I could use some advice/encouragement

thepinkbirdie · January 2010

In the end, I know I'm the only one who can decide which way to go with this. However, I would like to get opinions, advice, etc. on a serious issue I've been dealing with... getting married.I'm in my forties, single, never married and Catholic.My parents divorced when I was in my early to mid-twenties. My mother and I developed an unhealthy, dependent relationship with each other.It was about the time of my parents divorce that I gave up on dating and or ever getting married. In those years, my mother encouraged me to not marry, to remain single and to not look for trouble. I was pretty much all for remaining single after watching my parents divorce and after having spent years working with women who have been married and divorced, some as many as 3 times or more.When I reached my late thirties, I realized that I did not want to remain single for the rest of my life. I wanted someone to grow old with. I wanted to be married. To have a partner in life.I happened upon a Catholic singles site that became of great interest to me. At the time, I was very scared of meeting anyone via the internet, so I limited my communications to only men who were of a significant driving distance. I had been stalked once before and didn't want to go through that again... so I figured if a guy was serious he'd go the distance. Also, I had gone to local "singles" group activities when I was in my twenties. When I attended some of these events nearly 20 years later, it was the same group of people. I began referring to them as "professionally" single.Well, when I had my first date with a man from the singles site, my mother was estactic, telling me that she had been praying for God to send me a good man. However, once I disclosed to her that I met him on the internet through a Catholic site, she became enraged. She accused me of needing therapy, that there must be something wrong with me for going on the internet to search for someone.Throughout the small number of guys I met, my mother began telling me that God had shown things to her about each of them. I got suckered into it all. She drove me crazy.I met and got engaged to a wonderful man who is a widower with 3 young children. My mother has never accepted him. She was outraged when he called her and asked to meet her. She told me that she had been shown that he was criminal, greedy, evil, etc. She said he was a little man and that no one wanted him. She even went so far as to tell me that he was responsible for his wife's death. His wife died of an amniotic fluid embolism while pregnant.When I learned of my diagnosis, my fiance and I went to my mother's house to tell her in person. She had the nerve to jump ahead of me and suggest that I was pregnant! After discussing with her that my fiance would be taking me back to South Carolina, she was in agreement that it was what was best for me. I had little support back home and my mother being in her seventies would not be able to assist me properly after the surgery and through chemo, etc.I have no doubt that it was difficult on my mother for me to have left. She appeared to be doing well during our phone calls. My fiance and I returned to my hometown about two weeks ago to pack up my house and move it all here in SC. After we got there, my mother came over to see me. She was happy and excited and offered her credit card to us to go out to eat while we were back in town.Well, two days later, I called her and she was like a tornado. She even went so far as to tell me that my breast cancer was a punishment from God and that she no longer had a daughter.My fiance has been a blessing to me. I'm of the mindset that most men would have not only left me because of the cancer, but also because of my crazy mother. He has been compassionate in his words of her.I know I need counseling. I had been with a therapist back home and now need to find one here in the Charleston area.I've been wishy washy about marrying. I'm having difficulty feeling any physical attraction to him or even any feelings toward him anymore. They were there. I think it all got squashed when he and I were in the early stages of the relationship and my mother said such horrible things about him. And I think the stress of the cancer, surgery, chemo, etc. MAY be screwing up my hormones.I also think I have some kind of "princess" or "cinderella" complex. I've always fantasized that the man I would one day marry would be a doctor or lawyer and would be good looking. I think my mother basically set me up to believe that I'm too good for just anyone.I guess what I'm looking for from those of you who are married or have been married... is some kind of "spiritual advice or inspiration" about "choosing" a spouse vs. being in love and physical attraction. I've seen far too many people who fell in love, married, fell out of love and then divorced.I've also seen a number of women on here whose husband has walked out on them after their diagnosis.The reason I've posted this in this forum, is because of the prayers I've said to God asking for guidance in my life. Well, more like asking him to pave the path for me.I had been with the same employer for nearly 20 years and had been growing depressed and realized that it was not a place that I belonged. I prayed for some meaning in my life. Ironically, on the morning that I was going in to give my notice that I would be leaving my job, I received a phone call and was told that I had been recommended to take over some work for a support group.I feel that all of my prayers have been answered. I believe that God has had a hand in where I am today and that he had a hand in bringing me and my fiance together. I enjoy sitting next to him in Mass. I enjoy my time spent with him. But, I find that I don't want to be physically intimate with him. I don't want to kiss him. He comes up to me in the morning to snuggle and I want to push him away.I'm scared and completely lost. I'm officially unemployed, out of FMLA, out of disability insurance. I have no one to turn to for sound advice and guidance. It's like everything is crashing in all at once.Sorry for so much rambling.

