Hating reality and missing my denial

Options
Suzybelle
Suzybelle Member Posts: 920
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
Hating reality and missing my denial
· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • Suzybelle
    Suzybelle Member Posts: 920
    edited April 2010

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 months ago, had a double mastectomy - no reconstruction -Feb. 12, and am back at work, church, life, etc., trying to do my thing and get back to 'normal'.  I've been really proud of how I've done, all things considered, but today I had a harsh dose of reality, I guess.  I haven't been wearing prostheses b/c the bra really aggravates/hurts right now - I guess I'm not healed up enough to wear it??  Plus, I'm just a lot more comfortable without it, to be honest.

     One of my coworkers (male) asked me when I was going to get boobs.  I said I didn't know if I was or not, but that it was a very personal decision (in other words - butt out, dufus.).  I went home and asked my husband if it was really noticeable that I didn't have breasts anymore, and he said, "Yes, honey, it is."  I'm tall - 5'8 - and wear a size 8/10, and he's right.  I cried when I realized this...and I haven't cried much at all (maybe twice at the max) during this whole thing.  I have been pretending like I could walk around and no one would know what was done to me.  It's like if no one knows and I look normal I can pretend like I'm not disfigured and that I'm okay.  It just broke my heart and then I got so upset because my husband got upset for me and was worried about what he said, but he was just being honest with me.

     I have so much to be grateful for and feel like a louse for whining about having my breasts cut off, but honestly.  I had no idea that freaking boobs would be this big of a deal.  I don't WANT any more surgery.  I don't WANT to wear a stupid bra that hurts my incisions and I don't WANT dumba$$es to ask me about them like I'm going in to fix my transmission or something.

     I'm ready to get to the point where I don't give a crap if I look as flat as a pancake.  I thought I was there, but obviously not there yet.

     Honestly, I'm most disappointed in myself that I was 'pretending' like I looked normal, was normal, felt normal, etc.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I will get okay with this again...I guess it just takes time. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • lisa-e
    lisa-e Member Posts: 819
    edited April 2010

    What an idiot your coworker is!   I can't even think of a suitable comeback:  I think you were extrodinarily gracious in your response.

    I had a bilateral mx, without reconstruction, in September 08.   I have forms, but usually don't wear them.  I was very self-concious at first and thought every one was staring at me.  But in reality, the only people who notice I don't have breasts are people I've known for a long time (I was quite busty) or women who have also had mastectomies.  Of course your husband would notice your lack of breasts, but I really don't think the average person would.  In any case, don't be disappointed in yourself.  It does take time to get used to your changed body.

    There are a couple of threads in the 'Breast Prosthesis and Reconstruction Alternatives'  that you may find useful.  One is 'Wardrobe pics for  boobless days."  The other is the Flat Look Vs Prostheis (with Pics).  Also, look at Erica's Breast Free Site:

    http://breastfree.org/

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Suzybelle
    Suzybelle Member Posts: 920
    edited April 2010

    Thanks, Lisa.  I have been on the Breast Free site A LOT trying to get okay with not wearing the forms just because they are so uncomfortable right now.  And (this is just me - I would never speak for another woman) it just seems kind of phony and pointless to me.  Why should I try to look normal by strapping on fake boobs?  It seems kind of like I should feel like I need to hide what I had done or something.  But of course, I also don't want anyone COMMENTING on it, so I guess I can't have it both ways.


    The photos in the thread you mentioned have helped me so much - I literally studied them 3 weeks ago when I realized I was not going to be able to wear my forms b/c the pain was too bad.  I tried pinning some shoulder pads to the front of a tshirt and wound up looking like Zena Warrior Princess.  :) 

     I guess I just had a blue day today and the moron at work didn't help.  Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience.  I am going to go proudly formless to work tomorrow!!!!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • lisa-e
    lisa-e Member Posts: 819
    edited April 2010

    Suzy, you're still actively healing now so I am not surprised you find forms uncomfortable.  That may change though.   I found forms uncomfortable for the first 3 or 4 months after my mast.  Now, I am comfortable when I do wear them and I even find the sensation of having breasts again to be pleasant.  However, it they are too much of a bother to wear all of the time - I tend to think of forms as dress up accessories.  Some outfits just don't look right without breasts.  

