It has finally sunk in ...

beaglesmom · February 2010

Never surrender - thank God for that little boy you were there. God had a plan for you that day to save him!

robinlbe · February 2010

Loved the story of the little boy, but sorry that it had to happen......

Am feeling better....guess I just had to hit a few lows....such a roller coaster ride....thanks for being there while I cried on your shoulders (and eyes!).

blessings..robin

shannon310 · February 2010

I am so glad I found these posts. I'm a mess too, for all the reasons you all are talking about. I was strong as hell going through it, DX 1/09/09, lumpectomy, chemo, rads, finished 2 weeks before my only child went to college so I thought, last fall, it would hit me. It didn't, so I just kept going, trying to get my strength back.

Now my job is so stressful, all I have energy for is coming home and collapsing on the couch. I have a bully boss who has no clue and I obviously can't leave until I find something else, (with insurance). The next 2months are extremely stressful in a normal setting and I just don' t know how I'm going to do it.

I have a call into the Cancer Center that runs a 'Finding your new normal' workshop and I'm wondering about anti-anxiety meds. Has anyone had expierence with any meds? I've never done anti-depressants or anything but this is having a toxic effect on my recovery and I'm heading for a meltdown.

Suzanne3131 · February 2010

Oh bless you Shannon! I do not have any experience with anti-anxiety meds...but I know a lot of women who have used them with success. I have come to the realization that, while treatment sometimes goes on and on, after it's over we are kind of left alone with our fears...and I don't know about you, but with the circle of people in my life (even my parents and siblings I think) my dx is kind of old news. You get gobs of support when its all new, but it sure gets lonely after the shock wears off. Please seek out some support and use the meds if you need to. I wish you ease in finding a nice new job with a nice new boss. Blessings, Suzanne

carolinachick · February 2010

Hello ladies,

I just stumbled upon this thread and echo the feelings that many of you are having. I think I'm just now mourning the loss of that innocence I had before diagnosis. My friends and family all have moved on from my diagnosis, but somehow I just can't seem to get my joy back. I've joined a local support group, which has been wonderful, but I am the youngest person there (I'm 45). Most of these women aren't dealing with teenagers at home, kids at college, trying to juggle a job and family, etc. I am wondering if meds would help, but I've never been one to take medicine willingly. I'm trying to take care of myself by exercising and eating well, but most days I just feel like I'm in a post-treatment fog. I know I have so much to be thankful for. I just can't seem to find my happy place right now.

Thanks for letting me vent. Only you ladies know what this journey is like.

beaglesmom · February 2010

Hello Carolina Chick - I too am a Carolina Chick, right over the border from you. I am 44 and was diagnosed with multi-focal DCIS in Sept. Single MX in Dec with DIEP and patiently awaiting stage 2 to get my new nipple wtih lift and tweaking. I can completely relate to your feelings that everyone else has seemed to move on and put the diagnosis behind them. A fellow bc survivor said something the other day that was right on the money. It's almost as if we're not patients anymore. However, in our minds we are.

I take lexapro and have for years. When I hit my mid-30's, I began having panic attacks. My mom was affected with the same thing at the same age. My pcp prescribed several different anti-anxiety meds and I have had the best luck with lexapro. I was never one to take meds unless I really needed them either, but sometimes it is necessary. Speak with your pcp.

I certainly don't want this diagnosis and "survivor" status to consume my entire life and wtill continue to do everything in my power to return to normal, but I still struggle with finding what that normal is.

robinlbe · February 2010

Yes, yes, and yes.....I am with all of you. Everyone else has moved on with "my" diagnosis. It was short and sweet. I was blessed in that it was caught early, and had three surgeries - with the final one being the BMX w/o reconstruction. However, I am struggling with that decision and I struggle daily with my new normal. My husband and my 17 y.o. daughter understand...I haven't even returned to work yet - I'm even off my church's prayer list!!

sigh.....

