My So Called Life

coss · January 2010

Is anyone else feeling detached from everyday life since finishing treatment? Six months after my last Herceptin and port removal I still have the sense that I'm watching my own life being played out by an actress, the one who stepped in for me when I heard the words invasive ductal carcinoma. She came in handy during surgery, chemo and rads but I'm ready to have the real me back. I function just fine at work and at home but my mind is still cancer 24/7. I can't decide if this is normal or if I should find myself a good shrink. Anybody?

BFidelis · January 2010

Hi coss,

What you are feeling is very common -- a feeling of loss, emptiness when "active" treatment is over. My head was not a good place to be from dx until about 2 years out (months after Herceptin ended.) Not that my whole life was awful those 2 years, there was much hell and torment. And life is not a straight-line progression; there are good days and bad, but soon you will see that the scales are tipping a little more toward the good ones. Don't ever think that being in cancer world 24/7 means something is wrong with you. We have been diagnosed with a medical condition whose treatment is never really over. And your sisters and brothers here know that. We also know that you are very likely to encounter people who will want/expect you to "get past it" and "get back to normal."

Some will talk about finding a "new normal." And early on in this journey, that phrase really bothered me. I am now 3.5 years out from dx and the words mean something different to me now. I've come to realize that I am still me inside, and a me that has continued to do what needs to be done to turn plans into realities. I just no longer expect other people to understand how cancer has affected me.

I have an actress in me, too. I am still comfortable with letting her take over on occasion (particularly with unfamiliar the people/situations.) Sounds like yours is doing a very good job, so let her. As your life gets increasingly "routine" you may find yourself more centered. (The Zen Master says if you seek enlightenment, wash your bowl.) If not, however, do NOT hesitate to talk to someone. I chose my PCP and he prescribed some mild anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds during the dark time. I truly believe they helped. (I don't take them anymore.) Some posters find that journalling is helpful for sorting out your feelings.

You are VERY NORMAL around here.

Peace,

Beth

coss · January 2010

Beth,

It's nice to get some perspective from someone farther along on this journey. I don't know about the new normal yet. I just know there was a before and now there's an after and the after part is still a work in progress. You're right, not every day is awful and keeping busy helps. I wonder if those of us who got Herceptin have a harder time of it because treatment was so darned long. I feel like I lost a year of my life. Thanks for the kind words.

Cathy

iodine · January 2010

Hi Cathy, I agree with you about the length of treatment being an added bit of "joy".

I also agree that you are NORMAL. But, many of us have found counseling to be of benefit along with the right drug treatment. Usually on a temp. basis. You don't need a shrink, you are not mentally ill, but would likely benefit from a psychlogist or clinical social worker who has experience in cancer treatment.

And, please, keep comming here -- we are a big help to each other.

swimangel72 · February 2010

Cathy - we have similar signatures - I was dx'd about a month before you - and I also needed Herceptin with chemo for a year. You are correct - I feel like I lost a year of my life - then on top of that, with infections, seromas, and additional abdominal surgery, I felt like I lost another year. I'm coming up on my two year anniversary - of my surgery, not my dx (the day of surgery was more memorable/terribe for me than even the date of my dx which still remains a big blur). I had my secoond mammo last Friday on my remaining good breast (left side) and went frigid cold when they called me back in for a second "take". (They didn't to that last year). The "actress" in me kept on talking and walking - but it was a huge relief when the radiologist said everything was fine. I am extremely busy in my life.........work and family..........and somedays I never think about the Beast.........but then something will happen (like a phone call-question from the insurance company to see if I had any other insurance coverage) and I talked on and on to the sympathetic listener about all I suffered with my surgeries, chemo and infection problems. Poor young man - he didn't get the "short" story he was probably looking for. When I hung up the phone, I felt embarassed that the dam had burst .........I had thought I was all talked-out about this.......obviously that's not true, and that's why I'm still here at bc.org. I think the Her2+++ dx was a huge difference in my mind.........it made my Stage 1, Grade 1 small BC suddenly become Beastly.........I saw the change in my oncologist's face as soon as he got the results of my Fish report.......I'll never forget it. I sometimes visit the her2support.org web site and the stories there break my heart.........and so many Stage 1 Her2+ women are now Stage 4, it's very frightening........but I reassure myself that many of those women didn't get the benefit of Herceptin as early as I did.

Sorry to go on and on Cathy - but I emphathize with you.........I haven't found the need for anti-depressants - I'm usually quite bouyant and optimistic with plenty to spare...........so to anyone who doesn't know me, I appear perfectly fine. But I know in my heart how changed I really am, inside and out - but I thank God's angels who have helped me get through the darkest days........and I am trying to keep my eyes upon the beauty in the world and not the sadness.

coss · February 2010

Yes, my Her2 status definitely keeps me looking over my shoulder. It was hard for me to explain to friends and family why I was going after my early stage breast cancer with such an aggressive treatment plan. Their eyes would glaze over with all the science talk so I didn't bother after a while. They were worried and wanted me to be done, and I understand that, but only those of us who have been through it know it's a lot more complicated than that. We may be done but we're also changed forever. My 2 year anniversary is next month. It feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once. I think I'm making some baby steps toward moving on. The good days outnumber the bad for the most part. It's nice to know there are others making this same journey. Thanks. Cathy

My So Called Life

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