Depression 1 month after mastectomy

ladyod · February 2010

Hi Ladies! I had a double mast. one month ago. Lymph node was cancer free. Smallest margin 1.8 post chest wall. Unilateral extensive DCIS, no invasive cancer. Immediate reconstruction with 700cc implants (they removed my previous 350 cc) My recovery has progressed as expected and I am scheduled to return to work in one and a half weeks. But lately I have been so depressed: worried about reoccurance, confusion over my prognosis, some dissatisfaction with my plastic surgery outcome, feeling guilty for NOT being able to do more. I know I should be thrilled that I had a non invasive cancer and that I should be ready to go back to work. But yesterday, I went grocery shopping for the first time and had to get a chair to sit down because I felt so weak! (Of course, my hubby hasn't shopped once since my surgery so the cart was heaping full) I know you don't know me from Adam, but this is NOT like me! I am very hard working and always look on the positive side of things. I am just so confused over what DCIS really is! I had a double mastectomy but from what I have read, I have a 1 - 2% chance of it reoccurring. Where can it reoccur? I do not have breasts anymore! And since it is DCIS and biologically different than other cancers, it is not supposed to be able to mestasize to other areas, yet when I read some people's post they talk about this risk. I need some peace of mind, and I feel like the more I learn, the less I get! And what makes it worse is that I am worrying about a "non life threatening cancer"....Sorry I am so frustrated, I just am getting more and more worked up over all of this. Does anyone else have this problem? Your kind words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated! BTW, my breast surgeon says I am cured, and I have an appointment with an oncologist in a few weeks.....obviously they are NOT as concerned as I am....

3monstmama · February 2010

Not sure what to say except you certainly aren't alone. I even had a co-worker who had DCIS years ago tell me it wasn't really cancer. Well then if DCIS isn't really cancer, why did the surgeon say mastectomy was an option? Why am I scheduled to start stupid radiation? Why did the radiation oncologist insist that I do rads?

Anyrate, I have started seeing a therapist who specializes in people with cancer, particularly breast cancer, and I think that---coupled with an anti-depressant--is really helping. I'm feeling much more productive and positive.

Is that an option where you are?

JAT · February 2010

Hi Ladyod:

I was very depressed for the whole year after my bilateral. Once I finished the reconstruction I felt at a loss. Now it seemed I just had to wait for the other shoe to drop. I lost interest in just about everything-- sex (I felt unattractive), and food, and just felt very disconnected from everything-- and angry-- which I knew was not good for my marriage or my young daughter. I did try counseling with a therapist who works with b.c. patients, but my insurance didn't cover it and she taught me relaxation techniques that I already knew. Really I should have been taking Xanax because for a whole year I never slept more than 4 hrs a night. But I insisted I could handle things on my own (total control freak that I am)-- but in retrospect I didn't really. Exercise helped and just immersing myself in cheesy pop culture. I teach college so when I was lecturing, my mind forgot about cancer. And discovering this board made me feel connected to amazing women who don't say, "think positive or you'll make yourself sick"-- argh! For me the hardest part was admitting I had so little control over my life, after years of healthy eating and exercise, I felt my body betrayed me.

Anyway, what you are feeling is totally normal. Just don't be foolish like me-- try to get relief now-- if it's help sleeping or talking to someone. And it is okay to be mad and sad-- you had cancer-- who wouldn't be pissed off about that?! -- Julie

roseg · February 2010

I'm sorry you're in the dumps. I really think you'll get to feeling a bit better when you go back to work. It'll give you something to do besides look at your scars. It takes awhile to recover from this.

As for grocery shopping. I hear you! I only had a unilateral and I found it so tiring. It's a lot more lifting than you think. You pick each item up, put it in the cart, put them on the belt, carry the bags to the car, carry them inside (my husband always manages to be 'busy' when I return), then you have to take each item out and put it away.

It drove me to ordering groceries online. If I bought $100 the delivery fee was $4.95 and I figured I saved that much in impluse purchases I didn't make.

