Suicide thoughts - is this normal?

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond but I had a colonoscopy on Friday - since this topic isn't about the colonoscopy all I will say is that the doctor screwed up royally - I was awake and in pain during the entire procedure.  I was so upset I couldn't go to sleep after having been up for 48 hours straight so finally when I fell asleep, I stayed in bed until 15 minutes ago and it is 2 pm right now.

I had to open up a second window to make sure I responded to each of you so this response is going to be pretty lengthly.

dee1961 - I was on Zoloft and it was doing wonders and then found out that there is an issue when you are also on Tamoxifen.  So they tried another Anti-Depressant, in fact 2 others and I felt totally out of sorts for weeks - can't even explain it but it was though I wasn't living in my own body.  So with the doctor's approval, I stopped taking them.

Everyminute - you are so right - some of us get piled on like crazy and others just skate through life.  But as we all know, life is not fair and we accept it for what it is.

Vivre - I walk, I ride horses, I exercise, it helps me a lot.  I think that the root of my problem is that I get totally overwelmed.  Think of it this way - you absolutely hate to shop.  You have to go buy something.  You get to the store and there are 100 items to choose from - you get overwhelmed.  That is where I am.  Too much in too short of a time period.  I find that when I am physically active my mind is more relaxed.  However, I am still dealing with a ton of fatigue and I constantly battle that so that is another frustration of mine.

Iodine - I couldn't agree more.  In fact I even spoke those words to the Elders "Why can't he give me a break?  Haven't I proven my faith in him to be strong enough - how much more do I have to endure?"  

To all - I guess I didn't use the proper words - again dealing with chemo fog.  I don't sit here and think "should I hang myself, overdose on pills, find a pistol and shoot myself in the head", etc.  My thoughts are more like "Things would be so much easier if I was just dead" and that is where it stops, it never goes beyond that.  In reality that is such a true statement.  As long as you are living you are going to be faced with challenges.  I just want a freaking break.  

Iodine - my way of handling the dark times is to curl myself up in a ball and just stay in bed and then I pick myself back up and think "that was a wasted day" and move on.  I don't stay in that dark place for very long.  I have never voiced to anyone the dark place other than to ya'll because I think that ya'll would understand that hey.....I am having problems with daily issues.  I do promise each and everyone of you that if my feelings went any further on this, I would be the first to go seek professional help.  My personality is such that I am a survivor and I will deal with whatever crap I have to in order to survive but dangit - it shouldn't be this darn hard.

Julia - thanks for your positive thoughts.

Horsedoc - you get it!!!  About my horse you totally get it!!  Not to scare you by any means but chemo fog can be a serious thing when you are around horses.  I can't tell you how many times in the beginning I would just turn around and walk in front of a horse and not even realize it.  You have to be even more diligent about safety when you are undergoing chemo and your brain isn' functioning.  Fortunately I have a trainer who understood that I had to drop my riding level down a couple of notches because I couldn't coordinate inside/outside hands with inside/outside legs, versus seat, shoulders, half halts, etc.  And then I was only able to ride for about 20 minutes and I would be so exhausted that sometimes I would get off my horse and throw up.  When I lost my mare (my very first horse) I grieved more for that loss than when I found out I had cancer.  Losing my horse was so devastating to me compared to hearing the news I had BC.

Veggy - I am going to make an appointment to see a specialist at the cancer center - I should be able to get in to see her within 2 weeks the most.  Maybe there is another anti-depressant I can try and see if it works.

ElaineD - I probably would have been confused if I red the same thing.  To me, thinking that life would be easier if I were dead is pretty much along the lines of having suicide thoughts - thinking about it but never actually taking the action.  I should have worded it differently.  I have difficulty expressing myself due to chemo fog.  "If I were dead I wouldn't have to deal with this" - I had those thoughts when I was as young as 12 years old during my childhood when i was getting beat up on a regular basis and lived outside of the US, so I had no family members to turn to and my dad (sperm donor is all he was) was more of hiding it under the carpet because he was in the military and it would affect his promotions if his commanding officer found out that his wife was beating my sister and I up on a weekly basis.  This is why I said "don't worry, I won't do it" because I have dealt with this for so many years and I am too chicken chit to do anything.  When I get totally overwhelmed (i.e. just too much to handle) I turn away from everyone and want to be left alone in the dark to get through the episode.

