help dealing with showy booby women

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mnmom
mnmom Member Posts: 2,068
edited June 2014 in Bonded by Breast Cancer

I was sooo ignorant about BC. I wonder where I fit in I found a painful small lump end of 08. mammo,ultrasound,biopsy,lumpectomy 2cm +,sentinode biopsy neg, found extensive dcis w/necrosis, bi lat mri,ct, rt masthectomy found rogue lymphnodes behind breast 2 positive metastatic carcinoma & angiolymphatic invasion then had another surgery to remove all lymphnodes & put in a port. They nicked my lung & it colapsed 4 days later @4am. (basically spent Dec 08 in hospital). I have been told conflicting things about my cancer what stage by different docs some where between 2a & 3 Jan09 4 chemos Taxotere &cytoxan, April 09 33 rads. Tomoxifin. minor lynphodema, brac had unknown varience flag but no recent family history. An ovarian cyst that would not go away.. total hysterectomy Feb 2010 (the hysterectomy brought me peace) aging parents,4 kids 3 youngest at home 24,14,12,6yr olds now I am 48 will celebrate 1 year survival in June. I know why they call it survival. Oh yeah, my husband ordered viagra when my mx was scheduled & has not touched me since.

I am having a real hard time dealing with showy boobed women Every family get together they wear revealing clothes it upsets me Cry& I do not want it to. I want to get on with things but these 2 sister & sister in law do'nt give it a second thought. 1 even won a recent contest involving her boobiness. I know it is me that has changed Please...any ideas (I am not close to either). Do not know if it is a hormone thing or just me Thanks

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  • mnmom
    mnmom Member Posts: 2,068
    edited April 2010

    Oh yeah my husband ordered viagra when they decided to take the breast off. He has not touched me since.

  • hymil
    hymil Member Posts: 826
    edited April 2010

    Sounds to me like your family is being particularly insensitive to your needs (that's assuming they know what you have been through - not really their fault if they don't know). Certainly I have been more aware of blatant over-exposure since my diagnosis, but not had any from close associates.

    What a good thing we get to choose our friends eh?

  • susiered
    susiered Member Posts: 256
    edited April 2010

    I have a friend who is the same way. We have been best friends since we were 16. She is very large breasted as I was before my double mast. It seems everytime we get together she is always cutting up with another of our friends husbands about her "girls" as she calls them. I know I am just being over sensitive, but to be honest it hurts me so bad. You would just think she would have enough couth to not talk and cut up about them around me. It has gotten so bad that I have stopped getting together with my friends when they get together. I feel like I am being childish, but it's just too painful right now. She still has hers and mine are gone.

    I wish I had something to say to help you, but I can't because I know it bothers me too. I just feel she is being insensitive. I am looking for ideas on how to tell her how much it bothers me without making her upset.Good luck to us both!

    Susan 

  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited April 2010

    I don't have to deal with this from close friends since I live in a religious community where people dress modestly. However, when I go other places and see women with low-necked blouses, cleavage showing etc it bothers me like crazy. Since it's not people I'm close with (and sometimes not even people I know) there's nothing I can do about it but put up with it.

    It's 1 1/2 yrs since my mast (Nov 08) and I dn't know how long this will last. I'm having a prophy mast on the other side with DIEP recon in July so I hope it gets better after that.

    Leah

  • lisa-e
    lisa-e Member Posts: 819
    edited April 2010

    I call it boob envy.  I get it all the time as I work on a college campus where many beautiful young women dress in low cut blouses and tight tee shirts.  I just notice how I feel and don't worry too much about it.

  • Cowgirl13
    Cowgirl13 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited April 2010

    I've never gotten the showy booby thing.  Maybe its because of my age (64--a young 64!) but i just don't get it.  And it happens  more these days.  BTW, i have not had a mastectomy, i only had a lumpectomy.

