Bad Mamma

SpunkyGirl · March 2010

Girls,The stress levels have been super high lately. Dave and I were at the NIH on Friday, and he found out that he had another spot on his MRI. On Saturday, my boys were at a friend's house all day while I had a meeting at my church. We then had two hours together until we had to be back at church to babysit (I do it every six-seven months as part of a babysitting co-op). I could see as the evening went on that my nine year old was "done". First, we were outside playing dodgeball and he was called out. He's still at the age where they are very sensitive about "losing". Then, when we went back inside, he got made at a seven year old (who was much smaller) because the boy let everyone know where my son was hiding. I grabbed him as he was trying to go after the other boy, and was trying to get him to calm down and sit down. He was out of control. I pushed him into a seat twice, then ended up smacking him in the face (I am not proud of that) because he was trying to hit me and pick up his chair. He ended up calming down, and we finished the evening and went to church the next morning. On Monday, I got a call from my cell that my pastor was stopping by at 1:00. I assumed he was coming to see Dave because of the news we got on Friday. I had run out earlier, and when I walked in the door at 1:15, he, the assoc. pastor and also the Christian Ed Director, were all waiting for me. He proceeded to tell me that they wanted to talk to me about Saturday night, and that he had to call Children and Youth because of the incident. I can understand why he did it, but not that they showed up and brought my sick husband into this. They also gave me a flyer on a parenting class that they thought I could use. That made me mad. This could have been prevented had I just told the other babysitters that I needed to take my son home, and no class in the world prepares you to deal with this kind of stress all the time.

I love my sons dearly. My nine year old is in counselling both at school and with a private therapist. I know we have a lot to work on. Just today, I gave him a big hug, and I promised him that I would never slap him again. I also made him promise me that whenever I told him to do something, no matter how upset he was, he would do it. He's a good boy. I'm a good mom. We are all hurting. I don't know if I feel the same about going back to this church, even though I contributed to what happened.......

SpunkyGirl · March 2010

P.S. My child is almost my height and outweighs me already, so when he is out of control, it's a tough situation, and I'm the only parent capable of handling it. Guess I didn't do so well in this case....

janincanada · March 2010

First of all, Breathe! You are doing incredibly. You have so much to deal with and from what I've read in your posts most of the time you deal with it well. You are a good mom, and you are human. The stress that you are under is immense. I know that you wish you had broken down in another way that did not involve your son, especially in a church setting. Give yourself time to calm down before you make a decision regarding your church.....then go with your gut. Do what is right for you and your family.

You are so right.....there is no class that prepares us for this journey and dealing with the stress that it involves.

thinking of you

JacquelineG · March 2010

Oh I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of the stress you and your husband are going through!

If your church was aware of what was going on with your husband, how insensitive to pick this time to come talk to you about this! They should know the levels of stress are very high!

Please don't feel badly -- I am against spanking my kids and have lost control a few times and slapped them -- i've felt horrible about it. But I know it was moments of weakness and NOT the norm, and I always reflect and resolve not to do it again. I know I'm a good mom and I know you are too! Don't beat yourself up about it. And no matter what they tell you, you know better than anyone how much you love those boys and they know it too. I would be upset with the church if I were in your shoes. Like janincananada says, think about it and go with your gut!

We support you!!! So sorry you have to go through this!

Jackie

jenn3 · March 2010

WHAT.......I can't believe that your pastor of all people called you out on this in the way that he did. First and foremost, when someone is under the stress that you're under we say or do things that we don't mean. It happens........ Your pastor should have called and asked what could they help you with to alleviate stress, not suggest you need parenting classes. And, in all honesty, I would look for a pastor that would be more understanding not judgemental. I agree, there is NO "class" that can prepare you or anyone for what you're going through. (((HUGS)))

You are not a bad parent because you slapped your son. I don't believe in hitting either, but I have to admit there have been times that both of my girls have pushed me to the point that they got slapped and I felt terrible, aplogized, etc. It happens, you are human, mistakes are made. I will say from experience (my girls are now 18 & 26), what you remember and what they remember years later are two different things. And.......more than likely your son won't remember the incident or if he does he won't remember it in the way that you will. Forgive yourself and know that what you did does not make you a bad Mom, it means your normal. (((HUGS))))

