Depression 1 month after mastectomy

You all are all so nice I don't feel like I deserve it. I know some many of you are going through so much I feel awful for even posting my feelings. Thank you so much for such kindness. I so wish no one had to have this awful disease. It does make me feel better I haven't lost my mind. Thank you again.

We got up early went to church and thought we would eat breakfast out. But a quick change, my brother is visiting and staying with my parents. So we knew we had to make sure he got to where he needed to be on time.  Got him there but now it is just down hill! This is a roller coaster!!!  It is too  much for me to get everyone together to spend time - I just do not have the strength to do it! I used to be able to get it all organized but right now I am just can't!! I hope this is a passing phase because it is not like me.  I passed on going to breakfast and just came home crawled in bed because it is too much!!

UGH I hate this feeling!!

Olivia 

And Olivia, remember,too - you just had MAJOR surgery....your body is still recovering.  All of that takes a toll on your physically, even if you don't consider all the emotionaly aspect of it all.  And Tammy is SO right - you would be telling one of us to take it easy, not be so hard on ourselves, etc - do the same to yourself

And Greysean - welcome    As Tammy and Olivia have said, we have all been in your shoes ,,,all of us within the past couple of months.  I, too, had rough days - I still cry every once in a while, but not like I did.  I didn't have reconstruction (had a BMX), and sometimes when I look in the mirror, I can't help but stare at my poor chest.  Othertimes (when I'm dressed), I totally forget about it now. 

It felt horrible being in an oncologist's office.  I've been there 3x now.  The 1st time was awful.  Like Tammy, I cried.  I'm under no further treatment, although my oncologist recommended I go through the survivors' program.  It's still with the cancer group, but with a different oncologist, and it's more preventative.  My oncologist is with her patients undergoing active treatment.  The new oncologist I will see will make sure I get yearly screenings and such.  I feel MUCH better about this.  Kind of feels like a security blanket....my net or something.  At least I'm not being turned out to the wild dogs, you know?

Anyway, spill your guts...I know I did.  I was on a thread (on here) for those of us who had mastectomies in January, and that was really good because we were all going through so many of the same feelings -both physically and emotionally- at the same time.  I don't know if your surgery was the end of Feb. or first of March, but you might also search under the surgery forum and look for the mastectomy group under Feb. 2010 or March 2010 (depending upon when you had your surgery)......They will be another great source of support. 

Since Tammy, Olivia, Jennifer, and I are all at different stages - we all are here to stand by you, help you, listen to you, and do whatever we can as well....we've been brought together by this horrible disease, whether we like it or not, so we might as well make it the best we can

blessings....robin

Robin,

  I never thought about any survivor's group because I know I wouldn't feel comfortable if so many had to go through so much worse. Also I guess I'm not very good about speaking in a group. I have a child with special needs and I tried a special needs parent group and it just made me feel worse even though it was an opposite situation as their kids were doing so much better and I felt like anytime I said anything it made them all feel bad for me. I know this probably doesn't make sense. I think this site with the different forums are wonderful as it isn't as hard to say something.

 It is nice to know my emotions are not crazy or out of line. I thank all of you and I will read some of the posts from the Jan. and Feb. posts as they will be further along, that is a great idea. Thank you. 

Greysean, I guess I didn't explain the survivor's thing very well...it's not a support group.  It's actually another oncologist, within the same cancer group.  I will be seen annually for blood work, check ups, etc.  Preventative for cancer(s).  It's my security blanket, my safety net. Since my oncologist doesn't need to see me for any reason, whatsoever - that leaves me with a very shakey feeling, you know?  I know that my BC was "just" DCIS....and that because it was caught early, before it was invasive, there was no chance of it going mets, BUT, because so much cancer runs rampant (sp?) in my family, the oncologist thought this would be good for me.

So, I will actually see an oncologist (within the same group)....I'm not exactly what all it involves, as my 1st appt isn't for another week or so.  But I know I will be monitored carefully.  And that gives me a real comfort.

I DO understand the support group thing.  I have hesitated to go to one, because I know I would be one of the "better" ones....however, I did go to a BC survivor fashion show a couple of weeks ago, and it was kind of neat....I almost felt PROUD to be able to say I was a breast cancer survivor.

I met a gal from my city on the January mastectomy group...we went to the fashion show together and we are going to a BC survivor's retreat together in June.  I may not have been through chemo or radiation, but I did lose both of my breasts to cancer.  My emotions have been toyed with, messed with, messed over.  My body has been mutilated, marred, scarred.  I need to be able to meet with other women who have been through less, who have been through the same, who have been through more.....I think I'm ready for that. 

