Starting Chemo April 2009

Titan - how did the appt go apart from the weight thing. Is everything ok?

I am always getting on the scales I cannot bear my weight going up even a little bit. I still cannot get down to what I was before BC. I lost during chemo, but have put it on again and then some...

Chelev - It sounds like you are positive and being proactive - I am so impressed. I am sure you will find something and even though we have never met, any employer would be lucky to have you! Good luck with your appt tomorrow morning, let us know how it goes.

Geri - good to hear from you! Amy - I have started reading that link that you posted, but it is taking me a while - it is the concentration thing again : )

Have a good night all, hugs, Judy xxx

Good news Titan! I am so pleased for you! Hope you are having a nice glass of wine...

Hope everyone else is doing ok today.

Hugs to all for a good evening, Judy xxx

Hi Sakura73,

I too had AC-T and have just finished. I had 4 of the AC then 4 of the Taxol and I must say the first 4 were hell! I was a bit stressed out when I started the Taxol because it is a stronger drug but I must admit it wasn't too bad at all!

How are you coping with your side effects? I found day 5/6 were the worst and lasted about 3 days. I had constant nausea for 8 weeks on the AC but with the Taxol I've had none and my appetite has returned.

Good luck with the rest of your treatments!!

Hi Gerry - unbelievable, isn't it? How are you doing today?

Titan - glad you are a happy girl! I am raising that glass with you too!

Amy, Helen, Chelev, Betsy and any others I have left out - how are you doing?  Lena, please check in and let us know how you are.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend - hugs to you all, Judy xxx

Geez, I kind of hoped by the time I was up to posting, Chelev would have found a new job! Oh well! Sorry Chelev! :-(

Okay, my oncologist has not actually CALLED me a hypochondriac, not even once, it's just a feeling I have that he doesn't entirely take me seriously, because of the fact that I go online and do research about my illness and the drugs I'm being given to combat it, and try to discuss those things with him at our appointments (which *I* feel is what you gals, and I, and my Pack Rat would call a "doctor-patient team" approach in dealing with a serious disease (and is the kind of relationship I think is GOOD to have with one's doctor). The last time I had asked Kym to come with me, to see if this opinion is "just me being hysterical" (especially while I was under the horrible influence of the Femara), or if there's any basis in objective reality. She told me that while SHE knows I'm not a hypochondriac, she can understand why the DOCTOR might see me as one because I should "let him be a doctor" and not talk so much in detail about my symptoms and side effects. Uh, OK, maybe, but I woulda thunk a doctor NEEDED detailed information! I wish my Pack Rat could also come with me to an appointment (especially since he thinks it's wonderful that I'm a biology geek, that this should make me a good patient who is able to have intelligent conversations with a doctor), but that would be even harder to arrange than being able to get Kym to come. Oh well. Anyway....

The good news: I had my two weeks off the Femara, and it took all of five days for me to stop being tired and depressed and crying and wishing I was dead all the time, and, as I had an appointment with my oncologist yesterday,he said I don't have to take it anymore. The bad news is that my joints still ache and the pain med for that is only occasionally effective. Also, as I suspected, he wants me to take ANOTHER aromatase inhibitor, and he gave me a prescription for Aromasin. I wanted to say, "What about 'taking anything that messes with my hormones totally f*cks me up' don't you understand?" (I couldn't take birth control pills when I was younger either) -- but okay, I thought, "let him be the doctor," and "maybe this one won't be as bad as the Femara" (in that tone of sarcastic mental thought where I have to 'try' to convince myself of something). Plus, there's also that nasty little fact I'm sure I mentioned previously, that for me, hormonal treatments aren't about preventing recurrence, they're about postponing IMMINENT DEATH (and regardless of whether he thinks I'm a hypochondriac or not, for my kind of cancer, this IS the standard course of action, so it's not like he's a quack who doesn't know jack shit about Stage IV breast cancer). So, we'll see what happens. I did, however, ask him if I can wait until Monday to start taking the Aromasin, telling him that since my Pack Rat is going to be here for this weekend, I want to be happy and not all messed up. He laughed and said yes, it's OK to start it on Monday.

Moving right along -- my platelets are up a bit but the INR number was down (he didn't tell me that number was down but I noticed it on the printout, being a biology geek), so he adjusted my Coumadin dosage too. These instructions I followed right away, but I had to write 'em down because this is just NOT something you expect anyone who did chemo to be able to remember: On even days (like yesterday, the 20th) I'm supposed to take a 5 mg Coumadin tablet. On odd days (like today, the 21st), I'm supposed to take a 2.5 mg Coumadin tablet. Okay, I'm on track with that, I took my 5 mg Coumadin pill yesterday on schedule, got a 2.5 for tonight, and, just picked up all my prescriptions at the pharmacy today so all's cool here.