    LOL, re Zena the Warrior Princess.  If you look like her, that isn't all bad.  I always thought she was pretty sexy.  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Kyta
    Kyta Member Posts: 713
    edited April 2010

    Hi Suzy ~ I agree that your coworker is a moron, and I agree with lisa-e that you're still healing, and your forms won't be as unconfortable in a month or two. I had an mx in Dec and although I still want reconstruction as a long term plan, I pretty much don't notice the form anymore. Good luck to you.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Suzybelle
    Suzybelle Member Posts: 920
    edited April 2010

    Thank you, Mich_M - how long does it take to heal up completely?  It's been nearly 2 months - I figured I would be well by now.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • hotandcold
    hotandcold Member Posts: 205
    edited April 2010

    "It's very complicated and I don't discuss it in public."  Is the answer I've been using for people with questions that are none of their business. I got caught off guard a couple of times and a good friend helped me come up with that. Then I ask them a question about their life.  I've gotten a few odd looks, but it shuts them up.  

     How long it takes to heal up completely is a very individual thing.  I had a bi-lateral mast, chemo and radiation to one breast.  Took me a full year to be able to wear a bra again.  What I use is an old sweater bra of mine that I saved. The kind of bra that has the foam cup.  Then I sewed in the pouffy forms with stuff like batting in them that I got with the mastectomy camisole I bought..  The cotton cloth doesn't bother me and that way I know that it is my shape and size since it is my original bra.  . Not some fitters idea of what I should like.  Good luck.  Don't let people put you on the spot with awkward questions.  I'm 18 months out from original diagnosis and people still ask awkward questions..

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • anniebford
    anniebford Member Posts: 128
    edited April 2010

    Hi Suzy,

    Some people are idiots and they don't know how their careless/nosy/stupid comments can affect others. Try to not let it get to you. I haven't had recon done yet. I use the poofy batting filled things that are available through the TLC catalog. They were soft, size adjustable, and inexpensive.  They have camisoles with form pockets that you may find comfortable since they have no band around the ribcage and wide, tank top style shoulders. Remember that we are here and understand.

    Annie  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • codavis
    codavis Member Posts: 122
    edited April 2010

    People suck and I'm sorry you had to experience someone who is obviously clueless. You should go with what is most comfortable and what feels right to you. 

    I returned to work yesterday after taking 6 weeks after a mastectomy of my right breast. I am having reconstruction, which can't be completed until after I finish chemo (6 months) and I'm pretty lopsided. I have an expander in and I go in for fills every week. Eventually, my right side will be a little bigger than the left and when all is said and done, the expander will be replaced with an implant and I should end up even again. In the meantime, I have struggled with trying to make myself look normal and wondering if others are noticing. I'm wearing a camisole like 'hotandcold' described and it's fairly comfortable, but very difficult to get the puffs in the right position and in the right amount to match my left side.

    Today I noticed that the new booblet (that's my platic surgeon's term!) is so much higher than my left side I don't know how she's ever going to get them to match. I mentioned that to my husband and he said she'd fix it. Eventually.

    It's always something, isn't it?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Suzybelle
    Suzybelle Member Posts: 920
    edited April 2010

    Ha!  I am loving the "It's very complicated and I don't discuss it in public." I will definitely have to try that one.  Thank you!

     Thanks, ladies.  I am much better today - took a couple of vacation days and worked in my yard all day digging and planting flowers and playing with my dog and now I'm ready to face the morons again.

     Seriously - thank you all for your replies.  It's amazing how much it helps to know (even though they are strangers on a website!) there are women out there dealing with the same stuff that I'm dealing with.

     God bless -
    Suzanne

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories