I have not been the same-3 years out

iambubbies · April 2010

Three years ago I was diagnosed stage 1, had a lumpectomy, 6 1/2 weeks rads, no lymph node involvement. No chemo, opted for an oopharectomy/hysterectomy in lieu of tamoxifan. I have been depressed off and on during my life...traumatic childhood, PTSD, etc. about 3-4 months after the hyster/oopharectomy, I hit bottom. I lost my will to live although I wasn't making plans for suicide.

I went to a psychiatrist who dxed me with BiPolar after talking to me for 15 minutes I may very well be...I'm an artist and love my up swings (which I haven't had since my surgery).

I got put on Effexor and lamictal and the lamictal had the horrible effect of anxiety for me. So I supplement with Ativan. Effexor seems to have caused a serious sun allergy (NO kidding!) I'm in the sun for 30 seconds and any area exposed gets huge red welts (itchy).

So my P-doc says that he doesn't want to step me down on the effexor (because all SSRI's are the same)! I'm getting a new doc. But you know, on a happiness scale from 1 to 10, my baseline is about a 3 and never gets higher than 5. And I obsess about a recurrance all of the time.

I feel hopeless and wonder if it will ever be better? Can anyone relate? I really need to hear from some of you. I'm isolated in a mountain community (just moved) and I don't have any support here besides my husband. No one to talk to who understands this.

Thanks.

lisa

(aka Bubbies)

sheila888 · April 2010

Dear Lisa....I suffer from depression and am on Prozac for years now, which is also SSRI.

I don't get reactions from the sun. Maybe Effexor is not for you. There are so many other SSRI.

I tried different ones but always came back to Prozac. Until your DR finds the right medicine for you don't give up. I can relate to you how difficult it is to deal with depression.

Get a new DR.

good Luck

Sheila

iambubbies · April 2010

Thanks so much for the reply, Sheila. I'm just waiting for people to talk to. I'm sick of crying and having no motivation. I have 3 beautiful grown daughters, 5 grandsons, and a wonderful, caring husband. I don't think that I have the right to feel this way. But honest to god, some days I wish that I wouldn't wake up.

I have been trying to find a part time job, trying to make friends here. So many hardships and I'm sick of them. I try to not let it get to me but these last couple of years...I have just had it. My husband's disabled, money is tight and I'm going to be 48 next week! Where did my life go? I have always given up my dreams for my kids, for my grandkids, and now I feel like my life will never amount to anything.

It's so damned sick but sometimes, I think that if I had a recurrance, maybe it would be all over with. I'm sorry to you who have had them, I'm sorry to my family for thinking this way. The pain is just so hard.

New doctor...yes...I'm going to get a new one tomorrow and hopefully will be able to get in to see him soon. I hope he's not another of the same. I did very well on Paxil for about 5 years, was living a normal life till the hysterectomy. They put me on effexor to control hot flashes (which it HASN'T!)

Please forgive me for feeling sorry for myself. Cry I'll bet y'all want to be friends with me, don't ya??!!

sheila888 · April 2010

Lisa....only people who suffered or suffering from an illness can understand what you are going through..

When I was first diagnosed 5 years ago my DR said to me Depression and cancer don't go well together. that was a turning point for me. I used to say my cancer cured my depression.

But after all the treatments were over I really got hit very badly. even with antidepressants I can go weeks feeling good and one day no reason at all I fall feeling (1-10) 2 again.

But its been a long time since I had a relapse.

I have 2 grown daughters age 29 and 32. Not married. We have a wonderful relationship.

But its like BC I was on a healthy diet never smoked etc etc...still Cancer hit me.

So no women caused their BC or suffering from depression.

I hope this new Psychiatrist will find the right combination so you can start feeling better again.

PS...I just corrected the name of your medicine. I don't know why I wrote Arimidex instead of Effexor. sorry.

sadmom · April 2010

Lisa, I can relate. I was diagnosed in 1989 with stage 1, had a lumpectomy and radiation, no node involvement and 20 years later, no recurrences! I suffered from a very bad depression in 1995 and have been on zoloft ever since which has been a lifesaver. Luckily I have a very good psychiatrist and after trying paxil which upset my stomach, he put me on zoloft and that did the trick. It took about 6 weeks to feel better, but at one point after I had been taking it for about 3 weeks I had a breakthrough and felt like a veil of fog had lifted. It was surreal, after feeling total dispair for about 3 months, one evening I felt like normal. After that night I was afraid the "normal" would go away and it did for a little while, but over the next weeks I gradually got to feeling better all of the time. Now I feel as good as I did before the depression hit, with no side effects.

