Why am I so angry now that I'm almost done?

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I wonder how many of us have post traumatic stress disorder.  Cancer and its treatment is certainly traumatic.  Even after treatment ends there is a cloud over us that some days can dim the sun.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/DS00246/DSECTION=symptoms

"When to see a doctor
It's normal to have a wide range of feelings and emotions after a traumatic event. The feelings you experience may include fear and anxiety, a lack of focus, sadness, changes in sleeping or eating patterns, or bouts of crying that come easily. You may have recurrent nightmares or thoughts about the event. This doesn't mean you have post-traumatic stress disorder.

But if you have these disturbing feelings for more than a month, if they're severe, or if you feel you're having trouble getting your life back under control, consider talking to your health care professional. Getting treatment as soon as possible can help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

• Irritability or anger
• Overwhelming guilt or shame
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
• Trouble sleeping
• Being easily startled or frightened
• Hearing or seeing things that aren't there"

Sido-I feel exactly the same way... The doctors lie and only tell you what 'they think' you should know. I really don't think they do care. I've only had the mx and I feel amputated. I have lymphedma and constant pain. I feel as if I was disloyal to my body by allowing this to happen to it. I have refused chemo, rads and hormone therapy-they've taken too much from me already. I have changed my lifestyle and diet in an effort to make my body healthier.

Sido,

I completely agree that the current treatment for cancer is barbaric.  I hated every second of radiation knowing that the machine was primitive and the targeting was far from pinpoint. Even 10 years from now things will be better, but now is where we are and now is what we have to live with. 

When Spring comes cultivate a garden even if you have to do it in pots.  It is the best therapy for a broken heart.  That is what we have, broken hearts. 

May you be well and happy.

I am also feeling that anger.  I am angry when friends ask me how I am:  Why remind me I am ill? Do they only see me as a disease now!    I am angry when friends don't ask how I am doing: Don't they care about me? 

I was also very distressed about the photos. The tech was dismissive - I burst into tears.  She then made a stupid insensitive inappropriate comment.  I wanted to slap her silly (my arm tingled...)   I hope that she has gotten a clue.   Or a slap.  Whatever.

 Sometimes I feel like I am in deep water but surrounded by a supportive community - I am swimming with dolphins and I have been issued a life jacket to stay afloat.  Sometims my fight-or-flight instinct takes over and adrenaline rules. I feel like I have been dumped in a shark tank, I am screaming for a bang stick, and the medical team keep tossing me inflatable ducky floats. Of course they couldn't do their jobs if they jumped in the water to do battle with my fear and anger.  But I feel like everyone around me - not just the medical team - is acting like it is just another day at the beach and that really upsets me.  So I am online today to find other people in the water, people who aren't telling me to "imagine happy thoughts, rainbows, and dolphins."   I don't want to change from feeling like shark bait to being a shark and biting chunks out of everyone around me.  I am reading your posts to try to figure out how to fight off or fight thru or swim away from fear and anger.  

Peel,

How wonderful to here the word bang-stick.  I didn't know that people even dove with them anymore.  I hope you can some day dive the waters of the southern coast of Cuba, crystal clear and a warm 82'F. 

   Back to the topic.

I understand how you feel. I think we all feel the anger and for all of us, the anger comes out at a different target or focus. For me the focus was the people around me who I knew had no concept of how I felt or what I'd been through emotionally and didnt seem to care what I was up against in the future on an emotional level. The stupid comments etc just made my blood boil. I went to a lazy pathetic excuse for a social worker due to my anger - not knowing that she was, and also living in a country town and not having a lot of options in terms of therapists. I could tell that she didnt understand, and didnt care, and at one point said to me "Are you angry because people arent being sympathetic enough" - imagine my anger over that one. It's almost two years for me now, and I feel that Ive pretty much worked through the anger. I still feel it though, but not to the raging extent I did during my treatment and for the 12 months afterwards. Im mainly feeling annoyed now that at almost the two year mark I get the "Are you well?" question from people; to my ears it comes across as though they are waiting or expecting something to happen and theyre checking...the crap from other women who havent had breast cancer just never ends, and that is what I have found to be the hardest thing to deal with and what has made me so angry.

Have you ever heard of Synchronised Breathing therapy,

It does wonder!!, you can do this when you get tensed or anger or even when you are stressful.

 
http://www.soberrecovery.com/

I forgot to add I have a new lump - which I had checked out months ago (my surgeon passed away suddenly - Loved that man!) the answer was it is probably just a fatty tissue deposit and too small to biopsy, from the Onco, Breast Recon Surgeon, "nothing to worry about" - except it is twice the size now...exhaling on a sigh...so Friday is another Mammogram, without my Oncologist, just a routine one, thought I'd wait to see if they noticed this new deformity forming over my reconstructed breast...now visible under my skin.

WoW, I can relate to this comment. I am angry when people ask how I am doing and angry when they don't. I thought what is wrong with me? I feel fine for a while, no emotions one way or another and they out of the blue, I start to cry or I get so angry. I feel as though I have changed inside, but everything is the same old same old. I am angry that I have gone through this and nothing has changed. It's back to worrying about bills, work, day to day crap. It started with ending my treatment and I contacted my employer to come back to work part-time for a while and few days later was told not only did I have to return to work 40 hrs/week, but no restrictions and they were posting my job as of that day. The only reason I complied with their wishes was my insurance had been messed up for 3 months and I couldn't afford to pay cobra for the previous 3 months.

That was my welcome back from bc and it's been down hill from there. Actually when I returned to work I was treated as though I had been on some world cruise and people were jealous and somewhat cruel, not helpful. I have even been disappointed in my family, we have just picked up where we left off, no real changes to improve the quality of life. My best friend use to call every weekend, now that it appears that things are out of the woods, it's back to an occassional call.  I sometimes feel as though I am in a room screaming and no one hears me. I just give people what they want, a smile and to not be reminded that life can be fragile. I guess what is depressing is that it is alarming how easy people just move on and leave you behind. Oh yeah, forgot to mention have lympedema, since 4th week of surgery, but people blow that off as well. I guess this is part of the process, hopefully I'll feel better in a few years.  Hopefully, eventually the good days will outweigh the bad days.