in your life, Im so sorry you are having to deal with this right now, I hope your husband is ok, but dont feel guilty you havnt done any thing wrong- Hang it there it will get better

    gentle hugs,

    Debbie

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  • vickieo
    vickieo Member Posts: 5
    edited June 2010

    I agree, men tend to deal with this in different ways than we would expect. Sometimes they just don't know what to do and this is so hard on them as well. I suggest good communication, my husband is not good at communicating his feelings and it comes out in other ways. You will get through it, hang in there. It is okay to feel what you are feeling- you had major surgery and you are right no one really know how you feel unless they have heard the word "cancer"

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited June 2010

    Thanks to both of you ladies.  I am doing much better today.  He came home and they just prescribed him stuff for an ulcer.  He said "i know you don't think this has affected me, but I have been stressed out too."  I basically told him what I wrote on here and he was nice.  I just think sometimes I can't do anymore.  I told him, I am trying to be tough, but I need more help.  Hopefully, he will be a little more helpful.  I never dreamed the emotions that come with this would be so up and down.  I fee like such a cry-baby some days.  I  will say the physical is no where near as bad as I expected.  I went to see my PS today and he said I need to chill out some and quit doing so much.  It's hard to sit back and do nothing.  I am kind of OCD with my house, so it is hard to not dust or sweep even though I am not supposed to lift anything over five pounds for the next eight weeks..well seven weeks now.  I cannot wait til July 31st.  I start chemo next moth though, so I guess I better get used to depending on others for a while.  Anyway, sorry for rambling and thanks again.

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  • AuroraL
    AuroraL Member Posts: 33
    edited June 2010

    don't be sorry!!!!  man, i am so tired of hearing how hard it is for the men!  what a bunch of babies!!!

    basically, what i have learned, is that i am stronger than i thought, and from what i've seen around here all of these ladies are as well, and i bet you are too! 

     best wishes. 

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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited June 2010

    I agree AuroraL

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited June 2010

    aurora- thanks for the honesty!  LOL.  I am glad to hear it.  I know alot of women worry that they are single with this BC thing, but I sometimes think it would be easier.  I get sick of having to worry about me and him.  I love him, but I get annoyed with him alot lately that's for sure.  Thanks again for making me laugh.

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited June 2010

    Thank u so much ladies! it's been awhile 4 me, bdmx, then chemo 22 sessions, and still, no energy, crying alot, and i hear how much this has affected HIM!  he tries hard, he was never the strong one in our relationship, but now omg...... i am so tired, and so tired of having to ASK.. its over a year, he should,ve figured it out by NOW!... i just felt like i had 2 heads, till i read this thread.  i guess we all have to fight to find a new normal here, also..light and love 3jaysmom

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  • debbie6122
    debbie6122 Member Posts: 5,161
    edited June 2010

    Yes this is about us and our cancer and having to fight to stay alive we shouldnt have to worry about other people, but when my daughter was dx with BC 2 1/2 years ago at age 30 with an aggressive type of bc before i was DX i went to stay with her for 6 months while she was going thru her surgery's and TX- And while it was harder on her it was hard on me as well so i still stand by my statement by saying  It is hard on our familes too!!

    Gentle hugs to you Hopeful and 3jays you are in my thoughts and prayers

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  • hopeful34
    hopeful34 Member Posts: 1,569
    edited June 2010

    debbie6122- I see what you are saying.  Being a mother myself, I always say I feel far worse for my mom than myself.  I can't imagine what it is like to see your child go through cancer,chemo, pain, etc,  I don't mean to make it sound like I don't have empathy for my family, because I do.  My point is just that my other family members seem to be more of a comfort, while my husband seems to worry more about himself than me.  Thanks for your comments, Take Care.  Allison

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  • debbie6122
    debbie6122 Member Posts: 5,161
    edited June 2010

    Hi Allison- I thought what auroa said was funny, i chuckled too, Some husbands can be jerks, im sorry that you are having to deal with him at this most diffacult time in your life- Maybe you can have him read some stories on here and see if that helps him be more understanding- I wish you the best

    angel hugs

    Debbie

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  • AuroraL
    AuroraL Member Posts: 33
    edited June 2010

    Yes I didn't mean to offend.  Of course it is hard on family members, I'm talking strictly about whining husbands here.  My sisters surprised me by the depth of their concern about me and their efforts to help me (emotionally and physically). 

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  • debbie6122
    debbie6122 Member Posts: 5,161
    edited June 2010

    Aurora- You didnt offend me at all, You were right about making excuses for our husbands, I say if they are whiney then kick em to the curb, and fast if they arnt understanding (smiles)

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  • angicpa
    angicpa Member Posts: 67
    edited June 2010

    Jumping in here, I felt the same way about my husband for months after the surgery.  All I could do was observe how everything he did (or didn't do) was wrong, inconsiderate, selfish. Even though I could rationally see how he did nice things for me, it either wasn't enough or not what I wanted at the moment.  I spent a lot of energy in that mood.  I just mostly sulked so as not to cause arguments because I was so confused about "is it real or is it me?".

    The mood has passed for the moment, but I'm about a month into my tamoxifen treatment, so I suspect it will rear its ugly head again.

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