ktym · January 2010

marei317: I can't tell you if it is the right thing to marry this particular gentleman or not. I can tell you that after many years of marriage the things that matter when you're younger don't matter when you're older. Forget the Cinderella vision. As long as the two of you have an equal relationship and can relate and enjoy talking to each other it does not matter what he does or how he looks. It matters that you agree on religion if that is important to you, agree on priorities, finances, raising kids, how you'll spend your time apart and with each other, and how you treat each other. I still kind of just look dumbfounded when people ask me if I got jewlry for Christmas. No, he's not the type to go do that. But, he helped me with my drains after surgery, thought that when I was bald with thrush and an expander that I was still sexy and beautiful (never pushed, but was always there), takes out the garbage when we're both too tired to do it, and goes out in frigid weather when I'm too tired to do grocery shopping because its important that someone who has had cancer eat brocolli and strawberries etc. He's never once used who was making more money as a power play, and supports me when I take on new projects at work. He tells me he is not classically handsome. I look at the man who has at times enraged me, at times been busy and tired, and never perfect, but who always always loved me even when it must have been hard to do. So, in my eyes he is handsome. That is all that matters. So, I don't know your situtation, but would urge you to forget Cinderella and judge him on his actions words and feelings.

re: sex appeal. That is an issue. But you sure have been dealing with a lot. My BC diagnosis and treatment has sure been a strain on us, can't imagine how hard it would be on a new relationship. I would urge you to give yourself time and not hesitate to get some counseling and help in that regard. Make sure its not everything you've been dealing with and how you feel in your own skin that is making sex not desireable to you right now.

swimangel72 · January 2010

Marie - let me say you sound like a caring and wonderful daughter and your fiance sounds like a wonderful gentleman. On March 31st I will be celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary - we have three nearly adult children........my relationship with my dh has always been very physical even after I went through menopause.........yet now, after my BC dx, surgery, infections, year of chemo, more surgery and infection and seromas, I have absolutely no interest in physical intimacy with my DH. But I don't blame myself...........I blame the Arimidex I'm taking which has totally eliminated the remaining estrogen in my body - even the estrogen created by my body fat (of which I have a lot). My DH has been very patient and kind............but I feel bad that I no longer initiate anything with him. I am telling you this to reassure you that it may not be anything in your mind that is causing your lack of physical attraction to your wonderful fiance..........it may not be something that therapy can help............you should discuss the drugs you're taking with your doctors and see if they could give you a small "vacation" to see if you feel more like your old self. You started on a new journey with your fiance.........you've come a looong way baby since the person you were while living with your mother.........for this you should take strength to keep moving forward. Don't look backwards too much.........work with your fiance on building your new life together. If you do go for therapy, go for couple therapy. I know it helped my brother who got married late in life...........good things will come your way thanks to God's help - and may His angels continue to watch over you and guide you!

