The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

Motherdearest-I hope I wasn't as stupid before diagnosis as some of the people I've run into after. Perhaps I was, if so it wasn't deliberate. That's what I keep telling myself that when I hear a comment that hurts or just doesn't make sense. Most of the time I don't respond to the comment but to the intent, but then I just have to come here and say what I really wanted to say at the time. This thread has become my sanity! In the case of your hubby's wife, I vote with making her pee in the bushes, preferably poison ivy!

Chainsawz-using the situation to amuse yourself sounds like a great way to cope, as long as you don't get hauled off to the local looney bin!

Mbticsw01-I took leave from work while I was in treatment. I'm a nurse and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I was doing if I was always thinking about what time I had to leave work to get to an appointment, and then I had complications (huge burn over my entire breast, leaking huge amounts of fluid continuously, on pain medication and anxiety medication, shouldn't have been driving but was) and had one co-worker who thought I was "over reacting" since she worked full time after her lumpectomy for DCIS. I asked her how chemo/radiation went, turns out she didn't have either. Just surgery. No comparison, I told her. She didn't believe me until I showed up at the office to sign some papers with the entire left side of my shirt soaked with drainage from the radiation burn.

Groundhog-kind of a foolish question from the sales clerk, but at least she was helpful. Still, I would have been taken aback a bit by that question, too.

Olivia218-cancer as a weight loss treatment. Hmmm. I wish it worked that way for me!

Erika09-your sister sounds like she needs a brick dropped on her head. I know those kinds of things need to be discussed with the family, but let's at least wait to find out what the diagnosis really is first! And there are much more gentle and sensitive ways to bring up the subject. Assuming she needs to be involved, that conversation may only need to be between you and your partner.

Jeaniept-You gotta love the people who still believe that cancer can be totally prevented or even cured with diet. There was a major study reported recently by the ACS that showed that a high fruit and veggie diet does not decrease the recurrence rate of bc.
http://www.aafp.org/afp/2008/0315/p842.html The JAMA reference is at the bottom of the page, I don't have a subscription and the university library internet system is down due to a power failure right now, so I can't link directly to JAMA.

{{Erika09}} - hoping and praying for the best for you.  xo, E

Hi NativeMainer - BIG TIGHT HUGS FOR YOU!!!

I have to chime in with two comments, both from men, whom I called within an hour of my DCIS Stage 0 diagnosis. The first was "Don't freak out." He added that cancer is not a death sentence anymore, so it was half positive anyway... I called the guy I was dating (who bailed within a few weeks--sigh..) He said, "Freak out all you want right now; you have to. Then your head will be clear to deal with what's to come." I needed to freak out, and liked the permission...I had already sobbed and sobbed and found something (inanimate) to kick the s--- out of while I cried out obscenities. To be told "Don't freak out..." Please! I wanted to tell him, "You may be having one of your testicles removed..don't freak out!" Plenty of people said "You are so brave." I didn't find it offensive--I think they were just trying to imagine how they would handle it. Another woman friend said, "I don't think I could do what you're doing." (Like there was a choice.) I told her that she could if she had to, she is strong. A wonderful counselor at a hotline told me when I was first diagnosed that I would be an "Old soul" after this, and I didn't get it. But now, 8 months later, I do get it. I feel wiser and more centered. Best wishes to all who are reading this.

Jeanie, I think why some of us don't like being told we are brave because that doesn't allow us to be not-brave. If you know what I mean. It's almost like setting the bar too high for ourselves...

There's stupid and then there's really f-ing stupid.  The thyroid comment was really f-ing stupid.  I take a pill every day for my thyroid, big whup.

I have a male friend at the Y who is 20 months into pancreatic cancer treatment.  I know he does not have much time left.  He's at the Y daily doing anything and everything his body will allow.  He runs, walks, lifts, kayaks, bikes - whatever he can do.   He's down to about 100 pounds.  Always a smile, never a complaint and always a hug.  He tells me I am his hero.  NOT EVEN CLOSE.  He is my hero.  Today I drove past his house and he was out shoveling his driveway out from 12 inches of snow wit his wife.  He does not have any children.  All the people in my life who say stupid things to me - I just think of Dale and all of the joy he radiates and all that he is giving to this world.  OK, I am now crying.  Good night, dear ladies.

Bobcat, that really helps to keep things in perspective.  My SIL also has pancreatic CA and is still fighting.  She actually has blossomed at this time in her life.  She's traveled alot and enjoying her life.  Been on chemo for over a year.  I have nothing to complain about.

Jelson - 

Big Ditto to Perky!! This is one place you can feel safe, not criticized and free to feel how you want to feel when you want to on your own schedule!!

These discussion boards have given me a great deal of peace and understanding

Olivia 

perky, it really isn't possible to be the comforter to your family and friends, at least not all the time.  I can do it sometimes, but not often.  I've been blessed with co-workers who either "get it" or support me by following my lead--listening when I feel like talking, not bringing it up when I don't.  My family, on the other hand, I feel like I need to protect and comfort all the time.  It's a good thing I see my co-workers more than my family most of the time! 

Just found this thread and have a few of my own "rants" if I may. When I was 1st dx a male friend told me that "everyone's thinking about your tits"!?? Over the years all the great advice, diets, cures, etc. people feel they must give me is so tiresome. As if I'm not doing & learning everything about my needs and health. The latest (I've been stage 4 for 5 yrs now & on constant chemo), I was told by my onc nurse (who I usually love): "Nobody's going to give you sympathy looking as good as you do"!?? WTF - not looking for sympathy, just help with my side effects.

I agree with the "being brave" comment.  What are we supposed to do?  Melt on to the floor in a hysterical puddle?  I got so tired of the comment about "how well you are taking this" that I finally answered someone, "well, I briefly considered running around screaming and crying at the top of my lungs, but that didn't seem very helpful, so I decided against it."  He looked startled, and I felt bad for about two seconds.  But he got over it.   So now it's my stock answer for that comment.  At least he will think twice before saying that to anyone else.

This perked me up this morning.  I'm still thinking of an exchange from a few weeks ago.  Was at an event, gal I know only through this activity, comes up, puts on a mournful face and says, "I just heard you have bc.  What stage is it?"  I told her I really didn't want to talk about it then, that I was there for the event and wanted to think about it.  She proceeded to tell me that the reason she asked was that she was recently diagnosed, had a lumpectomy, was stage 0, had radiation, surgeon got good margins, etc.  I ended up being polite, but afterwards asked the other gal sitting there, "what was the point in that?"  Her reply, "she wanted to talk about herself." 

My sister died of a brain tumor.  When she was going through numerous surgeries, a friend said, "I just couldn't do that."  Really?

OMG!!!   BobCat, did your "friend" divorce Tony and did he recently marry idaho's aunt????

The ex-wife of my nephew mouths the words "Are you all right?" with a sad look every time she sees me.  It has been over two years and it does get old.  I give her a bright smile and say, "Peachy keen, and you?"  What ever gets that poor doof through her days.