The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

I'm 26 and I was VERY recently diagnosed as stage 4. (They confirmed liver mets last week.)

The ABSOLUTE stupidest thing anyone has said (and I have heard it at LEAST half a dozen times)  "at least you caught it early" WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY does EVERYONE assume that because I found a lump in my breast, I caught it early??? Staqge 4 is NOT ^%(%&^%*& EARLY!!!! By ANY definition!!!

In other stupididty: A woman in a boutique for survivors today asked the same dumb questions I always get "How old are you" "26" "Well is it in your family?" "Nope" "oh..." Everyone is shocked by how young I am, and then assume it must be in my family. I don't know what stupididty would follow if I said yes to that, but the fact remains that I have no significant family history. There is no reason for this to have struck me, and at such a young age. Stop looking for a reason for my cancer so YOU can feel better!!! Yes it has happened to a 26 year old with no family history and no warning. No risk factors other than having breasts. Worry now.

Then she asked if I'm going to get radiation, I said no. She said "Oh well that is nice!" I said "Well actually no it isn't. The reason I'm not getting radiation is that I'm already at stage 4" she didn't have anything to say to that.

Needless to say, I will be getting my post surgical & lymphedema supplies elsewhere!

Why do the most random people always assume they know more about your situation than they do?

daisy--I'm so sorry you were treated so insensitively by someone supposedly trained to work with bc survivors.  What I wish I was there with you to say to her:

"Oh?  Stage 4 is early?  My doctors all said it was advanced. How do YOU suggest I get treated now?"

"How does family history affect the choice of lymphedema supplies?"

"Yes, it's really nice that I don't need radiation due to the spread of the cancer to other parts of my body, thanks for pointing that out." 

"I was told this boutique was staffed with specially trained people, may I speak with one of them?"

(((Daisylego)))  I'm so sorry you were treated that way.  Wouldn't things be so much better if people would actully THINK before opening their big fat flopping mouths?! 

NativeMariner gave you several good comebacks, but I have to say this one is really cracking me up:

>>"I was told this boutique was staffed with specially trained people, may I speak with one of them?">>  Hahaha!! 

NativeMainer: I love your comebacks! The last is my favorite too I was in a pretty bad mood when I commented last night, but I'm feeling better today, especially after reading all your comments. Thank you to everyone who gave sympathy about my diagnosis. I'm going to have a pre-chemo night out with m boyfriend tonight and we are going to think about BC as little as possible!

A Storm I just had to laugh when I saw what you wrote about people looking at your chest. It happens everytime with women. With men I get the  "Oh my gosh she had her boobs removed and I want to look so bad, but I can't!' My best friends husband has been looking everywhere but at me when he talks to me since my surgery....I can tell he is sooo nervous.I am asymmetrical too, but only for 3 more weeks!!! Whoo Hoo!! I can't wait!

Best of luck to you!

Susan

People really stared at  my chest when I had the tissue expander aka turtle shells in!  They were up to my collar bone!!!! 

Here are some of my favorites:

Well at least you got the right kind of cancer....(it didnt feel like the right kind at the time)

You couldnt have had cancer, you have your hair (it grew back DUH)

Thats a fat peoples cancer, you wouldnt have gotten it if you werent so fat ( Wanted 5 minues alone with this idiot)

I bet that was fun....(oh sure the chemo, sickness, pain, surgery, complications, and thermo nuclear burns were a real hoot).

Try the Holy Tea. It will clear out your colon and your breast cancer will be gone.  (Hmm, right, a good case of the Hershey squirts, theres our cure)

Thats just a sample.

daisylego--I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible disease.  I am also sorry to hear how insensitive the boutique woman was to you!  I like the suggestions from the ladies here.  I would add one more recommendation.  I would contact the owner of the boutique and tell that person what the woman said to you.  I think the owner should know that she lost a customer due to the sales person.  It is just outrageous to think that this woman is allowed to work there!

 jennypoo--I am sorry that you have been dx with breast cancer, too. This is such a horrible disease.  I hope you and daisylego find some comfort in the woman who posts on the bc discussion boards. I have found it very helpful.

Sometimes I think people are trying to be 'well intended', but just know how to say the 'wrong' words.  When I first found out I had Breast Cancer, one of my co-workers (most have been absolutely fabulous and supportive) told me, in detail, the horrible surgery, tx and painful death of her step-mother who died from the disease.....wow, I was really comforted by her words.

OMG, this thread is priceless.  Here I am, catching up on the latest case of foot-in-mouth disease in someone's friend or relative, and somebody (joanneasiata, that was you) comes along and says, "...really i want to bitch slap her, i hope she marries Tony."

Where else on the planet Earth would that phrase make any sense?  And, what else would cause me to have to wipe that spray of Arizona sweet tea off my laptop screen?  I hate that people do these things to us, but I'm lovin' how we're dealing with it. 

otter

Otter:  What a hoot.  Your comment and the image of your tea spray about had me doing it, too!

JoJo:  I've gotten the silence from folks some co-workers.  I much prefer honest questions to having the topic totally ignored.  

"The good die young" remark reminds me of a comment my SIL made at my wedding, when I tried to explain why my mother couldn't be there (she was caring for my sister, who was dying):  "Well, life is for the living!"  What do these cliches mean exactly? 

Oops, I made a really bad slip today. It wasn't about bc, but I really stuck my foot in my mouth.

I ran into DH's old room mate, whom we have not kept in touch with because he married someone who is difficult to be around. So he mentioned that they split up and I said "yes, I heard about that." I could swear DH told me that they split up awhile back. Well, it JUST happened, like days ago and there is no way we could have known... I just intuited it. I predicted it many years ago so I just assumed it happened. He was surprised and asked me how we could possibly know this since he hasn't really talked to anyone we would know...  my response?... "hey! did you hear I had breast cancer?" and I don't even know if he looked at my chest.

Nice to find there is useful way to bring up the bc subject, will have to remember that....

janny99 - When I was first diagnosed I also had people tell me about their friends/relatives who had either died an awful death or were had horrible tx for bc. I was so new to all of this and was dumbfounded by their discussions with me. I wanted to hear the good stories, not the sad!

One really good friend gave me a newspaper article to read written by a bc survivor. It was about her journey. It was horrible because she almost died from her reactions to her treatments, not bc. I was just starting my treatments and the article terrified me. I took the article and ripped it to tiny shreds. Then I stayed away from my friend for a long time!

Mary, what kinds of things does your MIL say to you?  Also, mention to your PS the ceremony and find out if there is something less obvious that can be used for a dressing for just a few hours.  Let me see, what kinds of comments could you use--

"It's so nice to have someone around who knows more about what I need than I do." 

"I didn't know you did reasearch on breast cancer treatment and reconstruction.  What journal did you publish your research results in? "

"If I'd had more notice about this ceremony  I would have scheduled my breast cancer diagnosis for another time."

"I'm sure (insert FIL's name) would not agree." 

"I didn't realize you had been diagnosed with breast cancer. What kind did you have?  What treatment did you take?" 

"I really appreciate how supportive you are."

(comeback removed by NM due to high possiblity it would offend or be hurtful to some of my bc sisters.  My apologies to any who were offended, hurt, upset, or bothered by this comeback.)

"Thank you for sharing your opinion."  

"That is such a thoughtful thing to say."

If you don't care about creating a family feud you could say "I should care about YOUR opinion, why?"  or "Yes, I know that's what you think, fortunately it's what I think that matters."

Then there's the old standby of "Today is about (FIL's name), that's what I'm focused on right now."  If you're feeling really snarky you can add "You should be focused on (FIL's name) today, too.  I wonder why you aren't?"