  • fionn
    fionn Member Posts: 44
    edited April 2010

    Hi the only time i felt bad about boobs was when i was sitting in the hospital being fitted for a wig. The girl who was doing the fitting was tall and slim, she had long blonde hair and her blouse was unbuttoned nearly to her belly button, she also was wearing a ton of makeup. The other ladies who where along with me thought it very insensitive to have someone like her to be fitting us out.(after all we had no hair or eyebrows and most of us had one boob or none

  • mnmom
    mnmom Member Posts: 2,068
    edited April 2010
    Yes Hymil, they live within an hour of me but were barely distant supporters during it, 1 watched my kids a couple times & the other baked cookies, I have dressed more conservative for 20 yrs at least & never had much to show anyhow. I have always been a bit disgusted by the women who flaunt them. I can change the channel if it is on tv but can not turn off the people I have to deal with.
    I Never understood it either, I suppose if I did there would be something simple I could do about it
    Susiered, if you  find something that works let me know.I do not know that it is so much envy as I just still feel insecure in my different body. Sometimes I think these feelings never will end & it is hard to get on when people seem to flaunt your loss. No recon for me just a prothesis(?) fake one I wear most of the time (guess I am a bit of a people pleaser but it makes my kids more comfortable as my bc was tramatic for them as well). Thank you for your heartfelt words. It means a great deal to beable to share with someone(s) who can relate. I Wish there was an easy answer.
    Leah, good luck with your DIEP in July.
    Fionn, I never wore makeup until I lost all my hair & then just for eyebrows. I wore a wrap or scarf but I did have a couple nurses that looked like they were in a pageant. Just rude!
    btw I read every response yesterday but did not know the post limit so could not write back til today. Would it be ok for me to stay in this forum? I seem to fit a lot of categories but am done with treatments. Thanks again for your info.
  • Raili
    Raili Member Posts: 435
    edited April 2010

    mnmom,

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so hurt by friends' and family members' insensitivity!  Are your sisters wearing clothing that is more revealing (or wearing revealing more frequently) now that you've been through BC treatment, or are they dressing the same as they did before but now it bothers you more? What I mean is, are they doing it on purpose to upset you?  Do you have an "ally" family member you can talk with about your feelings, either way? 

    I've been thinking lately, about all of the big-breasted women I see on the street.  In the past, I used to sometimes automatically think women were being "showy" with their boobs if they were wearing anything that was revealing or drew attention to their breasts, but I'm re-thinking it now, partly because of what's happening with my OWN breasts.  I had a lumpectomy and I've been through 4 weeks of radiation (2 more to go), and my irradiated breast has swelled up so much - it feels to be a cup size larger, although I'm not sure if that's my imagination.  For sure, the areola and nipple have nearly doubled in size and I get so self-conscious about it but there's not much I can do about it.  I've been wearing just shirts, with no bra, and choosing what I wear based on the softness of the fabric and not what the shirt looks like, because lots of shirts irritate my tender skin right now.  Anyway, my point is, the other day I was in the grocery store after having just been irradiated, and was so embarrassed to realize that my nipple was so big and obvious, especially because I was only wearing a thin T-shirt with no underlayer... I was trying to carry groceries against my chest to hide my breasts... because suddenly I felt like one of Those Women I had always been critical of - there I was with big breasts (well, at least ONE was much bigger than usual), with protruding nipples, and I wondered if strangers would see me and automatically peg me as one of those young women who's trying to show off her breasts, when nothing could be further from the truth.

    Wow, I'm getting long-winded.  Last weekend I also went to a conference for young adults with cancer (I'm 31) and I had never been in a room with 80 people who also had/have cancer, and it was quite enlightening.  I looked around and felt embarrassed to find myself thinking that with many of the people in that room, if I passed them on the street, I would never in a million years guess that they had cancer - I might think, "Ugh, frat boy, I'll stay away, thanks."  That "frat boy" actually turned out to be really sweet and he talked mostly about the little kids he works with, which he loves.  I'm finding myself now making fewer assumptions about people, both strangers and people I know, and realizing everyone has big things going on in their own lives that I know nothing about....just like no one who saw my showy breasts in the grocery store would ever guess that it was swelling due to cancer treatments.

