I can't get my act together and I don't know why

I am so glad I found this thread! Reading back to what everyone else has to say...I am glad I am not alone. I cannot for the life of me get myself together!!!  The biggest "mystery" is the amount of sleep I still need. It makes me sick to know I sleep as much as I do. My other big issue is the weight. I have gained 28 big pounds since this started. I just joined a gym, so hopefully that number will start to drop. I do not even know what the word motivation means anymore. Anybody else get severe joint pain? I thought it was from the tamox, but onco said it is an after effect of the chemo. Arghhhhh!

I used to love to sleep and would enjoy weekend naps if I could.

Now I am just so tired and over having to sleep so much. I often wonder just before I go to sleep if this is how it is going to be ....is this my new normal?

I look around my house now and all I see is work but the energy is not there to do it.  Again not like the old me.  There is washing to do , and washing to fold, bathrooms to clean, dishes to do, vaccuming, tidying and dusting as well as some errands to do with our house renovations.

But where to start first?????

Thinking that I might just make a cuppa and go and sit in my overgrown garden that also needs attention.

I think it is time to stop thinking of myself as superwoman and accept that yes I have had cancer and that yes things are now different.

Big hugs my friends

Viv

Hey ya'll......I can't believe I just saw this thread TODAY!

I finished chemo almost 2 years ago, Herceptin 1 year ago and currently taking Arimidex.

I just CANNOT get my act together!!

Back in the summer I was in the hospital for a stomach "virus" that took forever to get over.

Now I'm in my second week of bronchitis (what the doc says), taking 2 types of antibiotics, and just do not have the energy to hardly lift my arms to type.

Has anyone noticed more little illnesses that are hard to be rid of since chemo, etc.? I take vitamins and my blood work was normal in December at onc visit.

I just feel ..............bleh.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I think I just need to MAKE myself go and do stuff that I just really don't feel like doing.

((((((((((hugs all))))))))))

I can relate to this.  I finished radiation last April and thought that my life would get back to normal.  Well, it did not.  I tried Tamoxifen and I had such side effects that I stopped it and am now trying the natural route.  I still get so tired that I can hardly put one foot in front of the other.  It is a difficult feeling, not like I have not slept enough, just physcially exhausted.  I used to be full of energy and very perky and now I just don't feel like myself.  People are just starting to say I look better ( I lost a lot of weight and have put some back on) and how strong I am, yet I really don't feel it.

Today happens to be a down day.  I have found that as time has gone on I am more concerned about a reoccurance then I was before.  I am more scared then when I was first diagnosed.  Life has changed, there is no getting away from it.  Hot flashes, then chills, and I have lost my libido. Sexual intercourse is so painful that I just am unable to do it. I been talking to the doctors about it and am going to the oncolgist this week and will be armed with information. My gyno would like to put me on the estring, but she says that she has to defer to the oncologist.  I understand that completely.  So I will see what she says this week.  I research and research for answers and everything seems to contradict one another.  I am 52 and my boyfriend moved in with me in August and I must say he is very patient, but I feel inadequate.  

I also don't think that people understand how cancer changes one's life.  Yes, there are positives that come out of it and I realize the importance of focusing on those, yet it is no picnic and what was once taken for granted health wise and just in general is now forever altered.  I have always exercised, and done yoga and meditated for over ten years.  I tried to eat healthy etc.  No family history and then out of the blue the diagnosis of breast cancer.  I am tired a lot of the time.  I want my energy back.  Sometimes I am just as tired in the morning as when I go to bed.  My boyfriend is an early riser and a go getter and he had a hard time understanding that there are times I just want to rest.  I work full time in a stressful job as a social worker trying to meet the needs of clients in a low income city. I have two daughters with special needs.  My 24 year old daughter was diagnosed with lupus when she was 15 and she has been so sick from time to time.  We almost lost her two years ago, yet she is a trooper and a wonderful example for me. I feel guilty complaining after all she has gone through and continues to work and go to school.  My other daughter is 21 and has had behavioral health issues since she was very little, and although she has come a long way, I still worry about her and her future.  So, when I combine this with dealing with having had cancer, it can be exhausting emotionally.  

I assume it just takes some people longer then others.  I have a therapist and she is wonderful and totally understands how I feel, but that is not the everyday world and those within it.  I must say though, that if anything good has come out of this is that I try to make myself a priority.  I never did.  Everyone always came first and now I try to stand up for my needs.

