Lately I'm Preoccupied with Dying

Hi Barb,

I'm not Stage 3, but I couldn't help but notice your post... ((((HUGS))))) to you, dear! Years ago I was in a very dark place in my life where it all just seemed hopeless. Things eventually got better and life was good. Of course, then I got wapped with more garbage, and then cancer. But, life is still pretty darn good. When you are that down, remember that things can only get better! Have you talked to a counselor? You have been through an awful lot, and the brain injury in itself puts you at higher risk for depression. You might find a good therapist to be helpful, and perhaps some medication. I'm glad to hear that you "wouldn't do it." My exhusband committed suicide and it was incredibly traumatic- I cried every day for months. Keep thinking about your family, how much they love you and need you. I don't know if you are a praying type of person, but I just prayed for you and will continue to do so.

Barb,

I'm so sorry that you are in this much pain. I don't know what else to say- I wish there could be something that I could do to make it all go away. It sounds like you have been blessed with a wonderful family!  

Dear Barb,

You are strong enough, I know where you're at, I'm there myself, but each day I keep plugging on.  I know life can be terrible and daunting, but please just focus on this moment.  Don't look at the past, or tomorrow, we are best to keep attention on the present.  Our minds and thoughts can make us crazy.  Please realize you are meant to be happy and enjoying this moment.  Just keep going.  Or, as Dory says, "just keep swimming...".   You are living not only for your farmily but for You!  My best thoughts are with you to pull through this pit and to find joy with the gratitude you are practicing each day. 

Barb - I am sorry that you feel this way.  I can clearly remember thinking that I didn't want to go through this and that I would rather just die.  But, like you, I love my family and didnt want to add more drama and sadness to their worlds.

I kind of took on a "fake it til you make it" attitude.  I pretended to be happy for my family's sake, I pretended to want to do things.  I pretended and smiled for the camera.  I wanted to leave them with good memories not sad ones.

And little by little, I became happier.  I am enjoying my life and hope with all that I have that I have a long life but I am trying to squeeze as much good into it as I can. 

I don't know if this helps - probably not - but I am sorry and I will be thinking of you and hope that today you can find one little good thing in your day that makes today worth living.

A zillion hugs are being sent your way. Please contact your health professionals today and let them know how you are feeling. Meds can be adjusted or changed and it can make a big difference. Suicide ideation cannot be ignored. I know first hand as my daughter had thoughts of suicide, but said she would never do it. She tried three times. Luckily she wasn't successful. I will be thinking of you......you do not need to battle this on your own.

Barb, I don't have any great words of wisdom to add here but I need want to reach out to you and offer my support.  What we are going through really sucks and unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't stop to make things easier for us.  We still have the day to day problems of living to deal with on top of dealing with having cancer.  I had a mini meltodown last night and spent quite a bit of time crying over the unfairness of this which is why your topic caught my eye this morning,  I hope that you can find some help through friends, family, meds or a spiritual outlet to bring you some peace.

Barb, I am so sorry for how you feel. I was just thinking today I would rather die in a car accident then from Cancer. I wonder if it is just PTSD. No matter how much time I have or don't have I don't want to live it in fear. I am pissed that fear robs me of so many moments. I think you have to try and find it in yourself to fight the fear. We are all here for you. I would hope you would get some professional help or tell your oncologist.

Namaste!

Shanagirl,

{{hugs}}, prayers, thoughts I am sending your way.  I am so sorry you are going through such a dark time.  I want to get a few of our sisters here and pick you up and carry you to the other side where there is hope and light and love.  It may take longer to get to the other side than you will find comfortable but please know there are enough of us here to carry you till you get to a better place.  Please know that we are here, that you can lean into and on us and we will take some of the weight of your burden until you are strong enough.  Feel our hands holding yours, know we are touching your tears to make them more bearable. You are not alone, you are a wonderful unique woman and we need you in our lives.

Love to you,

Karla

Karla, what a beautiful post, that hit me very hard.  Wiping the tears away.....

Barb, sending gentle hugs your way   First off, you are amazing, and a real fighter, you came out of a coma!  My mother in law had a brain hemorrhage/coma at 35 years old and is confined to a wheelchair and can't speak or understand much, so I know how serious that is.  I had a very rough night last night and I think I scared my husband pretty bad with all the crying.  Sometimes it's all just too overwhelming.  I feel like I am in a nightmare or a fog I can't see through.  I want to know how this story is going to end.  I want to go to the last page in MY book and see that I DID live to be 80 years old and saw my kids grow up, and that I don't have to worry anymore.  I want a guarantee.  I realize that isn't going to happen, and if I have to live my life with the feelings I have right now, I'd rather not be here.  I just keep holding on to hope that one day I will find joy in my life again and not dwell on this.  I think this is still too fresh for a lot of us, we haven't had the time it takes to get through the shock and devastation of a cancer diagnosis.  Hang in there Hugs.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.  Please think of your family and how much they love you no matter what.  I don't know what to say to make you feel better, except send you virtual hugs, prayers, and support. I second the recommendations to see a therapist - I saw one a couple of times and it did wonders for me. 