My next oncologist appointment is June 3rd. 

Oh, and Scan Time is coming up again too -- my periodic CT, PET and Bone scans are scheduled for June 14th and 15th. Good, I don't have any medical visits on my birthday at least, and maybe when my Pack Rat is here, we can start planning my annual summer week visit to his Nest in the North -- the one I couldn't do at all last summer because of the chemotherapy. Or maybe this year I'll be able to go up twice, who knows. Well all this presumes I don't wear him out to an early grave this weekend I guess. Heh heh heh. But he says he wants me back on the picnic table, I say he has to give me a whole body massage with the insect repellent cream, and now we get to why, besides Simming, I haven't posted in the last couple weeks even though I was feeling better since a few days after I stopped taking the Femara....

I've been trying to do something about my disgusting fat body! My Pack Rat has repeatedly told me I'm exaggerating when I complain about being a fat slob with all this weight gain, but I'm the one who has to see the big fat horse whose clothes don't fit right in the mirror every day! Holy Ratness,what happened to the idea that cancer patients LOSE weight, and why couldn't THAT have been me? There are no words I can think of to adequately describe exactly how much I HATE my body the way it is now. It's GROSS!  I have NEVER in my ENTIRE LIFE been THIS frickin heavy! My heaviest past weight was 145 pounds, then just by cutting out all the pasta I'd been eating back then, I got back down to an acceptable 125-130 pounds (I was in my 20s then). My over-40 weight of 135, well I didn't love it but could tolerate it usually. I have a small frame, so it SHOWS, I put it all on in my Midsection from Hell. I weigh 157 now and I hardly eat pasta anymore at all. Oh and yeah, I also stopped pigging out on all those corn muffins, and, once the weather warmed up I started going for walks, figuring at least SOME exercise was better than sitting on my fat ass all day, but only in the last couple weeks have I seen even the slightest difference -- and I have to walk at least 2 miles a day (it's only once I had worked UP to 2 miles a day did my weight start to go down, but I only lost 3 pounds -- last time at the doctor I weighed 160 instead of yesterday's 157 -- I lost 3 pounds in 2 weeks...well, better than nothing I guess. But I had to buy Really Fat Clothes. I call them REALLY FAT clothes because the last time I went clothes shopping, to accept weighing 135 pounds, to me that was buying plain old Fat Clothes, so the ones I just got last weekend are the REALLY fat clothes. So I've been going for walks every day that it doesn't rain. In the past month, I only skipped out on two days -- it was windy, chilly and raining on those two days. Other than them, I've gone out and walked every single day. I started with around the block, worked up to a 2-block, then 3-block circle, and finally to a full circle of the lake in the park next door (which I'm told is a mile), then two full circles of that lake.

Today I really overdid it though: I walked almost FOUR miles, and I was carrying Heavy Stuff for half of it! :-O See, cause my Pack Rat's coming, I needed to go to the supermarket today anyway to get the Pack Rat Spoilage Stuff (special dinner ingredients for tomorrow night, I'm making Italian food: green, red, yellow and orange peppers with onions, potatoes and sweet Italian sausages sauteed in olive oil...plus onion bagels for breakfast and the tuna salad, fruit for snacks and salad greens)...the supermarket is almost 2 miles from my apartment, and what do I decide to do? WALK there, buy food, and while carrying it back stop in the pharmacy on the way home to pick up my Coumadin and Aromasin! Yes, I did it, but by the time I got home, I really wanted to drop dead! -- I was exhausted, sweating and itching, and having hot flashes too! Today is Lena-Is-An-Idiot-Day for sure, because not too long after catching my breath from all that, I did the laundry!! Two frickin loads (a full basket) up and down those four flights of stairs. Oh and yeah the goddamn dryer is busted again. The slumlords had fixed 'em, but then one broke again. They fixed it, but two days later it's busted, and now it's been a whole week. I told the super twice early in the week and it's still busted, so I had to do the dryer loads one at a time.

I hope I have the ENERGY to wear out my Pack Rat when he gets here (ETA midnight).

Have a good weekend all...don't do anything I wouldn't... ;-) 

~Lena. 

Lena - glad to hear you have a reprieve from the pain you were in...we'll all hope the next treatment doesn't cause you the same symptoms.  Enjoy your weekend with Pack Rat...heh heh.

Hope everyone else is enjoying a peaceful weekend.

Geri 

Ok ladies  - need a little reassurance here.  First of all, saw the cancer psychologist on Wed. Very good meeting. I will write more about what she said later.  