Anonymous · March 2010

You and your son have probably learned more from this experience about yourselves and the situation. I have 5 adult children. My youngest is 22. I've always been considered a good parent and my kids always tell me that I was the best while they were growing up. As a mother, we always feel so guilty about everything, and there were times when my oldest son and daughter brought me to my limit and I clearly remember an occasion with each of them similar to what you described, and feeling very badly about it. On those occasions when a quick slap in the face, one time when my daughter mouthed off to me in an unsuspected disresepctful way, and one time with my son in the same type of situation. Right after that slap, I can't tell you the overwhelming "I'm a bad parent" feeling plaqued me. But we all learned from it. I learned I would never allow myself to be that frustrated with their behavior again, and they learned their behavior of the time was so disrespectful it caused mom to react so swiftly. And I tell you, it never once happened again with each of them. I'm so glad there was not self-righteous pastor around to complicate the whole thing.. I'm sure you don't need parenting class. You need a more comasionate pastor. Don't judge yourself too harshly and don't let him either.

Barb

SpunkyGirl · March 2010

Thanks for your responses. Those are all good points. I guess I have a lot to think about. Mostly, I just want what we all want-for my boys to grow up to be kind, generous and respectful. Hopefully, we'll all figure out how to achieve that.....

Pure · March 2010

I am so sorry your pastor did that-he should have approached you alone.

As far the slapping-we all loose it as parents. I know Ihave and felt terrible about it....Your doing the best you can under very hard circumstances the dances. I am so sorry he did that to you...

mmm5 · March 2010

Sgirl

Stress breeds stress! I have 3 boys 6,9, 12 and when I am under stress and tense it trickles down to them and they act out as well. I have yelled at the top of my lungs (very often) and slapped them on occassion when they have pushed me too far. Once was recently at the Y after a bball game and my 6 year old was a beast. I led him out by his ear and a grandfatherly man approached me and told me to take it easy. I got in the car and called my best friend and we laughed about it..(the grandfather, not the slap) ...which really eased the tension. You know what raising kids is tough on a good day, but throw in cancer, blah, blah, blah and all the other blah that comes with cancer and it can really go out the window. I am sure your boys are very warm and loving on the inside as that is what you exude on these boards and you come across as honest and fun, this was just a bad day and your pastor handled it horribly!

If it is eating at you, call him up and use your winsome honesty with him and tell him it hurt you, then based on his response you can decide on your next step. Go easy on yourself, seriously slapping your child on a bad day after out of control behavior is not the worst thing if it was all of us here would be in trouble.

Good Luck

apple · March 2010

seriously..? your church pastor and aides should have come to ask what they could do to help.. I could so say some negative things here..

you are certainly not out of line losing your temper.. a slap is not abuse..'

ooooh that would make me mad. they just might not be the sort of church you need at this time. i'd certainly have to allow myself some cool off time.

Diana63 · March 2010

I agree with Apple.

Bugs · March 2010

Oh Bobbie, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. Apple is right...you should have been approached with the offer of help. {{hugs}}

karen1956 · March 2010

Spunky...I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this....you are doing an amazing job given all that is on your plate....people should be reaching out to you to offer help, not criticism or referrals to human services (and this is said from a mandated reporter)....I hope thinks settle down a bit for you and the boys...you sure deserve and need it.

KerryMac · March 2010

To tell youb the truth, I am speechless. I can't believe they, of all people, wouldn't show a bit more compassion. I agree with apple too - spending time a "class" sure isn't going to help any. If anything, they should see this as a sign that you are stressed, and offer more support. I am horrified they would report you, especially given they know about your circumstances. I can't see how they would think this is helping you any. Apart from the class, did they offer any other help for you??

I am against spanking too, but I think we all have done it on occasion. Whenever I lose it on my kids I feel guilty, but that certainly doesn't make me a bad mother. And you are certainly not one either.

