Starting Chemo in June 2005

Dana,
I think the aches are the taxol. It seems to be the gift that keeps on giving even a week or two after treatment.
Achy in places that make no sense.
I find week number two just as challenging as number 1 if not more.
so hang in there.

I have been doing the happy dance too! I am officially finished with chemo. Yahoo! I got a certificate too and happily placed it on my refrigerator like I am in Kindergarden. So happy to be finished with that red devil -not too nauseaus. Tired and dry eyes. The ac smell isn't really bothering me this time either!

Question for your girls - I am er/pr- and HER2+ - no lymph node involvement. My onc is on the fence about herceptin since it is usually given to patients with positive nodes. Does anyone out the have negative nodes and will take Herceptin? I won't have to take Tamoxofin either, thank God. I have enough hot flashes now.

Thanks for doing the Happy Dance with me!!!!

Yea, Michelle!!! Doing the happy dance for you!!!! Congratulations on finishing.

Rebecca-
I am so sorry about your cat- how did I miss that post. Losing a furbaby is the saddest thing. They never really leave you. They find ways to find you again- And I never believed that until the bruiser in my avatar found ME. I was heartbroken after losing my two cats within 11 months of eachother- especially the calico- she took such good care of me. Now I am seeing a lot of her habits whish were bizaar in this big boy. I really believe she found a way to come back to me- and what is REALLY WEIRD is this guy looks exactly like the other cat I lost. So I get all of them at once! Still this is very hard- especially now. I am sorry.

Dana- your pains are part of the Taxol and also part of all the treatment combined. Remember I told you guys about Chemo-induced arthritis? Hang in there!

Brenda and other HOT girls>>> there is a pillow called Chillow that actually cools your head so you can sleep. I heard it works Great!

Jo- how did the eyebrows turn out?

Michelle- YAY! YAY! YAY! You did it!!!! Good job Miss Survivor!

Now about that herceptin. If it were ME- and I am er- too- if I had the her-2/nue oncogene in my DNA making my DNA WANT TO MAKE MORE CANCER CELLS- whether I had a node or not I would take herceptin.

THe latest ASCO meeting showed that with herceptin women who are her-2/nue + up their survival and live disease free by almost 40%. It is almost like making it an even playing field. You actually have something in your genetic make up that is telling your body to make cancer- HERCEPTIN ERADICATES THAT FOREVER.

Do it now? - early stage and no nodes? YOU BET!!!!

Hi JoMac-- I think we're all just TIRED...I mean, we're all having different side-effects, but I don't think there's much we can do about the encroaching fatigue. I just had a business lunch and it took every last bit of energy to concentrate on what was being pitched to me. I'm now going to close my office door and take a nap!!!

Good night!

Congrats Michelle,
Wish I was done! I'm not even halfway there! But I feel it getting closer! I just hate chemo mouth. I want to get the pressure washer out of the garage and give my mouth a blast! But I don't guess I will.

Fatigue seems to be my main side effect now too. I am not sleeping well either. I find that it's when I'm really worn out that I get depressed. Went into work today and just did the truly important stuff...then went home, took a nice nap and have just been lolling around all day. I am able to concentrate on reading again which is a huge help, takes my mind off everything and relaxes me. I think it is only natural that we are all getting worn out from this. I was very excited over finishing AC, but now dreading twelve more weeks of treatment. Plus, I thought I would feel like my old self during this three week break, but it's not meant to be. Tired, tired, tired! I'm just giving into it right now...works better in the long run than trying to fight it. I was exhausted yesterday and planned on taking the afternoon off, but ended up working all day. Today I was smarter!

Liz

Brenda-- my husband, who lives for the summer and our trips to the Cape, said that this is the first summer in his life that he's looking forward to Fall. And my very funny cousin said 'well, we're not scrap-booking this one'-- like, there are NO pictures of summer fun-- not that we didn't have any, but we're all wishing this time good riddance.

I do get choked-up when I look at my wedding pictures, which were just over a year ago now. My husband and I look so happy, and I just think that this beast was in me plotting against our happiness. It so makes me long to go back in time.

Bev-- some people (one of whom actually had cancer) said that this experience will make me into a better person. Totally peeved me. Frankly, I'm not sure that my moral character needs any adjusting (you'll have to take my word on this). Plus, I certainly don't need Stage IIIC bc to make that happen-- DCIS would have been just FINE for any needed attitude adjustment.

I know we'll all take some lessons from this experience, but please don't put pressure on yourself. The silver lining and lessons will make itself known in due time. Just my opinion, but maybe we're too in the thick of it to really process.

And yes, there are times when I ache and mourn for my former life-- I hope we'll all get it back soon.

Dana, I'm the same way about the other threads. It's addictive to want to look in, but then you see something that you just would have been better off not knowing about. I did that today, and I've been depressed and worried all day. I've got to quit thinking about everything that could go wrong for me, and think about how lucky we all are that this is happening in 2005 and not in 1975. But dammit, I want guarantees!

