Reaching out to an old friend??

Ezscriiibe · February 2010

I have no idea where to place this post, and forgive me if it turns into a rambling mess of incoherence.

Lately I've been plagued with not being able to fall asleep -- I think it's one of the side effects of the chemo.

One of the things that is happening is that my brain cannot shut off. Unfortunately for me, I am obsessing on a failed friendship from which I never received any closure. I am a rational person, and thought I had emotionally and mentally worked through this a couple of years ago. But for whatever reason, I lie in bed literally for hours before I can fall asleep "writing" a letter to my former friend.

Briefly, we worked together for over 12 years. Then she left the company to be a stay-at-home mom. We continued our friendship for several more years, getting together periodically for lunches, etc.

Then the company closed my department and I became a "stay-at-home." It was tough for me, because around that same time my widowed mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I moved her in with us temporarily until she recovered, and it was during that time that I became an "undependable" friend.

My friend and I had made a "date" for lunch and I completely forgot about it. To be accurate, I didn't forget about it, I just didn't realize what day it was and thought the lunch was the next day.

Whatever, the end result was that I left her sitting in the restaurant.

Once I realized what I did (unfortunately, a day late!), it was too late. I called to apologize. I wrote a couple heartfelt notes and a card, again throwing myself on the sword, but never heard another word back.

I know that the mature thing is to say, "Oh she was never really your friend." and move on. I tried that. Our birthdays are a day apart and we used to always exchange birthday cards and have a special event each year to celebrate. After a couple years of not getting a card on that date, I figured it out. She has written me off.

It hurt. I will admit. I did not mean to hurt her or make her feel like I was taking advantage of her (being 'needy' after the layoff and then my mom's cancer), but I was. It still hurt though.

Now that I have been diagnosed, and especially now that the onc is moving me to stage IV, I am obsessed with connecting with this friend again.

My daughter told me to let it go. She asked why I wanted to do this. I said, "because she was my friend." My daughter said, "Really? In what way?"

She is right. I know that in my head. Why can I not let it go when I lay my head down on the pillow at night?!?

Why do I draft these elaborate letters, some angry, some mean, some pathetic and begging?

It's driving me crazy and I want it to stop but I Don't. Know. How!!

ruthbru · February 2010

Just write and say you have been thinking of her and that you want her to know that you valued the friendship you shared. Open the door, she can choose to come through it or not. Good luck. Ruth

dreamwriter · February 2010

I agree... no elaborate letters... a simple card. Dont play the cancer card.... you would never know if she responded to "poor cancer friend" or to you as an old and dear friend that drifted apart.

Give it a month.... if she does not respond.... write HER off.

konakat · February 2010

Your friend was silly. Yes, it's annoying being stood up in the restaurant but after you explained why, she should have laughed it off. She sounds a bit self-centered to me. I agree, a simple card to get in touch and open the door. But not a long letter -- if I received it I would wonder why now, why it's bothering you so much after so much time. If you do end up getting together you can tell her about the BC when you are catching up with news.

rinna40 · February 2010

I had a similar experience, a friend since grade 6. I thought we were really close. When she had troubles with another friend of ours from elementary school (they had started a business together and were not getting along), I listened to A LOT of complaining. When she had marital issues, I listened. When she had young kids and I was still single I babysat.... Then I got married and had a baby. I was thrown for a loop - never imagined that taking care of a little baby could overwhelm me like that. I called her, she scheduled a visit, then didn't show. I called her on it, said I really needed a friend and she let me down. She apologized and it got a bit better. We were both busy, so when she didn't have time for me, I let it go. Fast forward three years, I had my second baby. My hubby called all to announce the birth, and this friend did not call back. So, I figured we must have missed her by accident, so I called and left a message. No return call. So I made one last call, said I didn't understand what I had done wrong, but that if I didn't get a call back, I'd get the message. She didn't call back.

Fast forward five years. I'm diagnosed with BC, and she hears about it. She contacts me, very nervous. I accept her apology, and she says she needed to break all ties from home for personal reasons, and I was just part of that. But now she's better and wants to be a support to me. Well, she failed to show up at the look good feel better event, and then failed to confirm a lunch date. Nothing has changed except that I don't worry anymore about what I did. It's her.