    Despite all of that, I am not at all recommending trying to be okay with it when people are rude and/or insensitive ON PURPOSE.  That's just not okay.  What worries me more than your sisters wearing revealing clothing is the fact that your husband has not touched you since you lost your breast. :(  I know that wasn't the initial topic of your post, so you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to... but, how is your relationship overall?  IS he supportive, kind, understanding?  Does he realize his not touching you is a problem (OF HIS, not yours) and is he working on that at all - support group, therapy?  mnmom, you deserve love and kindness, people who care for and about you...

  • lorrhaw
    lorrhaw Member Posts: 751
    edited April 2010

    I have always been pretty flat chested so showing off my boobs was never a priority to me but I was never bothered by lack of them either.  A few weeks ago I was at a restaurant at the beach with my best friend and there was a group of very youngish women (mid 20's) all dressed to enhance their figures.  My thoughts were how sad it is that there is a very good chance that at least one of them will develop breast cancer at some point in their life.  I did experience a bit of jealousy,  not around their appearance, but around their innocence.  I have only been living with my diagnosis a few months but already I so miss what I call "my days of innocence" before I knew what was about to hit me.  After spending time on this forum I am struck everyday by the sadness that they can't figure this crap out, or if they can they aren't telling us.  I pray for the day when nobody has to deal with the horror and fear that all of us here face every day.

  • mnmom
    mnmom Member Posts: 2,068
    edited April 2010
    I just wanted to put it all out there at once (kind of like throwing up ha)took me all morning just to write the first post. My marriage is a wash & I totally know it is his problem(s) He is a very manipulative, attention seeking, cruel person. There are children,bills,insurance,etc. involved so too complicated at this moment but trying to get our lives on track ( mine & the kids ) & am not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
    I wore soft loose blouses too cotton, silk etc but I wrapped my remaing breast against my chest with an couple ace bandages like a half bra & while we are at it why don't they make a half bra or do they & no one knows?. I do not recall any swelling from rad but was only treated on the mx side. Good luck with your last 2 treatments & congrats. Glad you met some nice people at the conference, When I went through mine it was all senior citizens not that should really matter in chemo & rad nice enough but the connection was not there. I know that there are great people out there that can relate that is why I am on here.
    1 was flaunty but seems worse now so I am not sure. The other used to dress a lot more conservative but like I mentioned she won this contest & wears these (to me grossly revealing) costumes publically now & even around family. If I had not experienced bc I would be embarrased to be around her & might say something to her although that rocks my brothers marriage boat. He appogised for her antics at the last gathering & I could not even discuss it I started to cry & walked away. I was so embarrassed! I guess at some point I will have to do or say something as I do not want my kids around that kind of behavior. It is tough to have to make those decisions when it is someone close to you.
    I do feel for the young also as I am mid aged I was nieve about alot & just cause no one in my family had ever had bc figured it would not happen to me actually never thought about it at all. I know better now of course. The innocence you refer to is like the movie 'they live' with Roddy Piper? when he puts on the glasses & see's really see's things as they are. If we could only be so enlightened earlier.
    lorrhaw,  Amen
  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2010

    When I look at a woman flashing a booby show, in my head I say "MOOOOOO". It helps. I was very large breasted before I lost mine (and even had a reduction!)

    When you see someone really flashing just go up to them and flash back and say "Don't get too attached to those, honey."

  • OneBadBoob
    OneBadBoob Member Posts: 1,386
    edited April 2010

    Just my little $.02 worth--

    I am almost three years since my mastectomy--in the beginning, all I could do was "stare at other women's beautiful breasts."  And feel extreme pain for the loss of my "bad boob" since I had always thought of myself as someone who had great boobs.

    You know what?  It has passed--but then again, it has been three years.  I think it is something we have to go through in the beginning when we lose a breast--part of the grieving process.  Because a breast is more than a breast--it is an important part in pro-creation and the sustanance of the species.  Okay, now I sound way out there. . .

    Now, my feeling is, when I see these young gorgeous girls with great boobs, if they are close to me (I have 7 nieces in their 20's), I will ask them when they had their last breast exam or mammo.  And let them know they are never too young for breast cancer, not to scare them, but that they should be sure to know each nook and cranny of their pretty boobs right after their periods, and if anything changes, see a doctor and demand a mammogram!  If they say you are too young to have breast cancer, see a different doctor!!

