Not so proud of myself

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Mamita49
Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Actually, I am doing great. All news are good news. I am an extensive metabolizer, I do exercise a lot per week, eat well, live well. STILL,

I still cry, I still feel that its not fair, I still cant talk to some people, I still feel ashamed of having gotten this cancer I never though I would ever get. I dont want to see some old friends, cause I am afraid of confrontation, of being looked at, judged,

PITTY YOU.........I should walk with my head up,telling myself that it is not my fault, that this could have happend to anyone' But there I am, wanting to be so normal, knowing I am not.

wanting to forget, will never do,

wanting to go to the docs with a smile, but still cry

wanting to never ever have worried my girls, but feel guilty that I did

wanting to look at the color pink and think about barbie, but I do think about breast cancer

wanting to eat junk food and feel free of any worries

wanting to be a volunteer at the cancer wellness center, rather than a client

wanting to know and feel that I will turn 60 years one day, take this as a normal thing on earth, not as a blessing,

wanting to be grateful for the girls I have, not for each day I can have being with them 

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  • Morgan513
    Morgan513 Member Posts: 664
    edited February 2010

    You have said it all....

    You put in to words what I feel. 

    Lorrie 

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  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited February 2010

    Beautiful... thank you for sharing that.   Tami

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited February 2010

    Mamita,

    Everything you feel is so normal.  We've all gone through that, and still do from time to time.  But honestly, I look more closely at the lives of those around me, and I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I'm also a lot happier than many of my friends who have never gone through this.  "It is what it is" is such a liberating quote.  I hope that you can so get past some of these things and allow yourself to be happy and hopeful again.

    Many Hugs

    Bobbie

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  • AsiaYM
    AsiaYM Member Posts: 2,216
    edited February 2010

    Good for you to get it all out of your chest!  I am with you!

    Karen

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  • YATCOMW
    YATCOMW Member Posts: 664
    edited February 2010

    "wanting to be a volunteer at the cancer wellness center, rather than a client"

     I say that all the time when I get to the cancer center and the girls at the counter know my name when I walk in.......I tell them that I don't want them to know my name unless it is at a bar like "cheers"

     Jacqueline 

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited February 2010

    Carol - I was just thinking to myself yesterday that I would love to just sit around and eat nothing but bacon for a week! But I feel like I can't. I feel like I have to eat well and exercise and do all those good things all the time. And I think of what I have been through in the last year, and worse what my family has been through, and I wonder why it happened, and why it happened to us and not someone else. And sometimes I just think it is all colossally unfair.

    And I think that is normal - we all would have liked this never to have happened to us. But, it did. Nothing we can do can change that. But we do have control over how we go forward from it. Life isn't fair for anyone. Everyone has there struggles. And, as Bobbie says, I also think, in spite of it all,  I am actually still happier than a lot of people I know.

    I remember last summer chatting "over the fence" to my neighbour - she was all concerned about me, and how I was doing, etc. But about 10 minutes later we heard her and her husband have one of their many screaming matches, and I remember thinking how I felt sorry for her! What happened to us is big and huge, but there are people living with unhappiness in their lives every day.

    I just try to think of all the good things I have in my life. And to be grateful for them. 

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited February 2010

    Yep - thats it!

    Ironically - I was asked to volunteer at Gildas club (cancer wellness center essentially) and start an exercise challenge/group.  They asked me to become a member first - I said, ok - as long as I dont have to go to support meetings.  I will help, I will cheer on my sisters and brothers, but I will not sit in a support group meeting.  Nope.

    You are doing great Carol - one foot in front of the other. Laugh as much as possible, live as loud as possible and enjoy EVERYMINUTE!

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited February 2010

    You said it perfectly................... Although we put on the happy/survivor face and walk out of the door with out heads held high - those feelings are there. 

    I had someone ask me yesterday how I was "really" doing.  I guess she wanted to dig into a place I choose not to go.  I told her I was fine and don't go there.............  I get through each day with laughter and the joy of knowing I have wonderful family and friends.  Which you have!!! You are doing wonderful............laugh............play............and have fun!