In the throes of the depression, I remember almost wishing the cancer was back, then I would have something to feel bad about! I could have won the lottery, and wouldn't have even cared. I knew there was no reason for me to feel like I did, but there was nothing I could do to change it. I never contemplated suicide, but I did not care if I woke up in the morning, either. Felt either deep sadness, or nothing. I had suffered a job loss, after 13 years of working with people I considered as "family", that triggered it. I had anxiety also and could literally feel my skin crawl. I had two teenagers at the time, and was neglecting them. When my son got confirmed, I did manage to go to church but I could not bear to go down to the reception afterward. My sister came one day (she lived about 2 hours away) and I would not get out of be and go downstairs to visit with her. I could go on and on.....I do know how you feel. My dad had suffered from depression his entire life and committed suicide when he was 70, I was 27 at the time. Lots of bad history in my family.

Find a good doctor, the right medicine will make a huge difference in your life! Don't give up....I know there is help out there for you!

I have been following the boards lately because my 31 year old daughter was diagnosed last July. She has finished up chemo and now on to radiation.

WendyInCalif · April 2010

I could have written your post, Bubbies. But I have no family. Everything else is the same. Finding a good doctor seems to be the challenge for both of us. Do get your B12 level checked. A low value can wreck havoc on us and I am in the midst of this workup. I am considering also bioidentical hormones because lack of estrogen is probably contributing to my absolute disabling fatigue and lack of enthusiasm even though I am remarkably lucky to be alive as we know. I just want to sleep but cannot even sleep as no doctor will give me sleep meds due to suicide in my family. My house is a wreck. I don't feel attractive and sexuality is the last thing on my mind so dating of course is out of the question. I also have had negatie impact from economy and living in my car is a real possibility having lost 50% of my income in the last year. At 52, and working really really hard all of my life, I am so disappointed with how life has turned out. But, again, I have to do everything I can and you do to - to find the energy to live and reason to live. So, yes, I understand exactly where you are. I am right beside you and want to cry just because I wanted so badly right now to find someone who felt like me, opened up this web site and your post was the first thing I saw. Hang in there, sister. I will try to do the same.

karen1956 · April 2010

I am 4 years since Dx and I am not the same person I was before BC...I blame part of the problem on the AI's.....side effects include depression, anxiety, insomnia, heartburn, joint pain, mental fogginess, memory problems, no libido and the list goes on....it has affected my relationship with my husband...I no longer work full-time...I've back on anti-depressants (wellbutrin), take Ativan when needed, sleeping pills, stimulants among other things....never took any Rx prior to BC.....I will be 54 next month and too young to feel so blah....I am half way through a 2 month break from the AI's and I am seeing an improvement in my mood, mental clarity, memory....started a different type of sleeping pill 2 nights ago and have slept 6 hours straight (a record for me)....Digressing a bit....before the Wellbutrin, I tried several other anti-depressants including Effexor, Cymbalta, was on Lamictal....stopped them for several months last year and had to go back on this past fall as I was hitting a black hole again....The lack of estrogen hits some of us much harder than others.....well, I'm beginning to ramble....wishing everyone feel good days....

iambubbies · April 2010

to Sheila,

no prob about the med name...I figured you meant effextor. that is no kidding that cancer and depression don't go well together.

I have a good relationship with my daughters although I live farther away from them now. But I know that I can wear them out by talking about depression. It hurts them to see me go through this. Thanks so much again for relating and telling your story. I don't want to give up, I just want to feel a little better.

iambubbies · April 2010

To Sadmom,

Thanks so much for writing. I remember the first time that I was put on Paxil years ago and I had that feeling of just being normal after 3 or 4 weeks. And I had the anxiety that it would go away, too. It was such a good feeling like, ahhh, I can relax now and when I wake up, I will feel like doing something or at least I won't feel like staying in bed. I haven't had a day like that for at least 3 years.

it sounds like you know about family trauma, too. I have never heard anyone else admit that they sometimes wished the cancer was back...yes so that I can have a reason to feel this bad. My therapist says that when my meds get in better adjustment that some of my hope and energy will come back. It's hard to feel like doing anything right now, not even working on my creative projects that I love so much when I feel well.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. Was that horrible for you (of course it was) but I mean because you had some information and experience with bc, do you think that it helped you cope with your daughter's bc? How is she doing? Bless her heart...and yours too.

