Transitioning from care taker to motherless daughter

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kapabu
kapabu Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

I've lived with my mom's breast cancer since I was 15, now my mom is gone and I'm trying to find a sense in my life........ I have three sisters (they are close but for some reason I have always been an outcast), I've always doe things differently and my common sense is completely different form their common sense. Now I find myself with the task of trying to re-connect with my husband, my sisters and my kids on a whole different level. We all live together and now I realized my mom was our sun and we were like planets just orbiting around her until the day she was no longer here............I find it hard to accept and I crey almost daily (which in my family is a sign of weakness) so I can't cry aound my sisters or my husband, I know my mom was strong, but strong doesnt mean without tear ducts right? I might get a divorce soon since I find nothing in common with him anymore, he says I focused on my mom too much and I forgot about my kids and him, but I feel like I could have done more for her (my mom)...........my life is crazy desorganized and uncontrolled, I have anger and sadness  to much of that, I never thought my mom was going to go so quick or maybe I thought she was so strong she was going to make it, but now I feel lost and she was my center, my comfort, any advice?

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  • GryffinSong
    GryffinSong Member Posts: 439
    edited April 2010

    Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief takes its own time, and shows up in its own ways. Don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't cry or feel angry, or any other thing you feel. If you feel comfortable, you might want to consult a grief counselor. Your mother's cancer center might have groups for family members. Since you're not getting support at home, I hope you can find it somewhere!!!

    Hugs to you, and I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Losing your mom is a HUGE loss, and a major change of life. My deepest sympathies to you.

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  • StacyJoy
    StacyJoy Member Posts: 21
    edited April 2010

    kapabu - my heart aches for you!!!  I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, I can't imagine how devesated you must be.  crying is not a sign of weakness, i see it ia a sign of stregth to be able to show your emotions and not be afraid to let it show so cry as much as you need to.  you do what ever it takes for you to get through this difficult time.  don't let your husband make you feel guilty in any way and about your children.  the most important thing you can receive from your husband is support!! i fear if you don't have that your marriage may not work, you need 100% support from the significant other in your life.  I'm sorry you feel so alone and you feel like you do not "belong" with your sisters.  Have you tried to talk to them about this.  Please know what every you did for your mom is enough, don't beat yourself up about "couldn't done more" at the time I am sure you did the best you could.  Do you participate in group therapy or go to private therapy.  Since you are unable to get the support you need from your sisters and husband this may be what you need.  thinking about you in this difficult time.  I am a survivor of breast cancer and i know the support of my husband pulled me through.  Stacy

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited April 2010

    I lost my dad to cancer last year.  The first few months were a daze and unreal.  As the months went by, I seemed to miss him more, but it was a quiet kind of missing him.  I find myself at times wishing he was here just one more day to sit with me for awhile.  But the grief does not overpower me anymore.  Just a wistful sadness that I miss him at times I know he would enjoy.

    Eventually, you'll start to feel a little better .. but the sadness doesn't leave, it just doesn't feel so big. 

    If crying is not okay in your family or culture .. then cry in the shower .. and come share your tears with us.  We'll be here for you.

    Sending love,

    Bren

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  • Lifestooshort
    Lifestooshort Member Posts: 159
    edited April 2010

    Oh sweetie, how I can relate to you.  I lost my mom at age 7, she was 43 (not BC though but still traumatic). 

    Please P.M. me any time.  Here are some things that have helped me, along with periodic counseling over the years during the trying times:

    Hope Edelman's book Motherless Daughters (actually she has a couple of books)

    Also, go on her website.  You have to dig, but she has links to local support groups.  We started one where we are and there are about 6 lovely women that have this common bond and we are BFF's forever.  The day before mother's day we have a balloon release on honor of our mothers, and no kidding, 35 - 40 people show up every year for this.  It's awesome.

    I've also recently joined on FB (if you use FB)...there's an "Early Motherloss" support group and another one called "Motherless Daughters"...

    It's probably been hard for you to reach out like this.  I'm so glad you did.  Hang in there.  We are here.

    Laurie

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  • kapabu
    kapabu Member Posts: 3
    edited April 2010

    Thanks guys! I really appreciate all the advise I can get, I have seen a therapist about this and I have been able to not be as ''down" (i hate saying depressed) so that helps, she says all my feelings are part of the grieving process so we'll see how I do, I had a dream about by mom yesterday, she didnt say anything, only that she didn't need her oxygen machine anymore and more than anything she listened and I talked I feel like she is around me, kind of like watching she knew I needed to vent and provided me with my best friend in the world even if it was on a dream I was able to tell her everything and like always my much wiser mother, just listened. I woke up feeling refreshed and replenished with positive energy, took the kids to the park and now we are going for our Saturday nap. I know it's a cliche but I didnt feel as alone or empty after that dream, I belive she is in a better place (because in my dream I told her we would order the oxygen machine and very calmly she said -don't worry I dont need it anymore) I huged her and she listened

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  • GryffinSong
    GryffinSong Member Posts: 439
    edited April 2010

    What a beautiful, healing dream!!! Hugs to you!!!

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