not the same as before!

purplehaze66 · February 2010

purplehaze66 · February 2010

Last night while out to dinner with my husband and son, I discovered that my husband is right, I am crabby and bitter. I am sad to admit that I am definetly NOT the same person I was before I had cancer, and it makes me angry....I have been going thru the motions of life but not really enjoying myself at all. Most people say that cancer changes them, wakes them up to enjoying things they never did but I feel that I was the complete opposite of that. I loved my life before cancer, and now everyday I obsess with how I hate my breast and scars. I am always worried about something cancer related.....why? I don't know. but he is right I am crabby most of the time and as I sit here crying my eyes out I wish I can be different! I cry because I want to enjoy all that is given to me but I feel sooo lost, I don't even know who I am anymore....I am sad because I think I am losing them and losing out on life. I don't think anyone else who knows me would think that I am crabby or bitter because I only show my "true colors" to my husband and I guess my son. I volunteer for BC programs and help others yet I am now discovering I myself am a mess. I don't even know why I am writing this except I need to vent. I don't even vent in my journal for fear that someone will see I am a basketcase. thanks for listening....deep breath, maybe now I can feel better.

barbe1958 · February 2010

You have made an incredible discovery! You have opened your soul to introspection which is a very hard thing to do. I truly believe that you can make changes now that you have searched your soul.

All the very best on your healing process. Remember, we have to go through the stages of grief to be able to "move on" (HATE that term!). Anger is definitely one of the stages.

You done good! Laughing

Titan · February 2010

Oh purplehaze (my favorite color by the way)..you are totally "normal"...you may not like it but you are normal and fit in with the rest of us...we all question..why did this happen to us? What did we do? How can we be sure it will go away? And what if it doesn't....talk about some soul searching? I did vent to my DH...he was about the only one I could (plus on here)...because everyone else wants me to be fine...so I let them think I am fine..and you know..most of the time I am...I think you need to just keep busy, busy, busy...in time..there will actually be hours, if not days that you won't think about BC...and then sorry to say, there are times you will freak out..just come on here and vent...we are all here for each other....

I can't say I was angry at having breast cancer..I just didn't like making the people that loved me feel sad...I hated that....Breast cancer is something we can not change..it is there......but realize that there are tons of survivors...hopefully you will be one of them...hang in there girl..and remember come on here and rant any time..I do it all the time!

Leah_S · February 2010

I'm so sorry you're going through this now.

Don't discount the possibility of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's not uncommon in cancer survivors. I mean, what's more stressful than cancer? You had help for the physical aspects of cancer, so don't ignore the emotional ones. Help is out there if you look for it.

Best of luck. Much love coming to you from me.

Leah

Titan · February 2010

Good advice Leah! BC is so darn stressfull...the surgery, the treatment,,and then the after...it is so hard for us to deal with...but we do because we have to...thankfully there is help out there...and comiing here to rant is a great way to get the help..I have come on here with my anxieties and have had so much support..I feel like crap...come on here..express my anxieties and I have my friends help me out immediately..Purple..please use us as much as you want..we are here for and will support you every step of the way..you can count on that!

baywatcher · February 2010

Hi Purple - I think it is good to vent. If you keep it all inside, it just festers.

I want to tell you that you are not alone. I am changed too (and not for the better) as well as crabby and bitter. You are probably depressed which I think is pretty understandable.

I think in order to get better, we have to mentally overcome this. What has happened to us sucks big time but if we continue down this path, the cancer has won and we can't let that happen. I have started therapy and my therapist said that I have to find something positive out of all of this and try to focus on the positive. The only positive that has happened is that I have become more health conscious and so have my husband and daughters and I am trying to focus on that. We can either take the positive path or the negative path and I know that the negative path leads to dark places!

Just remember, you are not alone even though you might feel like you are. This cancer stuff messes with your mind. Maybe you could find someone to talk to. I think my therapist might be helping me but I am not sure yet. Time will tell.

Hang in there. We are rooting for you.

purplehaze66 · February 2010

Thank you, I really appreciate all of you and what you have said. I should say that I am feeling this way and it is 5 years later, although this past year has been full of 5 surgeries and revisions with not so great results. I think I do have PTSD! I do think I may be depressed, so I am going to start looking for a support group again. I used to go to one but it is on a night that I work. I thought I was doing ok and then BAM it just hits and I have know idea what the heck happened! thank you again, it does help to come and rant! I do keep it all inside because I feel that my husband and family DON'T want to hear about it anymore....they all want to think I am "NORMAL" and I definetly am not......how can I ever be???

dreamwriter · February 2010

Maybe the number 5 is not your favourite. LOL. But 7 will be lucky. Get a lotto ticket for then. You have a perfect right to feel crabby and bitter. If not you would not be human. Hey people are messing with your body and it has succumbed to an enemy. But you fought back and the people you love are still with you. Every one of us has had moments, weeks, lifetimes of these feelings whether we admit it or not. Good for you that you can be honest with yourself. It is actually a sign that you are about to shake off those feelings and "move on". Hope I follow in your footsteps.

