Crying too much to hold still for radiation

Railli,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  Undergoing treatment can be very hard on one emotionally, though everyone's experience is unique. 

I personally found rads fairly easy, but I did go through a period of  frequent 'crying jags' about 2/3 of the way through it...I attributed it to the 'other stressors' in my life at the time (the very recent death of my mother, for one)  Later I learned from the woman I was seeing as a counselor at the cancer center  that depression and feeling emotional can be a common side effect from the radiation. I understand when you say 'therapy takes time', but  found talking to a therapist during this period extremely helpful.  It gave me a safe place to let all my emotions out with a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on, without feeling I was burdening friends or family. Crying and feeling emotional during treatment is normal and common, and my therapist confirmed this for me.  Somehow that made it easier to tolerate and accept.  I was also very lucky in that my rad onc was as interested in my emotional state as in what physical changes my breast was going through.  She never dismissed any of my concerns and I'm sorry your onc isn't offering that level of support.  Remember you can always come to us for support or to let your feelings out. 

One thing about radiation is that there is nothing else you can do at the same time - so you think - and sometimes that thinking makes a person sad enough to cry. There are lots of cruddy things just with having breast cancer and all of us have lives with complications at the same time.

The thing I would suggest, if at all possible, is to close your eyes once you are in place and think - but about something you like. It's a form of visualization. I sometimes thought about an excellent mountain view with a lake in front of it and sometimes put special people or activities in the scene. By the time you get the picture in your head and make it how you want it - the radiation is over. No doubt you have something different that you like that you'd want to visualize - but make it something you like or would like if you could only have it or do it. Another one for me was to "see" the travel van I'd like to have and how it would be set up. Sometimes the travel van was at the mountain scene.

If thoughts of disturbing things in my life entered my head (and I'm no Pollyanna, there have been other not so lovely things), I mentally erased that picture and brought in something much more pleasant. It can be helpful to plan ahead of time what sort of mental scene you'd like to paint while you are having radiation - because you are quite right, it is a good thing to stay still during radiation so the radiation is precise.

Hope that's a little bit useful til you get to counselling.

All above are great suggestions. I closed my eyes and pretended I was back being a camp counselor (which I did for 4 summers when I was young), and lying on the dock, and would think, "I wonder what we are doing for activities tonight?", "What songs shall we sing at the campfire?" etc. when the machine came over, I would pretend it was a cloud momentarily blocking out the sun. I didn't think of this until I was done, but I wonder if they'd let you bring music in with you, a CD player you could turn on and play music you like or would find soothing.??? Best of luck. Ruth

LORAZEPAM!  An antianxiety med would help you alot.  Ask your doctor or the rad onc.  Get a rx and start taking them NOW!  They helped me alot.  It just takes the edge off, doesn't make you loopy.  Best of luck, you will get through this!

XOXO

I agree, get a scrip for an anti-anxiety medication.  They work quickly and will help you get through this.  The antidepressant's take a while to kick in so you need something like xanax to get you thorugh until they do start to help.

I had a really hard time during treatment, and it didn't help that my mother (who I was taking care of, who also had cancer & dementia) died in the middle of rad... I cried a lot!  Fortunately every single person, from the receptionist to the rad. oncologist, was kind and empathic and supportive.  Helped a ton.  So did a therapist, an anti-depressant, and Ativan when anxiety grabbed hold.  Some antidepressants take a few weeks to work, but Ativan works really fast, so it was a good boost when I needed it.

You've gotten a lot of really good suggestions. The only thing I'd add is if you can, to find a safe place and time of day and just let your emotions go... cry, pound on pillows, scream, whatever will help you.  Sometimes we hold that stuff back enough that when we finally let go, it's really cathartic and helps "clear" things out for a few days.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself.

Best of luck and a warm hug.

Marg ~ As difficult as it is to believe it now, your life will be fine after you're finished with your treatment.  It sounds like you are very recently dx'd, and, yes, it's a long haul -- maybe as much as a year or more, depending on the tx you need.  But it does end, and your scars lessen and your hair grows back (if you've had chemo), and rads come to an end, if you have to have those, and eventually you're living your life again.  Breast cancer does change you, but from someone who's been through it in the past 2 years, as hard as it is to understand now, there can be hidden blessings in this journey, like learning to put yourself first, and realizing how much people really love you. I'm so sorry you're going through this; I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  But trust me -- you are much stronger than you realize, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.    Deanna