How Do you Find Hope

Pure-

I wish I had an answer because I often wonder the same thing.  I wish I could just move on and then something happens (an ache, a pain, a cold) and I am right back at day one panic.  I think there is post traumatic breast disorder, the big difference is that we haven't left the war zone and the attack was inside us so we can't get away from it.  Every time I hear or see anything BC related my pulse rises.

I go to the survivor stories on BCO when I am really scared and try to imagine myself as one of them.  My life and my confidence have been permanently shaken and I just wish I could get rid of these panicked feelings.  I wonder if they will eventually go away.  When I did my student teaching (as much as I hated it) the one good thing was I was too busy to dwell on this and I felt great the whole time.  Now that it has ended I am back to worrying and just can't shake it.  I debate daily about an antidepressant, but just don't want to add another drug with its own side-effects to my repertoire. 

I know you too have days that you are much more upbeat and these days do become more frequent as time goes by, but this is scarey and the nightmare is always right outside our door.  Lock the door with activity and enjoy every minute with your children because in a couple of years you will be looking at them and marveling at how much time you wasted in fear. 

My oldest graduates in June and will be heading off to college.  My feelings about that are so different now because I am so happy to still be here to send him off and yet I will be so sad to see him go.  This would all be so much easier if my littles were older and I know you are in that same place.  I want to see my 7 year old graduate and have children and sometimes I wonder if that is something I shouldn't be banking on, but then I tell myself why the heck not?  I didn't expect BC and had never worried about it and my husband says that the things you worry about never happen so from that I should assume I am 100% in the clear because I worry about it all the time.

 This is getting lengthy, but I am in the same place as you today.  I pray tomorrow, or this afternoon, my hope will return, but this sucks and I have already wasted too much time crying over what ifs, but how to turn it off?  

Wishing you more hope for a long happy future full of love and laughter.

Susan 

hi Pure

i don't wrap my head around Hope so much; what really helps me is Faith. in my mind...and in my daily life....my Faith seems to keep me balanced.  my faith...(which is very strong with God)..is that "i will be ok no matter what"  "i will deal with relapse when and if it occurs" "my doctors will take care of me if i relapse" i will get good treatment if i relapse"  " i am alive today and will not worry about next year" 

i have faith...a deep faith..which has kinda evolved over time...it isn't something that i just acquired....it has taken time to become a part of my daily life......that things will be ok and i will be ok..and the people in my life will be ok.  hope is something that i may say..."I hope this will work out"  but faith for me is the deep level of contentment. 

i believe there is hope for a life...a future...until i am so sick....and on my deathbed...i will continue to hope for my life and have faith it will all work out. if i worry about all of it; i am not living life as i have it NOW.

take good care*** hugs

diana50

Lexislove

In Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 

Loretta

You know Pure - sis tries just not thinking about it and it works for her. But the truth be told, as the acute phase of treatment ends, it feels kinda weird planning ahead doesnt it.

But I think you have to have faith - they got it, its gone and go on. I think our whole family lives life a bit differently - seize the day and all that - in the end no one knows - I dont have BC and could be hit by a bus tomorrow (not asking you to do that God!). In the end, trust in a higher power and move on one day at a day.

Lexislove - you said it best.  "I am living under the covers."  I think each and every one of us, no matter what type or stage - can truly feel those words and know just what you mean.  I think we are all living under the covers a great deal of the time.  I can feel strong and confident, and then wham - I read on this board or another - of a fellow triple neg getting it back at 10 or 12 years!  What the hell - so what's happened to that " oh,make it to 5 yrs and your chance of getting it back is less than anyone's!"  There is just no rhyme or reason to this disease, that's what is so frightening.  I used to envy all the HR+ gals for having a cancer that has many avenues to treat - until I began to see so many relapse, etc. after their 5 years of continued drugs were up.  Look at all the Stage IV gals that have just recently passed on -it's sickening.  Most of them were just posting only a week or two before they died.  This disease is a freaking beast - and none of us, once diagnosed, ever stop looking over our shoulder again.  God bless us all.  A cure?????  Yeah, sure, but it's nice to dream.