Facetedjewel · February 2010

I do not feel the same as I did before BC. It has changed my life, yet so far I can't see for the better. I tend to be a positive person, yet I am struggling around this. Most people would never it, as I tend to keep it all inside and only vent to my therapist and significant other, although I don't think he really understands. I am finding it more difficult as time goes on. January was just about a year following my last surgery and I found myself suddenly crying for an entire Sunday.

I do believe this is a process, similar to the grieving process that takes time, yet in the back of my mind is a fear of a reocurrence. People just don't understand. They are now saying I look better, I had gotten painfully thin and have gained some weight back, but I don't feel like I did prior to my diagnosis. It is amazing how I was myself one monent and went into shock for months upon hearing "you have cancer" and things have never been the same since. Yes it was caught early and was a Stage 1, and I was fortunate that way, but cancer is cancer. It is still scary and unpredictable. This is where I feel my anger. People think because you look ok and it was an early stage that things are fine and back to normal. Well, no they are not. I am still tired, have been tested for cervical cancer following BC treatment and it just keeps going on.

I have done yoga daily for over then years and mediate and try to stay positive, but I find myself getting emotional at times and feeling drained. It is most likely fear based because I had awful side effect to Tamoxifen and stopped it and do not want to start Arimidix because of its side effect profile. I tend to be sensitive to SE's. My onc. considers me "unprotected" and that has its affects on me. I am taking natural supplements and hoping for the best. I just ordered the Anitcancer book by the doctor who had brain tumors and hopefully that will have information on lifestyle etc.

There just is not a day that goes by that at some point I don't have the cancer thought pop into my mind. I am a social worker and know how to help others with their issues, but for some reason this has had a huge impact on my life. I suppose it is similar to a teenager who considers him or herself invincible until something happens. Well HELLO, that was me, even though I am an adult and know better, I just never thought this would happen to me.

I want someone to say "it is going to okay" and I realize that no one can, at least in terms of a reocurrence, but none of us knows what the next moment will bring. This is where I have to keep pulling myself back into my true belief of living in the moment, only the cancer has thrown me out of balance. Maybe this is a big test, the moment I start thinking about it, say "STOP" and gently bring myself back to the here and now. Take a few deep breaths, quiet my mind, and be grateful for what I have at this exact moment in time. After all, I have a 24 year old daughter with lupus, who was diagnosed at 15, who struggles physically on a daily basis and I am complaining. We almost lost her three years ago and I am just grateful everyday she is in my life.

I think I need to work on getting back on the positive train, giving thanks for my recovery, take the best care I can of myself and leave the rest to the powers that be.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have tears in my eyes, at one time I would have said of saddness, but now I think they are of gratitude.

Bless you all.

snhb · February 2010

Dear Sister,

You are perfectly normal to have these feelings. No one, but another Breast Cancer Survivor understands how you are feeling. All of the women here who said it is the eqivalent of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, are correct. Think about it, you have been through a WAR, the fight against BC, Your entire life has changed. Anyone who has been through such a life altering experience, with the amount of stress we've all experienced and continue to experience throughout our lives, ie: surgeries, medicines, waiting for test results etc., can NEVER think or feel about life as we did before BC.

Don't think that you are the only one who's husband, or son, or friends, or anyone else in your life, think that you are or should be over it. They figure that because you're still alive you should be over it.

Honestly, my husband is like that too sometimes, but I really think it's his way of coping with his own fears about me having BC, It's like if he doesn't acknowledge that I had BC, and feels that I am "over it", then, I'm okay.

Just know that you are not alone in your feelings, and you are a Survivor, and always will be.

iodine · February 2010

I bellieve that our brains can handle just so much at one time. Therefore, all those brain cells have been focused on treatment and getting thru every day. And believe me, it takes them ALL.

When, finally, we are at the end of the tunnel and have found only light and Not an oncomming train, our brain/body/emotions have the energy to finally wrap themselves around the fact that we have had Freekin' Cancer! So, now we break down and hopefully give in to the emotions that we have been pushing down for so long---and it's good that we do. I repeat, it's good that we do.

not the same as before!

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