first chemo done

Oh Girls...I am not alone!  Thank you for saying so many of the things I have been thinking!  I know exactly what you're saying about being busy with the business of cancer treatment. During treatment, I knew I was being healed...then when it ended, it really hit me that this stuff could come back. So, I take the zometa and the femara and the calcium, 1260 mg, and Vit D, 1000 mg, which now I'm concerned is not enough, and hate feeling like an old woman when I can't open a bottle of water or skip down the street (have always loved to skip!).  But, Ibuprophen does work...so I just take ONE MORE PILL!!!  Yuck! 

Janet, I still stop during the day and sort of ask myself if I really just went through fighting cancer...it's surreal...I see my curly, WHITE hair, the port in my chest, my regenerating eyelashes and fingernails, and still have to convince myself that my life is changed.  How can it be that I never remembered to take a vitamin each day but I haven't missed a single femara in 3 months?  I smiled when I read that you pretended to feel well for your family during treatment.  I was bothered that my grown children never helped clean my house or cook for us during my treatment...only to realize that they were so impressed that I didn't need help during treatment because I handled it so well    I guess this is why we survived and continue to thrive!  Your philosophy on life in the last year is one that many people could only wish to have.  I, for one, thank you for sharing it    

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, JILL!  I truly hope you had a wonderful celebration of LIFE..and you ARE young!   Also am jealous of your port-free chest & hoping to hear that the hernia surgery went well!   I'm wondering if that had something to do with your back pain...so waiting for news of your MRI as well.  Really Jill, it's hard for me to fathom how you went through chemo while continuing to take care of a family, work in a high profile job, travel & who knows what else   I can understand your doctor's concern for you....but also wonder why she didn't share her concern for you during treatment.  Maybe she knew that this was the way you would get through the battle!  I'm excited for you to try yoga!  It will help with relaxation and stretching, where pilates is quite a bit more strenuous and would work on your core, which would help your back. I've done both for years and think that if you're just starting, yoga's the way to go. Men are flocking to yoga so you might take hubby with you.  It might seem boring at first, but if you challenge yourself, you'll get alot out of it.  I've been with some instructors who literally made me cry...not because it hurt but because I was so relaxed that all the tension drained from my mind and body and it was totally cleansing!  Seriously, I'm starving to get back to it but my hands are just too weak at this point so I'm only swimming. 

Just an FYI...my MUGA was 67-69 and bone scan was great.  What a relief.  I will have my next blood test in May so will make sure they test for Vit D.  Have to get my BRCA done so may also ask about the CA15-3.  Thank God for our insurance, which I hope doesn't change! 

Good night...thinking of you all...wondering when little Ava is coming  

 Jill, I have to laugh when you said you and Kristi were at Starbuck's for coffee   A friend, diagnosed 5 months before me, and I met at Starbuck's twice...the first time for 7 hours, the next time for 5 hours.  We literally had no idea time had passed until we left and I said it looked like there was going to be a storm...nope, it was just 7:00 p.m. & the sun was going down. Surprised they didn't kick us out  

Anyway...

Hello Ladies !

I just happened to get on line this morning to see what was going on, and what a pleasant surprise to see you all here.   Then, I got to thinking, I guess it is not too surprising that as we all went through treatment together that we are all are dealing with the post treatment "effects" all together.   It is nice to see we are not alone.

That said, I have been a bit delinquent in keeping you up with all the post treatment adventures on my side.  While I am "officially" port free (yippeee!), even that was not easy.  Recall I went in for the port removal and fixing the hernia at the same time.   Everything was fine until after the surgery when they gave me a pain killer (dilautin).  I don't recall ever having the drug before, and let's just say I did not react so well to it.   It was almost like being comatose.  They couldn't wake me up long enough to send me home.  So.... I ended up being admitted over night.   I woke up in the middle of the night in this haze, covered in sweat and all I could think was.. "Damn, made it through a lumpectomy,  chemo, radiation, a year of herceptin and what lands me in the hospital is a reaction to a pain killer".    It just figured.  Kind of like cancer had to get in one last dig. 

Oh well.. they let me out the next morning when I could actually stay awake.  I am a little sore from the hernia, but otherwise doing well. 

Indeed my back is feeling a bit better since the port was removed.  I think it was causing me to hold my shoulders differently or something.  But, the MRI did show some protruding discs in my neck as well as a transitional segment in my lower back (which I already knew I had).   So, starting some PT for the neck.  That darn MRI took NINETY minutes - longer than the surgery which was later that day.   I had had my fill of the hospital by the time I left.  Not planning to go back any time soon.

As for my oncologist not talking to me about my "attitude" during treatment - well... in all honesty, she did.  She has been amazingly consistent, and I have been amazingly resistant.  So, really, I have no one but myself to blame for any post treatment depression of sorts.  

In regard to Kristi's philosophical post - we have talked this on several occasions.  In fact, I am going to see Kristi later this month when I make a trip to the west coast for business.  Managed a little detour to San Diego before coming back.    

It is hard not to think once in a while about it coming back.  Usually I think about it when the house is quiet, late at night.   It is then I am grateful for the distractions of every day life that keeps me otherwise occupied.  But, it is inevitable that we think about it.   I think the trick is not letting it rule us - and declaring it won't.   I have seen some women get almost obsessive about it.   There is no value judgment there as they have good reasons.  But, I also find it almost become a self fulfilling prophecy in those cases.  I am a strong believer in living life out of declaration - and you can have both positive and negative declarations to live by.    So, I choose to focus on the positive things I want to achieve - and believe me.. cancer has no place in that arena what so ever.   Might not work for everyone, but I find that gets me past those late night conversations with myself.  