Edited to add: kmmd - your DH sounds so much like my own, may God bless them both! I agree with everything your wrote. I too had a "Cinderella - like " vision of what my future husband would be, but I abandoned that thinking long before meeting my DH.........knowing my own imperfections, how could I expect a perfect man? God helped me to become less judgmental - it wasn't easy - I had to suffer a bit - like taking a rock and grinding it and grinding it to make a jewel, I think that's what God does to us to perfect our souls............and fortunately I learned prior to meeting my DH that "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." (from "The Little Prince")

Claire_in_Seattle · January 2010

Dear Marie....

I am so thrilled you have someone wonderful in your life, and this person is not your mother who I think has been absolutely horrible to you. Yes, I do think you need some counseling here.

The other ladies have addressed the physical intimacy issue (although I have to say that I have not found this to be an issue with Main Squeeze, who has been more than wonderful to me). But the hormonal issues, plus the assault on one's physical self-image send a lot of women into a tail spin that way.

I know we are programmed to look for our Prince, but in the end, we need someone who cares, is there for us, who makes us laugh, who encourages us to be our best, who we can share with. Those are the things you need to think about. I do have to say that I think your fiance has these qualities.

In terms of physical contact, I think you have to ask for patience as you work through this. Counseling will help you get rid of the script of your mother playing in the background, which I think is evil BTW. I see the script as being something like 1) how can you have deserted her wonderfulness for a mere man 2) this is why God punished you with BC 3) you should be forever cursed. No wonder, you cringe at the thought of any physical contact. (I think there is another Fairy Tale that gets at this script and it's not Cinderella.)

But as I said at the top, you need to get past this one and draw your support and comfort from the one who has been with you through this period of your life. That needs to be your immediate goal, and I think you will get there once you break the video your mother has carefully programmed into you. (Need to look at your signature and not keep following the same script forever....and expect anything different to happen in your life.)

Once you achieve this breakthrough, I think you can move forward with the rest of your life. This includes your career and putting the rest of the pieces in order.

You also need to tell your mother that you will not listen to any more of her hystrionics. This probably means leaving the house when she starts to go down that path or hanging up the phone on her. She will try more stuff, but you do have the power to say no. She only has power over you if you let her have it and she has controlled your life for far too long.

Don't let her spoil your happiness and ruin your life. Just say no!!!

One other question: is there someone in your church who can help you sort out the spirtual part of this? I met with the Rector of my church twice and found it invaluable. But you will need someone compassionate, not someone who will beat you over the head for the sins you have committed. So make sure you pick the right person.

Good luck with everything. I see you as emerging into a new and exciting life with a wonderful man, having put the ghosts of the past behind you. And I think you will get there quite soon as this is the first step in the great move forward! - Claire

thepinkbirdie · February 2010

Thank you ladies for your responses! Now, if only I could get an appointment with a therapist around here!

spar2 · February 2010

Marie, I agree with the others and I also had a very physical good relationship with my husband until arimidex and now have no sexual urges at all. You do have a lot on your plate. If you are already living with him and love him for the way he treats you (he sounds great) then I would be all for getting married and having that security and partner to grow old with and of course how you and the kids get along. I wish you the very best. Big hugs.

sdstarfish · February 2010

Yes, I agree that this is a tricky situation for you, and many of us. We are different girls after cancer, in some ways good and in some ways bad - and in some ways neither good or bad, just different. So of course this can affect our relationships. Counseling would be great so you can determine the context of your feelings - is it just him, or marriage in general/ Is it reluctance for sex due to body changes? Or is it lack of attraction to him specifically? etc.

Hugs,

Lisa

loligag · February 2010

The ladies have given you fabulous advise and input. You had feelings and attraction for him before and you will again. It would be different if you never felt that way.He sounds like a keeper and worth fighting for. BTW, your mother has said atrocious things to you, absolutely diabolical. I know the bible says honor thy mother and thy father, but it doesn't mean you have to listen to her evil rants. She needs counseling or meds or something, way more than you do. My .02 cents. Hugs and blessings.

I could use some advice/encouragement

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