Needing to Vent!!!

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kelgrover
kelgrover Member Posts: 12
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I was diagnosed with BC in September, and up until now, I have handled everything like it was no big deal.  I didn't even cry about having both breasts removed.  But I'm tired...and sick of feeling like crap.  I'm tired of being strong so that my friends and family don't worry.  I'm tired of doctors who do not have answers.  I'm tired of tests.  I'm tired of being ugly, bald and scarred.  I'm annoyed that my husband won't touch me.  I'm tired of the routine of chemo...of missing work...of medications that don't help anymore...of feeling like every ache is cancer coming back.  SO I'm venting to strangers.  No one else knows how to handle me right now.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and just sort of want to stay in bed and cry.  Anyone else ever feel like this?????

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  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited April 2010

    YES!!!!!!! Grrrrr!

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  • Lowrider54
    Lowrider54 Member Posts: 2,721
    edited April 2010

    Absolutely!  ARRRRGGGHHHHH!

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  • cathmg
    cathmg Member Posts: 278
    edited April 2010

    Yessss!! Thanks for your honesty-bc is not a pretty pink challenge where everyone wins the fight. I was diagnosed 7/08 and went through chemo ending 10/08. It was a horror show-so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my life was/is being threatened. I had insomnia/clinical depression/anxiety and my doctors acted like there was something surprising about that. I finally made the call to a psychiatrist and found an antidepressant that helped. I would be surprised at anyone who didn't have a post traumatic stress reaction to the diagnosis and treatment. I still worry and feel every little ache and pain, and I'm really pissed that this happened to me and is happening to others more and more frequently and at younger ages. F cancer!

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  • SeanE
    SeanE Member Posts: 107
    edited April 2010

    Just curious, sig says you were diagnosed 9/30, your chemo and surgery are all done?  Did you have radiation as well?  My wife was dx 9/09, just finished chemo, and will have surger at end of April, then start radiation at end of May.

    My wife has experienced these "downswings" several times as well - only natural, as cancer is something you can't get away from - a daily struggle.  You are to be admired for your courage in facing it so far.

    Sincerely,

    Sean E.

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  • kelgrover
    kelgrover Member Posts: 12
    edited April 2010

    Hi Sean!

    I had surgery right away (10/20), but didn't start my chemo until 11/27.  My last treatment should be on May 21st, but I will still have Herceptin until next February.  I did not have to have radiation because my lymph nodes were clean. I was so grateful for that!!!  I'm not sure why some doctors do the chemo before the surgery, and why some do it after, but I was glad to get it out of my body asap!!!

    It's nice to see a spouse on here.  I wish my husband would talk to others about this.  He just holds everything in and doesn't talk about it at all...even with me.  He has put himself into care giver mode...instead of husband mode.  So frustrating at times.  If you don't mind me asking...how old is your wife?

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited April 2010

    kel  ~ I think one of the things we're not told going into this is that treatment can be a long haul.  In fact, one of the best pieces of advice I've heard is something another BCO member's surgeon told her -- to figure that her treatment would take a year. 

    I was dx'd in 2/08, and for various reasons, my tx was kind of strung out.  I also chose to delay some aspects of reconstruction more than I probably had to, which made the process even longer.  I had many days and weeks where I felt like you do now, including after tx ended -- another thing no one warns you about. 

    But the good news is, it does end, and you will start to feel stronger (both physically and emotionally), and your hair will grow back (and you may actually remember fondly how nice it was not to have to fuss with it), and suddenly life will be relatively "normal" again -- at least to the point where bc isn't the overriding thing on your mind 24/7.  I'm not going to tell you it's easy, because it's  not.  But you will get through it, and you'll laugh again, and have days when bc is no longer the most prominent thing in your life.

    So, hang in there!  You can do this!  And I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel!   (((Hugs))) Deanna

    P.S.  If you don't know about the 5 posts per 24-hr. period for new members, you may run into this today.  You can continue to talk to anyone here by clicking on their i.d., which will take you to a page with a Private Message (PM) feature (like email), and there are no limits on that.

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  • sunnytn1949
    sunnytn1949 Member Posts: 28
    edited April 2010

    yes, it was and continues to be a struggle.  I was dx 8/25/08, had chemo first due to stage 111

    cancer, included lymph nodes on left side.  Had bilateral surgery, Feb 5, 2009.  Then shortly after, received 33 rounds of radiation.  I continued on a roller coaster until lately.  Had to have  intense outpatient therapy to manage the stress.  The stress was/is considered trauma.  I wasn't happy, stayed depressed, didn't like the support groups, etc.  I am now not only a survivor but also a thriver.  There are many things you can benefit by going to counceling.  I couldn't believe how helpful it was.  I would have told you that nothing could help. The depression was overwhelming!! I am still concerned about each ache and pain.  That never goes away.  If I am bothered that much with the ache, I go to the doctor.  Doctors understand why you are concerned..goodness, you are a cancer survivor!  If the doctor doesn't understand your concerns, change doctors! 

    I hope this helps a little bit.  I am on medication for depression and it is a great help.  

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  • SeanE
    SeanE Member Posts: 107
    edited April 2010

    Kel - 

    My wife turned 40 in May 2009.  We have 3 kids - daughter 16, sons 13 and 8.

     As to the reason chemo is given before rather than after, that is the standard protocol for Inflammatory Breast Cancer, which is what my wife has.  Also it is given first if the tumor(s) is/are too big to get good surgical "margins" at the time of the mastectomy.

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  • cookiegal
    cookiegal Member Posts: 3,296
    edited April 2010

    I too was diagnosed in September, I was in rough shape for a few weeks, and then once I started treatment emotionally I was in really good shape. Now I am hitting the wall emotionally. I'm not depressed every day, but some days are really tough.

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