RESPECTING the STAGE threads **RANT**

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  • Alyson
    Alyson Member Posts: 4,308
    edited February 2010

    Great rants. I usually think of something clever to say a couple of hours later. One I did manage was when I was told - 'Oh well you can forget all about it now and get on with living'  I stunned those around by saying,' well actually no as I have to face it every morning in the bathroom mirror' ( I have not had a recon)

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  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited February 2010

    I completely agree!!!  I always wonder why people who are stage 0 will post on stage III or IV threads.  Sometimes the posts are supportive but when I read things like, "we could all be stage IV at any moment" it annoys me. 

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  • kim40
    kim40 Member Posts: 904
    edited February 2010

    Very well said Debi.  Love it!!!

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  • Magister105
    Magister105 Member Posts: 73
    edited February 2010

    I think your rants are a gift. So many of us read these posts because we are at a loss as to how to articulate our own feelings. Reading the rants gives words! I love them!

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  • echosalvaje
    echosalvaje Member Posts: 191
    edited February 2010
    Jackie,   "holding nothing more lethal than a water noodle"  will stay with me for weeks, thank you! I hope you get a chance to "bop" her with it anywayWink
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  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited February 2010

    Great rant!  This is the very reason I don't post on Stage III or Stage IV forums.  I don't want to ever offend someone by saying something totally stupid!

    I love the comment "Only pretty girls get cancer!"  I will have to remember that one along with "No, I told them to leave some behind"  

    Sorry, but I was laughing so hard at those two comments that I had to respond to this rant! 

    So.....I will go away quietly now before I say something stupid!  Embarassed

    But before I go - Beesie - you made a great point.  I think that many people say and/or write offending statements due to being ignorant about BC - I don't think it is always intentional - they just don't know better.

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  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited February 2010

    Jackie, I hope you at least smacked her with your water noodle, may her swim suit ride up in all the wrong places and things squirt out of awkward places. ;)

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited February 2010

    your first rant was the best.

    ha ha .. it drew me to you immediately.  you've come a long way Deb!

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  • rumoret
    rumoret Member Posts: 685
    edited February 2010

    My mother asks me "How do you feel?" Now, my mother was dx with triple negative breast cancer back in 1999. I look at her with a smile on my face and say, "I feel fine--not dead yet!" And then she replys, "OH TERRY!" Then the two of us hug and both say, "Do you know how much I love you? TOOOOOOMUCHES!"Smile

    Got to love your Mom! 

    Terry

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  • She
    She Member Posts: 503
    edited February 2010

    Edited to remove my comments.  One thing I have learned in my almost 14 year journey:

    A diagnosis of Breast Cancer does not elevate anyone to sainthood.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010

    Rant away Chern,  love you!

    image

    Barb

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  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited February 2010

    Lol-this has made me smile and laugh so much! Perhaps not the initial aim of the poster-but it's great that it's achieved a double whammy. Going to keep a few of them in mind for future use-especially Terry's "I'm fine, not dead yet" Will be seeing my onc next week, so will try it out on him first.

    But seriously, some good points have been raised here, so thanks to Deb for addressing it. I must admit, what makes me want to rant even more are the posts which look for reassurance that all will be well/the poster won't have a recurrence. How on earth can we possibly give that type of reassurance? It's like attempting to promise that the sun won't rise tomorrow. We none of us know, and I can't grasp how reassuring sufferers that they will be ok is actually doing them any favours.Trying to suggest they learn to accept  uncertainties and fears, live in the present as far as practical, may be kinder advise to give. Cancer-at whatever stage-changes your life forever-returning to pre-life diagnosis may not ever happen, however hard we wish that it would.

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited February 2010

    Elaine,

    I think you brought up a good point as well. I think its good to be positive, but I find it unfair to offer reassurance to anyone that they are going to live to 100. Positive yes...it gets us through our days....reassurance no.

    Cancer or no cancer, noone is guranteed tomorrow. Hit by a bus thing apply's here...lol.

