Depression 1 month after mastectomy

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  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,971
    edited May 2010

    LadyOD - amazing story - I haven't totally followed it as I coudn't get the links to work. So I'm gathering you mom is your dad's second wife? Sorry if I have totally got it wrong. But finding the link with your Dad's Mom is a huge revelation and saddness all the way around.

    My sibling history isn't as life changing as yours but my parents were both married and had a child before they married however I knew about my mom and my half-sister just didn't find out about my half-broher till I was a senior in high school. Family history is interesting... 

    My family  cancer but no breast cancer till me. 

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  • robinlbe
    robinlbe Member Posts: 585
    edited May 2010

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFe9c0zPSFM

    Hi all...thought you might enjoy this...

    I was sent this by a friend of a friend - who is now my friend, who also is fighting BC.  Her brother and SIL are in this video, and it was filmed in Louisville, KY at the KFC headquarters.  I actually liked it...especially the bowling scene :)

    blessings...robin

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  • ladyod
    ladyod Member Posts: 152
    edited May 2010

    Stanzie:  No, my mom was a widow, 39, with no children.  She met my dad who was a pilot in the Air Force:  he was her first relationship after her husband of 17 years passed away suddenly of a heart attack at age 40.  When she went to the doctor, because "she was dying of a tumor in her tummy" the doctor told her "only if it has arms and legs!"  Yep that was me!  She was overjoyed since she had been told she was barren and couldn't have children.  Unfortunately, when she told my dad, he told her that he already had a family and didn't need another one.  My poor mom:  she had no idea!!!  The last time she saw him, he flew over her home in Omaha and tipped his wing to her.  Utterly romantic and tragic at the same time......

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  • robinlbe
    robinlbe Member Posts: 585
    edited May 2010

    Oh, wow.....Tammy.....

    p.s.  you're a pretty cute, talented, and brainy tumor :)

    blessings....robin

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  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,971
    edited May 2010

    Goodness that is a story! Your poor Mom but thank goodness she had you. I can't believe he would leave but .... thank you.

    How are you feeling since your original post? 

    If I'm busy I seem to do OK or if my kids are with me, otherwise.... Sometimes I feel like I'm just making it through each day which after getting such a scare as breast cancer I keep thinking I should be so grateful and so ready to enjoy life but I just can't seem to get there.. 

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  • ladyod
    ladyod Member Posts: 152
    edited May 2010

    Thanks for the encouraging words! 

    Sorry Robin, I hadn't seen your question before.  To answer your question, my two brothers have been wonderful.  I flew out to San Francisco to meet them and their families:  they welcomed me with open arms.  One of my sisters, Sandy, just left from here:  she has visited 3 X's so far:  not bad for living in Anchorage Alaska!  She is the sister I always dreamt of and was very very supportive throughout my bc ordeal!  My sister Jill has been very distant....a little mean at times.  She told my brother that I waited 43 years for her, I could wait one more until she's ready.  But in her defense, she is very very religious and I think she is having a hard time dealing with the anger and betrayal she feels for her dad...aka my dad.  He passed away 10 years ago without ever telling them about me.  And she did call me the night before my surgery to wish me well:  it was the first time I spoke to her.  Hopefully I will get to meet her and her family this fall:  they are traveling from Montana to Houston and may stop to meet us.  I feel terrible that I have brought pain to her life....it was never my intention to hurt anyone.  His wife, Mary, is the most gracious and kind woman I have ever had the privilege of meeting:  she has been so amazing and good to me!  I sent her flowers for mother's day yesterday to thank her.  My mom passed away when I was 16, so it has been nice having a matronly woman in my life.  So far she has told me to "always look when you wipe (she had bladder cancer) and to always eat my vegetables".  She is really cute! 