Dalycity - you are so right.  I remind myself of the same thing on a weekly basis.  I have learned to let go over the years but it took me reaching a certain maturity level to be able to do so.

Lovemyfamilysomuch - You understand!  I put this out there as a sounding board to help me get through a rough patch and it worked!  I am not here looking for pity, attention, etc. that is not my nature.  I was trying to just open up to somebody that would understand.  If you will notice I think I posted this around 2:30 in the morning.  Another sleepless, anxiety filled night.  I must think next time to not post in the middle of the night, to wait another day as we all feel different day to day.

Bren - I am not LDS.  My husband and his children are Jehovah's witnesses and I do plan on getting baptised in the near future.  I have been studying and attending weekly meetings for 7 years now.  We do not believe in the Book of Mormon - we believe in the bible and everything that is taught to us is based strictly on the scriptures and not people's own opinion of what you should and should not do.  God does not approve of suicide, he is a loving god - he created us, his intention was not for us to kill ourselves.  I truly believe in this and that is just one of the reasons why even though I have thoughts, I would never follow through.  My whole purpose of starting this thread was wondering if there were others like me who think about it, others that get totally overwhelmed to where they would even have the thought.  Maybe I was looking for confirmation as to whether or not I am a strong or weak person based on what other people experience.

ClaireinSeattle - No you are not flippant.  I have a horse, it is her mother that died.  Her mother was my very first horse and after 7 years I decided to breed her.  She died two months after she had her foal so I raised an orphan foal who will turn 5 years old this April.   I love my husband so very much, I am still in love with my husband after 10 years of marriage and I say this because when I found out I had BC, my first thought was I have to outlive my horse.  She has already lost her own mother and I don't want her to suffer another loss (me) - we are very attached to one another, she views me as her mom and she takes care of me.  She is (other than my husband) the most important thing to me in my life.  When her mother died, it about killed me.  I couldn't even talk about her without crying for over 3 years.  It was the worst experience of my life.  I would endure anything if that is what it took for her to continue living a healthy long life.  

My horse (the orphan) depends on me, she loves it when I see her and when I ride her.  I feel that I have neglected her needs because of my fatigue issues, etc.  It is a one hour drive just to go see her.  I do see her at least twice a week but I would love for it to be more than that.  Horses are strange creatures, most of them love their owners and they do get jealous if other owners are always out there passing treats to their horses but you are not around for them. They do miss their humans.

I appreciate everyone's advice and their concern and yes....I will look into some professional help even it if is only trying some more anti-depressants to see if they will work.  I don't have any family that lives near me but I have a great network of friends besides all of the wonderful ladies on this board who have been so supportive and helpful this past  year.

Bren - you didn't need to delete your post!  I was not offended in the least.  It is a natural assumption by probably 90% of the population that if you live in Utah that you are mormon (LDS).  No big deal at all.  In fact some of my best friends are LDS and I live in a neighborhood that is 90% LDS - an older section of the city.  They just have different beliefs some of which they keep extremely secretive which I find odd.  As most everyone knows, the LDS send their children on missions for 2 years after graduating high school.  From what I understand it is mandatory for the males to go but more voluntary for the females to go.  They go spread the word of God and the LDS Faith.  What most people don't know is that the Jehovah's Witnesses also spread the word of God but they do it life long, not just for 2 years and that is it.  Some work full time so they can only go out on the weekends whereas the ones that work part-time they spend a lot of time witnessing to other people without being pushy. 

I have had the mormon missionaries come to my door many times.  I am always very polite to them but just say "I am not interested" or something like that.  They have never been pushy with me.  It is not like that all of the time.  Some get so excited about being in the faith that they do come across pushy when it is really their enthusiasm that gives that impression.

While I have no direct experience - I have been told many times that the Utahn LDS people are very different than those in the other states but they really don't go into much detail about it.  Again, some things they keep extremely secretive but that is their choice and I accept it.

ClairinSeattle - thanks for the uplifting comment regarding my horse.  Now if she doesn't kill me in the process, we will be just fine.  No joke, we have a ton of snow here that builds up on the indoor arena roofs so when there comes a day that it is warm, the snow slides off the roof down about 30' to the ground and it sounds like an avalanche.  2 weeks ago she spooked at least 5 times during one hour because of the noise and commotion with the snow and of course the other horses were acting up also.  But for some reason I have never hit the ground while riding her.  It is as though she will twist her body if I get off balance to help me stay on her.  She is such a sweetheart with a gentle soul.