I want my life back!!

There absolutely is light at the end of the tunnel!  You're just in a bad place right now, with several treatment steps still ahead of you.  I know it's hard to believe, but the months will go by, and you will get your life back again.

One of the best pieces of advice I've heard is something a doctor told someone else here -- to figure that your treatment will take a year.  Mine actually ran a little more than that, but it's behind me now, and it will all be behind you next year at this time, or even by the holidays.  And the fact that you're into martial arts tells me you'll probably do extremely well with everything, because you were no doubt in excellent physical shape going into this, and you also probably have some excellent mental discipline from all that training.

Another thing you must do is ask for and accept help, especially if you are raising your son on your own.  Put out the word to family & friends about what help you could use -- maybe some meals delivered while you're doing chemo (most of us had a couple of yuckky days each cycle) or someone to watch your son after school.  I don't know what your particular needs will be, but most of us had some degree of fatigue during chemo, and if you're hoping to work through it, I would think about keeping the other things in your life as simple as possible.  You don't have to be super woman. 

Good luck with your chemo, and just know that there absolutely is light at the end of the tunnel...(((Hugs)))    Deanna

One Day at a Time. That's All you have to do. for now. Sometimes, it's the things that really are 'in the moment' and that's where you are, for now. Be nice to yourself, give yourself little gifts and surprises, like bubble baths or ice cream. You deserve it.

And, you've found the most awesome place to come. For info, to vent. keep coming, you'll be glad you did.

Good luck petit,

~Connie

I know exactly how you feel! I have ups and downs all the time. The worst part is when I look at pictures of myself 8 months ago and do not recognize myself. I often feel like cancer aged me 10 years in 6 months. It is not just the physical part. I miss my old life because I was carefree then. There has not been a day when I did not think about cancer. So I often feel like what you said: "I just want my life back!" 

I agree with dlb823, it will take a year. But as titan said, it will go faster than you thought.

I wish my doctors had told me that it would take a year, I would have prepared myself psychologically. I was diagnosed on July 23rd 2009 and only now do I feel my life coming back to normal.

Realistically my goal is that by July 23rd 2010 (the one-year mark), I will be done with all the reconstruction and that I WILL feel like myself again and WILL have my life back!

When I was feeling down, my husband liked to tell me "sort-term pain for long-term gain" ! Believe it or not, but it worked, it helped me get through the treatments!

I know it is hard psychologically, but you will get through this and it will go faster than you thought!

Diagnosis: 7/23/2009, IDC, 1.3cm, Stage IIa, Grade 1, 14 nodes removed, one positive node, ER+/PR+, HER2-, Mastectomy, Taxotere and Cytoxan, Tamoxifen, Zometa

I know how you feel. Getting that diagnosis is quite a shocker. But you HAVE to deal with it. There's really no other choice. As someone else said, you have to have the mindset that the whole treatment is going to be at least a year - year and a half. It's not always going to be a walk in the park, but when you look at the alternatives, I will happily take that walk ANYDAY.

I want to tell you what worked for me...First I had to get past that idea..."Why me". Why me...because that's the way it is. Nothing you can do to change it. So you learn to deal with it. You talk to other survivors. Talk to people where you get your chemo/radiation treatments. Listen to their stories. I found that sometimes comparing others situations to mine..I didn't really have it bad at all. Another thing that helped me thru it was setting goals. I began my chemo on Halloween 08. I had to have 4 treatments of Adryomycin and Cytoxin. That brought me right to the beginning of January. The way I looked at that was the time from Halloween to Christmas flies by!! And so would my treatments!  The same thing in January when I started the Taxotiere/Herceptin treatments - that would run till May (at least the taxotiere) and I looked at that - it was almost summer by then and also my hair would be coming back shortly after that.

It might sound crazy, but those are what worked for me.

I wish you well on your journey.

Hang in there, you are still in shock from the reality of it all.  You still have treatment ahead of you, and the not knowing is so hard also.  We with BC are suddenly thrown into a new reality, and after diagnosis, surgery, and treatment, we begin to re invent ourselves and oftentimes some of our relationships.  You will get thru this, you are having a bad day.  I sure do have mine pretty often, but am glad I can come here to vent, rant, share, and encourage.

Barb

I totally agree with billmomson: you need to set goals. It will help you. It helped me too!

ak_survivor: wow, you were diagnosed 10 days before your wedding, did not tell anyone and you had a blast. You're inspiring! 

Petit ~ If you go to Forum Index above, then scroll down to Chemotherapy, you'll find a thread for women starting chemo this month.  It helps a lot to share what you're going through with others who are at the same place in this journey.     Deanna