How do you stay spiritual after the diagnoses
I converted to catholism in april of 1996 and was diagnosed in September of 1996 and never went back to church, am not feeling very good about god cause now I have the recurrence and really don't pray cause I am not a believer and haven't been since 1996...
Sandy
Comments
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I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are having to deal with BC and I am sorry for the timing in relation to your conversion.
I had my first non BC scare 4 years ago. I had just lost my mother after a long and terrible neurological disease. I was angry and not dealing with it well at all. Honestly I was freaking out. I was mad at God and feeling pretty horrible. Hadn't my family been through enough? If God didn't love me enough, ok. But what about my Dad? Did he really need to go through this? When they tried to do the stereotactic biopsy the calcifications "kept moving" They took 8 samples before I went into shock and then they stopped. What they did get, didn't show cancer so we just watched every six months with mamograms.
I was born Catholic and have always gone to church. After this first scare, by chance I started attending a women's prayer group at my church. I also found myself participating in other church activities that I had not done before. I went on a Christ Renews His Parish retreat. I always felt religious before, but never participated in much other than Sunday mass and holy days. I didn't really even notice how much stronger my faith was growing until this past August when I was diagnosed first with DCIS, then later in November, LCIS and ILC. The whole thing was very different for me this time around. I am not angry. I can feel God's presence with me every step that I take. His peace fills me and surrounds me at every doctor appointment and procedure. I feel His love and see good things coming out of my situation. They are there, but the first time around, I could not see them. I would not see them. I am still growing in my faith and I stumble. I am constantly reminded how much easier it is and how much lighter my burden when I let Christ carry my cross for me.
I hope that this doesn't come across the wrong way.
My heart aches for you. I pray that somehow you might find your way back. God is with us always, I know for me, I have to remember not to try to deny Him. I have to remember to allow Him in, to invite Him into my life. He is there, but we have free will to choose Him or to choose to try to do it alone. I know that I need Him. Without Him I am so scared and weak. With Him, there is nothing that I will not be able to face.
If you want to talk, I am here for you. There are books that I have found helpful and CD's that I've listened to over the years which have helped me get to the place that I am now spiritually. Please feel free to PM me.
Ann
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I have been a Christian most of my life-- attended Church and even was a Youth Leader for years. I believe in God and have a personal relation with Him. In all that -- I have had ups and downs throughout life and even turned my back on God from the age of 18-24! Doing my own thing, living the way I wanted to without any thought of right from wrong. Depressed and Stressed and looking for love in all the wrong places if you know what I mean?
I am 43 years old now and was just diagnosed 6/09 with BC-- my first thought was "why me"-- I'm living for God, I love God and I know that He loves me. As time has gone by after months of nothing but questioning and searching for answers I have come to realize that before my diagnosis- I would complain about every little thing-- the way I looked, the house I lived in, the location I lived, my job, on and on and on. Let me tell you-- MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED! I truley am Thankful for "Everything"! Even when the Chemo took my hair and my strength-- thru it I held onto the promises of God that He said "He would never leave me nor forsake me"-- and I see Life as a Gift and I know that God is in Control-- I can not do "anything" without Him. I believe God allowed this --BUT I also believe that through it, I will become a Better Person and Appreciate and be Thankful for what I have!
God loves You Blondie- If He didn't, He wouldn't of sent His Son Jesus to die for You. He also has a plan for Your life. Like Ann said "If we give Jesus our Burdens" It is so much easier for us. We live in a World where there is pain and suffering--Christian or no Christian we are going to go through things However-- trusting in Jesus- we have a Hope that "Everything will work out for our Good". Don't give up Blondie! Things will get better!!!
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How do you do it without God. He is my strength, my courage, my rock. He is always faithful, he sees the big picture, we don't. Trust in the Lord with all your might. I pray you find your way back and just turn it all over to him. gentle hugs sister
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I am sorry you are going through this alone...it is hard when we have a loving Savior to call on but to try to handle it on my own would be much more difficult.
I don't say why me, but why not me!!! We are not promised there will be no sickness, pain or heart ache but that he will be thee to pick us up when we falter. My Lord went through much more then any of us will ever have to deal with. He never leaves us, when he is absent in our lives we have chosen to walk away from him. What a might God I serve.
