Thought I'd be better physically/mentally by now...

Workmother --

Give yourself time -- It hasn't even been a month yet! 

3 yrs ago, when i was diagnosed (over a 2 month period), i was really calm.  I wasn't particularly worried - stage 1, i'd been expecting it for 15 years, both my sister and my aunt survived just fine, so will i ... no problem. Wrong!

One day in early April i realized my student needed to get her thesis to the committee if she wanted to graduate in May, so i called to ask her where it was. Said she: "I gave it to you 3 weeks ago." And there it was, right on my desk, in plain view. That's the day i told my department head. I figured: if i could forget - not to read the thesis, but that i even had it - i'd better warn people i was not normal nohow!

You're in a really tough spot, not knowing what's going to happen. It takes a real toll. I do agree with Don about the oncotype test -- see if you can get it. for the rest -- you're at Sloan-Kettering: it doesn't get much better than that for expertise.So you're in good hands, and once your treatment options are settled, you will probably feel better. But even then - give yourself a lot of leeway. It's a rough road.

Hugs!

Workmother- hang in there!!!! It takes a while to cope with all the changes both mentally and physically and there is definitely a little post traumatic stress disorder involved- Im 2 1/2 years out from chemo and I still have out of nowhere crying episides on occasion!

 I have also switched away from red meat most of the time- I still occasionally have some and I eat a more basic vegan diet- fortunately I like to garden so I grow a lot of cool things to eat in my own garden. I still love chocolate!

Be really kind to yourself, take time for yourself and let other people pamper you during this time!

Kristy

Oh, and the stage iv konakat mantra is something about eating cake and when it really gets bad, add ice cream.  Chocolate syrup is even better!

An oncotype test is a test that they do on the tumor to determine how aggressive it is. I know that they do this test if your nodes are clear but I don't know if they do it if you have any positive nodes. I think I read on hear that sometimes they do. I had clear nodes and was highly ER+/PR+. My score came back at 11 which is considered low so no chemo for me. I also had a bilateral mastectomy so I didn't need radiation. Right now I am on tamoxifen since July and have had no side effects to speak of except for an occasional cramp in my foot and calf. I am able to take supplements with it but it's always best to check with your oncologist first. I take calcium, fish oil, b-complex, multi and glucosamine sulfate. I don't think I could have handled my diagnosis at first without my xanax. It definitely helped me through some rough patches and still does on occasion.

Donna

workmother, I am in the same boat as you, diagnosed a couple of weeks before you. I echo what everyone else has said. I feel that each day is a little better. I couldn't eat either for the first couple of weeks, and I also felt like everything I was putting into my body was poison. I couldn't taste food, either.Everything tasted like paper.

They gave me celexa, a low-dose antidepressant on the day after I was diagnosed. It did nothing for the first couple of weeks, but then I felt a very slight breaking of the fog, and I feel a little better every day. I don't know if it's the celexa or just time and acceptance that is making me feel better. I mean, don't get me wrong, cancer is still on my mind 24/7, and I can't wait until that goes away.

My kids are 5,9, and 11. They're handling all this pretty well, and I'm getting lots of love from my husband, family, and friends too. And STILL, it's hard. 

So, yeah, I think it's okay to fall apart sometimes. Please don't feel guilty for that.I loved lowrider54's post--no matter where you're at in this, the initial diagnosis of this crappy disease is really tough.

My family doctor says that most of us go through Post tramatic stress symptoms.for months after treatments are all done.If you need to talk or vent we are all here.(((hugs)))

workmother - I got initial path report from my surgeon when drains came out which was within a week of surgery.  Meeting with oncologist is when I got details.  Yes, the 1/2 in my sig line means one positive node of two nodes taken.  

Just a couple of things to add to what's already been said -

1. As you heal on the outside, remember you are healing apace on the inside.  Give yourself a break for a long while (I am all healed up but am off lawn-mowing duty for the summer lol).

2. Give yourself a month of mental and physical recovery time for every hour you spent under anesthesia.  It's tough on you, so be gentle with yourself.

It's very OK to break down, this is a good place to do it. 

Best wishes and here are some {{hugs}} for when you need one.

Ah, the five year deal....yes, it was thought if there was no recurrence in five years, you were good to go.  I made that - but at 10...ah, its back. 

Until you find here, nothing on the internet makes any sense.  It is all statistical and we are not statistics.  Everyone is different and reacts to treatment differently.  If the pills work for your friend, bless her!  7 years is a long time.  I had no depression, self image issues or anxiety after I completed chemo 10 years ago either...at stage iv, it is an entirely different story.

Lowrider,

When it came back, was it more aggressive? Is that why its now in stage 4? My friend was dx in 2003, had chemo, not sure how long she had chemo. She was bold in 2005, so I am assuming she was still having treatments then. I gotta ask.  She really does not talk about it alot. For now, no recurrance and she is still taking the pills.  

Workmother - it is a roller coaster emotionally in the beginning and it takes a while for it to settle down. I felt like I was in one of those snow globes that got completely shaken up and everything that was stable and predictable in my life was turned upside down. I cycled from calm to extremely anxious over and over again and couldn't eat and lost 12 lbs in the first 3 weeks. The doctor was NOT happy - said I needed to stay strong to fight this. I did take xanax on the short term to help me be able to eat/sleep and it did help. But then I got a relaxation CD and loaded it to my IPOD and listened to it religiously twice/day to deeply relax. I used one by Dr. Peggy Huddleston (you can find on Amazon) but I'm sure there are others as well.

As you get more info, as a plan develops, as you are able to know more specifically what lies ahead of you, your sense of stability will return and your confidence will grow. But the emotions take a while to work through - there is NO timetable on this. AND - it doesn't matter who has it worse than you do. Your situation is yours and the fear and pain that go along with it are yours to deal with. 

People ARE NOT going to understand at work or friends/family. It is easiest (I found) to just smile, be polite and change the subject to something else.  Also - I found that people make a HUGE fuss over the 'good news' of clear lymph nodes because they want to have something positive to talk about in a difficult situation.  I just smiled, agreed, and moved on.

Please be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. MSK may have some support services that may help you. I saw the cancer psychologist at my cancer center on a monthly basis for the first six months, and those check-ins really helped me a lot.  I'm not much of a 'therapy' person, normally, but this is NOT a normal situation.  Many of the things i was dealing with emotionally were very predictable and she was able to help me with coping skills and management of some of the fears I was experiencing.  My insurance covered it completely. That may be something to look into, as well as support groups if you think they might be helpful.  

I also contacted my local Breast Cancer Coalition and was assigned a peer/mentor who had been thru my type of treatment 5 or 6 years previous. She was a GODSEND both in terms of practical information as well as encouragement and support. You may have that available where you are as well.

AND OF COURSE - we are always here for you. This site has been a lifeline for me. When you find out your treatment, you can go to those areas of the site and ask questions, make friends, get support and information, and vent/cry/whatever as needed.

You are NOT alone.

Amy

Hey workmother/Donna - I can't answer any of your questions about path report but you could probably use a {{hug}} right about now.  Waiting for results is always hard so Xanax may be your best friend for the next 10 days LOL. 

Hope you are able to get some rest this weekend, maybe take a walk if weather permits.  That always makes me feel better and costs nothing.  Best wishes my sister!

Chemo - yes - taxotere and cytoxan.  Six treatments, every three weeks.  I'm halfway done, three down and three to go.  Next tx is Tuesday 5/4.  It's no picnic but as we say on the March chemo thread, it's doable and it's temporary.  I've been fortunate with mild and few side effects and have kept working, just taking off tx day and the day after when I'm all buzzed up from steroids.  Why anyone would take steroids unless medically necessary is beyond me!