    Stanzie:  I am feeling much better than when I originally started this post.  But I went to a counselor for several weeks just to talk about my feelings and get them out on the table.  I am not depressed anymore, but I am still a little afraid of recurrence.  In fact, I have a hard time telling people I am cured because I don't want to jinx myself! ROFL, but not really funny cuz it's the truth........so I am going to try making an affirmation to myself that I am cancer free and will remain that way.  I am free to live the rest of my life and not worry about the past.  That I will be fine.  I read an article that said there was a study done that showed that if you say the same saying over and over again, like (excuse my language here) "oh shit" or "what a pain in the neck", you will end up with bowel problems or neck problems, respectively.  So even though my breast cancer was not caused because I ran around calling people "boobs" or saying "ta ta", I am going to try to NOT say or think negative thoughts like my cancer will return....BECAUSE IT ISN'T GOING TO!  Wow, my heart rate just went up 20 clicks!  Anyways, as you see, I am still working on the positive thinking thing :)

    I am editing this to say I have made fun of my chest all my life:  I was flat as a board until 1997 and got teased endlessly for it throughout high school and college.  Then after my babys were born, I would make fun of how droopy they were:  I kidded they were "down and out".  I was always saying I wish I had new "ones".......so, who knows?  The mind is a powerful thing!

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  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,971
    edited May 2010

    Thank you LadyOD - that is a good way of looking at things. I'll try and remember it.

    I'm sure they all know and realize you didn't mean to bring anything hurtful into their lives and sounds like you all are all well on your way into realizing the positive part of what happened with your Dad. Getting a new member of the family might be hard to get used to in the begining but will be wonderful in the long run. I'm afraid my sisters and I would like to have an addition or lose each other  - one... not totally true but kind of.... 

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  • ishobie
    ishobie Member Posts: 96
    edited May 2010

    I just had surgery monday, removed right breast and started reconstructive surgery.  today my sister went home to CT (im in fla) and i have done nothing but cry for hours. I can't bear to take this sports bra thing off to take a real shower, cuz I don't want so see my scars, drains, etc. I am so not like this. I am paralyzed.  I have been in bed all day, visitors come n go at my house, and I dont really care. I lost my dog one week after my dx and now its all coming up, all this raw emotion.. Everyone thinks I am sort of lucky they think its only DCIS, SNB was negative, the surgeon thinks it looks non invasive, but I don't feel so lucky. Yes I am grateful in some ways but I don't know how to deal with all these questions and feelings and sadness and depression, I so understand what u are going through

    isabel

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  • olivia218
    olivia218 Member Posts: 257
    edited May 2010

    Isabel,

    I understand how you are feeling, it is the part of healing that is the hardest. I joined this group of incredible women who stuck with me during my days like the ones you are having now. The best thing I can say is allow yourself to grieve. It does not help that you lost your dog as well. I am so sorry.  I am a dog lover so understand how tough that would be.  It helped me to vent with this group. I am here, if you want to PM I will be there.

    Olivia 

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  • ladyod
    ladyod Member Posts: 152
    edited May 2010

    Happy Mother's Day everyone!

     Isabel:  I hope that you are feeling better.  The first 6 weeks of recovery are full of ups and downs, but you are not alone!  I think it is important not to stuff those feelings away and like Olivia has said, allow yourself to grieve.  And soon, you will be feeling more like yourself...it sounds like you are a little in shock right now.  Someone here on the boards told me that before the surgery you are so busy "fighting" the disease (making decisions, going to appointments, processing all the information you gather) that your adrenaline is going full blast (fight or flight mechanism).  Now that the surgery is over, you have time to actually think and "feel" and everything becomes so real now.  Now you have time to grieve.  It is part of the healing process....I think that we go through the same stages that we do when we lose someone (or a cherished pet): Denial, Anger, Bartering, Sadness, and finally Acceptance.  You have had so much to deal with in this last couple of weeks....it is all just catching up to you!  But no worries, because you ARE cancer free now and actually healthier now that you have been in a while (no cancer!)!  Just give yourself sometime, know that you are not alone, and that there are many people who care about you!

