My first original Rant* Cleaned up

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cherneski
cherneski Member Posts: 726
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

This is my original post that got me banned here because I didnt black out some cuss words, and I guess some people couldnt handle my anger towards this damn DISease. I am pretty sure I blanked out all the words that needed to go this time, if not please let me know so I dont get banned again. Here goes Tongue out

"About a week ago, I posted a question about recon. As my ps told me I could not do immediate recon because of how heavy I smoke. So I would have liked very much to find out if others had gone through this.
My avatar at the time was f*%k cancer . Although I did not get an answer I was told that my avatar offended someone because she really did not like the f word. I changed my avatar because I do not want to be offensive to anyone and certainly don't want to alienate anyone on this board from me.

I waited for a response for someone that might be help me. No response to my question just that changing my avatar was positive and that fighting cancer with a positive attitude is so golly gee nice !

By the way I quit smoking 2 weeks ago.
Bilateral mastectomy was done Wednesday May 6 th, SNB, no recon, no TEs.
Went home with drains and no breasts on Thursday.
My 4 children are scattered with family so that my husband can take care of me. Thank God for them and him.  My best friend of 8 years for some reason decided that this was all way too much for her to handle and she bailed on me. Yes I mean bailed, WTX (abreviation of what the XXXX). Trust me many more people have stepped up in her place
My 6 year old keeps telling me it is kinda weird that I don't have boobs anymore. My 4 year old left the hospital in tears because I started throwing up in front of him.
My husband has turned into a rock, but I watch him as he weeps quietly when he thinks I am sleeping. My 14 year old daughter asked me today if she can still stay at her friend's house today.
Yes I tell her and she breaks down with uncontrollable tears! Are you sure this isn't going to kill you?
Are you sure it won't come back? What if it comes back? Are you sure you are ok? What if it kills you?
I assured her the best I could that we are doing ALL that we can to get this shit the he!! out of my body! I will fight it! And I have so many people fighting with me! F@ck Cancer! I will win this one.

We cried and held each other the best we can with my drains, and off she went. Because at 14 you know that was way too much emotion to deal with.
That is fine I will hold her more later.
If my writings of MY real life and MY real feelings offend you, please do not read anything I write. I will not go after any one person.
BUT you are damn right I am not going to be kind to cancer!
To have a positive attitude, I do.
F&*K Cancer!
Get the he!! out of my body!
Stay away from me and my family!
How dare you make my family cry!
The F word offends you?!
The word cancer offends me!
It has stolen family and friends from me. It is selfish and evil. The F word is a slang~big deal. Cancer had given me more than I care to have ever wanted and taken more that I can ever explain. I am tired of what it has done already. This is a fight I did not wish to get into, I asked several times for the bully to back off and it didn't. Well now it is on!
I will not fight you with a positive attitude!
F YOU! I will however be positve to the GREAT things I have in life. My family, my friends. They are true blessings and I will not take them for granted. However I will show no respect for cancer.
Cancer has taken me from a self confident independent woman, mother, wife and friend to a lost little kid in the mall.
The best part about the lost little kid is I was not her for very long. I may feel alone for a short time, but then there is someone who comes and reminds me what I am all about! I am not cancer, cancer is not me. F*ck cancer! To all of us fighting our way to where ever we are going, here is to you!

Luv Deb"

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  • janincanada
    janincanada Member Posts: 258
    edited February 2010

    Love it Deb!  My attitude exactly.....I have told many people thoughout this journey that I have Cancer, but it does not have me! I refuse to give in and will fight this demon with every breathe that I take.  I totally agree with you about the toll that it takes on your family.  It is hard to watch.  Friends have also bailed on me leading me to believe that they werent true friends.  Rant on my friend, rant on.  CANCER SUCKS! 

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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited February 2010

     You go sister! xo

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  • justpayton1
    justpayton1 Member Posts: 786
    edited February 2010

    Thank-you so much for reposting, I must have missed it the 1st time around.

    I am sitting here w/ tear running down my face. Its like you reached in and pulled out my feelings and fears and put them into words.

    THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH- finally someone gets it.

    rant on

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  • weesa
    weesa Member Posts: 707
    edited February 2010

    Cherneski, you are the best most accomplished, most heart-felt rant-er I have ever run across. I don't care what words you use, I'll always get you, admire you, root for you...

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited February 2010

    Thank you for sharing - you say what a lot of us feel and want to say!! 

    I love reading your post.

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited February 2010

    I admired your rant and loved your avatar.  The rant was perfect.  Heartfelt and heartbreaking too.  Never should have been banned. Grrrrr.

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  • kim40
    kim40 Member Posts: 904
    edited February 2010
    Debi - I love  your rants.  You are not afraid of saying what so many of us are feeling! It never should have been banned.  I loved your avatar too! Smile
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  • lindahopes
    lindahopes Member Posts: 1
    edited February 2010

    I just registered and signed on to find a post to reply to and yours is the first one that inspired me to post!!  I was diagnosed for the SECOND time in Novemeber almost exactly 6 years after the first diagnosis.  You have perfectly expressed my feelings--keep ranting!!

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  • AnneW
    AnneW Member Posts: 4,050
    edited February 2010

    Excellent rant.

    Did you ever get your questions answered about recon and smoking? Do you need/want help/advice about dealing with the kids? (They suffer so much.) The whole family is suffering. You, at least, are venting. Sounds like you are ready to turn that anger into action. You go, girl.

    Anne

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  • ananda8
    ananda8 Member Posts: 2,755
    edited February 2010

    cherneski,

    Great rant.  Good for you.   May you and your family be well and happy.

    For the person or persons who objected to the moderators about the language used in the original post,

    Putting words before people is a poor way to go through life.  I wish that your heart(s) will be filled with loving kindness rather than harsh judgments.

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  • kimber3006
    kimber3006 Member Posts: 586
    edited February 2010

    I didn't get to see it the first time around either.  Just as others said, it's how so many of us feel and can't find the words to express.  Love it!

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2010

    That was such a righteous rant, Deb!

    And it brings to mind the hilarious "sanitized" poetic version Apple wrote "for the easily offended":
    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/6/topic/734074?page=1#post_1355090

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited February 2010

    Apple's post was brilliant!

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  • victoriasecret
    victoriasecret Member Posts: 333
    edited February 2010

    Deb love that post ...ok you were thinking of a new career ...Andy Rooney is just about to retire apply !!!

    ml C

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited February 2010

    Deb....I love it....missed it the first time around...the F word does not offend me and unfortunately (or maybe not) my kids have heard it spew from my mouth....at least my 11 year old knows not to say it...the big kids, I'm sure have used it....of course my memory stinks so I don't remember....You say what we all wish we could say...I agree with victoriasecret....apply for Andy Rooney's job....Hugs to you....and keep posting your rants....Karen

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  • C130sunshine
    C130sunshine Member Posts: 174
    edited February 2010

    You go girl......keep on ranting!!!!!!

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  • tamlyn110
    tamlyn110 Member Posts: 195
    edited February 2010

    Wow, you brought out all my emotions in that one. Very well stated. I love reading your posts.

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  • anniebford
    anniebford Member Posts: 128
    edited February 2010

    Hi Deb,

    I didn't realize you got banned. I just figured your were busy being your bada@@ self (gotta be careful with my verbage now that I know the threat of banning is real dontcha know). Heehee. I'm glad to see you're back, and in fine form it sounds like. Ranting is good and helps purge the pent up frustration and anger with this stupid, effin disease. Effin spelled like that makes me think of smurfs and elves and all kinds of cutesy things that the real f word (and breast cancer) is not. Sort of takes the point out of using it too. Oh well. 

    Annie

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  • cherneski
    cherneski Member Posts: 726
    edited February 2010

    Annie, No this was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back.  The post was originally made sometime in May, it was Mothers day.  Funny it seems like years ago.  WOW it hasn't even been a year.