I would seriously consider how "supportive" they are all being - I would have a chat to the pastor actually.

Good luck, and please don't feel badly for what you did.

AnacortesGirl · March 2010

What strikes me about reading this is that you did the most important thing which is deal with the relationship between you and your son. You talked to him about it, acknowledge the mistake but didn't back off on the need for him to respect you and what you are asking him to do. I really applaud you for that.

There seems to be a real lack of understanding by the pastor. But I sure recognized the frustration in your post. My lowest year, as a parent, was when I was transferred from Houston to Anacortes. The kids were 13 and 9. I was divorced so I had to handle the move, the new job, selling the old house, trying to buy a new house, getting the kids settled into a new school, new town, etc. The stress got to me that year - I felt so overwhelmed by it all. I also slapped my 13 year old son a couple of times because of the lack of respect. I also started yelling. This just wasn't me and how I had been a parent up to this point. But I felt like I was spiraling downward. Then I met my husband. Once I had someone to talk to and have someone who understood then the change was amazing. It was stress that had gotten to me and when that was alleviated I went back to being the parent that I had been.

I'm just not sure why the pastor, the associate pastor or someone in the church can't recognize that it's not your parenting skills. It's the stress in your life. And the same for your kids. You need compassion and not a class.

You are going through so much and you are handling it so well. It's clear that you are a loving mother and wife and that is what matters the most.

ananda8 · March 2010

SpunkyGirl,

I don't have children, but I don't think this incident is about your son or you although you may want to discuss the incident with your son's counselor. Children and Youth Services will probably want to discuss things since your pastor has called them in.

This appears to be more about your Church. It may have been tolerable for your pastor to come by himself to suggest parenting classes, but to have three people come to your home and lecture you seems over the top. To call in Children and Youth Services for a slap also seems extreme. They sound very judgmental and controlling.

I would suggest that you Google "Christian Family Support Groups Cancer" and see if there is a Christian group in your area where you can go for support. It appears you aren't getting much support from your Church.

SpunkyGirl · March 2010

Girls,

Thank you so much for all the support. It's been so helpful to me in putting it all into perspective. I think that although these folks from my church approached this the wrong way, they were concerned and well-intentioned. The pastor has two boys my kids ages, and I'm sure he and his wife were horrified. They couldn't imagine ever striking either child.

What I have made clear to them is that my kids need some time with a good male role model (or two) in the church. For that matter, so do any of the kids who are from broken homes or are dealing with issues like ours. So maybe a greater good for a lot more kids than just mine will come out of this. I'll have to let you know how that goes.

Remember Dori from "Finding Nemo"? I think of her line all the time: "Just keep swimming!"

Love

Bobbie

apple · March 2010

it's good that you are understanding.. i can see that that they had good intentions... just not very well thought out in light of your challenges.

good for you.

lamuso · March 2010

This makes me angry. At a time when you need the support of your church and pastor.... they dump additional stress on you. You are not a bad mom. I too remember and incident where I was pushed beyond my limit and reacted by slapping my teenage daughter. I felt bad, she felt bad and we both learned and moved on from it. Never happened again. Please don't question your parenting skills. I agree with mmm5. Talk to you pastor and tell him how this made you feel. Kinda like being kicked when you are already down. If he is not compasionate and understands where you are coming from... I would find a new church and never look back.

barbe1958 · March 2010

I only see a couple boo boos. I don't think you or your son should have "promised" to not repeat the situation. That is not reasonable. If he acts up again, he may need you to restrain him again. Promising is just leading up to breaking the promise.

The other thing I see is that you don't need a parenting class, maybe you need to step down from the babysitting class as you now feel that your son needs your undivided attention! Wink

Hold your head high when you walk back into that church, you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you didn't feel bad about the situation, then we'd be having a different conversation all around. If you don't go back then "they" have won and beat you down.

concernedsis · March 2010

Very sorry about your situation. Hope things improve soon.

Just to give you another perspective - many professionals that deal with children are what are called mandated child abuse reporters - it means if anything makes you even suspect physical abuse or neglect of a child you must call it in. As a pastor, he may fall under this category.