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  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,971
    edited May 2010

    A while back I said I would find out how the Kale my ex brought me after surgery was prepared and he finally got back with me on this. So for those who are interested here is how he made the Kale and as someone who doesn't really like "greens" I thought it was really good.

    Take off Kale stems and chop into bite size pieces

    Par-boil in a pot of boiling water about 5 min. til a little tender. Drain.

    In a large saute pan put a couple of tablespoons of olive oil and add chopped onions, carrots, mushrooms, peppers or any other veggies you like even potatoes. Saute till tender and add garlic then add the kale till it is as done as you like it. It also re-heats well, He said he will sometimes add orange juice for some sweetness or salsa and hot sauce or even go oriental with it and put in soy sauce and sherry. The par -boiling ahead takes away some bitterness. He said he also read where you can do it all in one pot and cover but it takes a while to cook and is trickier to get everything done they way you might like it.

    Anyway, sorry it took me so long to get this but hope it helps. 

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  • ladyod
    ladyod Member Posts: 152
    edited May 2010

    yummy!  Sounds delicious!  Can't wait to try it...thanks!

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  • olivia218
    olivia218 Member Posts: 257
    edited May 2010

    Thanks for the recipe, it sounds good.  I know I will try it out. I have not been good eating my veggies the past few weeks. I need to get back into the healthy eating.   I have not started the Vitamin D supplement, I am scared it will make me feel sick again so have made up all the reasons not to start.  

    Tammy - are you taking the mega dose of Vitamin D?  Are you feeling okay??

    Olivia 

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  • ladyod
    ladyod Member Posts: 152
    edited May 2010

    Yes, I am on 50000 a week.  After my fourth pill I feel really good:  I think it is helping. I have lost 10 lbs in the last 3 - 4 weeks without changing diet or exercise....I wonder if that's part of it?  Or maybe my body has a break from making cancer cells and can concentrate on breaking down body fat....I don't care---I will take it!!!  Two more weeks and then I get my levels rechecked.  I have also been trying to get some natural sunshine, but not always easy for me since I burn so easily.

    I made some Kale tonight with carrots, celery, onion, garlic and kale, blanched like Stanzie suggested, then sauteed in olive oil.   Only bad thing is my hubby ate most of it before I could get more!  LOL It was mm mm good!  Thanks Stanzie!

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  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,971
    edited May 2010

    Oh I'm so happy you liked it. I made it tonight as well and thought it was good. I'm trying to eat better and exercise and all I know is it is so much easier when your are feeling happier cause when I'm not then bad eating habits and just wanting to go to bed come to mind. So today was good and intellectually I know if I can keep it up then I'll be more positive and happy so here is to trying.

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  • hellome
    hellome Member Posts: 41
    edited May 2010

    I don't know if this is borne out in any reasearch anywhere, but I think hormones have something to do with it too. I say this because I have always had pretty heavy periods. Yet when I had the lumpectomy/partial mastectomy + radiation 9 years ago, interestingly my periods became very light. Even though they had recommended Tamoxifen, I opted not to take it (for various reasons) so I know it wasn't that. So then a few years ago I sensed something was up because my period began getting heavier again, and voila, a year later something shows up on a mammogram. Now that I've had the mastectomy on one breast and reduction on the other, guess what. My period is back to very light. Granted it did come a week early, but still. It is the first light period I've had in at least a year.

    I don't really remember feeling depressed with the first surgery and radiation.  But I'm definitely feeling something now. Not crying every day but I've cried more in the last week than I probably have in the last year or more. I was at the oncologist last week and got the prescription for Tamoxifen - which I will definitely take this time lol. But I think I might wait a little while until all of this settles down. I don't really look or feel where I think I should be physically yet, and I'm still trying to work out some pain issues. 