Suzanne3131 · February 2010

I am so happy that you are all chiming in on this thread. It means so much to me that you all understand what it feels like.

klp1 · February 2010

Shannon310 - I developed panic/anxiety attacks a couple of years ago. I take Sertraline (generic Zoloft) and it totally put an end to my anxiety with no side effects. It's a treatment for depression and/or anxiety. I never had depression, but the anxiety had such a negative effect on my life! I recommend you talk to your doctor about your symptoms and see what they suggest. Take good care of your physical AND mental health!

carolinachick · February 2010

Hi beaglesmom - I noticed that we were close in age and near each other. Thanks for the info on Lexapro. I will definitely ask about it at my next PCP appointment, which will be soon. Can I ask you who your doctors are? I am considering changing oncs, but can't decide if that's the right thing to do or not.

Shannon - I hope that the next two months go quickly for you and don't end up being stressful as you think. I'm sorry to hear about your boss - some people just don't get it.

I agree that we are still patients in our minds, even though we are done with treatment. I had a lumpectomy last January, then chemo and radiation. I finished all treatment last July and my friends had a wonderful big party for me to celebrate "the end." I'm now hitting all the one year anniversaries of everything. I feel like I just start feeling better, then I have another anniversary of something or a checkup with my BS or onc and it brings all the feelings back up.

My sister is going through a separation from her husband which will most likely end up in divorce, and she said that we are all just in survival mode when we're in the midst of it. Once we are done getting through it we have to deal with the emotional aftermath. I've been putting it off because I just don't want to FEEL all that anger, sadness, mistrust of my body, etc. I don't want to freak my family out with all the crying and venting, so I've been mostly swallowing it down. I think the dam is about to break. I'm heading to a conference at the beach next week, so I'm hoping I can use some of that alone time to process some of these feelings. I also may start a journal. I never wanted to do that during treatment, but I'm thinking that now it may be helpful.

beaglesmom · February 2010

Let the dam break! I held it in for so long and then all of a sudden when I went back to work, it hit me (I think that's the night I started this thread). I cried at night, I cried when I woke up, I cried at work, I cried driving home. I couldn't stop. I haven't cried now for a couple of weeks. Let it out.

I am now more excited over this next phase in my reconstruction/recovery. I cannot wait for my next appointment and want it to be tomorrow and not in 2 weeks. Likewise, I cannot promise that crying won't come again, but I've decided that if I need to, I will and it will be okay. I deserve to. We didn't ask for this. We got it and it stinks so if we want to giggle or cry over our experience, it's up to us to decide.

Carolina Chick - PM coming your way with doctor referrals.

Kyta · February 2010

Hi ladies...so much of what I've read in your posts resonates with me. Thanks for sharing your wonderful insights.

carolinachick · February 2010

Well, at least part of the dam broke last night. I haven't cried that much in a very long time. I'm feeling a little better today, but I never know when that feeling may creep up again.

beaglesmom - Thanks for the doctor info. I'm hoping the next two weeks fly by for you so that you can get to that next appointment!

And thank you, ladies, for your support. In my mind's eye we are all in a big boat paddling together toward our "new normal." When one of us gets tired of paddling, the others take over until she feels better.

EWB · February 2010

Ladies - I am so sorry you are all going through this. I think this is a process - it takes a while for it all to sink in - it was mentioned earlier that we often go into action doing whatever needs to be done w/o thinking. After the initial dx, tests, first decisions, surgery, treatment etc, when there is a break in the action it all catches up... there is quiet time, down time. Time to think, time for everything we have ever heard or thought about cancer to rear its ugly head. I urge anyone and everyone to consider anti depressants, anti anxiety meds...you have been through a huge shock, your world is not what it was, nothing is what you thought or believed. Find support groups, art therapy, music therapy, counseling, the boards...any thing that helps you work it out and know you are not alone. Meds don't make it all go away but they can help make things managable, they do not have to be long term.

Be open to what is there - the people who are put in your life at just the right moment to help you (like Neversurrender and the little boy!). Do not deny or ignore feelings, they won't go away and will only create more strress; see them, acknowledge them, put a name to them and then let them go, like water running thru your fingers. Things do get better, but it takes time. There will be ups and downs and one day you will realize there are more ups than downs. It does not get easy, but it does get easier.

gentle hugs, and best wishes for sunny days.

It has finally sunk in ...

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