Linda

Pure

I think everyone deals with this in their own way. For me, as long as there is a sliver of hope, I feel that anything is possible.

 I think it takes some time though--next week I will be one year out of treatment (lumpectomy, chemo, rads) and I can honestly say I feel like myself again--- I also consider myself cured.  they took out the cancer, they treated my body-- I am done.  I know that it could come back- but I also know that my life could end in any number of ways- and I never thought about one of them.... 

When I had my second child, I got very sick and it had the potential to be fatal.  I did not appreciate that until about 6 months later when I was back to work full-time, managing two kids and a traveling husband, sick parent and I  had a mini breakdown.  the health situation was rare and no one knew if I would ever experience it again-- we treated it and I honestly, after the breakdown, did not think about it again.  I see this as the same, although there is alot more information about bc.  

I think it takes time to see the hope, have faith in life again.  I seem to remember that you had a baby in the middle of all this.... I honestly think we need far more time than we think we need to absorb these shocks to our lives.... and you have had alot going on.  I don't think you should deny anything that you are feeling, but remember you are feeling it right now.  It is not always going to feel that way.... but your feelings are valid.  

I found therapy very helpful as I was going through this.... gave me a safe space to say the things I was thinking out loud.  something to consider.  

People get through this. you have gotten through the treatment and the birth of the baby.  These are huge accomplishments.  Please give yourself the time you need to feel what you feel.  Hope is out there and you will find it.... but on your own timeline

"While there's life, there's hope."  Cicero

 I had a friend who died in a random accident right before I was diagnosed.  He was one of the most vibrant people I've ever known, and having that experience of losing him, realizing that we're all so fragile...it puts this disease in perspective for me.  Really truly, anything could happen to anyone.  At least we have treatment options for this, and better ways every year.  I guess I figure if I'm going to worry about this, I'd have to worry about everything.

Thanks, Frankie - we all needed to read that beautiful poem.

Linda

Hi All,

A brand new member of my cancer support groups is Stage IV breast cancer, diagnosed in Jan., and only 42.  What an inspiring woman.  She fired her first oncologist because he kept reminding her that her stage was terminal.  She now goes to the cancer center at Yale and met with a wonderful oncologist who also is involved in research.  Amy told her that she did not want to hear her "prognosis" again.  The doctor told her that she understood and that her disease should be considered "chronic".  She also said that there are 3 new treatments which will be available within a year and 5 more right behind them.  That made all the difference in the world to Amy's outlook. 

Whether we call it hope, faith, or dumb luck doesn't really matter.  What matters is that we make each day the best it can be.  Some will be better than others...hard to make a day great when we are feel physically ill.  I'm a half full kind of gal so I believe there are treatments that will extend our lives no matter what Stage of BC we have and who knows.....perhaps a cure! 

Have a great day.

Roseann

Roseann--thanks for the inspiring post about the woman in your support group!

 And Pure, along those lines...I posted this before, but because of all your posts about Zometa, I'm on Zometa...Zometa gives me hope.  Doing 110% against cancer gives me hope.  You helped give me hope.  Thank you!

 I got this disease even though I did everything to avoid it.  I actually worried about it and sort of predicted I'd get it (for no obvious reason, no family history or anything) and was living the anti-cancer lifestyle already.  I've also always aimed to live to age 98...and I'm keeping those plans! 

Pupfoster-sending positive thoughts aqnd prayers your way. I just want through a scare from a CT Scan on April 9th (prior to rads-treatments) and 2 "questionable" uptake spots on my spine. Rads were put on "hold" until I had a bone scan-April 26th. The bone scan was clean. It's so incredibly difficult to have to go through scans and tests. Hang in there.