Almost 5 years later I have gone back to shopping at the store but I never get in the self-service line.

dsj · February 2010

You need to remember also that you've just had major surgery--which is a huge trauma for your body. When I had a hysterectomy, someone explained it to me like this: your body doesn't know the difference between surgery and being stabbed in a mugging. You have to give yourself time to feel strong again (at least physically) and for your body to heal from all it's gone through. .

mikita5 · February 2010

Hi Ladyod:

I am one yr out of my bilateral mx. I had DCIS also in ONE breast , but had the bilat. Your sadness is understandable and natural. I still have episodes of depression, but if I had to go thru the bilat again, I would. I think having the mx and it giving me the 2% of recurrence was worth it.. Ladyod, none of us has the promise of never having cancer again. I have a strong family history of bc and other cancers. My mom died of ovarian cancer. My brca test came back negative, but, against the opinions of my oncologist, husband, doctors, I went thru with the bilat mx. My pathology report came back with two more spots of DCIS in the cancerous breast. They didn't show up on mammo, so I did the right thing. Now, did I do the right thing with the healthy breast that came back normal.....no signs of cancer in it? Who knows, but I had it taken off and it's gone....Could I have lived with the hastle and anxiety of having it checked every 6 months. Wondering, with every little pain, was it back in that breast? Could I have lived with waiting for new results after every biopsy? Did I want the rest of my life lived in fear of recurrence? No I didn't, so I chose the bilat... I expect that's some of the reasons you opted for a bilat too.

We have made our choice and it's done. As I said, my mom died of ovarian cancer. That's what I always worried about. Sooooo in Dec '09 ,I had an oopherectomy..Pathology came back clean. Two weeks later, I was told I had bc. We aren't promised we'll never get cancer again, whether it be bc or another type. Regardless of whether we had DCIS, IBC, IDC......we have no promises and we can't let it control our lives. If we worry about cancer to the point of it controlling our lives, we let cancer win.... We can't do that. Sure, I worry about getting it again, but, honestly, we can't control it, doc's don't know what causes it or why it comes back....We can't control it.....we just can't........don't let it control your life........live each day like you always did........ it's hard to do....I'm not saying I don't worry because I'm the biggest worrier ever born (ask my daughter and husband).. I still have episodes of crying, but as time goes on, they get fewer and fewer.. It will always be in the back of my mind....but we got thru it once and if we have to, we'll get thru it again!!

Right now, I have one first cousin fighting cancer that's all over her body.. I have another who's been fighting leukemia for the last 5 months. She's had 6 rounds of chemo, has a donor waiting for a bone marrow transplant....Waiting for the chemo to put the cancer into remmission.. It was so promising, but yesterday was told the cancer cells are back. Her prognosis is bad. MIne, today, is good......We're alive today..we have no promise of tomorrow, whether we've had cancer or not....We could be in a car accident tomorrow, with or without cancer....we ARE alive today!!

Ladyoz, if you need to talk, please pm me. Please don't let the fear of reccurence keep you from living today!

Remember Patrick Swayzee's words: 'When you're diagnosed with cancer, you have two options: You can either get busy dying or you can get busy living'. He got busy living... We should too!

Deirdre1 · February 2010

Oh this does sound familiar (though I didn't experience the crying in the grocery store) I was very depressed and it didn't, unfortunately go away (still hasn't completely) for 3 years! And for me it seems in retrospect that it was the bad outcome with my reconstruction that was keeping me down. Going back to work might help but having your breasts look more the way you expect will help a lot... I waited 2 years to have the reconstruction fixed but since that second surgery I have slowly been getting back to myself.. I will of course never be the same, but I now feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel. My ps had screwed up so much I looked like an abstract painting and I wasn't really up to letting him have another go at it.. so I bidded my time, found another ps and probably should have had the revision to the reconstruction done sooner (and if I knew that was what was keeping me down you can bet I would have).. Good luck and I hope you are able to get back to the happiness you deserve!

nolookingback · March 2010

What you need is 1) time. Time to recuperate. You are a long way from done yet with recuperating. Your body is still healing and will be for several months. Take chores is smaller bites than you did before the surgery. And don't feel like a wimp when you stop and rest. Feel like a smart woman who knows how to take care of yourself.

