please, a kind word...

Hey 1vamom,

It sounds like you are doing everything, all the time.  Please know that you have worth and alot of us know it is not easy to raise a toddler.  I also have gone through a miscarriage - try to give yourself time to get through it.  I will be thinking good thoughts for you...please look out for yourself and your child.  You need love and understanding right now.

Oh my, you are doing so much already! and with your hormones still topsy-turvey and major blood loss on top of bad news.

i'm sure you love your SO, but he really sounds like he's being a ratbag over this, (HIS daughter too) doesn't he realise if you deteriorate and get back in hospital he would just have to do more so it would be much better to help now and keep you well? Men can be such shortsighted idiots!

Do you have the option of taking a few days staying with your mom or a friend? You need more help of some sort and soon.

Okay, a couple of things:

Quit baking cookies (3 year olds don't need them and SO will miss them...hehehehhee)

Quit baking your own bread (it costs less to buy and SO might miss it...hehehehehhe)

Put your daughter's bed together yourself or get a friend in. SO will be embarrassed and/or guilt-ridden. (Some types of guys need the nagging so they feel they are rebelling. If you don't nag, he hasn't nothing to bitch about!)

Tell SO you can't possibly have sex until  your daughter is in her own room. (AND you heal emotionally and physically from your miscarrige!)

How the heck did you conceive again when your DD sleeps with you???

It's certainly normal for kids to hate baths so tell SO to get over it. LOVE the idea of a swimming pool and her in a bathing suit - just might do the trick! A child's hair doesn't get dirty enough to wash every day. Have a bath without washing her hair and make it fun.

Your treatment for chemo should NOT be affected with your docs holidays! A program should have been put into place before he left. Get a new doc.

Put your feet up and enjoy some reading time with your DD; cuddling with DD and TV watching with DD. T'will be good for you two and SO might get jealous!

heheheheeheh

1vamom - I am so sorry for what you have gone through. So yes, put your feet up. I agree with Barbe (she is one wise woman!) - no more baking, have someone help with the bed. And housework can wait.

 Have you heard of "Cleaning for a Reason?" www.cleaningforareason.org This is an organization that provides housework for cancer patients. They could help you out. There are a number of Virginia cities where the service is available.

Hi 1vamom,

You've really been through the wringer!  I'm so sorry for all that you're going through.  Try to cut yourself some slack - you're not crazy, but it sounds like your "ratbag" is sending you there!   I think Barbe has the best advice.  You need to cut wayyyyy back.  Seriously.  Do what you need to do to get through today.  Don't bother with the extras (especially the ratbag - is he really worth it?).  Take DD in the shower with you - let her shampoo your hair and then do hers (tear-free shampoo only!). Let the housework go -call cleaning for a reason and let friends and family help.  DD can sleep on a mattress on the floor - call it a camp-out, and maybe you can join her for a fun girls sleepover.  

I don't mean to sound harsh, but It sounds like you  really need to do some soul searching to see if your SO is really worth the "hassle."  There's a book called (I think) "Learning to Leave" that I read before I left my ex, and it really helped to put things in perspective.  If he doesn't respect you and support you in this terrible time of need, and if he is so egocentric that he can't/won't step up to raise his own child, then what DOES he do for you, really?  Do you have other options such as moving in with a friend or family member while you recover and get back on your feet?   

Best of luck.  Take care of yourself and your daughter and know we're here!

Hang in there and keep reaching out!   Great idea about contacting the surgeon's office - maybe try the oncologist's office too. 

Hugs to you and DD!

VAmom - this matters!  YOU matter.

The suggestions here are all good. But they will only help if YOU TAKE THEM.  

Some questions to add:
Do you have extended family or close friends nearby? You MUST get them involved. Whether you are going to be on your own or stay with him, you clearly need more support. Ask for help for people to come in the evenings, on weekends, help with housework or fun time with DD to give you a break to REST. You MUST conserve your strength for what lies ahead.  The short term is LESS IMPORTANT than the long term. You want to dance at your DD's wedding and be a grandma. Your ability to do that depends on what you do today. You need to REST, eat well, REST, eat well, and spend time with DD. EVERYTHING ELSE is secondary (or tertiary).

Second, are you going to a cancer center that provides support, either in a group or do they have a cancer psychologist on staff? If so, and if your insurance will cover, GO! It will help you.  When I hear someone saying "I know, I know" but they can't seem to 'get it', a professional can help break through the underlying blocks.  I am not being critical here - I went myself and it REALLY HELPED ME. I never realized that I truly believed that if I was not on top of everything, that those close to me wouldnt' love me anymore.  When that truth hit me, there were LOTS of tears but since then, I am MUCH more accepting of myself and my limitations and guess what - people still DO love me - just for ME, not everything I DO FOR THEM.  So please consider this to help your head become clear with these truths.

Third - reprioritize. Figure out what you can do, what can go by the wayside (skip the non-essential cooking/baking for now) and stop worrying about extraneous things. I realize that when you were healthy, you enjoyed those domestic elements and they were important to you. But with the diagnosis, everything changed. If DD hates the hair washing, give her a very short pixie hair cut - that will make the whole process easier.

Fourth - give yourself a hug from all of us. Come back with ANY/ALL questions/concerns. There are LOTS of strong brave ladies here (just like you) who are on the other side of treatment who will love and support you every step of the way. And give that DD an extra hug - she just inherited a whole lot of aunties!

In sisterhood - 

Amy

VA mom--My goodness  you have been through so much!  I admire you for handling things thus far.  I agree, honey, take a tip from these wise women--do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your little one.  You are worth it, and don't let the rat insinuate that you haven't been working by raising your baby and taking care of her up till now.  That is the most important work in the world!!  I can only imagine how you must feel, I don't know what else to tell you except that I am glad you are writing to us and we will support you all we can.  Remember who you are!!  xo In sisterhood

Hugs, 1vamom.

You really hit the nail on the head when you said, "it's not worth killing myself to please someone who doesn't seem inclined to help me." Amy is right - please think long term and take care of yourself so you can see your kids grow up. If that means you and the kids getting out, then that's what it means.

I think you're wise to say, "I really feel the need to put all this out in front of someone who is paid to just listen to it all." You're not "bugging them" - it's what they're there for! Good for you for taking the initiative to look for support services at your hospital. If they are overbooked and don't get back to you, here are a couple of other possibilities: 

Is there a women's shelter in your neighborhood that might point you to some resources? Even though he's not physically abusing you, it sounds like emotionally he is, and they might be able to help.

Or is there a college or university with a women's center? Again, they would know of the resources in your community.

You must be so exhausted. Seeking help must seem like one more burden that you've got no energy for. But even just a phone call to one of these resources might point you to help that could lighten your load.

Have you thought about what help you could ask for from your teenage son? Most teenagers are NEVER going to notice on their own when their parents need help, but can be surprisingly willing to help if they're asked. 

Oh, and about that hair washing - my middle child was the same way, until we hit on the idea of making "dinosaur spikes" on his head out of the shampoo and letting him see them in the mirror. Then he was able to have enough fun with it that we could get through it.

Good luck to you.  Please give us an update when you can on how you are doing.

Anne 

if dd likes swimming - why not try swim goggles (if shampoo in the eyes is part of the issue).

Hi VAMom,

   You have so much on your plate right now.  Sending you a big hug.

 I would suggest calling your PCP, rather than the surgeon's office, and make an appt.  Your PCP may recommend medication and have quicker access to counseling support.  My PCP is my "go to" doctor.  She's on top of all my medical issues .. I see the surgeon, etc. only for regular appts.

Best of luck,

Bren

1vamom,

Amy has suggested a lot of good resources at the hospital you're at, and I agree with her that starting there first is a good idea.

But if you get to the point where you do want to switch providers - I got to that point myself, and here's what I did.

I went to the National Cancer Institute website and used their list of NCI-accredited cancer centers. The two in my state are the Mayo Clinic and the University of Minnesota. Then I found out from my primary care clinic that Mayo is not in their network, but U of MN is, so they were willing to give me a referral to U of MN. I have been *extremely* happy with the care I get at U of MN. My doctors are very smart, they and their support staffs are unfailingly supportive, and when I have any scans or tests, they give me the results the same day or the next day. (This was the issue that caused me to leave my original clinic - my original clinic let the MRI that first showed my tumor and showed I needed a biopsy sit on someone's desk for *eleven days* until I finally called them and asked when I'd be getting my results - and they said they hadn't been typed up yet!)

Here is the link where you can search for NCI-accredited cancer centers by state: 

http://www.nci.nih.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/NCI/cancer-centers 

I put in Virginia and it says there are two in Virginia, one at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, and one at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond.

It looks like both of those are a pretty far trek from northern Virginia, so then I put in Maryland and it turns out there are two in Baltimore, one at Johns Hopkins and one at the University of Maryland.

Johns Hopkins is of course one of the premier medical universities in the country. If your insurance network gives you the option to go there, you might want to consider it.

The University of Minnesota cancer center is a 45-mile drive from where I live. The clinic that took 11 days just to type up my MRI is just 15 minutes up the road from me. I have been much happier doing the 45-mile drive to be treated by people whom I like and trust who always treat me with respect. The extra hour that's added to every round trip is more than worth it to me.

Amy's right, ultimately this is up to you, but I just wanted to share this resource because it proved so helpful to me.

Anne 

((((HUG))))  I have a 2 year old and am a single Mom. Breast cancer really didn't fit in but it decided to come anyway. I am lucky that I have a lot of great friends and neighbors who have helped me. Maybe if you put the word out someone will help. Believe me, people really do want to help. If you live anywhere near me (long Island, NY) your daughter can come over for a play date anytime.