    Edited to add:  I do remember our dear departed sister  Diane (BadBoob67) who often told obnoxious women they were just one mammogram away from her!  So true!!!

  • mnmom
    mnmom Member Posts: 2,068
    edited August 2010

    I can not see myself ever flashing ... but thanks for the ideas

  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited April 2010

    I had a single mast. and afterwards I couldn't stop looking at women's chests.  Then I started arimidex and my hair thinned and I started looking at the lovely locks everyone else seemed to have.  Then I developed lymphedema and now I look at arms.  I envy women with slender arms.  So I guess it just all depends where we are.  

    Gentle hugs mnmom. 

  • NatureGrrl
    NatureGrrl Member Posts: 1,367
    edited May 2010

    barbe, you crack me up Smile 

    But more seriously, for the first x months after my dx, I couldn't bear to see breasts anywhere, revealed or not.  It took me awhile to figure out but it was (for me) like being slapped in the face with my dx over and over again.  I finally came to terms with it and I'm OK now but it was something that I had to work through. 

    I don't know your SIL and it's not my relationship and it's hard for me to know what I'd do... but one thing that helps me in a lot of situations is sorting out what's mine and what's someone else's... and then I can take care of my stuff and forget the rest.  Does that make any sense?  So at some point you may need to confront your SIL with her insensitivity, but make sure you're clear about what you want to say to her, and what part is really hers.  When I've had to deal with touchy situations I've found it best to think it through calmly and away from the person so when I do have the opportunity to talk with them, I can be rational and present my side in as loving a way as possible;  I make my statements and let it go from there because I have no control over what people will do with what I say.  It sounds, though, like she won't care and will push it back on you (call you overly sensitive or something, I'm just guessing here, but she sounds like the kind of person to do that).  If so, you've done all you can do.

    My parents had a very antagonistic relationship at times and keeping grandchildren away from them wasn't really an option... so my brother and SIL explained to them as often as they needed to that grandma and grandpa didn't always treat each other very well and it wasn't a good way to treat someone you love but that was the way they were and no one could change them and we all loved them anyway. (One time my nephew asked my mom, his grandma, why she yelled at grandpa so much -- you'd think that would have brought her up short -- but she didn't miss a beat, she said he made her mad and it was his fault. Sigh.).   Maybe a talk like that would help your children understand the difference between acceptable behavior and that part of your SIL's behavior that is offensive, because I seriously doubt, from what you're saying, that she's going to change.  Your kids are all old enough to understand.   It sounds like she's proud of her breasts and doesn't understand how much she's objectifying herself and possibly offending others.  Some people are clueless and won't change.  Some people are clueless but do respond well if someone points out how insensitive they're being.

    Whatever you do, best of luck to you....

    PS  Divorce is really difficult and hard to go through but more than worth it to get rid of a bad husband.  

  • mnmom
    mnmom Member Posts: 2,068
    edited August 2010

    OneBadBoob & Barbe1958,

    My greatest appologies for not getting it sooner!

    THANK YOU!

    Out of the blue I got an email from my brother saying he did not want to discuss my feelings but went on to brag about some local event they were going to be at (because of the contest his wife won - see last paragraph of original post) & that if I were to attend they would say hello so................I confronted my He & my sister in law, used some of both your suggestions. No flashing but very direct talk. She did not get it, either did her husband(my brother) I now auto-trash emails from them cause they are messed up & I need NO more hassle in my life! I am comfortable with that, not happy but comfortable. It was such a relief to just say anything & try to open their eyes....I can do no more about them. I have spent too much time keeping my mouth shut to keep peace & walking on eggshells around topics(BC)that no one wants to hear about. I have discovered that I like scrambled eggs sometimes.SmileI think I am stronger for it.  

    Thanks again all you gals for your sharing & suggestions (hugs to all)

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited August 2010
    Ah, you done good! Laughing One thing I think everyone takes away from a cancer diagnosis is to not let toxic people into your circle of trust.
  • mnmom
    mnmom Member Posts: 2,068
    edited August 2010
    You are right!!!! I cannot beleive I am still growing up at almost 50Surprised.

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