And you also need 2) people to talk with about your situation. Friends, family, American Cancer Society, this board, social worker from your clinic, etc. They will tell you what you feel is normal. That doesn't make it go away, I know. But you understand it's expected and that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. The first month was the hardest for me. I'm at 3 months now and I feel so much better. Everyone is so different - and I know it sounds stupid - but now that I'm through the worst of it I actually feel lucky - I know that sounds stupid - but lucky I found my cancer so early, lucky I had great doctors, lucky the pathology reports were so good. Having lived through this cancer has given me a different perspective on many things. I wouldn't have chosen to have DCIS, but I'm glad to be healthy and strong now. We didn't bury our heads at the diagnosis and do nothing. We took action. Action that was hard and mean and took all our strength to deal with. But we did. We dealt with it. And we will continue to deal with it. We really are stronger than we thought. Give yourself a pat on the back.

bookart · March 2010

Just to address the recurrence risk - my understanding is that although you have BMX, they can't guarantee they have removed every single breast tissue cell. It seems that DCIS is a harbinger - if you've had it, you are slightly more likely to get invasive breast cancer, and in some cases, it isn't found until it has MET to bone or brain. My mother had DCIS, comedo type with necrosis, estrogen neg. She had a unilateral MX with lymph nodes removed. She had no other treatment. Despite mammograms and examinations every 3, 6 months, 4 years later she was found to have MET in hip and neck bones, it spread to brain and she died a year and a half later. This was in 1991 - 1997, so there are some better treatments and tests now- let's not get gloomy!

My BS and OC both advised good self examination - you are looking for a small hard pea-like bump under the skin or in the underarm. Get ANY suspicious lumps checked out immediately. You should be scheduled for check-ups every 6 months at any rate.

BTW - Ditto on the surgery - everyone keeps reminding me when I get impatient with my slow progress that this is major surgery. I folded halfway through my first grocery trip after 4.5 weeks - sat while a friend finished up for me and stood in check-out line for me. Just got back to work 1/2 days today at 7 weeks. So cut yourself some slack. It does get better.

lisamcknito · March 2010

mikita, you have such a great attitude! Thank you for your words of widsom. It really made me feel better. I am new, but have been reading alot. Haven't posted much. Have mutifocal DCIS in R breast. Docs have recommended mastectomy. I am sooooo acared! I was thinking about doing a BM for symmetry and to reduce worries. But, I don't think I can do it. Everyone thinks it is so easy, JUst do it!!! Yeah and then your numb, no real nipples etc. Then I have read about phantom sensations, feelings of tightness/and or pain etc. It is really scarey! I know I have to be strong and positive. I just hope I can live with this when it is done. I worry about so many things. I am newly married, I also think about intimacy, my own self body image, etc. It goes on and on and on in my head!!!! I know I have to make a decision and stick with it and have good reasons for my decision. The nurse at Sloan said I could do one and then if I am not happy with it or can;t live with the fear, I can do the other later. I think that is what I might do. You are an inspiration that I can do this. I am on vacation and when I get back I have to schedule the surgery. God Bless!

olivia218 · March 2010

I am so glad I found this board!! My single left mx was a month yesterday and I have been so depressed.

Before the surgery and up until a few days ago I was fine. I was taking it all in stride or at least I thought I was until the other night. I just feel so down. I am not usually this way, the anesthesiologist said I had a smile when I went under and was smiling in recovery, as I was coming around after the ten hour surgery. My PS said he was so impressed with my attitude, wow he should see me now. When I received my path report the margins were less than 1mm and so I have an appt with the oncologist to find out what is next. I had several microinvasions that were determined larger than 1mm - not even sure what that means. But now I am obsessed with my right side. The other night I was convinced I felt a strange lump, just like it started on the left side.

So now that I have vented on all my cyber BC buddies - all I can say is thanks for reading!

Olivia

ladyod · March 2010

Thank you everyone for your encouragement! I have been feeling a lot better because since my post I went and talked to a counselor. She explained that it is normal to have muscle weakness following recon because of the nerve that is cut. That made me feel better. She also said that although I haven't had to go through as much as others with bc that it is still my grief and that it is 100% valid: I did after all have cancer. Silly how I just needed someone to tell me it was OK to grieve. She also advised that if I need something from my hubby, that I ask him for it SPECIFICALLY! No hinting, no suggesting, just plain come out and tell him: I need you to listen now...I need to rub my shoulders....I need you to give me a kiss because I am feeling down today. Guys just don't get subtle clues, they need specific directions ...LOL!!! My breast surgeon explained that the cancer can come back and that it is usually in the incision site: that will make it easy to watch for. I have also been to a support group where there were women who had been through so much worse; chemo, radiation, failed implants. And even so, they were concerned about me and my feelings and they were so strong: they were inspiring! The foobies still don't look all that great, but my surgeon reminded me that I am only one month out. So I will cross that bridge when I come to it! I guess I have learned that it is OK to grieve, that I need to give myself more time and if I need help I need to ask, and that fear aside, chances are it is all going to be OK. I guess I got so caught up in the fear and felt so out of control, that I forgot to see the big picture. 98% are CURED Ladies! Those are GREAT odds!

robinlbe · March 2010

Thank you for sharing what your counselor told you. My BMX was 1/6/10, and about 4-6 weeks out, I hit rock bottom. I was crying all the time....could do nothing. It was awful. I also felt a survivor's guilt - not having to go through chemo, rads, or more. But, like you, I feel that I have paid an awfully big price - losing both breasts. And all that goes along with that.

