Emotional rollercoaster out of nowhere

I feel the same. I hate pink, do not consider myself a survivor, etc.. This is not to diminish the feelings of those who do. I just never have felt that way. It is indeed a strange and lonely ride and everyone is entitled to their feelings. It came out of nowhere, changed my life forever, and I have gone kicking and screaming all the way. So don't feel bad for the way you feel. For days and days I would wake up and think "it was just a bad dream". Cancer was on my mind all the time. My first anniversary just passed. Strangely I am feeling more free and just don't care---the cancer will do what it wants to do. No treatment is a guarantee. So I just go with the flow. Not sure if this helps and I am sure many will disagree. Again, we feel what we feel.

I get it.  It seems that the anniversaries provide us with both hope and stress.  We feel joy that we have made it to the anniversary, but, at the same time a part of us is concerned whether we will be healthy next year.  It is similar to the anxious moments that we have awaiting test results or when a newq pain emerges.  One of the first thoughts that we have is wondering if cancer has returned.  I too went to Relay for Live when I was doing chemo.  Friends from work had created a team in my honour.  I dragged myself there and found the experience very moving and uplifting.  Last year I went just before finishing my year of Herceptin, and it was moving, but also created a emotional tornado.  A little part of me kept returning to the "will I be here next year".

You need to do whatever is right for you.  It is a celebration of life, but, it also hammers home the another message about the fragility of life.  At this point I have registered for Relay for LIfe; a team in honour of a dear freind of mine who recently passed away from BC.  I am keeping my options open.  I may go for the entire event, just the Survivor Lap or perhaps nothing at all.  I will listen to my heart and do what is right for me that day. I'm not sure how I will feel about going without Kim to walk the lap with me and my DH as we had planned.  I do know that I'm not ready to make that decision right now which is why I have registered so that I can go if I choose.  Hope this makes sense to you.

I could have written your post myself. My 1 year out of treatment date was April 1st I thought when it passed I would feel better. I don't I really don't I am stressed I want to cry. I like you had a crazy time. I had a baby that I conceived after 2 miscarriages & being on fertility drugs. When she was 8 months old & I was bfeeding I found my lump it took 3 1/2 months to get a diagnosis. Then double mastectomy, 6 months chemo, then my grandson (my stepson's child who we have permenant custody of) well his mom decides ok she finished chemo now I want custody so she calls CAS (like children's sevices) tells them we are beating our kids. They come out & investigate for 6 months even though they felt there were no risks this protected us in case she would take it to court especially with my health so we get through that then ooph cervix uterus gone. Then bone spur from chemo waiting to see the ortho waiting list is until July 28th then who knows how long for surgery oh & I got to file bankruptcy thanks to cancer. My oldest child has adhd I am so frustrated with her. My other 2 feel the tension & are really pushing my buttons every chance they get. My littlest well for Easter we took away her susu (soother) so she is miserable & the kids got a puppy for Easter who likes to pee & not always outside. God help me and you........ I feel your pain. HUGS 

Hi fighting4mykids

You are normal!! I don't post often but I could see myself in you.

Read my posts...I need my life back....about the same time as you after chemo etc was finished.

Now I'm waiting for my 3 year mark. Time gets better.

Now I enjoy every day good or bad....cancer comes into my brain...........I push it back down.

luv aly

I couldn't do the "pink thing" either.  I also took the view that my cancer is history and that I had to go through "kick butt" treatment just to be sure.  So I have been out cycling etc.  I still don't get why we treat breast cancer so differently than other diseases.  I mean, if I had needed bypass surgery, would I have been labeled a "survivor"?

Our odds of making it through breast cancer are much higher than with heart disease. 

Having said this, I am participating in LiveStrong on June 20 here in Seattle.  Because I think we need to address cancer on all fronts.  And I was a trifle smug when I did a short version of the Chilly Hilly about 6 weeks ago while in the midst of Taxol.

Otherwise, my professional life just got re-energized big time, expanding in scope and in challenging new assignments.  Hopefully, $$$ to follow.  So meeting with a careeer coach on Friday although will still be dragging from last Taxol.

The thing everyone misses at the onset, and I have learned from my own business experience, is the need to create a positive vision of ourselves going forward.  Back in September, it was to see myself as equally vital in a year's time, with only short hair and a couple of scars to show for my ordeal.

I am now revamping, as way past the most challenging phase of treatment.  In fact, my Global Virtual Wine Party on the 24th was initially to celebrate the successful completion of chemo.  I am changing it to be a celebration of the commencement of the next chapter in my life. 

So about beginnings and excitement.......  And certainly not about "pink" or "cancerversaries".

I agree with many of you about the PINK issue.  As Pure said.....it is difficult to get on with your life and put cancer behind you if you surround yourself with it everyday.  You need to do what feels right to you. 

I have been approached by two local dragonboat teams (survivors all) who want me to join. They want my muscle, my energy, my time. I have decided not to join them because of the time committment and I do not want my life to be focused on CANCER. As ClaireinSeattle said, " I had cancer, I don't have cancer".  I had cancer and I don't want it to have me.  If I surround myself with survivors and people in treatment all of the time it will be more difficult to focus on the future and not the past.

I may still participate in the Relay for Life, but I know that Dragonboats (at least survivor teams) are not for me.

Dear Fighting....

Sometimes guys need help remembering.  And you need to tell them you need help.  I have had to straighten out Main Squeeze a few times.  So let him know that you are feeling _____ because your one year is coming up and that you would appreciate _________.  I would throw in something special that is not expensive that I could ask for.  This would include flowers and perhaps dinner.

Even if he has "moved on", I am sure he will be there if you say you need support.  But he may not be there if you don't help him remember.  So TELL HIM.  Good luck.

About guys - my husband always wants to fix things and move on. I had to sit him down and tell him it was okay that he couldn't make this go away and that I needed someone who would just listen and be there. Whenever I need to vent I tell him that I've got something that can't be fixed but may I please talk about it? He has become a super listener and this has spilled over into all sorts of areas of our life together.

Anna....you are so right....I was going to say "hit the nail on the head"...men....they want to fix things....you just put such clarity to why my hubby has struggled with this moving on...I like your comment to yours....I am going to try to remember it...or even better, so it to mine....Thanks.,