post treatment issues w/spouse

min...I think people, husbands included think that just because we are done with Tx, we should be just fine and dandy....life should be back to "normal" (whatever that is!!).  Yes, the co-survivor or care-taker has been through a lot, but so have we..we are the ones who went through it physically and emotionally!!!....I don't think you are selfish at all....your husband is hurting and taking it out on you.....you need support to get through this and so does he...counseling, support group whatever works for you....I'm sorry that you are having to go through this...hubby and I have "moved on" in different ways.....he so often wanted it to "just be over" after I finished Tx....but I've suffered lots of side effects from the AI's and I'm not the person I was before...it has been hard work for hubby to accept my differences and for me to see his perspective.....fortunately, we are doing good right now, but it has been a rough journey

Did you think that, because of what you have been through, maybe he got so scared of losing you that now he wants to spend all the time with you? I know that my boyfriend, who was heart and soul with me all the way (and we still have a long ways to go), even if he is not as demanding as your DH is, and leaves me plenty of room (you probably saw that I am into art too and it has kept me sane) - as I was saying, he still has moments when he almost suffocates me. I asked him once why, and he said that he can't get rid of the thought in the back of his mind that he might lose me, and he doesnt' want to miss any moments together.

Just a thought.

I don't think you're selfish ... and I don't think your husband is demanding.

Men and women, regardless of cancer, have different ways of getting their needs met and feeling loved and appreciated.  Two months ago, we had a very intense discussion about this very issue.  I finally understood the way he wants to feel love and appreciation .. and he understands mine.  When each of us get our needs met .. so does the other.

I feel that children need to see their parents "feel" love and respect for each other .. this is how they learn to be in a relationship some day. 

I understand the need for a creative outlet now as well.  I'm the same way.  I guess I'm lucky cause my DH is on the road and only home on the weekend .. so I can fulfill my needs during the week and his on the weekend.

It would be very hard to do all this with young children and their activities at home.

Perhaps a discussion in a neutral place (the car is good) about getting each other's needs met.  For instance, if he helps more with the kids and creates a space for you to be creative ... then you will have more time to meet his needs.  Just a thought.

Best wishes ... gaining intimacy after cancer is a hard road to travel .. but it can be done.

Hugs,

Bren

Madalyn .. you're not mean!

In the midst of all this "meeting of each other's needs," Mr. Tim does in fact know not to push me!  Cause I do get mean.  He calls it being "hasty."  ha!  Must be a southern term for bitchy.  And he's not perfect either .. he has been known to pout too.  I tell him .. "Quit your pouting or you're not getting any!"

Bren

Yep Madalyn .. that's it exactly!

I forgot to write what he says after I give him the smackdown on the pouting.  In his best Elvis style, he says, "Aw c'mon baby" and gives a big wink.  Hard to stay mad at him.

Hi Karen .. love you friend!

Hugs,

Bren

Welcome to a mans world. My hubby still does the same stuff. I think he was so HELPLESS during DX and treatment that he feels like we should just be fine now! Treatment is over, so what's the deal with "ME" kinda attitude. They just do not understand that it is a forever kinda thing for us, he bitches when I am on the boards about how I am always looking at depressing stuff. I tell him it's not depressing to me...if I can offer hope or one helpful hint to someone, then it is worth it. Not sure if he will ever understand, but we have been a happy couple for 17 years and we find ways to work around my new normal. He asked me one time if I would ever be the same person again and I just told him that person is gone, so ya better buckle up for the new me. I find I am so more forward and don't always care if others are on board with me. I am who I am and you can like it or kiss my butt!

 XOXO,

Regina

I think a big challenge with BC and couples is that afterwards you are no longer the same two people you were before the diagnosis and you never will be.  Now the hard part is can these two new people work?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  I'm not quite through with the process but already I know I am not the same.  And I think my husband has changes as well.  Sometimes I think it has brought us closer.  And other times I think it has stolen something we treasured, but took for granted.

After battling cancer it seems just completely exhausting to think about having to put in major work to restore your relationship.  There are too many other things tugging at your sleeve- children's needs, your continual health needs, your emotional needs, maybe jump starting your career, again.  I think men just want to either find a quick fix or sweep it under the rug and neither end up being particularly satisfactory.  

I never realize how many aspects of my life would be affected by this disease.  I have lost friends, made friends, grown closer to my husband in some ways and farther apart in others, discovered things about myself that I never knew and can now be proud of and also lost parts of myself that I wonder if I will ever be able to get back.  But I've realized, too, that I don't want this disease to forever define who I am and your husband probably doesn't want it to, either.  He's probably wishing things could just go back to the way before the big "C" while you know that will never happen.  

So, for what it's worth, all I can really say is I totally and completely empathize with what you are going through and hope that it gets better.