I have hesitated to go to a "live" support group, because I was afraid of being around those who were going through so much more. I'm glad you went. I also haven't been able to find one terribly close, either.

I haven't been fitted for my foobies at this point (I am eight weeks out), as I keep retaining fluid...then after I've been aspirated, it doesn't work out to get to the shop.

I saw the oncologist this week, and she doesn't need to see me anymore....but she did recommend that I contact a survivor's counselor with whom I would remain in contact on a yearly basis. I NEED that type of relationship, that type of contact.

I, too, found out I need to grieve. When I had hit the rock bottom - I dug out the pictures of "me" that my husband had taken the night before my BMX. For some reason, it was a great comfort seeing "me" that way.....my 17 y.o. daughter was with me, and reminded me it was like looking at pictures of my dad - who died nearly 7 years ago - and what a comfort it is to see pictures of him when I'm really missing him. Even though I didn't think I was missing my breasts, I guess in a way, I was....and just seeing the pictures of them, gave me some sort of comfort. I have not needed to look at those pictures since, and actually, I am more comfortable with the new me ever since then.

I know I have a long way to go....and it would only be natural, I would think, that this would be the case. After all, I had known myself and lived with myself - as I was - until the surgery, for all those years. This has just been eight weeks. When the post-surgery time equals the amount of pre-surgery time - should I live that long - I would think I'll clearly be adjusted to this "new" me...

blessings...robin

ladyod · March 2010

Robinlbe: Thank you for your comments and please don't despair! Your prognosis is fantastic and your figure is temporary! I went to a website vinniemyers.com and saw wonderful results for women with implants! Gosh, my old breast were sagging down so low, I think I would have had to roll them up pretty soon! LOL Don't get me wrong: I never would have wished for this to happen, but since it did, I am going to try to make the best of it! I read that it is more difficult for women who do not have immediate recon, but I have also heard that your results may end up better because your body will have time to heal and you will have more options as far as cup size and such.

I definitely would recommend you talking to someone. You know what? I think the couselor made one point over and over: she kept saying but what about you? How about your feelings? I allowed myself to let down my guard and I cried and I cried and I cried for the first time since this all happened. I see that you are a mom: I don't know about you, but am so busy trying to keep everyone else calm, I haven't really let myself think about my feelings. Just that one visit helped loads, but I am going to continue to go because I deserve it and I need it and its nice to have someone to talk to where I don't have to be brave and put on a good face and where I can cry without feeling guilty!

All of us who have gone through this have one thing in common: we had cancer. And cancer is scary no matter what type it is! And we were lucky to catch it early and avoid radiation and chemo: but we still have lost something that was dear to us. For some it may be the breasts that nurtured our babies, perhaps it was the sexual sensation that was special, but for all of us it is innocense,the innocense of not worrying about dying, of being healthy and not worrying about our mortality. For that we need to grieve, but just as when we lose our loved ones, we must move on and live our lives, after all, isn't that the whole point?

I wish you the best!

robinlbe · March 2010

Tammy, thanks for the PM....I did mark this as a "favorite" so I could follow postings....but I'm grateful that you thought to PM, too....how thoughtful of you

Grieving IS a very important part of all of this....the sadness, the anger, everything....last week, I would be sad one minute, then angry the next...but I've never had the "why me?" question. I know that God will use this for good in some way....but you're right in the fact that I have been the one to keep everyone calm - my three kids, my own mother, and my husband...plus I was teaching school, and it was in the midst of the holidays when all of this was going on. I never really had time to process any of this.

Even after my BMX, and while home on my medical leave (I only work part-time), I was still home-schooling my kids, and then by the 4th week, I was schooling them and driving them everywhere. I never had quiet/alone time except for a couple of Sunday mornings when the family when to church and I was home alone - that was it.