So this weekend, we went up to Rochester NY (which is about 7 hours from where we live) to see my husband's son graduate from RIT. It is the last of our 4 (combined) kids to get their degree and we were excited. Coincidentally we had Phillies baseball tix for an afternoon game immediately beforehand. So we were going to go to the game and then leave for Rochester. This was the FIRST trip away since the cancer started.  So we were all packed, excited, ready.

And......... we were IN THE PARKING LOT of the Phillies game, getting out of the car and my cell phone rang. I answered it (mistake!). It was the nurse at my GYN office telling me......that they 'found something' on the transvaginal ultrasound I had last week. Nothing to worry about, blah blah blah ..but they want me to have an MRI of my left ovary b/c there is a 'cystic area' showing up and they want to just be sure it is nothing etc etc.  Well by that time, we are WALKING TO THE STADIUM and I am having this unbelievable sense of unreality saying "Yes, I will schedule it on Monday, yes I will confirm that my insurance will cover" and on and on. Then I hung up and felt like i was going to keel over!  I asked her "Could this be a tumor?" and she sounded shocked "Oh NOBODY has used that word - they're just saying cystic area."  So we went to the game and I REALLY HAD TO WORK at not worrying and so on through the weekend.  As an aside, WHY do they tell you stuff like this on a Friday when you can do NOTHING all weekend? 
Anyway, so I am doing a fairly good job at not freaking out but it is nagging at me.  Ovarian cysts are pretty common right? RIGHT?  Does anyone have any feedback on this?

So today is my daughter's bridal shower and I am DETERMINED to put this out of my mind and enjoy myself. I haven't told my kids b/c there is no point giving them something to worry about at this point. Just told my mom b/c it is her job to worry. That's what moms are for, right?
And that's what YOU GUYS are for, right? To hold my hand through this?

It really is probably nothing, right? Just a precaution b/c they are so careful with us now.  And IF they see anything worrisome, those ovaries are GOING - I dont need them for anything now anyway.

Well off to shower and then go to the shower. (haha).

THANK YOU GUYS for being there for me. I KNEW YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND!

ps. Graduation was very nice. But Rochester was FAR. Glad we don't have to go there again.

Amy

Long weekend here in Canada. Weather is beautiful. My grandkids (& their parents) came for lunch and then we went to the park and played with a soccer ball for a while.

Amy, at this stage, I think ovarian cysts are very common. Stay calm. Breathe deeply. Hope the shower was fun and distracted you. Keep us posted.

Lena, good to hear from you. Sorry about how you feel but I can relate totally. I think the fact that I go to work and have to get up every morning is what is keeping (semi) on track these days.

My son is getting married on June 24. I hate how I look in the dress. I've stopped wearing a hat to cover my hair because it is just too hot but I don't have real hair anymore and what I do have is very thin so my scalp is evident. But I just don't know what to do. I haven't even had a  haircut yet and it's almost a year since chemo ended.....there's not enough hair.

Amy - We are all here to hold your hand. Like Helen said...try...as hard as it may be not to worry too much. We'll be thinking about you tomorrow.

Lena- The way you describe your body is exactly how I feel. I hit 156 lbs and thought holy shit...I have never been this heavy in all my life. I've gained 13 pounds since chemo ended. That's when I started exercising 5x a wk, watching my portions and reduced my alcohol intake. I'm down about 3 pounds in a month. I swear I gain weight just looking at food. It's just not fair but I think we all are feeling frustration on this front. I hope you do better on the next round of drugs.

Helen - Of course I'm a little bias, I think you should get a very pretty hat that matches your dress. Unless you don't look good in hats. I love hats at weddings. I say you get beautiful sexy undies and/or splurge on a gorgeous necklace and earings that make you feel wonderful or a pretty shawl that hides the dress. Jazz it up a bit...maybe that will make you feel better about it.  

Titan - I'm with you..no way would I let someone else pick a dress for me. If they did...I would somehow make it my own (jazzing it up that is!).

Judy - how is your heartburn doing? You haven't written about it so I'm hoping no news is good news.

Geri - I'm waiting for your final last tx for that martini. I'm on a diet ya know!

My uncles service was really nice. I got to see four of my five siblings. We all stayed at the same hotel and everyone came to our room for wine & choc. We toast my uncle & my mom (the last one standing) and had a great time with them. Yes...I did drink too much wine, so much for the diet. Then next day we all went to the church together and surprised my cousins. None of them knew we were coming. Several of them started crying when they saw all of us. My mom, who was to ill to make the trip, was happy that we filled an entire pew in the church. It was sad and joyous at the same time. A lot like life is every day. Through our sadness, frustrations, fears and pain...we still experience joy, love and laughter. Life is truly amazing.

PS all my siblings were surprised at my curls.

Hi all, well, it has been busy here the past 24 hours or so.