Each day, I'm a little stronger.  YOU will get there, too......Remember, give yourself a break.  It's only been a matter of a few weeks for you.  My BMX was Jan., 6.....which now seems like a lifetime ago....ha!

blessings..robin

Olivia....I'm so proud of you, and that wonderful husband of yours!!!  He really "gets" you.....what a jewel of a man and husband (sounds like my husband!!)  And of course your emotions are on edge and are raw....duh!  You're going through new and more stuff AGAIN....bless your heart.

The emotional roller coaster is the WORST.....but it's better for me now.  I really think it is....except for that prosthetics thing I wrote to Tammy about....other than that, I'm doing so much better.  Of course, I realize it's different for all of us - but time is a great healer, but when there are setbacks, that starts the roller coaster ride all over again

Be kind to yourself....allow yourself to grieve and continue to do so.  If you journal and write, put all of this into writing.  I know that helped me a lot.  If you don't believe me, check out my notes on my FB and you can see all the writing I did and how I spilled my guts. 

IN the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers....blessings,,,robin

Well guess what some of the side effects of the mega Vitamin D are.... loss of appetite, mood swings, increased thirst, headaches, muscle pain -- oh and guess who has all these??? Yep you guessed it me!! I just can not get a break.  I have been on the verge of tears all day... could not figure it out until I got home and my husband (AKA Kevin) said, let's read the side effects.  Oh my goodness, I have lots of them.  I will call the oncologist tomorrow because I can not do this for eight weeks.  

Had an argument with my niece, first one ever!  Fortunately, my boss came in my office around 4 and asked how I was doing. I told her it was a bad day. She said well she could not tell it from my work I turned in. I thought that was nice.  We talked for a few minutes and we laughed about a few things she had to do with her fight with colon cancer.  I told her, she lifted my spirits and thanked her! She said, no one has ever told her that before and I think she had tears in her eyes.

Just so you all know I hate this journey!!!

Olivia 

Ah, Olivia....bless your heart.  Those are MEGA doses of vitamin D.  It's amazing they're not making you feel sick!  But what awful side effects...TERRIBLE side effects!!!  And you're right  - both of you are right.  It's a nasty, yucky, horrible, rotten, awful, no-good-for-nothing journey....BUT, you'll make it.  You've won once.  You've won the war before.  You'll win again!!  You have a wonderful husband and too much to live for   

I'm glad you have an understanding boss.....one of my principals didn't even acknowledge when I had returned to school.  The other two, though, did give me hugs.  But it sounds as if you have a keeper there

And a keeper of a honey...let him hug you extra for you...and have him give you a hug for me, too...

blessings...robin

oh yeah and I am nauseous  -- what a roller coaster - you think it will start on the uphill soon this cork screw part of the roller coaster is crazy -- just my visual for tonight

Olivia 

Greysean,

Yes the oncologist called me last week, Thursday evening and put me on it immediately.  

I understand how weird it feels when people know you have breast cancer - it feels like they are staring at your chest. It was a bit uncomfortable at first but now it seems to be better.  I think people mean well but really they do not know what to say. I was probably in that group too before BC.

Hope that helps

Olivia 

LadyOD -

That is funny, that you were looking and wanting their PS numbers.  I asked my PS after surgery why did you make the fake one look so good?? He laughed so hard, even the nurse was laughing - I guess they did not know I was serious.  

I called the oncologist today. I had an appt this afternoon and I have two medications for the nausea and moodiness. I told her I felt like one minute I could bite someone's head off and the next I could cry.  She said, yep that's the heavy does of Vitamin D. I have to keep you on it so we will try to manage the side effects.  I have lost five pounds in three days.  So I hope it will help.  I will let you all know at 3:00 a.m. if I am awake!! Let's hope not!

My boss was very understanding again today. We must be getting ready for a big change or shake up because she is not usually nice two days in a row.  

I can tell tonight is a better night already, the Dr was very validating and told me to give myself a break, I have a lot going on. She was really kind.  

It could have been I caught her a bit off guard last time (our first appt). When we met, she asked if I knew anything about her, so I showed her the information my surgeon provided to me. She asked if I read it and I said, yes. I told her my surgeon told me I would really like you. She said, wow I have a reputation to hold up.  After we spoke for a couple of hours and I was leaving, she asked, well did I pass?? I looked at her and said, I do not know how some people get all the luck, not only are you intelligent, funny and compassionate but beautiful too !! She had a huge smile on her face and I said, just stop, and a gorgeous smile!!! I think at that moment she decided I was her patient and I am glad.  She told me to call her anytime and I think she actually meant it.