    Great thread...if I already haven't mentioned. Heres my rant.....people who pm me because they don't like what I have to say or Im too blunt. I'm a realist and by sticking around this board for over 2 yr now you see the real deal.

    Carry on ranting.....

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited February 2010
    Wow, I am jealous....I have never had a nasty PM. I should be meaner. Wink
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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited February 2010

    NOT mean!!!!!....

    Realistic.

     Not all my received Pm's are nasty...I have had only 2 or 3. Can't please everyone, and I Dont expect to. Now....on another BC board? Thats a different story. lol....

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  • cherneski
    cherneski Member Posts: 726
    edited February 2010

    Kerry~ LMAO I can send you a nasty PM if you want!  lol

    Janice~ No need to go away at all, you get it.  You are not coming on here telling me/us that we are too negative and we should be blah blah blah.  I think you fit in here just fine ;o)

    Apple~ I too still love my first rant.  I think I might repost it here later just so the other Ladies can see what got me banned when I was brandy new. 

    You Ladies are the BEST!  I cant stop laughing at some of these things.  I am pretty (at least I was before I got all swelled up from roids and went bald), guess thats why it got me.  LOL

    Magister~ I think my rants might be a gift too, I have always had a way with words so I have been told.  Maybe I can start a Dear Debi somewhere and get paid for it?  That would be nice, a job where I could write and give people a reality check.  A friend of mine just sent me a text whining about how she has to stay at work late again tonight waaaaaaaaaa, I responded, "I just found out I have NO health insurance!  Life could be worse."  She sent back "wow".  Yeah shut her up.  Meanwhile I lost my job because I could no longer do the physical part of it.  

    Here is to none of us getting hit by a bus tomorrow Wink

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  • claygirl
    claygirl Member Posts: 356
    edited February 2010

    Thanks to all of you for your comments and for Deb for starting  the thread.  I have swim class tomorrow and I go armed with my responses written on my hand in waterproof ink.  We, all of us, spend so much time, no matter what stage we find ourselves, dealing with this disease and all that implies, that having a place to rant, laugh, cry and feel the collective camaraderie of hundreds of woman is such a gift.

    Jackie 

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  • o2bhealthy
    o2bhealthy Member Posts: 2,101
    edited February 2010

    Deb - I alway love to read your rants and LOVE your first one too (still have it saved to favorites! 

    I agree 100% - it is about respecting others - I would love to post more then I do but I do not express myself very well in writing...I always worry that I either sound preachy or in my ignorance could offend when all I really wanted to do was support or encourage...Thank you for expressing so well what many of us think or feel and don't know how to express it ourselves!

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  • janincanada
    janincanada Member Posts: 258
    edited February 2010

    OK Deb....now I'm very curious.  Since I'm rather new here I've never had the honour (excuse the Canadian sp) of reading your first rant.  Please, pretty please post it again.  I love this thread....I find myself nodding yes as I read, smile and chuckle.

    It's good to know that I'm not the only one who gets irritated by some of the utterly stupid things people say and do.

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  • BooBee
    BooBee Member Posts: 860
    edited February 2010

    I have to admit that when I first joined I made a coment about being greatful (it was around Thanksgiving) that I still had two boobs.  Ouch.  I wish I can take that one back.  I'm sure there were several other stupid comments I've forgotten about.  No one said anything to me thank goodness. 

    Great rant Deb.

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  • Magister105
    Magister105 Member Posts: 73
    edited February 2010

    ReneeS:

    But that's the beauty of the rants! I'm pretty new to the site and hope I haven't said anything stupid or thoughless, but I probably have. The rants have helped me see things from very different perspectives so I'm not entirely thoughtless. And it gives me such admiration of the strong women on this site. On with the rants!

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited February 2010

    Here's what I HATE!!! A bedside vigil thread when someone is dying and there is always a poster who says "Praying for a cure". Doi!!!! This person has hours to live, her kidneys are shutting down and you're praying for a cure???? God give me strength! At that point I pray for a peaceful passing for the poor sister.

