Drifting away from my husband

Diane,

I fully understand where you are at the moment. Believe me you are not alone in that place.

I cry, feel guilty for what has happened to my family, and wish that I could have one day in which I don't think about cancer.  My family don't want to hear about it and they don't understand how I feel (how could they??)

Me and everyone on these boards are here for you and we do understand.  Use the wisdom , love and friendship of the women on the boards to get through all of this.  True friendship are being made everyday here.

Everyone is going through different stages of the cancer and everyone reacts to the stress of it differently.  Have faith in your husband he is probably just trying to get his head around everything too.  My relationship with my husband has changed and is like yours at the moment but I trust him and he has stood by me.  I know that because of it our relationship will be stronger..it just has to be after what we have endured.  I hope that yours will be too!

 Big hugs

Viv 

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and to anyone else in need of a hug

We are all in this together.

Viv

It must be difficult to have to add this to your other struggles.  My husband and I were just talking about how much compassion he has.  I was just diagnosed in December and so am not in any of your exact situations.  One thing that I think helps my husband is that he went through thyroid cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes 7 years ago.  Everytime he goes for his full body scan, we both get nervous and a little edgy.  After the results and the "all clear", we always celebrate.  Hopefully next Spring we will be celebrating for me!!!  It took me 5 years before I quit searching out info about thyroid cancer. 

I can't even imgaine what you are going through. It's one of the key fears that I have, as well. In my case, my husband is about 8 years younger than I am. It's the "elephant in the room," and I hope I have the courage at some point to address it with him.

Ladies - it is very hard to go through everything we have to go through with dx and tx. Of course it is going to change us. That is unavoidable. I am just finishing up treatment in the next few months and can really see how much I have changed (and am still changing). I will never be the person i was before all this happened.
I think men (or some men, anyway) may want to 'get through it' and then get back to normal and they don't realize that that will not be the case.  This board has been a SANITY-SAVER for me and while others in my life may not understand that, I feel no pressure to explain it to them. WE understand it!

I will offer one suggestion.  When I was dx, I really freaked out and the doctors wanted me on xanax and then on prozac to help me function. I didn't want to do that, and did find other ways of coping and regaining my stability as time went on. But I did agree to see the cancer psychologist monthly to make sure I was doing ok through treatment. I saw her 6x and it was actually very helpful.  My point to this long story is...when I was starting Tamoxifen, I had a lot of fears (from some stuff I read online here) that it might turn me very emotional and/or edgy/irritable/explosive. I knew that would not work with our marriage because my husband is used to me being the opposite of that.  So i was very afraid it might happen. I brought him with me to two sessions with the cancer psych to discuss my concerns and ways to handle it if it happened.  Turns out, the Tamox didn't affect my moods at all and everythign is fine. But the sessions were helpful. And they might be helpful for you as well, if there is that resource where you are being treated.  The woman we saw deals ONLY with cancer patients so it isn't 'regular therapy' but is targeted speciifcally to what you are going through.  If you are not able to get to a better place with your spouse or partner, i would not hesitate to see a professional who serves the cancer population and insist that your spouse goes with you. The counselor will help them see what you are going through and help them handle it better and be more supportive.

Just an idea to consider. I know it helped me.

Good luck to all. This is hard stuff.Thank God we have each other.

Amy

OMG your kidding me. I just wrote a long ass post and then I hit something and the entire thing disappeared before my eyes, and I am a hunt and peck kinda gal.

I wrote how we are really alike and our men are really alike, only they wont admit to it.

How do we get them to group or anything to be with other guys that are going through the same thing and can get to talk to them and then maybe...........I said maybe...................... they can start to see its OK how we are changing and it is from the cancer, we have become aware of alot of things we would not have otherwise taken an interest in.

We still love them and want them but what I really think we have discovered, is that we dont NEED them anymore.

Sorry that was a little harsh I didnt mean to say all of your husbands dont understand just most of them dont. But I really want them see a little of our side of it.

One said her husband understood a little because he had fought Cancer too. My Boyfriend once had a Mamo because he felt a lump in his breast. It turned out to be OK just a fatty cyst, but he totally feels for us goin to the Boobie crusher Dr.

I dont wish cancer on anyone ever, but they are missing out in this wonderful relationship all us BC Sisters are having. Ya know this is a very painful friendship we are having!

Gotta get some shut eye my man comes home tomorrow, he's been out of town for the past week. I really miss him. We like a break now and then, him with the guys and I take off now and then to visit with my Daughters. But the best thing is when he comes home I get that warm fuzzy feeling inside like when we were first dating. I hate when it starts to fade again. Its way past my bedtime if I get a minute with my coffee I'll be back on here checkin all the chats. nighty, night. ;-}

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Hi ladies,

This is a great topic!  I want you all to know that I think this is all part of the healing.  Once I had finished my treatments and surgery, I finally allowed myself to grieve and be angry.   It was a tough few months.  My sweet husband had been wonderful throughout.  I think there was a point that he too was tired and probably even angry we had to go through all of this.  It was so hard putting back on my old life.  It just did not seem to fit anymore.  I started pulling away from everyone including my sweet husband.  The good news is time does heal.  Life goes on and you will be able to eventually be able to get back on the merry go round.  Try reaching out to your husband.  Think of something really fun that you both enjoy.  This cancer is so consuming.  I have a thought about this.  We are spending so much time trying to heal that we never get to address our emotional loss.  No one can know what we have been through.  That is the best part about this board.  It gives us an opportunity to see that everything we think and feel is normal.  There is no time frame.  It just happens one stage after another.  I was not prepared for drifting away.  I had been so positive throughout the entire ordeal, but I truly believe the sadness, anger, and drifting were part of the healing.  Hang in there!  You can not hurry through any of this.  Let the tears fall.  They are cleansing.  It is ok to be drifting, angry, sad or whatever emotion you are currently experiencing.  The biggest thing is you cannot stay here forever.  Stay as long as you need to, but when you are ready embrace your life again.   