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Ladies, you have brought tears to my eyes. Blondie, I came to a spiritual life through recovery and it is quite different from religion. Spirituality and religion are two different things I think. HEY, IF YOUR GOD IS NOT WORKING FOR YOU, YOU CAN BORROW MINE! And you know there is something left of your faith or you would not be on this Board. I know Him to be the great physician and healer of all things. His promise to me is that I only have to seek HIm, not to find Him. He does not make great demands on us. But I need to be clear that His plan and MY plan are two different things. His is usually better. Life is life and often, things happen that just are not fair or right. Cancer is the worst diagnosis I can think of. I know in my darkest hours, I hated God, but He already knew that. I need not be ashamed of my doubt. I often write angry letters to my Lord about the lastest diagnosis of BC. My Lord knows my heart in faith and in those dark souless nights when I am so lost. I promise that you are loved, cared for and the apple of His eye. Know that God loves you as much as he loves Mother Theresa. I found spirituality in the "We" of the world. Even if you doubt Him or whatever your feelings are-He is there because we are here. In unity, living, breathing and dying for this common cause. You do not need to pray right now, we will do it for you! Sending Angels to surround you with light and love and a bit of peace. Even if you don't believe it, you are prescious and you are the center of His universe! SV
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I am so sorry that you feel like you are alone. I know many Christians have gone through questioning their faith and GOD. You feel like you were abandoned by Him.......but I can tell you that He is still with you and will always be with you. See what different churches offer with regards to small woman bible studies or support groups (my church has a women's cancer ministry).
Don't be afraid to voice your frustration...if you have to scream, yell, cry but tell Him how you feel....and keep telling Him. He will listen to you. He will get you through this.
We are all here for you. One book that I love to read is "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. I can tell you this, He gave me a certain peace throughout my entire treatment.
I pray that you don't give up on Him....He has not given up on you. Sending you warm hugs!!
kim
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Hi, Blondie,
I am saddened that you are feeling alone and with no hope. There is way for you to be able to make it through each day. I noticed you place God as in lower case g. I want to assure you that there is a God that is bigger than all our problems and is able to help you overcome your worries, his name is JESUS. I think you realizing that you are not a christian and wanting more is a good step. I just want to let you know that going to church does not give you God nor does any other rituals or traditions. The only way to have peace, joy and hope is to ask Jesus into your heart and live for HIM. Christianity is not a religion but a relationship. Who knows more about their creation than their creator?
I have been a christian for a long time and when I found out that I had cancer 3yrs ago I had to think about who was on my side, the creator of me and he knew everything about me and my body. I knew that my God was going to stay with me because He promises "He will never leave me or forsake me." Remember Jesus knows your sufferings. He also suffered, on the cross for our sins. Why? Because He loves YOU very much.
Pray, pray and pray. Read your bible even if you don't understand it, God will reveal His word to you. When you read the bible you find all kinds of promises of hope for every day living. Keep in contact with fellow believers who will keep your mind in focus.
Remember God loves YOU and is always near. All you have to do is call on HIM.
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Sandy, many have spoken some very profound things for you to ponder here. I've almost always had a personal walk with God. In the last five years, have had to put 2 adult sons in alcohol/drug rehab and I went thru my bc story. One of the counselors/chaplain at the rehab facility uses a saying that has stuck with me "what do you have to hang on in your midnight hour?" Of course, she was speaking of a strong spiritual walk for those in recovery. I immediately thought of this when I was dx and when I made decisions of surgery, treatment, etc. My prayer during this time was, "Lord, I will do whatever I have to do, just give me the strength and courage to walk thru it and those who are watching will see You, not me." I had many midnight hours and I know that I will continue to have them just because I am living. If you continue to seek, you will find. He is waiting for you and has been for a long time. Blessings and courange, Mary
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Thank you for all who wrote and I read and will read again, not there yet, don't understand am confused by it all and am so glad that I found this site!!! I appreciate you all..
Sandy
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Sandy,
We are all here for you, God included. We are praying for you. If you want to talk privately, please feel free to PM me. Confusion is very understandable. There is so much that we don't know. But know that God does love you. He is there for you, just waiting for you to turn to Him.
May God bless you and let you feel His love surround you...
Ann
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well see that is the funny part, when I was a kid I used to go toe Mass alot of sundays with my friends and always wanted to be catholic, when I found out I was adopted and found my family I found out that I was from a catholic family so I went to CCD classes and in April of 1996 I became a catholic and I was diagnosed with BC in August of 1996 and haven't been back to church since. I know alot of you believe that God loves all you but for me I just can't believe that for me....I don't feel anything but pain and stress, thanks so much for trying to help though.