Not sure if this will help or not, but a good friend of mine has a friend that lost her husband in September unexpectedly in a car accident.  They had a 6-year-old girl, who is now under sleep medication because she can't sleep anymore afraid of what may happen as her dad went so suddenly. I think in many ways a sudden, unexpected death (like suicide) may be worse for kids.  So please think of your little ones and show them how to be a fighter no matter what life gives you. They'll be forever grateful for seeing their mom be so brave and fight so hard without giving up.  Think of your family and all the ways in which you make each other happy, albeit the circumstances.  You'll be looked as a hero in their eyes for putting up a good fight.

Much love,

Marcia

Barb- I am so sorry you're in a dark place and feeling so low.  I didn't talk about it here, but I noticed that a close friend was getting really down, then I witnessed a panic attack, which scared the $#!^ out of me and I couldn't help him/her all I could do was watch.  I took off work and went with my friend to an already scheduled appt with the primary dr, where we both urged my friend to please seek help beyond the social worker my friend was seeing.  With that my friend went for an emergency appt with a psychiatrist.  The dr wanted my friend to be admitted right away for depression - my friend wanted my opinion.  The reasoning for being admitted was to regulate medications and help my friend begin healing.  I agreed he/she should go right away and get help.  He/She had a really hard time facing this and has always rejected talking openly about what caused him/her to reach this place.   Fast forward a few weeks and my friend is the best he/she has been in years.  My friend is the last person anyone would expect to go through this and didn't and doesn't want anyone to know, which is why I'm vague on gender.  I only wish I had realized how low he/she was feeling.   Kerry is right - please get help.  I know that you're saying you're not suicidal, but you are in a very dark, low place and getting the right help is so important - in addition to getting the medications that help you to feel better, talking about what has brought you to this place will help.

Although it seems hard right now and the moutain you're climbing seems too high.  You can and will get through this.  (((HUGS)))).

Barb -

We care so much!  We would love to say the words you need to get you out of the dark place.  You've posted for me during some of my dark times and helped me change my thoughts.  I just want to give some of the love and support back to you.

You have strength.  What you've had to go through and get to this point shows your strong will.  That strength is still there but it seems that the connection is broken.  Different meds seems like a good starting point.  So many of us know that they can do miracles.  I started on Paxil and I pulled out of my dark place.  I'm healing and fighting again.   You can do it also!

Why do I keep on fighting?  For my husband, for my children, for my grandson.  Sometimes I look in their eyes and I see that they want me to be here - that they don't want me to go away.  Keep fighting for your family.  They love you dearly and deeply.

Barb ~ Just a couple of ideas to add to the outpouring of love and support here...

Something that's been a tremendous help to me in fighting off the negative stuff has been just getting outdoors and walking.  I've found it gives us time to think about and process what we've been through, as well as take in God's creation, which always makes me feel that the world is revolving as it should.  Exercise also creates more endorphines, which we desperately need to feel happy.  

Music is another one of my weapons against depression.  I work out of my home a lot, and on days I feel especially isolated or down, I just crank up the music, and it's amazing how fast it boosts my spirits.  Of course, neither of these is a total answer, but just things I've found that make an immediate difference when I start to feel down or scared or negative.

Something else I've been thinking of trying is a guided imagery CD.  I'd used them with great results for both surgery and chemo, and when I was recently looking up the source I'd gotten them from for someone else, I was interested to see that they also have ones for PTSD, depression, and other illness-related stuff:  www.healthjourneys.com   My experience with the surgery and chemo ones is that they helped to reframe my negative thoughts into much more positive ones, and I would imagine that the others would do the same.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I hope it helps you to know how much many of us care.

Sending you strong, positive vibes for hope and healing ~   Deanna

Shanagirl/Barb,

I too have been where you are at and had it not been for God and my kids, friends and some family members I shutter to think what could have happened matter of fact I am still there to a point, I to have had some storms going on in my life, like my father passing away Christmas Day, being diagnosed with stage 3, my 17 year old daughter getting pregnant, and my husband leaving me and the bills, life has been rough but, the alternative is worse I know that sounds stupid but, my life has to get better and so does yours and they will, I am sticking to the belief that life is all about choices and I choose every morning if I am going to have a good day or a bad day (I know , What about when something bad happens to make you think otherwise) and the belief that it could always be worse. Now to some that may seem so stupid but to me it works however I am not saying that I still don't let my fears get the best of me cause they do but, that is when I choose to think about my beautiful grandbabies and all the good things and also pray, trust me it helps, and if you need someone to talk you through it feel free to pm me and I will gladly give you my cell # and you are more than welcome to call no matter the time. The women on this site have been such a help and a blessing to me and will also be just that to you.

Prayers and hugs,

Debbi