I broke down a couple of times - once with my BS and another with the genetics counselor, and both recommended a behavioral oncologist/counselor....just as you have done. I wish I had had time to do this - but with the kids' schedule, there's no time for me to do that. I barely have time to get to my surgeon ....still haven't been able to get time to make an appt. to get fitted for my prosthetics yet!!!!!!

I did consult with a PS about reconstruction, but my only options were implants or TRAM, and I still am not certain that I like the idea of foreign objects in my body (PLUS it sounds awfully painful with the TE, any my chest is TIGHT still as it is), and I didn't have enough tummy to do both breasts....and quite frankly, TRAM didn't sound appealing either. I think I"ll just wait around until they can grow me new breasts from my cells...ha!

And by that time, I might not feel a need for them anyway....and you know what? Right now, I'm actually doing ok as I am....wearing tighter shirts, not worrying about it. I'm slender anyway, so it doesn't look all that odd......I make myself look at my naked, scarred chest a long time each day in the mirror - and I guess I'm sort of, kind of getting used to it.....

When was your MX??

blessings...robin

olivia218 · March 2010

LadyOD

Thanks for your posts! I am going to find a counselor in my area. I need someone who I can talk to, today I am just melancholy which is a bit better than yesterday but I know I am on the edge. My husband has been great, thank goodness! He has really sheltered me from visitor's when he can see my mood slipping. I just do not feel like entertaining anyone at this point, so glad he gets it.

I feel guilty about even having the cancer, he lost his first wife to cancer over 9 years ago. We have been married for four and believe me I know he has to be stressed, he is just not showing it. I wonder if he is on autopilot. Maybe he should go with me to counseling - it might be good for both of us. His daughter (who I adopted) is struggling as well but she and I have had a great relationship and recently we have had some good cry's even though she is away at college.

I found a lump on my right side so now I am stressing about it. It is the size of a pea and probably nothing but I am sure you can all understand what is running through my mind at this point, should have had a bmx.

Olivia

ladyod · March 2010

Olivia: Sometimes I think that this disease is so difficult because we feel helpless. But really we aren't...we have control over our health care. I would be stressing about that lump too: who wouldn't in our situation? But it may very well have been there before, and because it was benign no one said anything. Or it could be from hormones: stress makes the cycle go off. But no matter what, Monday morning you call your doctor and tell them you need to be seen right away because you found a lump. The sooner you get peace of mind the better! That goes for talking to a counselor as well. Your surgeon may suggest someone. My husband is going to go with me next week. He also has been great, but sometimes men just don't say what they mean and then my mind starts to wander and well....it will be good to have both of us go for one session. My hubby's mom died of cancer a few years ago and then his best friend at age 35, so he HATES the C word. Have you tried to talk to your husband about it? I try to talk to mine, but he just jokes it off. That's his "auto pilot' mode. He isn't real thrilled about going, but I have told him it is important to me so he is going to go. I think he has a complex about going to counseling (You know, big he man that he is doesn't need to get in touch with his feelings LOL), but I know that it will be good for him. It helped me out immensily! And you don't need to feel guilty about this: you didn't ask for this condition at all, so don't put that pressure on yourself! Your husband may feel overwhelmed, but he doesn't blame you either! It is obvious by the way he is treating you! I can tell you are going to be fine, no matter what! I wrote an article about my journey. It is only on line for one more day, so if you want to read it you can go to www.918moms.com. BTW I looked under your profile to see where you are from and saw you went to John Hopkins for a second opinion....if they agreed with your surgeons assessment, I would say you are in good hands! Please let me know how your visit goes...I will be praying for you to have peace of mind and a great report!

robinlbe · March 2010

Tammy, I took the liberty to read your article.....what a wonderful testimony!!!

I love how Romans 8:28 is being played out in your life through your BC.....

I am now exactly two months post BMX.....with each passing day, I am feeling more comfortable in my skin (well, it's still tight, so I don't mean "comfy" comfortable, but accepting-comfortable)...I don't cringe when I look in the mirror and I haven't cried in awhile, either.

It's actually kind of nice not having to wear a bra, too:)

The other day we were having chicken for dinner (a whole chicken) and my 12 y.o. son was cutting up the meat for us, and he asked me, "mom, do you want the breast?" and I said, "sure, I'll take two."

He looked at me kind of funny at first, then he apologized thinking he had hurt my feelings, but I just started laughing.....then we all did!

blessings...robin

olivia218 · March 2010

Lady OD

I loved your story! Thank you for the link. I know you are right I need to ask my husband to go with me so he knows how guilty I feel about bringing this back into his life.

