I am tired of being strong
Comments
-
p.s. After my lumpectomy (which actually ended up being more like a "half-breast-ectomy"), I played a concert (I play flute) four days later...and was teaching full-days right after that. That was my 2nd surgery in two weeks, with the first being the surgical biopsy....where I was back to work, the 3rd day. (the BMX was a different story, but we won't go there...grin!)
-
I echo everyone's comments in this thread. It's been so hard adjusting to the idea that I've had cancer. I am grateful everyday that I can say HAD because they took it all but I still mourn the loss of my breast. It's still frightening every day when I wake up and look at my torn up body. I am slowly adjusting but I still have a hard time adjusting to life as normal. I don't feel normal. Does it make anyone else nuts when all you hear is "you look great" "you're so amazing" I know people mean well, but I just want to scream sometimes because I dont feel so amazing!
DSJ -- I will think of you tomorrow. Wishing you peace and a restful recovery. I see my ps tomorrow to schedule stage 2 diep and cannot wait to get this next stage of surgery. Crazy, I know to say I cant wait to be cut up again but I am just ready to get on with it. Blessings and hugs to all.
-
dsj,
Hoping all is well ....keep us updated!
-
Hi, I just wanted to let you all know that the surgery is over. It was actually not very bad at all--mainly because they were VERY generous with drugs. When I got there, the nurse gave me a valium, and that made all the preliminary stuff much easier. The wire thing wasn't as bad as I'd expected; the only really painful part the "bee sting" when they put the numbing agent in. And I only had to wait a few minutes after the wire til surgery. The whole thing--from registration to discharge-- took about 5 hours. All the drugs, though, (valium, GA, pain-killer) really kicked in when I got home, though, and I spent most of the day sleeping. Result, unfortunately, I had a hard time sleeping last night, so am really tired this morning. BS said he would have the results on Thursday and to call anytime after noon. So of course, that is all I am thinking about right now. However, since nothing can happen today, I am going to try to make it as easy and relaxed as possible. BTW, very little pain from the surgery itself. Took a vicadin last night, just for insurance. Thank you all for caring.
-
English, I love that column. Thats it in a nutshell for me. Thanks for posting.
-
I couldn't have said it better myself. I got my results in a phone call in between seeing patients at work (dental hygienist). I called my mom, she cried. My co-workers cried, I didn't (my husband was strong for me and that greatly helped). I saw my next patient, then told my employer the results. He asked me why I wasn't upset, and I told him I wasn't letting the cancer have that kind of power. In reality, I knew intuitively right after the biopsy four days earlier what the results would be so I was prepared for it. My sons, 19 and 26, had a hard time handling the news despite the everything is fine-caught it early-this is treatable and I am going to be fine speech and I can't let them know that I am scared, confused and angry. I see 9-10 patients a day and do not want to tell them about the cancer, so when I am asked how I am doing, I say "great!" even though inside I am screaming "I am not ok, I have cancer"! Some days I am weepy and some days I am just plain angry at having to go through this, though I don't let many see that. Funny enough, in some other ways I view my diagnosis as a blessing because it has reminded me about what is really important in life and what is not and I have met some wonderful people that I would not have otherwise met.
Glad your surgery went well dsj, please keep us posted!
-
yeah...glad you're home, glad it went well....
I, too, found the guided wire thing not to be too bad....the funniest thing was when they put the styrofoam cup over it (to protect it)...if it had been a pointier cup, I would have looked like Madonna....I just needed a matching one on the other side. After my surgery - like yours - I had absolutely no pain and just a teeny-tiny-itty-bitty bruise. My BS called with the result two days later, but I already "knew" and I was ok with it. My kids were beside themselves (ages 18, 17, 12), but now, four months later - after my BMX, the cancer is ALL GONE!!!!
I'm still working through a few emotional issues - just sometimes, here and there - but mostly I'm ok...God is good and has put wonderful people in my path...
and writing on this forum has helped tremendously!!!!
blessings...robin
-
So glad it all turned out well. The drugs definitely help. I slept like a baby the night after my surgery with the help of Valium. I don't take much medicine, but I decided if there was time in my life that I needed drug intervention, this was the moment. Hope you're getting the rest your body needs and that you are doing well emotionally. Take care, and we've been thinking about you. MaryAnn
-
Welcome back! Glad it was such a relatively not-terrible experience. Honestly, much better than mine! (Huge wait between wire and surgery, and a week before your surgery, i am STILL waiting for my results!! Grrrr - should ahve them tomorrow.)
-
Oh I am sorry you have to wait so long. I was wondering about you today and went back to see if I had missed something. I hope you hear tomorrow and that you hear very good news.
-
dsj, glad it went well! my only advise is for the first couple of days, keep the meds steady and don't try to tough it out. They really help with sleep and sleep really helps with recovery.