I too have to not read outside of our little thread here. I can swept into despair so easily.
I have been thinking about the year before the diagnosis and remembering how happy I was. I see pictures from that time and it seems like an illusion that I was ever in those scenes. It also seem impossible that I will ever be in scenes of regular life again.
I hope this is all the drugs in my system talking.
I have found the last few days very hard.
At least when I can be busy I am better able to keep the demons at bay.

Although we may learn lessons from this, I don't think we have cancer because we needed to learn them. If that were the case, I would've rather had the instruction manual thank you! I had someone say something like that to me...I wanted to say f--k you! However, I know the person meant well so I just let it pass. It is not our faults, it's just life can be capricious and unfair and we just have to learn to cope the best we can with what comes our way.

I have learned not to read too many threads either..can get into a real funk reading some. It's scary to feel so vulnerable to the whims of this disease. On the days I feel good emotionally and mentally...I just enjoy it to the hilt. On the days I am down, I console myself with thoughts of good things to come. Our lives are never going to be the way they were, but that doesn't mean they have to be terrible. I also tend to think of things as before and after BC. When people tell me I'm going to be fine because I have a positive attitude I want to smack them. I am not very patient at listening to people with minor problems. Nor am I very patient at listening to people who seem to think that the only day you should feel bad is the day of chemo...like it all goes out of your system in a day or two.

I am very glad to have this board to turn to and hear experiences and thoughts of people that are going through this together.

Liz

Just like you had no idea when you were feeling so happy and at peace last summer that you would be in cancer hell THIS summer- NEXT Summer is full of promise, excitement, and a new beginning...

Will you be a BETTER person because of this? I don't know about that- BUT I GUARANTEE YOU that you will be a NEW PERSON. This new girl has seen life from both sides. She has fought and won the hardest fight she was ever in and now her life is waiting for her.

You will notice stars, the specks on a sparrow's wings, hear the laughter of children and feel like you could burst with joy, you become the one who people turn to, look up to and need in times of trouble- why? Because you are a survivor. Who better to turn to than someone who knows so much?

This is a pause in your family life- it's true. Your whole family is in this. But YOU didn't put them there. It is ok to feel the sorrow of losing a family summer- but because you are so brave and smart and chose to FIGHT you are ensuring that you have many many more future summers together. Your whole family will come out stronger. You'll see.

If you didn't feel sorrow and have days of emotional meltdown you wouldn't be human- or you would be on some really great drugs.

The feelings start as fear go into fight mode and a 'Can Do!' attitude and then as the fatigue really hits and you are just so sick of being sick and being the SICK ONE- you get depressed. IT IS NORMAL. And many oncs prescribe antidepressants at this time to help you through the dark days. And when you are down if you hear a story about someone who didn't make it or you read the second half of Susan Love's book or you wander into a thread where you KNOW you shouldn't be you will be scared half to death. You will fear EVERYTHING.

Now listen- YOU are YOU- thank you for reminding us of the snowflakes Dana- the people who "didn't make it" or who are posting on the scary boards were not diagnosed with you- with your body and your immune system. Just like I see women who have not a speck of cellulite so too are you the women who quite possibly are members of the MAJORITY who make it through this in one piece and live to tell about it for MANY MANY years to come. But when you are freaking out all you can do is wonder just how long before you too will be posting on the metastatic board. ALL OF US feel like that.

But I will tell you a secret. The threads on the metastatic board are not all death and horror. In fact they are about women who are living and fighting their disease every day and winning.

I want all of you to do something for me. Plant some bulbs. Tulips, Daffs, hyacinths, whatever you like. By the time THEY come up and bloom you will be DONE. You will have flowering proof that you made it. And with the buds of spring comes the excitement of summer...your first summer as a survivor.

And what do survivors do? LIVE it UP! THIS year may have sucked- just wait til next summer. You will remember this and laugh at some point.


YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT FIGHTERS- you will have earned your rewards- trust me! And because of YOUR fight- you are giving your family the gift of many many summers and holidays together for YEARS to come. Isn't that the whole point?

YOU WILL GET THERE...
One snowflake at a time.

NoSurrender
I am going to take your advise and plant lots of bulbs-I've been meaning to do it for years-the squirrels ate all my tulips and the others are looking ragged. I've always been to caught up with teaching and the children-no time left. Since I took this year off(I'll get to sub in January)I have the time for bulbs.
No wonder I feel like I am a drift, I am not doing my passion-I just love getting children ready for kindergarten, the excitment they have for school when April comes-it is so cool!
AND my big baby is going to college Monday, the little one to kindergarten on Wednesday. Start Taxol on Tuesday-LOCK ME UP
ONE DAY AT A TIME

Today I am going to try to behave normally and then see if my mood will follow the behavior. I am going to try and paint and eat and be if not happy at least not sad.
This wil be a mini -challenge for the day.
Maybe I can fool myself into believing it is a normal day. ( the old normal not the new normal).