    And like ishobie was saying (I think) I may need more time to get used to my new "looks." I seem to be healing slowly and other than the bruising being gone, everything looks pretty much the same as it did a month ago when I had the surgery. Well technically 3 weeks - I didn't look at myself in the mirror for at least a week after the surgery, after the drains came out. And yeah, I cried then.  And in that respect, I know I shouldn't have been expecting much. But the mastectomy side (immediate implant) looks nothing even remotely like a breast lol.And I don't think waiting for the scars to fade and slapping a nipple on it is going to change that. And the size overall is much less than what I had expected - she had said B and I'm more like an A. The problem is I'm not petite, so trying to find a larger band size with an A cup is impossible. I had had problems with fit before due to assymetry between the affected breast and the other and thought the surgery would at least help with that, but all it's done is create new ones. And I'm really not happy with the feel of the implant "shelf." Kind of like wearing a hard binding super tight bra that you can't take off. Sigh. So all of this is adding to it. 

    So yes, I'm glad that I have the not having to worry as much about things cancer wise, so I probably wouldn't change it. But I wish I could. I guess that's a pretty normal/universal feeling, though. 

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  • ladyod
    ladyod Member Posts: 152
    edited May 2010

    Hellome, I can definitely give you some good news here!  I had a double mast with immediate recon also.  I looked and called myself Sponge Boob Square T*$s for the longest time...I am not usually one to say vulgar words, but that's what the looked like:  pale with a yellow cast to them, square, and squishy!  I was supposed to be a C cup but the first couple of weeks I was an A.  By about a month or so maybe a B.  I am a C now.  So please don't worry about the size or shape or color or well you get the idea!  LOL  My DH loves the new girls and I do too.  I am even reconsidering nipple recon:  I was just going to do the 3D tattoo, but they look so real, I think if I got nipples on it would make a world of difference.  That wierd feeling gets better also as your muscles relax and the implants drop and settle in.

    I am so sorry you have had to go through this again!!!  And BTW, my periods have changed also!!! I have endometriosis and they are so much better and right on time now.  I am anxious to see if it continues!  I don't know why:  maybe something to do with the estrogen?  Oh yeah, and I am losing weight which I have always struggled with.  I think that is related to the D or the lymphatic massage, or maybe the estrogen.  Interesting point!

    Stanzie, that was so good that I am going to try it again tonight.  But I am going to try mushrooms, onions, garlic, orange bell pepper, and kale.  Will let you know how it is!  I am so thrilled and happy that I have this recipe....it's like you gave me a present Kiss

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  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,971
    edited May 2010

    What do you mean when you say the muscles relax and the implants drop and settle in?Is that particular to the reconstruction you had?

    I still don't have any idea what I'm going to do if anything about my different size breasts and I think I am more annoyed with this problem as my PS had said I could have the nipples done as early as June and I so would love to have them look more like real breasts. But if I need revision surgery then they will have to wait. I had the lat. dorsi procedure with permanet implants and so I have just a circle for scars on my breasts which will virtually disappear when they do the nipples. 

    For me I think having the nipples done will help emotionally. My "boyfriend"( can one have one of these when I'm almost 50!?) who wasn't nice after my surgery and we are still trying to work through things - he wants to get back together totally and I'm just not ready because of how he acted but also I'm very self-conscience about these "breasts". They still feel so foreign and odd besides looking and feeling so different. I was in the grocery store and happened to bump my chest with the cart and they so didn't feel part of me - at times I am shocked by it all and think what? Did I really just have all this happen to me?  I guess sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog of sorts and just making it thought the day.

    I also so miss estrogen! It was so wonderful, made me feel good and happy, gave me energy, and lessened the wrinkles.... seems mean to not only make us give up our beautiful breasts but estrogen too. Oh, what is a lymphatic massage? That sounds like a very healthy thing to do - actually as soon as the scars on my back heal more that is what I want a good massage...sigh.

    LadyOD - you are too cute about the Kale. But I agree, it is nice to have a recipe for something so good for you that you actually like to eat!  One of my sons loves Kale - our neighbor has a garden and grows it. She was making it and he asked for a taste and has cravings for it ever since. Now the other one won't even look at it if it  a vegetable and certainly not if it is green!

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