Anyway, glad to hear from you all.  Ronnie - You sound like you are doing fabulous.  I look forward to hearing more of your adventures.  

Janet - Also great to hear from you.  It sounds like we have similar attitudes and approaches to things.  I hope your trip to Florida went well.  

Kristi - I will see you later.

Jill

P.S. Still waiting for the hernia to heal a bit before trying all those "mellowing out" things people have suggested. 

Just checking in and wanted to wish you all a very Happy Easter.  Looking forward to a day with the family which I appreciate even more these days...Mom is doing great. Finished her last her last herceptin two weeks ago and is set for the PET scan.  When she gets the go ahead from that, she will be able to have her port out, which she is really looking forward to. Though she never lets on, I know that she must be struggling with the same "what ifs" as many of you ladies are...but, she has a great attitude and is looking forward to the next chapter in her life. 

RonnieKay, thank you for wondering about my Ava...she is due next month!  We are very excited to meet our new little lady.  Will keep you posted as soon as she decides to join the outside world.

Until next time....be well and be happy.  Thinking of you all.    Shannon 

Happy Easter, Ladies !

I hope it is as beautiful where you are as it is here today. 

Belinda - Wow.  That is quite an adventure you have been on.   I had wondered why we hadn't heard from you in a long while.  Now we know.   I am very sorry you had to go through this again.  But, I am amazed at your resiliency and spirit.  What a pisser to find another lump when you were coming out of it the first time around.  Can't blame you for being angry - especially as I am sure you were told you did "everything" right.   Thank goodness you were doing the self exams and found it.   You are exhibit A as to why scans don't necessarily tell the whole story.  If you had done a scan three months earlier and not done the self exam... well... don't want to think about that.

When you say you are genetically predisposed, did you find out you were BRCA positive?   If so, I am wondering did they not test you for that the first time around?   Not trying to blame anyone.  Just curious more than anything.   I am finding they are somewhat inconsistent when testing for that, and given the situation with your Mom, I would think you would have been a prime testing target up front. 

Anyway.. You come back any time to share those emotions.   I think we are all rooting for you here. 

Shannon - I get a little smile on my face every time you post.  I love thinking about your Mom's spirit and determination - all the while thinking about your new little bundle on the way.  If you think about it, it is rare on this board that we get to celebrate anything other than kicking cancer's butt (which, admittedly is a BIG one).  But, you remind us of a life beyond cancer and what else is important.   It is almost like little Ava has all these little God mothers anxiously awaiting her arrival.   I can hardly wait for her to make her appearance.   

Janet - Love the attitude and the group!   I did join a support group during treatment and interestingly, although I don't go any more, we still connect now - usually once a month in what is called "Grads group".  Afterwards we go to lunch or plan some other activity.  I have to admit, it is one of the joys of my life to see us all progressing, but all the while knowing we are there for each other.   There is something to be said for connection of purpose, isn't there?

I better get going on Easter stuff.  My daughter is already bugging me for egg salad. 

Jill

Good Saturday Morning...darned 7:00 p.m. naps make going to bed at a decent time really difficult   Just checking in to say I'm thinking about all of you & praying that you are doing well. When I read your posts again, I get so ticked that even after surgery, radiation, chemo and everything else we've gone through, this disease can still kick us around!  But I am also amazed and proud of how resilient our spirits are and wish to believe we will all be healed!!

According to my count, I'm down to 4 herceptins....woohoo!  I can truthfully say that I think femara is evil and I'm a bit worried that now that I have embraced my curly, silver hair (after 2 haircuts), I'm afraid that it may some day turn straight again & I won't know what to do with it!  Oh, the mundane issues that used to seem so important!!

Shannon, I'm thinking Ava has arrived and that your family is experiencing incredible joy with those two little darlings~especially happy their Grandma is getting to be a big part of the happiness!

Blessings to all!

By the way Mrs. RonnieKay.....beautiful new picture

Hello. 

I got word today from a co-worker that a colleague had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  So, she came to me to get some information given my experience.  She asked me if "I had ever written this stuff down", when I remembered this thread and one post in particular.  As I searched for that particular post, I scanned through all of the thread.   Hmmm... Guess we all wrote it down, didn't we?

As I scanned through the posts what struck me is how we supported each other - the ups, the downs, the small victories.  Eventually all we moved on and went off to live our lives - changed forever.  But, I realized today two things.  First, I never really did say a proper "thank you" to the ladies on this thread who put up with my philosphizing, random thoughts and otherwise mundane ramblings.   After reading much of the thread, I realized that I owe much of my "successful treatment" to you.   I now cannot imagine going through that without you.  I still see many of you on facebook and e-mail.  Interesting how a bond of common experience can outlast other things.

The second thing I realized is how much of ourselves we left here.  The journey is documented in all its glory (or lack thereof) on this thread.   It reads like a novel (and honestly, I have read some shorter novels!).   But, for better or worse, here it is - a part of our history that most of us want to forget but never will.  

So... here's to you ladies.  At last, a delinquent "thank you" from a grateful survivor.  

 Jill