Kitchenwitch, I'm so sorry to hear you are still waiting for results. Thats simply unacceptable! ((hugs))
-
BIG EXHALE. I just spoke with the nurse. All DCIS (no invasive). Smallest margin was .5mm. Tumor size .7 cm. Intermediate grade. Necrosis not identified. She did not have hormone receptor status, but she said she would call and find out about that. I will see the BS on Monday, and he will go over it all with me, but I am thinking this is all good news. I am still shaking from the phone call. Told me husband and my sister and then had to come and post here to the people who know me best through this. Am thinking now about Kitchenwitch and hoping she gets good news too. Much love to you all. d
-
YES!!!! ALL dcis, Excellent News dsj. and your actual tumor size was less than 1CM and intermediate grade. It sounds like you may have to deal with a re-excision due to that one margin, but hey, that should not make you any less exuberant. Nice that you got your results so quickly and our thoughts do turn to Kitchenwitch now, hope her doctors come through with good news like yours VERY SOON.
Julie E
-
dsj,
Very good news! I know you are breathing easier today. So glad you got good news.
k
-
Yes, just realized that I most likely will have to have a re-excision. Not quite a total exhale then. But still relief.
-
Here I go again !!! time to be strong .... headed for another mammogram this afternoon on my "healthy" breast. Getting ready to schedule stage 2 diep and my bs wants me to play it safe and have a mammogram beforehand. He said it's just him being overly cautious and it's ultimately my decision but he wants to make sure nothing has changed in the last 5 months to jump out during the lift and reduction of my good side. I certainly don't want any more suprises and definitely don't want it during another surgery but good grief, I am freaking out once again!!!
-
Oh I completely know how you feel. But you are lucky to have a surgeon who wants to "play it safe" and is "being overly cautious." That's what we all want! And just remember, everything you are doing now is moving you one step closer to the end.
-
I had my checkup yesterday from the biopsy/lumpectomy. Guess it could ahve been better news: the biopsy is DCIS, grade 2, and the lumpectomy didn't get a clear margin. So... I'm having a re-excision after a mammogram. (Wasn't really clear to me why I need the mammo - but she did say something about how I might be able to avoid the wire placement next time, which would be terrific.) So that's where I'm at. I'm relieved to have the news.
-
I am a mess. Finished rads in Jan for Infiltrating Mammary Ca. Had a lumpectomy in Oct. No chemo. Went back for 1st post-op mammogram and they found something in the other breast. Biopsy yesterday and we got a call today......Gr.3 - DCIS. Put a call in to my radiation oncologist - he's my gift from God. Plan to talk to him Monday and the surgeon on Tuesday. Cancer is NOT FAIR. Need some re-assurance. Thanks.
-
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't know what kind of reassurance I can add (only had DCIS) but I can tell you (as I'm sure you already know) that DCIS is non-invasive and considered very treatable. The good thing (and I realize "good" is relative) is that you already have doctors whom you trust and who know your body, so you won't be starting from scratch as many of us who were first diagnosed with DCIS were. I imagine with your history you will be treated with particular care and concern (which I would think is a good thing). You're right, it's NOT FAIR. d
-
kitchewitch and dsj - I had a reexcision and the results were all clear. Second excisions seem to be very common. Sometimes I question myself on the necessity of that re-excision since the sample was all clear, but then I am reassured that they "got it all" and that helps me sleep at night. And I have read that having clear margins is very important relative to odds of recurrence. Good luck and prayers to you both. You both will soon be in a better place.
-
bichonlvr, how long did you have to wait til you had the re-excision? I know that in the greater scheme of things this is a lesser worry, but I am starting to count out how many weeks it might be til I'm through with radiation, and it's now starting to push up to the beginning of long-made summer plans.
-
dsj - I had my first lumpectomy or excisional on 12/8/09 and didn't get my diagnosis until 12/17/09 because of lab sending specimen to Mayo clinic. Then, because of the holidays, I couldn't meet with the rad onc until 12/28/09. The BS warned me that my margins were questionable, 6mm on one side. He said the decision on whether I needed another surgery would be up to rad. onc. Well, of course she said she wanted cleaner margins! Just my luck! My husband asked why didn't surgeon just take more out right away during first surgery. She explained at least 20% of time re-excision is necessary because the surgeon is working with something that is micorscopic, can't always know, etc. I had the second excision on 1/14/10, got "marked" with simulation and CT scan on 1/28/10 and started 5 weeks of rads on 2/15/10. I have my last rads this week, done on 3/19/10! Can't wait! I feel so much better and see light at end of tunnel. I have gained weight back, unfortunately. I lost weight with all the anxiety and I have never in my life lost weight over holidays!
Your lesion is very small and your grade is low, all great news. Your chances of having all clear margins after a second surgery are very good, I'm sure. You are working with the best possible news, given our circumstances. Second surgery was fine, didn't need another wire placement. The BS made me wait for results, for 3-4 days instead of 1-2, I don't know why. Why do they do that to us? I lost a couple more pounds that week!
Good luck and try to relax. My rad onc prescribed an anti-anxiety med for me, first time I ever took one. It helps!