Lisa

(aka Bubbies)

iambubbies · April 2010

Dear Wendy in California,

(I'm Bubbies in California, btw)

It's comforting in a strange way to find others who feel similar. I'm not happy that you ladies are experiencing the pain but who else can understand?

I was using bioidenticals for a little while but changed doctors. I didn't see a big difference when using them but she had me on a low dose. It has become a quality of life issue for me. 18 months after my hysterectomy, I had not had a good night's sleep even once because of 15 or more hot flashes an hour (NO joke!) And my oncologist actually put me on a low dose premarin. I begged him because I felt so bad. The hot flashes stopped but I got really nervous and went off of them after a couple of months. Then I tried the bio identicals but like i said, I need to find a new doc who can prescribe them for me. I'm willing to take the risk because this is not living. Didn't Suzanne Somers use bio identicals? I have heard that some studies are showing that bios may actually help in preventing recurrance. I can't cite where I heard that, though.

I will get b12 checked....I hadn't thought of that.

I would be living in my car (with my husband) if my mom didn't have a house next door for us to live in. We have pretty much lost everything between his disability (back and heart issues) and my dozens of issues.

I feel disappointed in the way that my life turned out and then sometimes I feel like it's all over. How do I start again at 48 when I feel like life has trampled me down? I have no confidence at all.

Here's hoping for hope for all of us. Sending a hug, Wendy.

Lifestooshort · April 2010

Hey Lisa,

We had depression in our household....they told my daughter she was bipolar but when insurance changed the new psych doc said, well, not really bipolar....just mood disorder. whatever the dx, she's been doing fine for about 9 years now on seroquel with a little effexor. she also had lexapro added in the mix, but we got off that fine and just occasionally with life stressors the seroquel is adjusted up or down. i just tried effexor with my new dx and only 1 got one pill down before becoming violently ill....so i guess my point is it worked for my daughter, but not me....so don't be afraid to keep trying to find the right things. good luck.

Bren-2007 · April 2010

Hi Bubbies ... my depressive disorder predates my cancer diagnosis. The diagnosis, surgery, rads, etc. made things worse. So did antihormonals. I'm grateful I now have a PCP who is knowledgable about treating this. Every shrink I saw was completely nuts.

I take Celexa and recently Abilify was added. I swear by the Abilify .. I was still so down and out on the Celexa alone.

I also suffered through many family traumas, but am finally able to put all that behind me.

Best wishes .. I hope your new doc will be helpful.

hugs,

Bren

Edited: I also wanted to add that I am three years out too.

cathmg · April 2010

Hi Lisa,

thanks for your honest post, and we who have been there understand. I had some anxiety and probably ptsd before the bc diagnosis because of a childhood of abuse and neglect. When faced with the diagnosis, I fell off a cliff into clinical depression and anxiety attacks-and my healthcare providers were not that knowledgeable-it was a struggle of a few months to get to see a psychiatrist and find a medication that helped (celexa,seroquel). I also saw a counselor and did a therapy called EMDR, which helps the brain process trauma. Long story short- a year and a half later I am off the celexa and other meds and am working again.

Pm me if you want, and have a good day....

Catherine

sadmom · April 2010

Hi Lisa, my daughter is doing very well. I have never seen anyone as strong. For example, the night she shaved her head (actually her beautician did it for her) she threw a "pink party." She invited about 40 friends (she has lots of friends!) and they had pink cupcakes, pink drinks, decorations etc., it was October so she had no trouble finding pink during breast cancer awareness month. Anyway, during the party before her head was shaved her beautician gave her a pink mohawk. My daughter also painted a pink stripe down her dog's back! After most of her friends left, her beautician finished the job and then my daughter did break down. She lives several states away, and I could not be there for her party, but I know I couldn't have managed it anyway.

