How do you get past the fear?

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Joanie207
Joanie207 Member Posts: 97
edited June 2014 in LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)

I am scheduled for a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with immediate DIEP on March 15th. Today I was booked for my pre-admission testing and blood donation on February 23rd. I am freaking out. When it was 6 months away, I was okay with it. I want to have this all behind me and not worry about every little change in my breast/mammogram/MRI. I don't want to waste so much time doing online research and worrying. I want the surgery, but now that it is right around the corner I am very scared.

To prepare, I am updating my will, giving my DH power of attorney, organizing all my things, creating photobooks for my girls, etc. It's as if I am not coming back. I know I am, but I am scared that this will change my life so much that it may never be the same.

I have chosen tops docs in Boston and feel confident in them, but am still pretty scared. Has anyone else felt this way? And, if so, how did you get over this hump. I visualize myself being so scared that I walk out of the hospital just before my surgery. I know this is all silly, but at the same time very real.

Today, I had to cancel several medical appts that were scheduled for the time that I will be away. One of those was my annual mammogram - it was bittersweet that I won't need mammograms any longer, but very very sad at the same time.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2010

    Joanie207 this is a very scary and difficult time. I had bilateral mastectomy on Jan 12 and can relate to what you are feeling right now.  I did similar things as what you are talking about, like I wasn't going to be normal for a very long time.  I did not have immediate reconstruction, as I need to get final pathology to see all what I am dealing with and it was going to be too difficult to coordinate two surgeons quickly. So although I realize my recovery is much different, it is so much better on this side of things.

    Prior to surgery I started taking long walks listening to very upbeat songs on my ipod. This did help, plus I thought it was helping me just physically prepare for surgery.

    Take Care

    Cathy

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  • SherryAF
    SherryAF Member Posts: 20
    edited January 2010

    Hi, Joanie. I was diagnosed with stage 1b invasive lobular and also invasive ductile carcinoma in late October 2009. Three weeks ago (Jan 5) I had bilateral mastectomies with immediate reconstruction (free TRAM). I know what you mean about getting past the fear; for me, I have a strong faith in God, and I feel like that, along with an extremely supportive husband, has been what has helped me, but I realiize that not all people have that.

    I have felt like my life since the diagnosis has been surreal; but things are better. I try to do things that make me happy, and every day I count my blessings that this was caught early. I am able to go for walks now, and I try to do that every day.

    It feels very weird to me, too, that I won't be having any more mammograms. And I have to tell you that I have shed more than a few tears, but the crying is getting less.

    I hope things go well with your surgery.

    Sherry

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  • snowiecal
    snowiecal Member Posts: 4
    edited February 2010

    Hi Joanie, I understand totally what you are going through. I was diagnosed with LCIS  Jan 14,2010 after the radiologist spotted a suspicious calcification.  No biopsy was done since they were not sure they could get the correct area with a needle.  I had a lumpectomy done and was diagnosed.  I have been seeing different Dr's almost every week since then and have come to the decision that I want a PM done.  I am suppose to call my surgeon tomorrow and already the fear has set in.  The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I will not have to worry about LCIS once the PM is done.  I find I think like you do....will I make it out alive...what can go wrong.  Keeping myself busy with my daughter's wedding plans and Praying that I WILL be here to see her walk down the aisle.  Hoping that talking with others, like myself, who are going thru this will help.  I will say a prayer for you (if you believe in a higher being) that all goes well.  Have faith.

    Claire 

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  • Joanie207
    Joanie207 Member Posts: 97
    edited February 2010

    Hi Claire -

    Thank you. Yes, the missing piece for me is connecting with people who have faced the same decision or are facing the same decision regarding PBM. Everyone I know (BC survivors and non-BC friends) all agree that I am doing the right thing. So thanks for reaching out. 

    I am scared, but determined to get this monkey off my back. I did see a thread on post mastectomy pain syndrome and was about ready to back out, but friends told me to stop getting on the internet. But I figure I am in a good place for the PBM right now. I won't have to have the SNB and can have nipple sparing procedure if I want.I won't have to do the wait and watch. However I do worry about it all.

    They did move my surgery from March 15th to the 29th.  And yes I do appreciate all the prayers I can get!!!! Please stay in touch. It reallty helps to have someone else facing the same decision. I do have a blog (see profile). I haven't updated it lately, but will.

    One good thing about LCIS and PBM is that you can choose the timing. You don't have to do it now. I was going to do it last fall, but decided that spring would work better for my schedule and my family's schedule. The bc risk increases with age, so there is time to do this on your terms.

     Congratulations on your daughter's wedding!!! How wonderful!!

    Joanie 

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited February 2010

    Joanie..hang in there...you will come out of this..JUST FINE!  Surgery is always scary..I had a lumpectomy but still had to be put under..never had done that before...when they gave me the drugs to "calm" me down (didn't work)..I told my husband that if I died during surgery that he needed to get married again because I didn't want him to be alone...then when they woke me up..I woke up fighting..demanding this and that..they were glad to get me out of there..!

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  • Stonebrook108
    Stonebrook108 Member Posts: 237
    edited February 2010

    Joan,

    I sent you a private message 

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  • CharlestonGirl
    CharlestonGirl Member Posts: 161
    edited February 2010

    Joan, I had BMx followed by immediate bilateral SGAP. I got worried because the PS said it would be a long surgery. Thinking about that part was scary, It's hard to give control of your body to someone else like that. No one is happy to have to undergo major surgery. But there are constant happy endings and I expect yours will be that. My stage 1 surgery was last March. I had stage 2 in November and tatts in January. So I've been through the cycle and am on the other side.

    Your life will never be the same, true, but in a GOOD way. LCIS is a risk factor for future BC. You are CRUSHING that! You will replace the risk tissue with other tissue. It will all be you, just in slightly different places. You are a warrior and you are preparing to battle. You don't fool around, either!

    Regardless of whether you were facing surgery, it is a smart move to get your will and POA in place. It's adding a bit of fear on your plate, perhaps because you are facing surgery and you've been exposed to the fear of cancer. It's nice that you are creating photobooks for your girls. That gives them a gift that you'll be able to look at for many years down the road. So get all that done and then forget about that part. Wills and POAs should be reviewed every so often and you'll always have photos to file. Try not to associate that with your surgery once it is done. Doing these things just means you are preparing for the rest of your life,

    I will tell you that after I awoke from surgery I felt the greatest sense of relief and calm in knowing that I did the right thing.

    Ask your doc to recommend a therapist if your fear escalates to a level that you are finding it difficult to deal with. Get the business accomplished that you need to and then fill your days with humour and joy. Before you know it, you will be back home and on the way to recovery.

     Best of luck, health and happiness to you now and for the next 70 years.

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