I was considering waiting to call the surgeon about the lump on the right side but I do not think I can handle it so I am going to call. Thank you again for the encouragement. It is so hard to usually be a strong person and take action but somehow this has thrown me back a bit.

Thank you all for your support!

Fondly,

Olivia

ladyod · March 2010

Robin: Thank you for the Bible verse. Before this affliction, I hadn't picked a Bible up to read in years. Now I have started reading verses daily. What a nice thought that Romans 8:28 is being played out in my life...if only I were so deserving!

Olivia: pm me and let me know how next week goes! I am hoping with all my heart that next week is productive for you and goes smoothly! I bet when your husband finds out you feel this way, he will hug you and tell you that he loves you....although knowing guys, maybe not right away LOL!

olivia218 · March 2010

LadyOD

I am looking into counselor's but have not told my husband I want him to go with me yet.

I do believe part of my issue is that a year ago I had ankle surgery due to a fall. I had to spend six months on crutches with no weight on my left ankle. In June last year I was bitten by a spider and developed MRSA. So about the time I was getting off the cane and feeling normal, I had my annual mammogram and diagnosed with BC. The whole year has been overwhelming and I think it has taken a toll far greater than I realized.

I appreciate the support - I did go outside today and enjoyed some sunshine. It is nice to think spring is around the corner.

Olivia

robinlbe · March 2010

Olivia, my goodness....you have had MORE than your share....they say things come in three's...you should be done

(sorry....I really am NOT taking this lightly...just trying to find a bright spot in a dreary situation)...but you're right...putting all of this together is a LOT to bare. I'm so sorry... I don't have any magic words (wish I did!).....but I will be keeping you in my prayers.....

blessings...robin

robinlbe · March 2010

Tammy, none of us are deserving....it is only through God's loving and merciful grace.....

but we can allow God to use these situations to be used for good - and He WILL use them for good.....your witness in your story is a perfect example. When my daughter was born so very premature (at 23.5 weeks gestation, weighing a little over one pound) 17 years ago, He used this for His good also....she is perfect in every way. With the medical technology that He gave, and with His protection, she is a living, walking, breathing miracle. For two years,though, I questioned "why me? why her?"....after studying Moses' life and the Israelites, it hit me that - like them - we were chosen special, for a special purpose, a special task.

So, when I was diagnosed with BC, I never asked "why me?".....I knew I had been chosen...I had been trusted with this. But I guess He didn't trust me enough to allow me to have invasive cancer!!!!! (thank goodness!!!)

blessings...robin

olivia218 · March 2010

Robin -

Thanks for the support! I am not usually a "pity party" kind of girl but this last week I have just been overwhelmed with emotion. It will work out, things always do!

Olivia

ladyod · March 2010

OLIVIA: Have you called your doc yet? I always feel better when I see my doctor! I have been praying for you! It is going to be alright! You have your very own support team, Robin and I! I start back to work today...I am excited and scared at the same time. I hope I don't have a melt down with one of my patients! All it would take is someone to share a story that didn't turn out so well......Wish me luck! I am SO glad to be getting back to my normal routine!

robinlbe · March 2010

Olivia...I'm not a "pity party" kind of girl either, but I sure had one of those kind of weeks a few weeks ago....couldn't open up my mouth to say a word without crying....it was awful....but I think I had to kind of had to bottom out and do that - in order to head back up....As I wrote on my caring bridge page, I've had roller coaster days and weeks, and sometimes they've been more like yo-yo's.....

But yet with each thing we go through, it's like using our muscles - it will make us stronger. And as we are comforted, we are able to comfort others.....AND it all doesn't happen overnight either. I think we all expect too much of ourselves - I know I did. Still do.

We're human. We're moms. We're wives. We're females. We're the ones who "keep it all together" for so many....and then for me, my whole cancer experience was here and gone before I could bat an eye....and during it all, I was trying to hold it together for everyone...and it wasn't until it was all over that I was starting to process it all - looking at my new, deformed body, and I just lost it.

But I had to....and even though I, too, apologized for when I had a "pity party" week, I don't really think we need to apologize. I don't think less of you because of it....nor would I think less of someone I know in person if she were having a pity party because of what she would be going through. So, why should YOU or I think less of ourselves if we go through this ourselves, you know? We are just so hard on ourselves sometimes....