Her attitude has been amazing. When I was diagnosed I was a basket case. I've only seen her shed tears twice, even then hardly at all. She is very active in the Susan G. Komen program. She has such a sense of humor and did not let this diagnosis change her lifestyle very much at all. In fact, she works and plays too hard, I wish she would slow down with both but that just isn't her style! She is my inspiration, hopefully I will never have a recurrence but if I do I will try to handle it the same way she has handled her diagnosis, with grace and humor!

That isn't to say she hasn't had some rough times too. Her oncologist has prescribed an anti-depressant and something for sleep also....the insomnia has been hard for her to deal with. She and her husband are heading here this weekend and I can't wait to see her even though I just saw her last month.

I'm sure the fact that I've been cancer-free for 20 years has been a very positive thing for her to focus on. I was devastated when she told me and her dad of her diagnosis and it was very hard to watch her go through chemo, but she made it so much easier by always sounding upbeat and positive when I talked to her. I'm sure sometimes she didn't feel that way and was just trying to make things easier for me and her dad!

Someone once told me as a parent you are always as happy as your unhappiest child and I certainly think that is true.

I hope you feel better very soon! Please PM me if you want!

Cowgirl13 · April 2010

Lisa, I am bipolar--i'm bipolar 2--which is a milder form of bipolar (I've never thought i was Jesus!).

I was on antidepressants for years until I was finally diagnosed 2 years ago as bi-polar. Antidepressants do not work for bipolar depression. I am on lamictal and seroquel which work very well. Talk to your new psychiatrist about other alternatives to lamictal--there is much help to be found. Please keep me posted.

iambubbies · April 2010

To All: I have a lot to write so please scan what you want and ignore the rest. I didn't know that I could only write 5 posts in 24 hours! i have tried to separate replies with pics and things. the pics are from my yard.

Thank you so much for being there for me, ladies. It's so strange in some ways, this cyber support. I'm here alone and yet, we're all talking about breast cancer, and life and pain, and joy. And I know that there you are, with your beautiful souls on the other side of this connection, writing about your lives and your suffering and your hopes. thank you so much.

Smile

My first reply was to Karen, (hi Karen)

I didn't take AI's for two reasons: I was stage 1 and had my ovaries removed and because I have had such a problem with depression and general health problems...I didn't want to mess things up any worse. I think that the lack of Estrogen was the magic light switch that flipped me over to non-functioning. I think it's a horrible thing, a rotten cosmic joke thatmany of us who have already gone through so much, just keep getting hit with crappy side effects, etc. Can't we just go on now that we have survived this cancer so far??? It that too much to ask??!!

I wish you many nights of sound sleep. I wish that there was some cure that we, on this very forum, could come up with to feel better, don't you? I'm in need of a genie and a lamp right now....I've tried everything else.

Please keep writing....

BTW there was a thread that I browsed over and someone was posting these pictures of cool things in their gardens...I went to look for them because they made me have a moment of serenity but I can't find them now. Does anyone know where they are?

daisies

Dear Lifestooshort, (and Cowgirl13)

Thanks for your words. It's good to hear that your daughter has been doing well for so long. I know that I have bipolar symptoms and have always thought that I was Cyclothymic ( a lower level of cycling) but I guess with major depressive episodes, that puts me in the Bipolar 2 category. I have never had psychotic thoughts or actions...no walking on water delusions..but have had extremely creative periods where I couldn't sleep for a couple of days. Then there is the flip side of the depression afterwards. I also have a predisposition to addictions of all kinds.

Bren,

I am in the same boat...depression before the cancer. I'm very wary of psychiatrists and am lucky to have a therapist who helps me think things through where docs are concerned and I seem to have enough wits about me to examine and weigh what they say. I'm not impressed so far but I have to hope that someone can help me. Congrats on your 3 years!

Hi Catherine, I have heart of something like EMDR...EFT but upon researching EMDR, it looks like there are several practioners in my area but none that my insurance accepts. Interesting. I don't see what it could hurt. I will PM you.
Dear Sadmom,
it sounds like your daughter has the attitude that we'd all like to have. It just didn't work out that way for me. I tried to be as positive as possible but I was being phony. I never fell for the adage that you'll do better at kicking the cancer if you have a good attitude. I know a lot of people who died with a good attitude.
But that being said, a positive attitude like your daughters....what a gift to all of you and to her. It does make it bearable if you can laugh.

