What we WISH people would say.

Stupid sayings.  Have to share one from my dear mom.  She has not seen me since lump first found, called 2ce since diagnosis Feb 5th.  After my lumpectomy March 17th even though she promised to come help she came up with 100 excuses why she couldn't. I am 45 with 2 busy kids and a husband that works out of town, and would have appreciated the help, but whatever. The kicker though was a card she sent me this week.

The outside says:  With loving thoughts and good wishes.

Oh and it includes a bookmark that says:  Love has a healing power all its own.

Inside: Hope you can feel the loving thoughts of caring and support that surround you today and always, hope you feel better soon.

HA!  Surround me.  From 3 hours away and from 2 phone calls.

Then she writes inside cover.

"Soon you'll be back to work and having fun."

So crazy it made me laugh. 

It's been proven that men's first instinct is to "fix" it. And...as we all know....you can't fix stupid!

Wow, this thread has brought tears to my eyes, to see all the support and love that y'all have found and/or wished for.  I agree with every word.

Yeah, men want to fix things. What's up with that?   It's a great instinct when the furnace is broken, but otherwise, sheez!

I love the article you posted, Nancy.  I wish everyone one would read that because sooner or later everyone will be touched by cancer...

A year after I had moved back to IN to take care of my declining mother (her own cancer plus dementia), I found my cancer.  I was not only trying to deal with all of her issues and take care of her, now I had to try to take care of me and go through treatment, too... alone.  And in the middle of my radiation, mom died.  I was truly overwhelmed.

I was so grateful for hugs, especially the "deep" ones.  And I agree, don't say "how can I help" -- find a way and do it!  One of the kindest things anyone did for me was invite me to dinner at their house -- neighbors I barely knew -- it was so good to have a break from caring for my mom, have a homecooked meal that I didn't have to fix, and just relax.

A hug to all of you!

Melinda41 ~ Awesome story!

Warm and fuzzy that happened to me.

I have a good friend, J., an ex-co-worker from the time I worked for the State Emergency Management.  She has been heart and soul close to me. I had a revision surgery a month after the first one, and got out of the hospital on the 20th of November. Then my boyfriend had to go to drill. He was back two days before Thanksgiving. We had talked about the Thanksgiving dinner, and decided to just get over it that year, as there was no chance I would be able to cook it (wasn't allowed to lift more than 2 lbs) or that he would be able to do it by himself, even with me directing him. And the way I was, there was no way we could go out for dinner. After that I talked to my friend J. and when she asked me what are we doing for Thanksgiving, I said that we won't be having Thanxgiving dinner and why. In the morning of Thanksgiving day she was at my door, with bags and bags, she brought everything! All nicely set in one-use pie-pans so they could be easy to heat up in the oven - one pan of dark turkey meat, one of white turkey meat, green beans caserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, and a pecan pie. Everything for a Thinksgiving dinner for two! It brought tears to my eyes.

I has been 17 years since my mast surgery but I still remember the fear, anxiety and worry about the future.  If it wasn't a friend who took my youngest daughter to stay overnight before surgery, the mothers of my oldest daughter who brought food over after I came home from the hospital...other people in my life...some of which are related....were not there for me and my family.

 I don't know if this forum was in existance back then....I really would have been helpful.

But  "What we wish people would say"...brings me to a father of one of my daughters basketball team members from high school.   We were sitting in the bleachers...me in this wig and he just sat next to me and said....I just want to tell you that you are a very brave person.  

Most of the other parents knew what I was I going through, but never even asked me if I needed anything.  I tried to rationalize that they just didn't know what to say.  But in reality, saying nothing is worse.

Pat 

After my surgery, one of my dearest friends (like a sister really), took time off, drove from half a state away and stayed with me. She cooked for DH and I, curled up on the sofa with me and cared for me for a week. But the most wonderful thing was how she looked at me. I could tell that she thought I was brave, but in her eyes I could she that she thought I was beautiful, too. I must have been anything but, but with that look I felt the most beautiful of my life. 

The other thing was flowers. So expected, flowers for the sick, but the house filled with them. It was like a florists shop. we had to push them aside to get to the table. Flowers in the kitchen, flowers in the bedroom. I found out that a lot of people cared.

What I wish people would say (but know they can't): "I am sorry you are dealing with the cancer, hurt, anger, sadness, and fear. Here, let me give you a break and borrow all of those from you for the weekend. I'm sorry. You'll have to pick them up again on Monday, but I would like to give you a break." Okay, it is a fantasy. I like to think about the fantasy sometimes.

I told my sister about my mets diagnosis tonight and she cried a bit. Sometimes that's what we need - someone to cry for a moment with us because, after all, if she didn't love me she wouldn't cry.

Leah