RESPECTING the STAGE threads **RANT**

Barbe, I specifically directed by question to Deb, and others who are later stage, because I'm trying to understand how to be more sensitive in my support posts to women who are in their position.  My opinion (or that of anyone else who isn't in their position) on what is insensitive (or not), annoying (or not) and inappropriate (or not) to someone who is later stage isn't relevant because it could be that I (and others who are not in their position) just don't get it.  I think that's the point of this thread.  On the other hand, my opinion counts (maybe a little, anyway) when talking about the frustrations that those of us who are early stage may face. I'm interested in your opinion when it comes to frustrations of those who in the middle ground, Stage II.  But when wondering about what is appropriate to say to those who are Stage III and Stage IV, I'd like to get the opinions of those who are Stage III and Stage IV.

Re. the "death vigils": I know every single post is written with a warm, caring heart.  Although I know they mean well, but praying for a cure is a bit inappropriate in vigil/death posts, IMHO.  A vigil thread is about the person dying, not BC in general (i.e., wishes for a cure).  A cure is not possible and won't happen for that person.  A cure and the hope for one is irrelevant and hasn't been in the cards for quite a while.  There will be no "miracles".  So, praying for a cure at that time really could be taken as an unintended slap in the face - i.e., too late for you but maybe there might be a cure for the rest of us. 

I think posts on vigil/death threads should be focused on the person dying and their family (as they mostly are), not a place to express our wishes for a cure.  Please note: this is my opinion as a Stage IV person with a crappy prognosis and not meant to represent that of a group/Stage.  :-)

It becomes a fine line when you have befriended someone in a different thread...let's say "Middle Age" thread and it doesn't matter in that thread what stage they are - we are all just women with breast cancer. Then when that person takes a turn for the worse you have to decide if you show support on a stage IV thread or just drop the friendship. I know what I would do.

Death vigil/death watch (whatever you want to call it) is akin to sitting around someones bed while they are in the last stages of dying. I have done it for both my parents with my brothers and sister there as well. We all knew why we were there and it is not a pleasant place to be.

I really don't know why anyone who is not Stage 3 is even looking at the Stage 3 forum. Yep, we do have some "honorary" Stage 3 girls, who are generally stage 2B, and have many of the same concerns and treatments.But I don't get why anyone who is Stage 1 or 2 even seeks out the topics here.

Like Bugs, I have never gone on the TN board, or the HER2+, or the DCIS forum, or the recon board for that matter. I am not sure why I would....how can I give advice to someone who is going through recon when I'm not?? So, it confuses me as to why some people seem to troll the boards looking to post about things they have no knowledge of. 

I think that the Stage 3 and 4 women in particular are tight knit groups, who tend to stick around, post often and develop longer term relationships...... maybe people want to be "part" of that.  I don't know.

I do the same...I hit Active topics and scroll down.

If I see a topic that interests me, I click...take a looksie. Sometimes I pass because I have nothing to contribute or I pass because I cant think off what to say at the time (chemo brain). Or I'll post.

I understand about the "stages". But...telling someone that they can not post on the stage 3 board because they are Ms. Stage 1 ( still laughing over than one Kerry...lol) is not right. People just need some common sense when posting! But I guess, not all of us have it.

I do not think a stage 1 girl should be advising a stage 3 girl about treatment plans or a mastectomy vs a lumpectomy. NO! Unless, they know their "stuff".

Or a stage 1 lady offering her reasoning why she did not take anti hormone meds to a stage 3 lady. Ummm hello?!!!!!

I don't think anyone is telling anyone that they can't post wherever they want - it is a public forum 

It just bewilders me why anyone would want to. Much as I love my Stage 3 sisters, I wish none of us had to come here.....

Hi there, I think this is a great string!!

If I see an interesting 'active topic' when I login, like this one, I will take a look.

Sometimes a post by someone seeking info or experience on a certain surgery/procedure will catch my eye and if I can help by sharing what I have been through I am very happy to in the hopes I can help.  But, I am very careful about not telling the person what to do or how it will turn out for them because I feel it is unfair and not my place.  It absolutely makes me furious when I see a post by someone who has no clue, has never been through it and yet is telling the person that if it was them then they would do this, would never do that, etc., and is using words to scare someone.

My little rant:  When I was deciding on my surgery a know it all relative made sure she told me about all the 'scares' she's had and if it was her, well, she'd 'just get rid of them'.  She said she doesn't do self exam, and told me "but my doctor examines me every year" and before she got too satisfied with herself I decided to make her think and I said to her "hmmm, of all the breast exams your doctor does every year, do you really think he remembered what yours felt like 12 months ago?"  I got a blank stare, she was clueless what to say.  I was very happy I made her think.

Jackie, I can see the water noodle image in my head, you go girl!

Bessie I was the same way about the active threads, I really didn't pay attention to what thread it came from at first. Now if I check it I look to see where it originated from.

I think everyone has a right to post on any thread but try to keep it about your own experiences. Unless you are giving information about the topic like Bessie does, I always stop to read yours because you give info without stating an opinion.

As far as Debs offensive post or anyone else's, we are all adults here if you don't like it don't click it. Why do we even need to report a post unless some is being attacked is beyond me. It didn't offend me, so I continued reading. Deb just says what she feels and isn't that what this board is all about? (Our feelings, good bad or worse) She has never attacked anyone on this board and she has been through a lot in a short amount of time. Come on people cut her some slack, and just move on to the nest topic.

I ran into this on the alternative board, I made a statement about SS and all He!! broke loose. I wasn't attacking anyone but I was called a troll and told to leave. OK, jumping off my soap box

((((All stage sisters)))) "United we stand, Divided we fall"

Oh Diana...

Ive been called a troll too, elsewhere though...its pretty funny. Ho hum....

Deb - I certainly agree with your post and frankly your vents help me.  My apologies if I offended anyone from my poor choice of wording in posts. 

 Cherneski, this is not really a reply to you, but the idea that is is somehow odd to be curious about forums for other stages.

 We all have some things in common no matter our stage. Konakat and I both had trouble telling our moms we had breast cancer. Admittedly she had tougher news, but it was hard for both of us. Other people might share struggles dealing with the medical system, or an ouchy armpit, or a crabby spouse.

It is human nature, and not a bad thing, to care about other people's journey. Early stage patients face a confusing array of treatment choices, advanced patients face other dilemas. But we all can learn from seeing how we face our challenges.

There are brave, wise, generous women everywhere. There are also a few who might occasionally say the wrong thing. Sometimes they are even the same people.

Out here in the real world one of my best friends is stage iv. We can discuss my radiation blister and her fears for her daughter in the same conversation. We are both people dealing with life's challenges as best as we can. Yes our cancer is different but our hearts are the same.

I Totaly agree with barbe and lexi, I click on the active button somtimes not realizing what thread I was In, I understnad the not posting In the stage !V thread, unless It was to one of my friends that I wanted to send a hug to, but I have a problem with not being able to go to different threads, I wouldnt say any of us here are "trollers" We just care, and want to offer our support. I would never give an opionion to somthing I have never been thru especially the stae 1V thread, but I have 2 friends who are stage 3 that have had the same tx as I have and have gone thru the same thing as me, I have also had friends who are stage 1 and have gone thru more than I have, every one is diffferent and If I can help In any way thats what I will do, And as deb said If you dont like It you can move on, Im here to stay and say what I feel (edited to say in a respectful way of course)

not a troller

As far as I'm concerned, cyber hugs don't have a "Stage".  Every hug is equally warm and caring.  I lap them up appreciatively like a kitten at a saucer of milk.  Meow!