To All:
I do have one person that I call:I have a childhood friend who just finished chemo...we talk on the phone every couple of weeks. We both do this crazy obsessing like I told her this week that I had to get a chest x ray to make sure I didn't have pneumonia. I was sure that they would tell me I had cancer in my lungs. And then I have a problem with the joint in my finger and I told her that I'm afraid that I have finger cancer. She proceeded to tell me that she thinks she has eye cancer. We go back and forth in this morose manner making each other pee our pants. But when all is said and done, I sink back down into my sadness and pain.(and she does too)
Hugs to you, Ladies. Please send them back in your thoughts. I also accept all blessings and prayers that get sent my way.
Lisa
(aka Bubbies)

sheila888 · April 2010

Lisa...So glad you opened this thread. You are not alone. you know that already yes/

Hugs to you

Sheila.

PS The name of that beautiful flower and nature pictures is " I come to the garden "

there is another one "Life is a beach " they both have beautiful sceneries and nature.

I always google pictures for those 2 threads. I feel so peaceful when I look at them.

Bren-2007 · April 2010

Bubbies .. love your garden pic! I'm crazy about gardening .. and even decorate my garden like I would in the house! It's a great stress buster and keeps my depression away!

hugs,

Bren

sadmom · April 2010

Lisa, I think you are correct about the estrogen (or lack thereof) playing a major role in your depression. My psychiatrist, who I love, told me that depression often hits a woman in their 40s, I was 39. We wondered if the tamox was contributing to it, and I had only been taking it 3 years at the time, I didn't start taking it until 2 years after dx, anyway he took me off of it. Looking back, I don't really think that was the problem, but we were trying whatever we could. I remember thinking at the time, I went through so many other things (breast cancer, husband's alcoholism and treatment, father's death, husband's illness - he has a cavernous hemangioma in his brain - and I handled them fine! Then after a job loss I fall apart! How stupid that I couldn't handle such a minor thing!

My psych dr. says my illness is chemical, lack of serotonin, just like a diabetic can't produce enough insulin. He says I have to stay on meds the rest of my life or the depression will come back. He went so far as to say that if I quit taking my med, he would no longer be my doctor! A few years after the depression lifted, I didn't want to take the zoloft anymore so I quit, against his advice. Was a good period in my life, nothing particularly stressful going on. I was fine for about two months, then I could feel the anxiety start to build and the beast coming back! Haven't tried to stop again since, and I won't.

I hope and pray there is a med out there that will help you feel as good as I have been feeling for the last 15 years! I know not everything works for everyone, I was fortunate to find the one for me on the second try. Don't give up! I know how you are feeling......if I had to choose between having a recurrence of bc or suffering from a severe bout of depression again, boy, that would be a tough one. I almost think I would go with the bc!

iambubbies · April 2010

I have had Seratonin problems for most of my life. I have theories that seem to be backed up by science that all of the cortisol that I dealt with as a young child (sexual abuse, etc) messed up whatever chance I had at normal brain chemistry. I think that many of my problems in life I may have caused...married and pregnant at 17...various addictions (although not drug and alcohol). But my health problems...asthma, sickness, allergies, seratonin, breast cancer, husband's disability and nearly losing him to heart valve problems, on and on it goes, these are not my fault. And childhood sexual abuse, major NOT MY FAULT! But it all took it's toll on me. I just want a chance at having a decent rest of my life. Cry I want some happiness that lasts longer that 30 minutes. I'm tired of suffering.

I'm sorry, I'm having such a bad day today. Already I want to curl up in a ball on the couch and not come out. I had to hit the ativan early today....usually I can take 1 mg but had to take two. I woke up with an obsession that I'm going to be audited for my website which I haven't been claiming income on (so little income!) and I have myself already in jail in my head and suicidal. And what would my grandkids think?? Bizarre thoughts today.

Thanks for listening. I'm going back to the cottage thread that I just created to see what I can drum up over there. Please come and visit. Let's make a little retreat in this muck of depression.

I wish there was a "smilie" for pain. That's an oxymoron in itself.

I need you all. So far, I fave felt like I have a little tether line since I came to this site a few days ago, hearing your stories and encouragement. I don't want to fall off of my cliff of depression.

Love and hugs.

Lisa

I have not been the same-3 years out

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