    Thank you all for your kind words of support.  I really am gonna start looking into writing for a living, I do think I've got something.  

    Love you all

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  • anniebford
    anniebford Member Posts: 128
    edited February 2010

    I don't keep up worth a damn with what's going on here at bco:) I am taking classes again, chemo hair, flatchested, fat bellied, and all. I passed last quarters math and now taking math 108. I logged on tonite since todays test was over and I get a 3 day weekend.Yea! I have been busy learning useless math stuff and 'finding my new normal'. I hate that ridiculous saying. Normal is- I'm afraid- over. But, I have been learning some useless math ;)   

    Annie

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited February 2010

    Great rant Deb!!! I remember you getting banned, but didn't have the privilege of reading your post, just the backlash. Amazing how after you were banned everyone supported your post..the chickenshits that reported you didn't have the guts to say what they had done.

    I agree that to put a word before a person is sacreligious! How shallow are some of these women? Is this a hobby to them?????

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010

    Deb ~ I was thrown off a breastcancer group list for merely using F@$K You,  but it was too one of the other members.  We peacefully resolved it between ourselves through private emails, but the list owner took me off immediately.  I've been reinstated back on the list, but she does not allow the ladies to get into any strong disagreements before she butts in and tells us to change the subject.  In my opinion it's too censored.

    image

    Barb

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  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited February 2010

    I missed your first rant also and am sorry you got banned for it, thanks for reposting it.

    Cancer is such an emotional roller coaster - who are we to judge others for how they are feeling and how they express themselves.

    Glad you are back - keep on ranting!

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited February 2010

    I've said it before and I'll say it again - I LOVE your rants!

    And I've even heard those words.

    Leah

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  • Gabrielle
    Gabrielle Member Posts: 73
    edited February 2010

    ...grabbing my pom-poms.....!!!!

     (shouting).....  "Can I get an F??!!!

    FFFFFFF!!!!

    (Ok, someone else take the U)......

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  • ananda8
    ananda8 Member Posts: 2,755
    edited February 2010

    The "F" words:

    The farthing idiot

    What the feather duster?

    Go freckle yourself.

    Oh fudge!  -----  I regularly use this one.  I had a woman in line tell me she was about to become very offended because she thought I was going to use the real "F" word.   I told her to get her mind out of the gutter.  She didn't know what to say to that.

    In my opinion, many of the people who object to vulgarisms are judgmental and dwell in negativity.  The word has been around at least since the 15th century and Western civilization has yet to fall.  Now if you want a truly vulgar phrase try "investment banker".

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2010

    Notself, LOL about your "f" words" -- especially "oh fudge"...

    Reminds me of how my ex-husband and I (it was his explicit idea, and a good one) cleaned up our language when our son was born!  Words we had never said before (but our parents had): fooey, shoot, sugar, criminy...

    Of course, then our son went to preschool and learned all the words we were trying not to say, anyway...

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  • cheers247
    cheers247 Member Posts: 270
    edited February 2010

    Cancer sucks so much, thanks Deb for another perfectly stated rant!  Dealing with this is hard beyond words, and we should be able to use whatever words come to mind!  XOXO Jessica

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  • cherneski
    cherneski Member Posts: 726
    edited February 2010

    Gabrielle~ OMG you have me rolling! 

    Love all of you!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010
    OMG DEB, I was not on the Board and not even diagnosed when you had your 'bad girl' rant!! I am so, so sorry the FUCK word got under someone's skin. GOOD LORD, THAT IS THE LEAST OF MY WORRIES and I thought you had shot the Pope (no comment) the way everyone was reacting. YOU GO GIRL AND I AM TOTALLY ON BOARD (for what that is worth) with your rant-especially after reading the original sans the F%ck word.) Who gives a flying FUCK, FUCK FUCK. And I am an old lady and delighted to write the word. And if it was your avatar name-unless BC.org shuts ya' down, it is nobody's business! So there, Yell and F all of that 'wise crap' I wrote before this. i was wanting to fix everything! Right, I cannot even grow hair! Tongue outSV
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