Like, LadyOD, I'm praying for you, too....there are better days coming - but there will still be bad days mixed in - for ALL of us...me, too. Even though I'm feeling pretty good right now, I KNOW there will be some more bad days ahead....but that's ok.

LadyOD....doing more that wishing you luck...praying for you, too, girl......we KNOW that our DCIS was caught early. We know our prognosis.....God allowed our BC to be caught early, so we can be the mammogram poster girls, and our stories can help others to make sure they get their screenings. Don't let others' stories get you down....their stories aren't YOUR story. We're stage 0, cured DCIS....we're here to make sure others will still be here....and keep encouraging them!!

blessings...robin

olivia218 · March 2010

LadyOD

I have an appt with the oncologist on Thursday and thought I would ask her opinion. I asked my husband if he would go to a counselor with me. It was so sweet, he said, of course, thank you for asking me to go. Tears just streamed down my face, I had no idea he would react that way or be so in tune with me. I feel lucky to have him.

During a few spare moments at work I looked up counselors within my insurance plan but could not figure out how to find one that had a speciality in oncology. So I am looking at the notebook I received at the hospital to see if there is a referral.

Thank you all for cheering me on and keeping me on track!! I would not have moved forward without you all pushing, I just know it.

Fondly,

Olivia

olivia218 · March 2010

Lady OD

I asked my husband if he would go to see a counselor with me. It was so sweet, he looked at me, smiled, and said, "of course I will, thank you so much for asking". When I asked him I was already on the verge of tears and thinking he would not really want to go, but when he smiled and said of course the tears just were streaming down my face. I am lucky to have him in my life.

I have an appt with my oncologist on Thursday and thought I would ask her opinion about the new lump on the right side.

During my spare time at work I did a quick search for a counselor but did not find one. I am looking in the resource book provided to me at the hospital by the head of the oncology department. I was in the hospital during the double D.C. blizzards so a lot of the nurses and Dr's were stuck there. I think to my benefit I had extra special care - they would come and hang out in my room and talk. Since I had to be there six days it was great to have so many experts paying attention to me. I figured it must be slow or else I might have been the few patients that was awake, LOL.

Thank you for encouraging me and keeping me on track. I know I would have put this off a few more days without your encouragement!!! You and Robin are the best

Fondly,

Olivia

robinlbe · March 2010

Olivia!!!! I am so thrilled....your husband is wonderful (just like mine <grin>).....he sounds like a real jewel We are both so very, very blessed

My oncologist is the one who said she could recommend a behavioral oncologist - which is someone who could talk to me about my cancer and the feelings associated with it....not just "any ole" counselor. If your doctor is with a group, they probably have one associated within the group. My BS also had names to recommend, as well. I would go through your doctors for names, before combing the phone book or any other kind of directory...and besides, they might not even list that kind of info. in your hospital's oncology book - they didn't in mine.

Did you realize we were diagnosed one day apart??? Would love to hear your story if/when you're up to it...

Hey, LadyOD;/ Tammy.....how was that first day back to work???

I work all day tomorrow.....I'll be at two schools tomorrow....I'll have three 5th grade classes, one 4th grade, and one 2nd grade....and I'll have travelling between the two schools. Then, I'll be working with the Campus Life group at the middle school where I used to teach (for the previous five years), then getting my hair cut.....I think I'm going to be WIPED out.....sigh.

blessings...robin

ladyod · March 2010

Olivia: I am so happy for you! I am sure that is a relief off of your shoulders! Your hubby really does sound very supportive! You are lucky to have him, but I think he is lucky to have someone who is so concerned about his feelings during such a trying time. You guys are perfect for one another! I think your oncologist will have a good resource for counseling. Robin's right: this is a special circumstance and a counselor specializing in this would be great! Good luck at your appointment Thursday and keep us posted!

Robyn: Not to scare you about your day tomorrow, but I am exhausted! I only worked for 4 hours, but boy are my muscles sore...who would have thought an eye doctor would have such a physical job! I think its just because I haven't used those muscles for a while... But it was great to get back to my normal life and I feel blessed to be back at work. BTW, I also went tonight and had my hair colored and cut. I feel refreshed!

roseg · March 2010

Lady!

I'm glad to hear you feel better after going to work, but gosh - no wonder you felt down if you were in need of a color. There isn't anything more depressing to me than to look at myself in the mirror and see those roots.

I hope things continue to improve.

Depression 1 month after mastectomy

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