Amy - how are you holding up? Have you had your appointment yet? I agree with Geri, that you need to ask them not to call you on a Friday afternoon with test results that may cause you worry. I can only imagine how worried you must be, but try and think positively and please let us know how it all goes. Make room for my hand too! I am holding on tight.

Helen - I think you will look great at the wedding and the most important thing is that you are there! I know that is hard for us to realize because we want to look good, and that will come too.

Have you thought about a trendy head scarf type thing made out of the same material as the dress? That may look cool - think about it.

Titan - I am already looking forward to seeing photos of you from your daughter's wedding : )

Betsy - I am pleased that the service was nice and that your family had an opportunity to gather together. You are so right, life is just a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Joys and sadness.

Thank you for asking about my heartburn. Actually this past week, I have had a bit, but am not taking any meds for it. It is def worse when I am tired or stressed which I am both at the moment.

Geri - so good to hear from you! I agree with everything you wrote. I wish I could shift the excess weight, but it is not going anywhere at the moment.

Lena - hope you are doing ok and had a good weekend.

Hugs to you all and take good care, Judy xxx

Hi all.

Please excuse my shit-eating grin. >;-D Naaaah, don't.... ;-) 

Yup. Weekend with Pack Rat was wonderful. I wore him out, yes, but I ended up just as wiped out as him, heh heh heh ;-) . . . ended up going to bed real early last night -- guess I had to sleep it off big time. Too bad I can't sleep through a whole night without getting up to pee or from a hot flash or something though. >:-P

Amy -- with that business of getting medical calls on a Friday like that: sounds to me like you really need to get rid of the cell phone. A regular telephone in your house, with an answering machine, is good enough! If it's important, the caller will leave a message. Yeah, you guessed it, I hate cell phones, and no, I don't have one.

Helen -- I'm glad it's working for you (pun intended) but I think having to get a job would overwhelm and stress me out to the point of suicidal.  While my chemo brain did get somewhat better, I have NOT made a FULL cognitive recovery and the idea of having to learn a lot of new things and be GOOD at them on a consistent and likely multitasking (HORRORS) basis just totally scares the crap out of me. Maybe at some point I MIGHT be able to get a PART TIME job which doesn't require a lot of smarts, but I seriously doubt I could handle full time again.  About the hair -- I haven't had a haircut either. The complaint I have about my hair is that it's TOO SHORT, so why the hell would I CUT it?! -- and since your hair issue is similar to mine (not enough hair!), well, I can't see how a haircut wouldn't help you either!

Geri -- (and anyone else who isn't a Stage IV) -- IMO stay away from the aromatase inhibitors, unless you WANT to be fat, depressed and lethargic with aching joints. Right now I'm staring at this little bottle of Aromasin, which I'm supposed to start tonight, and I can't tell you how badly I'm dreading it. I don't REALLY think it's going to be any better than the Femara, but being a Stage IV I'm kind of stuck being forced to try it at least, to be a lab rat like this. If I had been Stage I-III and my other treatments had gotten rid of all signs of the cancer, I wouldn't go anywhere near AIs.

Betsy -- Sorry about your uncle's passing  (and your mother's illness)...and yeah, interesting observation, seeing most of the rest of your family when someone dies...... 

Judy --  hope the heartburn gets better!

I'm still too tired (heh heh heh) to tell any stories, but I think I still have a laugh for you all anyway, since we all seem to be too fat. Check THIS out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEh5wfqAARs

Well, it made ME laugh, anyway, and my Pack Rat liked it too.... 

~Lena. 

Lena - good to hear from you and it sounds like your weekend was fun! I always enjoy your emails, I love the way that you just say what you feel! I think that is such an important quality.

Amy - hang in there! I am thinking of you. I hope that you can have your test before Friday, but either way, please keep us posted. I am still squeezing your hand : )

Titan - take some time to rest. (I wish I could take that advice - ha ha ha...). It is hard running around the family and working and I know that I don't have the strength that I used to have. Take care of yourself.

Geri and Betsy - I hope you are both doing ok today.

Chelev - any news on the job front?

Hugs to you all for a wonderful day! Judy xxx

Hi all,

It's my birthday today so I'm celebrating life....fat an all! My dh and toasted to a healthy year..that is my wish for myself and for all of you.

Amy sending you a big hug.

Betsy

Happy Birthday Betsy B!  I feel like I've known you forever..you were pretty much my first friend on here! 

Geri..I live in Ohio..and have only been to New York once..to Cooperstown..My son played baseball there when he was 11 years old...We mostly go to South Carolina when we go anywhere...I think most of Ohio goes to South Carolina

And you know what..I think IT IS TIME for that shit eating grin for all of us..I may have to surprise the old DH this weekend...