This long winded response is to try to show you that if she's not been a friend it's likely that she won't be a friend. And if she didn't give you a good reason for letting the friendship go she likely doesn't have one. It probably is one time when the old adage is true - it's not you it's her.

I agree that a simple card, no mention of the cancer is best. If she doesn't respond remind yourself that it is her that misses out on your friendship.

Ezscriiibe · February 2010

Thanks everyone. Ruth, I will definitely take your advice. Hopefully it will help me get the closure I want (or think I need) regardless of whether I hear from her again or not.

Thanks to everyone else, too, I completely understand everything you all are saying. I had let it go quite a while ago (I thought) with all those same sentiments.

Why, then, is it haunting my sleepless hours now?!

It makes me feel so emotionally feeble that I can't simply "change the channel" when the thoughts enter my mind as my head is on the pillow.

I know I will never actually WRITE such a ridiculous letter to her, so why is my mind continually trying to DRAFT it?!

It's so confusing and emotionally draining.

Which is why I hope that doing as Ruth suggests, just the simple note, will successfully turn off that nozzle in my brain.

ElaineD · February 2010

Are you perhaps focusing on something quite unimportant, in order to avoid thinking about being reclassed as stage 1V? By thinking continuously about a lost friendship, which you probably know will not be recaptured, it's distracting you from the bigger picture in your life-just a thought!

ruthbru · February 2010

Send it off quick before you drive yourself crazy analyzing everything!

Ezscriiibe · February 2010

Ruth, LOL!

I dropped it in the mail this morning!

ruthbru · February 2010

Good!

dlb823 · February 2010

Hi, Michele ~ I think you're thinking about it because it was an important friendship for you at the time, and I think bc tends to make us rethink the key people in our lives, including those that didn't stick around for whatever reason. And I also think that she just might also be thinking of you. That's just a hunch, but hasn't that happened to all of us? Deanna

leaf · February 2010

As far as sleeping goes, who knows, maybe this may help. I know my situation is different than yours. I have something like PTSD, and I am not consciously aware of some of my trauma.(I say this because other people have advised that you not overanalyze.)

What has helped me to sleep in the last few years was biofeedback. You probably don't have time or money to do that right now, but essentially what you do is to try to be aware of tension in your body. You take each small section of your body at a time, and tense it as little as you can, then relax. (Tense your forehead as little as possible, then relax. Tense your scalp as little as you can and relax. Tense around your eyes as little as possible and relax. Etc throughout your body.) This helps you become more aware of tension in your body. You can take a deep breath and 'exhale' the tension in your body. I find this helpful to get to sleep.

I just would like you to be able to get a good night's sleep!

chainsawz · February 2010

Since my stage IV dx, I have trouble sleeping many nights because I am also constructing letters about things I want to say to people or things that have happened. I have learned to just give into it and go write. Then I sleep like a baby.

I hope you reconnect with your friend, but really who wants a friend like that around? A friend is someone who sticks by you thru thick and thin and forgives. Any small infraction shouldn't be the end of the friendship....that is walking on eggshells. You apologized more than once. If you need to reconnect for you, then go ahead but I don't think she deserves your friendship. My friends know that we are friends for life...no matter what! The only exceptions are if they purposely try to harm me - then they are gonna get kicked to the curb but we will talk about it first so I make sure I know what happened.

Ezscriiibe · February 2010

Thanks, leaf, I will try that.

Chainsawz, your input is helpful too. But I really don't want to reconnect with this friend! I know that I would not be able to trust that I wouldn't somehow inadvertently offend her again, and then she "punish" me again by withdrawing.

That's why it's so whacky to me that I can not shut off my brain when it wants to engage in this futile "dialog" with and about her!

I did not have the problem last night; I took my iPod to bed and fell asleep watching the "Star Trek" movie I downloaded. I did wake up again around 4:00 am, but just to go potty and went right back to bed and fell asleep.

jteach · February 2010

I wouldn't reach out to her if she were the last person on Earth. She should have understood. She should have been there for you more than ever before when you missed your lunch date with her. What kind of a friend knows that you are caring for your mom and dealing with all the feelings that come with that responsibility walks away? You are a better person than I am. I think that woman is self-centered and I don't think having her in your life right now would be healthy for YOU. Take care of YOU.

Reaching out to an old friend??

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