Lindagarside,

Thank you!  I just want to help others as I have just gone through this.  It was so unexpected, but the more I read it is so normal.  That alone gave me peace and hope.   

Aw, Suzanne, hugs to you. I think we all can relate to that sort of situation.

My husband is about 8 years younger than me. Which was not a big deal when I was in my 30s or even in my 40s, but now, in my early 50s, with this horrible fight I'm in the middle of, it makes me wonder.

I told him the other night, "You sure got the short end of this stick, didn't you!" He was incredibly supportative and said that he can't imagine having another friend and lover as good as the one he got! All he wants to do right now is take all this away from me, but since he can't, he just wants to be the best friend and helper he can be.

Suzanne-I am 8 months past the expander phase (got the implant in July 09) and it's a still a "no touch" zone. There is no feeling there. No nipple. It doesn't turn me on. It offends me.  She may look real to him but I get nothing from it and it is still such an emotionally painful experience what I have lost there. For him to seek or find pleasure there is offensive to me and I have told him so. He doesn't underdstand that. Thank God I still have the other one. When I look in the mirror I don't feel horrified at what I see. It's a shape. It does it's job, but it is not a breast. I wish he would stop thinking of it as such.

I was having this discussion with my fellow survivor friend last night. I think you are right, motherdearest, we have changed. I spent 23 years raising children, taking care of everyone else. Then a year came when everyone else took care of me. I got all that attention. He didn't like that. He gets all the attention from his job and thinks it should be his turn now. He is resentful that 18 months out from dx, that I am taking back the stage for myself. But it really had less to do with the breast cancer as much than it does our kids have grown and are more independent of me. I found out during that year through treatment, that my kids are capable of taking care of themselves and I patted myself on the back and moved on. He still wishes I were that care taker mom who does everything around the house so that they (or at least HE)  have to do nothing. I guess that makes him feel loved (?) It makes me feel taken advantage of. It's warped. It is not right.

I found in myself through breast cancer that we are all responsible for our own happiness. If me not catering to every whim and wish makes you unhappy, then it is you who needs to change your expectations.

My husband doesn't like me sharing with him the many stories about friends newly diagnosed, or anything at all related to breast cancer. He wishes it would all just go away. He doesn't see that it became a part of me. It became a passion of mine to help others get through it and to share what I learned. I took off in a different direction that I never planned, but he didn't come on board.

In the year of treatment I grew a business at home that has become successful and I think he resents the fact that it takes up a ton of my time and the house has sort of never gotten back to its pre-treatment and has gone down hill (I don't like it much either but I also hate house work anyways!). I have to do what makes me happy. My family is fed, there is food in the house and the clothes are clean. That doesn't seem to be enough. The bottom line is that all of those things are what I think made my husband feel loved and now he doesn't have a clean/tidy house or sex so he's definitely not happy. But that doesn't mean he isn't loved. How do I find a way for us to communicate with our different love languages. I don't speak his language anymore.

I agree that we are all responsible for our own happiness. I know that most of you, like me are mothers. I have 3 daughters and 2 stepkids (boy & girl). My daughters were grown when I met my DH and have been quite independent all their lives, and have been able to take care of themselves since they were real small. My stepkids on the other hand are currently teens and can't even manage their own lunch money, won't pick up after themselves, etc. But, I have to admit, my DH didn't do a terrible job considering he had raised them for several years by himself.

Anyway, being a mother, mother instincts take over. We tend to take care of everyone around us. So when it comes our turn for someone to take care of us, it's hard to let go - at least it was for me. It was hard for my mother, too. She was diagnosed with bc when she was 49 and we had to make her let us take care of her. She suffered a lot more than I did and that was when my daughters really had to start taking care of them because their father had no empathy at all.

In saying all of this, after I finally allowed my DH to care for me, which he did quite well, I kinda liked it. However, after chemo was over with and 1st surgery, He decided that things were back to normal. So now, I am back to my regular job only taking off a few hours on the days I have my fills, working with my DH in the evenings, I pick up after everyone (except somedays I just step over). Part of me wants to be spoiled and get attention, while the other part of me wants all of this to be over and I think that is what my DH is thinking by "allowing me to get back to normal".

In the meantime, I still have the emotions and discomforts that I don't like. Need hugs!

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Suzanne

i certainly wish you luck and i think you'll be fine.

i am basically disconnected from my husband because I'm a loner.  We have a great relationship, i love him and he's happy, I'm happy.. but sometimes I look at him and think 'where did he come from?"

anyway, we all of sudden decided to buy a property and move.  I feel chagrined because he is so excited about planning things with me and being with me.  I feel bad because I always try to be an artist - a musician and  well, I feel bad because I haven't put 'effort' into our relationship.. it never really occurred to me to work on it.

I'm just sharing.  I don't know if this would be applicable to you... maybe I'm suggesting that you plan something totally different than cancer to do together.. I am really pleased to see my husband so happy.