-
dsj..i just read your posts with lots of emotion and only wish i knew of this site with my first diagnosis in Jan 09. I was told "we really think it is nothing but we need look further" That was the start of my story...and although"just" DCIS and 2 surgeries and radiation and a second diagnosis 11/09 on the other side and more surgery...i still cant believe this is my life!! Yes, i am fortunate that it is not more agressive and i am sooo thankful for that...but my whole life has changed and i really wasnt prepared for it. My BS said it best when i walked into her office for a checkup and cried. She said .."it's a very normal reaction...someone stole your good health from you and you are returning to the scene of the crime! She was right!! Even though it could be worse....it is just over 1year for me and i have seen more dr's during this time than I have probably seen my whole life. Having said that...i have stopped working and i must say that i am enjoying the time i have at home with my family....i never had that before..I am stronger now and know that i can face the obstacles that my life may present me...maybe i didnt wnt to be sooo strong but it's good to know i can be!!! I am routing for you and know you will come through on the other side of this stronger too!!!!!
-
WOW - I wish I had started reading these posts a few months ago. I was dx Nov 2009, have had a single MX IDC and DCIS. I know everyone pays attention only to the IDC at this point but I still feel like I am part of both. Another biopsy next week, Apr 6th so the roller coaster starts again, I am tired of being strong and am thinking of quitting my job. I am lucky my husband is supporting the idea just have to decide how we do it and if we can downsize enough to still be able to do what we want without my job. The good thing about the thoughts of moving is it keeps me focused on something other than BC.
Cyber Hugs to all
Olivia
-
Olivia, I'm glad the wonderful people who responded to me helped you too. I have come to feel like this is my "I need a hug thread"
So I'll send a hug to you too.I didn't have the re-excision (a long story already told elsewhere), but the stress of thinking through that decision (reading, talking to multiple doctors, getting advice on this board, etc. etc.) just took a big toll on me. I am okay with the decision, and okay with starting radiation soon (actually anxious to get started so I can be done). But I just exhausted. I'm a teacher, approaching the end of the semester, which is good. Means I won't have to go to class during most of radiation. But I have so much to do til then, plus about a million papers to grade. People say you get tired with radiation and I am already worn out. So, right now, I'm trying to feel strong but kind of collapsing under it too. d
-
DSJ -Being a teacher is a tough job and not many realize the extra hours that it takes. I am glad you won't have to teach during radiation, it might be good to have the time without the stress of thinking you have to get back to your students.My husband actually found a place for us to go and look at over the weekend, I am pretty sure it is not the one but who knows. I like the idea he is taking this seriously and we are taking a step in that direction.
-
I am so glad I discovered this topic today. I was first diagnosed last March (2009) but didn't have support back then except for my marvelous husband. The most positive thing out of everything was I realized what a super man he was. However, one night when I was first diagnosed I couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake him. I couldn't think of whom to call at that hour. I picked up the phone and called the operator and asked to be connected to a hotline. She connected me to one. The first words out of my mouth were "I just got diagnosed with breast cancer and I am afraid I am going to die". The man on the other end of the line said "If your afraid of dying you aren't suicidal. Right?" When I said "Yes" he said "then you don't meet the parameters to talk on a suicide hotline" and hung up. I woke my husband in hysterics. Now it seems funny but back then they guy devastated me and could have driven me to suicide.
-
OMG, what a rude hotline guy! That's just ridiculous.
Well. I've just read through all 58 posts. This is exactly the thread I called in sick to work to come and find! Had my mammogram today 2 yrs post-mastectomy, on the remaining (reduced) breast. It hurt so bad, made me worried. Also had seen a cardiologist for something else, minor, but it requires more testing. So I was crying while driving home, a nervous wreck, not knowing whom to call, tired of being strong, etc., like all of you have said. At first I went to another discussion board for moral support but decided to delete my post there since I "just" had DCIS and some of them had much worse. So I searched around til I found this one. These discussion boards got me through 2 years ago, and I knew I could find support again. The comments about a "double life" apply to me also. I've suffered anxiety and depression last 2 years (not all cancer-related, but brought to the surface by the cancer experience, and intensified by being laid off last year!). I feel so betrayed by my body, and I'm living the rest of my life just waiting for the other shoe to drop. How could I have been so "lucky" with the cancer I got?? There must be something else lurking in my body, biding its time to pop up to show me who's boss. This state of mind is a very far cry from my vow 2 yrs ago to "live life to the fullest"!
Thanks for listening.
-
Oh, Sally1965....I hope you're feeling better today. Maybe a good night's sleep helped. But I would think that the fear of cancer and the cloud would always hang over your head - well, let me rephrase that. I know it would hang over MY head.....that's one of the reasons I went ahead with my BMX even though the DCIS was only in one breast. I couldn't go through all of this again, waiting, wondering, etc....just couldn't. But I know each of us is different.
You've been through an awfully lot in the past two years, so you need to give yourself a break. Don't be so hard on yourself. Be kind. You've been through the wringer. AND when you look at things that cause stress, you've experienced quite of few of them.
I was diagnosed in November, and continue to fight the emotions/depression - and that's even with anti-depression meds and with being a Christian. We're strong women, but we're still human.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you..
blessing...robin
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team