    Can you imagine the family reading over all the posts and here's the one that says "Praying for a cure?" That would be the same poster who posts after the death to say "Oh when will there be a CURE! I hate this dam* disease!" We all do....surprise!

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited February 2010

    I agree with you Barbe.  When dear Watson and KBug were dying there were many wonderful posts reminiscing about the fun and funny things they did -- and prayers for a peaceful passing.  Now that was beautiful and made a lovely memorial keepsake for the families.  I personally don't want a vigil, waiting for me to die, endless pages of prayers -- guffaws and funny stuff is good though...should anyone be so inclined and take note when I'm slipping away.

    Edit to add:  Or the "keep on fighting", "don't give up" posts when there really isn't anything else left to do or the person choses to stop treatment.  That really irks me to no end.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010

    Great rant!!  Totally agree.  

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  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited February 2010

    Oh yes, Elizabeth, the" don't give up all will be well" really irks me too. Declining further treatment is something which will come to us all, and must be one of the hardest and bravest steps we have to take. How cruel it is for anyone to suggest that we should continue when our bodies and spirits are crying out, "enough".

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  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited February 2010

    I hated it when my mother passed that everyone said she gave up, she never once gave up she fought for all she was worth. I know that she died but she never gave up she simply and gracefully let go of this life. I think their is a big difference in giving up and letting go.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited February 2010

    Diana, it's a lot harder to let go than to move forward. Your mother did the harder of the two!

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  • rinna40
    rinna40 Member Posts: 357
    edited February 2010

    Thanks for all these posts. The range of our emotions here explains why this disease can make me laugh and cry in the same moment. I think I would have gone mad if not for you ladies. And now, two more personal friends have just been diagnosed. It's the endless sea of wonderful women having to live/die with this that makes me the angriest.

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  • Beesie
    Beesie Member Posts: 12,240
    edited February 2010

    Deb, I hope you don't mind if I use your thread to help with my education.  I don't usually post in any of the stage threads except for DCIS and Stage I but I do sometimes try to offer support to those I know who are later stage and I want to be careful not to offend anyone.

    For my own benefit, so that I know not to say this in the future, is it wrong to say that you "hate this damn disease", especially after someone dies from it?  I'm pretty sure I've said that once or twice in the past, so it would be helpful to know if this is in fact considered to be offensive or insensitive by any of the women here.  I always considered this to simply be a statement of fact, a truth that we all believe and something that could be said without offending anyone.  Is that wrong?

    I couldn't agree more that saying "keep on fighting" and "don't give up" is completely insensitive and inappropriate when talking to someone who may be at the point of deciding to decline further treatment. It astonishes me when I see someone say this. I can't even imagine how difficult that decision would be for someone and to have others deny them the right to make that decision is, frankly, just plain cruel.  On the other hand, other than the fact that I'm an atheist and I don't pray, I don't see what's wrong in saying "Praying for a cure" in a post to someone who is dying or in a post after someone has passed away.  Unless the comment specifically says that they are "praying for a cure" for that individual (that would obviously be insensitive!), I interpret those comments to be saying that they are praying for a cure so that women don't continue to die from this disease in the future. Isn't that something we all want, even those who may not benefit from the cure themselves?  Again, for my own education and sensitivity training, I really would appreciate knowing whether this comment is considered offensive or not.  

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  • AnacortesGirl
    AnacortesGirl Member Posts: 1,758
    edited February 2010

    We went through the same thing in our family with my sister.  Did I want her to try different chemos that may have helped?  Hell yes.  But it wasn't my decision.  I love my sister (still! she's a voice in my head that tells me to quit being a wimp!) and the way to show that love was to accept her decision and give her the best support I could.  Smile, talk, remember the fun stuff when we were young and stupid.  My dad never got it. He kept talking about a cure.  She finally told her husband that she didn't want him coming over anymore. 

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