no one to talk to...

Jan I could have written your post. I'm going through a little scar right now and all my husband can say to me is"if it isn't one thing its another" or "you really need to move on from this" ya..thanks so since I can't talk to him I had to wait to talk to a doc in the ER. Its sad huh? My husband is great with evrything else.but mention cancer? He will shut m down and fast. He actually forbid me to go on the puter! He tells me to stay of this site ,and it is holding m back. Well what else am I suppose to do whn I need support and he doesn't give it? Moron. Lol...littl secret he dosnt know that I purchased. Blackberry and can go on line with my phone! If he was to walk into the room and find outan hed freak

I find that different people in my life are good for different things. My husband of 17 1/2 years has been there for things he wished he didn't have to be there for, such as childbirth, because I needed him there. He did what needed to be done when I was diagnosed with breast cancer: accompanied me to the appointments with the oncologist(s), listened to me as I debated surgery selections, etc. But at this point he is NOT useful for ruminating over possible recurrence, etc. He's never been the person I would turn to for that sort of thing, even though he's the person I'm closest to in life. He's a man, and men want to fix things. They get totally freaked out when their wives get a scary disease that might kill them, so they are in a hurry to assume that everything's "done" and fine. They want to not worry about it any more. In my case, I can respect that. He's just never been good at discussing things where I start with worries or "what if" kinds of things, and he's just not good with scary health-related things. I have female friends that I do that kind of ruminating with - they are just the opposite of men, to the point where they can perhaps be so reassuring that it's not even realistic. And I've found that the best place to discuss things regarding cancer is this site. I just don't have people in my circle of live friends and family members who have a clue about this stuff, or the information to even discuss it. They either don't get it or I represent their worst nightmare. And to some extent, to my husband I would be his worst nightmare if the cancer came back. Still, if I needed to go to a doctor to discuss a concern and wanted him there, he would definitely come. If the cancer returns and we have to deal with it, he'll help me do that. If I choose to share with him some of the constellation of fun changes Tamoxifen has brought to my life, he does listen, but I don't do that very often, because it's not helpful and sort of makes me feel worse. Subconsciously, we're both scared and we know we're both scared - we just don't talk about it.

To tell you the truth, I try to avoid spending time worrying, because it doesn't do me any good. I am doing what my doctor thinks I should do to keep it from coming back. If the cancer did come back, I wouldn't want to have spent my remaining time fretting about it. If something lasts a couple of weeks and doesn't seem to be a documented side effect of Tamoxifen or radiation damage or whatever, I do some reading and try to figure out what's going on, and then I write up some questions and talk to my doctor...

I think counselling might be a good idea, because you are so angry with his inability to support you in this way. Was he there for you before in this way, and now he's not? You have been through SOOOO much physically and you still have more coming up to deal with. It would be good to find some sort of support.  Husbands suffer through this in their own ways, too, even though they're not the ones experiencing the cancer. Some people just can't process any more worrying. It would be good to get this out in the open and find out if he really is "disdainful" or if he's just really scared...

Coleen