Sounds like your son and you both had a bad day and you know the slap wasnt your finest moment but it happens. Your kids are in counseling already and thats great - Youth and family can also offer preventive resources if you want them. If you try to keep in mind that they are looking out for your child as you are it may be easier to deal with it.

That being said, I would be personally outraged by the pastor who knows you to have done this - he clearly could not have been that concerned or he would never have waited days to call it in or contact you. He may have been pressured by others. He will likely not invite you back for babysitting under the circumstances.

I would consider a change in venue - it would annoy me every time I went into church and that would be a shame

Good luck and hang in there ! God is with you and your family at this difficult time - even if his representatives on earth werent so compassionate.

revkat · March 2010

Yes, clergy in most states are mandated reporters, which means if they are aware of a situation in which a reasonable person might suspect abuse they are legally required to report it.

It sounds like you are under tremendous stress and are doing the best you can. You are seeking support for your son and I hope for yourself as well. That said, if someone physically struck a child in a babysitting program run by my congregation (even if it was their own kid) I would take it very seriously. Child abuse often happens when people are under great stress. I think it was great that the pastor came to let you know of his concern and that he had made a report to child protective services rather than just letting the social worker contact you out of the blue.

In many congregations the pastor makes the final call on reporting suspected abuse -- so that the staff that saw the incident takes it to their supervisor and so on up to the pastor. That is probably why the staff members came to visit you as well. And that is probably why it took from Saturday night to Monday morning to contact you (given that Sunday happens in between Sat. and Mon. and is a very busy church day, it seems to me that they responding quite quickly to the incident.)

I do hope that the pastor has a better understanding of your needs now. The idea of getting some men to work with boys who need a little extra support and attention is a wonderful one. I am sure that you don't need a parenting class (no class is going to cover how to deal with all that you are going through right now!) but you do need support. Please take care of yourself.

apple · March 2010

one thing I've found, is after I blow up at one of my kids... they really tow the line. It takes a lot to set me off and boy, they are chagrined, loving and compliant after I explode.

hope that is the case

SpunkyGirl · March 2010

Yes, Apple, that has been the case so far Smile

. Let's hope it continues. Barb, you said some very interesting things that I need to think about. I guess it's been a learning experience. It makes me realize how much our life has sucked, and how much we've endured through. It's been seven years of so much crap that I guess I think we're doing pretty good, considering. My greatest interest is in raising my sons to be good men. I hope they turn out okay!

jenn3 · March 2010

Spunky - you are doing a great job, please don't let this incident "eat away" at you..........we have all done things we regret under stress. But lets face it ALL kids have pushed ALL parents to the breaking point and I don't think there is one parent out there that can say they haven't done something they regret at sometime when raising their children when they've been pushed to that point, whether it be a slap, yelling, throwing something, slamming something or just plain ignoring a bad situation. It happens, it by all means - does NOT mean abuse or bad parenting it means we're normal.

(((HUGS)))

Sydney6 · March 2010

SpunkyGirl - I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this. Most of us have been there in terms of losing it with our kids. It doesn't make you a bad parent or a bad person. How ironic that clergy are entrusted to be mandated reporters when history has shone many of them have been far more abusive to children than a slap.

ananda8 · March 2010

As of 2008 only 26 states have statutes requiring mandatory reporting of child abuse by clergy. Any abuse confessed to the clergy need not be reported. Here is a list of state statutes.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/index.cfm?event=stateStatutes.processSearch

AnacortesGirl · March 2010

I like the idea of having some good role models for the boys. That was exactly what I felt my son needed. His dad sure wasn't. And a good role model will also emphasize how important it is for your boys to respect their mother. It seems to make a big difference when they hear this from someone else. A couple of years after we got married, when my son was about 15, my husband blew his top on a day when DS was disrespecting me. He really came down on him (verbally). But it made DS stop and think. We, as a family, have actually recalled that day years later and talked about it. DS realized that my husband was right.

Bad Mamma

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