You Know You're a Smart Aleck When...

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Celtic_Spirit
Celtic_Spirit Member Posts: 748
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

In the last day or so on this forum, I've read some wonderful snarky responses to stupid questions/comments. It's warmed the cockles of my mischievous heart. You see, I work with some real world-class nosey parkers with whom I truly don't wish to share my medical information. Given the choice of hitting them up with my HIPAA rights or a Jedi mind trick, I've chosen the latter, and I've worked it into an art form. It's been very effective; hardly a soul has dared to ask me again, and I really enjoy the deer-in-headlights looks I leave them with. Here's a sample:

You Know You're a Smart Aleck When...

...someone asks why you're wearing "that thing" on your arm (compression sleeve; fortunately I don't have to wear it much), and you answer (1) old Civil War wound, (2) shark attack, (3) hurt my arm wrestling a bear/gator, (4) got it caught in the door of a spaceship, (5) it's the latest rage in Paris, (6) accidentally shot myself with an Uzi.

You Know You're a Smart Aleck When...

...someone asks why you cut your hair short, and you answer (1) the dog/cat chewed it up while I was asleep, so I went ahead and had it styled, (2) short hair makes you live longer, (3) oh, my God! It's short? How did that happen?!?!

I don't slice-and-dice everyone; just the insincere folks who are cruising for water cooler gossip. Well-intentioned comments and questions are always appreciated.

Sooooo, let's hear what you've got!

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited February 2010

    ....when I told the guys I work with that I got a double mast so I'd fit in better with them (I'm the only woman in sales here).

    ...when I told the guys at work that it was so cold in Barrie last winter that I froze my tits off.

    ...when I told the guys at work that I may have lost my breasts but I found my balls.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited February 2010

    my latest favorite for the noseys.. is

    aaah - so you like to keep abreast of things? .. no smile or nuthin

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited February 2010

    I haven't perfected any smart alec remarks, but have had more than a couple of neighbourhood busybodies tell me "what a change that hairstyle is on you," obviously fishing for juicy details!  I just smile and say "yep"!

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  • hope2
    hope2 Member Posts: 73
    edited February 2010

    you know you are a smart aleck when you refer to yourself as spongebob squarepants. sponebob being the prosthetic and square pants being the old fashioned ones that are the only ones that fit right now.

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited February 2010

    Oh, I love these!  I'm gonna borrow them!

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  • Celtic_Spirit
    Celtic_Spirit Member Posts: 748
    edited February 2010

    Barbe, those are classic! Well done!

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  • Claire_in_Seattle
    Claire_in_Seattle Member Posts: 4,570
    edited February 2010

    .....when you refer to "going topless" as "going commando". 

    Then you go on to say, "as for the other general usage for this expression, I'm not telling!"

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited February 2010

    Since I've started radiation, for whatever reason it seems someone asks me everyday where I'm going  - I've told everyone, they know where I'm going why they ask I don't know so..............now when I'm heading out of the door for the day I tell 'em 

     - I'm going to the tanning booth or I'm going to get my tan on..........................

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  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited February 2010

    Too funny.

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  • lexi4
    lexi4 Member Posts: 1,074
    edited February 2010

    Laughing

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  • SusieMTN
    SusieMTN Member Posts: 795
    edited February 2010

     barbe1958    Laughing  LOL !!!!!  I am borrowing your last one if I can figure out how to do one breast and one ball?????? Oh no maybe "I may have lost one breast but I grew a set of balls "  that one may work with my husband !  I will have to say this when my son (adult) is around, and see if I can make them laugh!  

    Celtic_Spirit   - good post! 

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  • Jaimieh
    Jaimieh Member Posts: 2,373
    edited February 2010

    ~When people say they like my haircut and I tell them that it "only cost $100,000.00"

    ~when people who know me look at my chest and say "but I thought...." and I say yeah these are the boobs in a box....and then I start laughing.

    I say a lot of smart-ass things and then laugh my tail off at myself. 

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited February 2010

    I wish I was more quick witted!!!!  Barbe...I love your comments...Jaimieh, yours too....since I am 4 years out from Dx....not a lot of comments about my hair, boobs (or lack thereof) or running to chemo, rads etc...but I sure wish I knew these back then!!!!

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  • JulieC
    JulieC Member Posts: 324
    edited February 2010

    I tried to respond with humor, but ...

    When asked about my hair which came back in very curly - yep, that's my $60,000 perm.  When asked about losing "all" of my hair - yep, got a free Brazilian out of the deal, too!  Just stating the facts, take it as you wish.

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  • weesa
    weesa Member Posts: 707
    edited February 2010

    These comments are a riot!

    I don't have any snarky comments to add but I do have a technique that I do fairly well and I like to think I've honed to perfection: There are several guys at work that I don't know at all and who never had spoken to me until my cancer journey. One in particular, Clyde, an especially unctuous guy, started getting in the habit of cornering me in the hall, and saying in very hushed almost whispered, conspiratorial tones: "Weesa, how ARE YOU?" while wringing his hands together in some sort of sign of phony anguish. I step back and in my best southern belle accent, I say, "WELL, CLYDE" in a stage voice, "Ahm jess fine thanks, and how are YOU?" in the most cordial but superficial, perfunctory of ways.You can tell it takes the wind out of his sails, he was hoping for some gloom and doom, some juicy tidbit about true suffering, some (god forbid) intimacy. Then I turn on my heel and keep going down the hall. The first few times this scene unfolded I could hear him mutter, "Fine for NOW, eh?" This scene was repeated over and over until he recently was fired. Time wounds all heels.

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  • Celtic_Spirit
    Celtic_Spirit Member Posts: 748
    edited February 2010

    LOL, Weesa! Sounds like he got backhanded by karma! I think you played him like a fine fiddle!

    My boss is a really nice guy, and he was absolutely wonderful to me during treatment. But I can't bypass opportunities to take the mick out of him. I just can't. A few weeks after I had my two large, heavy breasts removed, he and I were talking about health, diet, exercise, etc. He puffed up proudly and said, "I've lost 17 lbs. in nine months." I said, "Really? Well, I lost 10 lbs. in ONE DAY." It took him a moment to process that, and once he did, he began stammering and sputtering, turned tail and trotted down the hall!

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  • weesa
    weesa Member Posts: 707
    edited February 2010

    You are so sassy! Wish I could have been a fly on the wall...The whole idea of this thread is so you. You really enjoy being delightfully outrageous, irreverent when the right opportunity presents itself. I'm a bit that way too. After all we've been thru we deserve it!

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  • cherneski
    cherneski Member Posts: 726
    edited February 2010

    OMG I almost peed myself at some of these!  Thanks for the great laughs Ladies.  I will be sure to try a few.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited February 2010

    Weesa, I LOVE "Time wounds all heels!" hehehehehehe

    And Celtic, I lost about the same amount of weight! I've had people say, gee you look good, have you... and then I turn sideways and say, yep! I lost weight!

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited February 2010

    Celtic - you reminded me of a conversation I had with my boss, who has been wonderful!  He is balding and we always made jokes when he said he was heading out for a hair cut - things like "did you get a discount"  "how much do they charge for 6 hairs".  When I came back and showed off my bald head I told him "who would have thought I'd be bald before you"?

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  • victoriasecret
    victoriasecret Member Posts: 333
    edited February 2010

    Weesa ...WOW what a JERK !!! yep karma got Clyde !!!ml C

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