Sandy
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Dear Sandy,
For myself, it has little to nothing to do with what church/denomination I belong to. It has to do with a personal relationship I have developed and invested in over a long time with God. That is what faith is for me: faith = trust. I trust God with my life and know that no matter what I am going thru, He is with me. Traditions and rituals can make our spiritual walk deeper, or they can be hang ups for us. Keep it simple. Just pray and talk to God.
If you have not read the book ,The Shack, I recommend it. It is a beautiful story and a different way to look at God and the Trinity. I will continue to pray for you. We all have felt pain and stress, but I realize that I will continue to have that over my lifetime whether or not I had BC. I'm not ever going to be immune to bad things happening to me, but I know God is walking right along side of me. Blessing sister. Mary
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Hi Sandy, yes, The Shack is an excellent story. Kind of slow the first third of the book but once you get halfway through it is hard to put down.
I parrot what others have said but would like to add that no-one here can convince you as it does really require a personal relationship with Christ. We will all continue to pray for you to find peace within. Please continue to ask the Lord into your life and know that He hears you.
Matthew 7:7 says: "...seek and you will find..." You are not alone in your confusion but there is help.
Blessings.
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Sandy,
As Mary said talk to God. And FYI, if all you can do right now is yell at Him. That's ok too. He loves us and He understands our anger and frustration. God can take a little yelling too. I believe that He would rather you do that as opposed to not talking to Him at all. Please try it...what have you got to lose? I know that you can gain much...
Blessings~
Ann
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wish I could talk to him but to me it is a waste, feels like he isn't listening to me, nor does he care, that is my feeling......wish I could feel different but it is what it is, glad it works for others but just not me....
Sandy
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Blondie,
I am so sorry that you are so hurt and are feeling abandoned. Jesus knows these feelings well. He felt them Himself before he was crucified. I will pray for you, until you are ready to pray for yourself.
I can't help but think that you have a desire to feel His presence or you would not have posted. I'm going to hold on to that and pray...
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Sandy
I am so very sorry that you have lost touch with God. I understand how your bc experience could make you feel bitter or turn away from Him.
I have a very personal relationship with Him. In my experience, it brought me closer to Him.
I felt bitter toward the Catholic Church, and can't identify with them. Anyway, I consider myself a Christian, and maybe the experience with the Catholic Church as kept me from joining any denomination.
I agree with Bless... It IS ok to yell, when you talk to God... He understands if we feel frustrated, angry, alone... but HE will listen and HE will help you... I also pray that you will be able to reconnect with HIM...
Hugs to you...
Harley
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My prayers were for the strength to make it through quite nasty treatment. I feel they have been answered.
I also feel connected through participating in Communion although I do admit to having taking a really large gulp of wine yesterday. (I am Episcopalian, and normally attend the early, more contemplative, service.)
And major Thanksgiving for having had a relatively easy time with surgery and for a diagnosis that my cancer was much less invasive than initially suspected.
The Rector's sermon that resonnated most with me was one in Advent about Renewal. I do believe that this is true with me, right down to the cellular level.
I am so glad I found a spiritual home when I moved to here to Seattle. It has been a source of strength and comfort to me, and an integral part of my healing.
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Sandy - I have been going thru the same struggle. I was dxed in 11/06 and really questioned a lot of things. I have not been back to church, and spend a lot of time trying to figure this all out. So far I have decided that church, religion, faith, spirituality are not the same and often not connected.Not sure what I think of God and really struggle with the Jesus thing. That is where the seperation of church & religion (someone else's interpretation of what I should do and think)and faith and spirituality come in.
Some of the traditions/rituals/prayers from growing up in the church I find comforting but not in a religious way ...maybe it brings me back to a time when things were good? I don't know. For now I go one day at a time, discovering that I am stronger than I ever thought, and hope that one day I will figure it all out.
I hope you're doing well with Femara and all stays under control!
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Sandy, hello,
I'm so sorry for all you're going through. It really is overwhelming with family to care for on top of all the other concerns of this rotten diagnosis. The timing of your initial diagnosis couldn't have been worse, and now this recurrence. I sure hear you on how abandoned you feel.