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  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited February 2010

    Kerry & Jenn hit the nail on the head, yes we have faced cancer, but most (not all) of us come out of it knowing what kind of families we have. All of my family have gone above and beyond for me since dx. I knew they were special before but now they are down right amazing.

    As for the ones that dropped out of my life, I'm better off without them. I would prefer to be surrounded by a few who really care then a million who ACT like they care. As far as shame, I really didn't feel ashamed, I know I didn't do anything to cause this. The doctors point and say this caused it, that caused it, but they really don't know. I think they are just stabbing in the dark for a reason for why it happens. When people used to talk about karma that bothered me, because I knew if there were such a thing none of the people I knew who has had cancer deserved it. I don't think anyone deserves cancer or any illness, but sadly it is a part of life. Anyway you did nothing to deserve or to bring cancer to you, it is evil and cruel and this in no way reflects who or what you are all about. Hold your head up, shoulder's back and walk tall.

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited February 2010

    Hi Carol,

    You couldn't have said it better!  I have been pretty down in the dumps and in pain the last few days and of course thinking it's the cancer spreading.  It's so hard sometimes not to feel the way you are.  I don't want people's pity either and I HATE being freakin bald!  It's funny too because I generally just wear a bandana w/a baseball cap unless I'm going someplace special, and sometimes "forget" that people probably still notice my baldness under the hat.  Every once in a while someone will give me a funny look and then I remember.  Sucks doesn't it?   And I've been thinking a lot lately about my kids, how I can't leave them, don't want to, am not ready damn it!    I'm 47 and feel like there is so much more for me to do, that this CAN'T be it!  I refuse to believe that, but yet it's still there.

    So, you have NOTHING to not be proud of---you are fighting this in every way you can!  And definitely posting here is the right thing to do.  Don't keep it all in.  Now if I could practice what I preach! :))

    Take care,

    Sharon

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited February 2010

    Carol....beautiful....you said it all....Hugs, karen

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited February 2010

    Awesome posts everyone.  My dear cousin started saying the quote "It is what it is" to me when I was 1st dx.  I find it brings me peace.  A closer relationship with her is one of the good things that came out of all of this. 

    I am 'still' longing for the day when I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.  I know I should be happy that I am getting hair again, blah, blah, blah.   But, I still feel guilty for getting sick and putting my loved ones through all of this.  And, I still am not happy with what I see in the mirror.  I never realized the affect that this was going to have on my self esteem.  I look in the mirror and think... really this is me??  Sure is a test of one's patience.

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  • Mamita49
    Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
    edited February 2010

    Beverly11,

     same here..........OMG, you really know it. Its so unreal, so weird......I still cant believe it sometimes, STILL. is that me.......

    Take time to heal. lots of time 

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  • Abbey11
    Abbey11 Member Posts: 335
    edited February 2010

    What a beautiful post.  You put into words the fears and insecurities we all have.  Oh, to have just one whole day when we don't think about breast cancer, when we're not scared, when we don't feel so sad, when our kids, husband and parents don't have to worry....what a gift that would be.  Instead, we just muddle through and try to find the good in every day and try to push the bad thoughts to the back of our minds.  Here's wishing everyone positive thoughts and peace of mind.  (((Hugs))) to us all.

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  • fighting4mykids
    fighting4mykids Member Posts: 69
    edited February 2010

    I could have written this post.  Thank you for letting me know it's okay to feel this way and that I am not alone in my thoughts. Thank you.

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited February 2010

    Thank you all for your posts.  I needed this today!  Some days are like that.  And, I truly know you all know!!!!  If only, we could have had this all happen and then be done with it.  But, like Every Minute says - live as loud as possible and laugh as much as possible and enjoy every minute.   Don't have any regrets!!

    Hugs to you all

    Bev

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  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited February 2010

    You know, Everyone gets this here. It is a joy you brought it up. Thank you!

    So many people tell me how good I look... etc... blah!  They say.. I am just the same Laura again.

    I finally am "ok" enough to let everyone know that Laura died June 25th, 2008. She is gone. It is ok now.

    I feel good introducing myself today, Another Laura.

    I feel so sorry for that little girl that got cancer in 08'.I pray for her still.

    Today, I am LJ. I pray for her too.I am comfortable in my new shoes. It takes time sisters!

    Gods Love!

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