But I don't think you need encouragement to remain faithful, because you are faithful. Faith is not about our feelings (did you notice that in your last very short post you used the word "feel" three times?) In fact, it's pretty much the opposite. Faith is saying, "I'm really disappointed about God because look at the mess I'm in and I don't feel like He's doing a darn thing about it," and then keeping on looking for Him. Which is just what you're doing. He's bigger than any of us, and certainly bigger than this bc. And what's more He cherishes you -- especially you. So I don't doubt for a minute that He'll lift the silence before long and show Himself to you again. Look for Him -- it'll be good!
Hugs,
Binney -
I knew you would understand and not judge, I just can't believe in anything or anybody right now, when things like this happen to good people, if it happened to a bunch of criminals in jail that would be fine but not people that live their life as upstanding citizens who are just trying to live their lives...
Sandy
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lol, the feel 3 times is many years of therapy and them telling me to keep the focus on myself, not projecting to others
Sandy
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Sandy
No, I would never judge anyone... and unless you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you can never know what they are going through.
I just believe that sometimes, things just happen... it isn't that God is punishing us. But sometimes I think that our experiences, good or bad, sometimes others who may be struggling with issues in their faith will see us, and maybe they will see something in us that will help them to resolve their issues, and they may come to trust the Lord again. JMHO...
I gave a speech on breast cancer to some women at church, and I mentioned the different emotions that we feel as we go through our bc dx and treatment... I mentioned fear, sorrow, anger, and even humor. I think that it's good to talk to God, and even when we are angry, HE understands...
Thinking of you today, and sending you HUGS.....
Harley
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Meditation is what got me through my initial diagnosis, surgery, post operative infection, radiation and two biopsies that were done to investigate suspected recurrence. (they were both negative).
With the initial diagnosis, I meditated on my tumor wishing that the angry proliferating cells would be well and thought of those cells with loving kindness. These wishes toward something that was trying to kill me, calmed my mind and heart.
I didn't think about what caused the cancer or what god failed me because that type of thinking is living in the past. We have the present moment and that is all anyone has.
Let one not trace back the past
Or yearn for the future-yet-to-come
That which is past is left behind
The "yet-to-come" is unattained
And that which is present he discerns
With insight as and when it comes. - M III 187
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Sandy- By looking at your post-- it looks like you got cancer before you even started your CCD classes in April/96. You just found out about it August/96, right?
The Bible says the "Enemy" comes to kill, steal and destroy. Have you thought about it this way.
The Enemy was trying to take you out before you started your relationship with God-- BUT God had different plans for your life and wanted you to get close to Him so that he could give you Peace through your storm? God says that He works "ALL" things out for our Good. I hold onto that and know that in the End I WIN with HIM!!!
QUESTION FOR YOU: Would you have looked at your diagnosis differently if you never would started a relationship with God?
Loretta
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My husband emailed this article to me yesterday. It is written by Rick Warren who wrote Purpose Driven Life. I loved the book. What I did not know is his wife is also one of our sisters. She was dx with BC during that time he wrote the book. This article really helped me to look at how I view the goods and bads of life as 2 rails a train runs on. I hope it is helpful to any of my BC sisters. Blessings, Mary
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thank you for that, when I can I will read it, and the answer to the question is I don't think I would have looked at it differnt. The first one I never asked why me it was why not, this time, it is me I think cause I can handle it much better than others could and I realize that there are people worse off than and and there is a reason for this....wish I knew what it was tho, if it is to show me that I am alone ...I knew that, if it is to show me that my kids really don't care about me, knew that also...is it is to show me that I am anything can happen to anybody, including me....I already knew that also......I don't really care why I just know what it is and that is I have a recurrence of breast cancer and there is nothing I can do about it not talking, praying, surgery, which they won't do, or anything else.....sorry, just how I feel. Depressed, well yea!! I would say so...
SAndy
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You should NEVER feel sorry for the way you feel!!!!!! You are not alone.....we are all here for you.
I also have a really hard time trusting people/churches/religion but I still trust God. There is a big different between religion and spirituality. As many have said....just talk to him.....even if it is yelling and screaming (it is a start).
Thinking of you....sending you "warm" hugs
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Thought? Do you think JESUS felt abandoned when he was hanging on the Cross for us? Jesus was perfect and yet had to go through such pain. He loves us so much!! WE WIN IN THE END!!
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