If the person I am with now can't understand this from time to time, then perhaps we will have to part ways.  He is supportive in some ways, but just doesn't get it at times.  He wants his needs met, but there are times I feel he doesn't understand mine.  Adjusting to living with someone after being divorced for six years is difficult enough without the added issue of living with breast cancer.  I really think that people expect you to just magically be who you were before and at least for me, it is not that way.  There are times, like today where it gets to me and there is no one to talk to about it.  So I decided to write.  I have thougth of joining a support group, but I do not want to be in one where people are actively in treatment.  They are thinking of starting one for people who have finshed chemo and or raditation and if they do I may consider that.  As with anything, unless you have actually been there it is hard to understand.

I say let the housework go or take it a litte at a time and then rest.  Little by little it will get done.  I understand that we all feel better when there is organization and order in our lives, but perhaps give yourself a break and just do what you can, knowing that it will get done, just a little slower then before.  I used to vaccuum every night after work and now I try to do it a couple of times a week.  My chest muscles were so sore and I was so tired after work (still am) that I just could not do it.

Hang in there.  We did make it through something that hopefully fewer women will have to endure. It does give us strenght when we least expect it.  Just writing I am beginning to feel better already.  Besides yoga, humor is my saving grace.  I somehow can find something humorous in most situations.   My breasts are different sizes (I had biopsies in both, but they were actually more like lumpectomies) and the one that was begnign is smaller then the one that had the cancer.  Needless to say my bras did not fit right.  So I thought what can I do, so I came up with the idea of knee highs for bras that are not padded.  I fold nude colored ones and place them into the cups and I now have even breasts if I wear a top that the bra will show through.  The other great part is that if I get a run in my panty hose I can just whip one out and off I go. Now how many women without breast cancer can do that !

Take good care,

Julianne 

(((((((((((((((hugs to everyone))))))))))))))   Man...some of the stories hit so close to home! 

Makraz...I just went for my first onocology visit since finishing rads Dec. 14th.  After reading on the threads about Vit D levels, I requested one.  My nurse called and mine is VERY low.  She wants me to take 2000 iu daily.  They will retest after being on it a month. 

One foot in front of the other nowadays!

No, my act is still not together. I am working on income tax return but missing a needed form. My dryer has been broken so laundry is piling up. I chose to make some wedding favors instead of cleaning house. If I don't go to the grocery store tomorrow we are going to have to start eating the emergency hurricane canned food...yuck. It's getting warm enough that the weeds are starting to come up and it has been cold enough that the flowers are all dead. And my hair is just a mess... I have given up on it :-(

pam 

Hey Linda,

I STILL haven't been able to get my act together, either.  LOL

But I was talking to another BCO friend, and she asked me what happened to this thread...  so I found it and bumped it up... figured we were all very busy, NOT getting our act together!!  lol

When Patrice mentioned that she hadn't been able to keep up with her laundry, and she had to buy clean underwear, it made me laugh!!   That is the last I remember reading this thread...

Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Harley

I think if there is one thing we all learn is that no one should judge us by the state of our house.

That used to be so important to me.  Then I broke my foot and could not walk for two months, even upstairs to bed.  Then my Mom had a stroke and broke her hip when she fell during the event and did not recover.  She died seven weeks later.  Just about the time I found a lump that turned out to be breast cancer.  Three years later, I still find dust bunnies here and there, and am still pulling down the random cobweb.  Those things don't define me anymore.

The point I am trying to make is that it takes time to get all of your strength and stamina back, and expecting that to happen in a minute is unfair to yourselves.  If everything isn't up to your standards for a while, you are not alone.  You can shield your eyes and put up with it or you can call in some help, but don't think you can heal yourself and polish the furniture to a high shine at the same time.  Again, it's a matter of priorities, and for once in your life, your life should be at the top of the list.       

LOL ... name those 'bunnies' and make friends with them

Taking off your glasses makes all kinds of dust and stuff disappear too!

I found it takes a long time to get that energy back ... and cancer has a way of changing your priorities too.  Having my floors clean enough to eat off of never was high on my list.  It's not on my list at all now ... that's what I have a table for anyway. 

Raili - I read your post with sadness. What a lot you have been through and what a lot of burdens you are carrying. My thoughts:
First - it is completely unproductive and self-defeating to compare yourself with others.  Yes, others have it worse, but that in NO WAY affects the reality of what you are going through. Your pain and struggle is yours, completely irrespective of anybody else's.

Second - if you are not sleeping well, it is much more difficult to face ANYTHING. Maybe try some melatonin (natural) before bed or other sleep-improving tricks (you can find online). If nothing works, maybe ask for a sleep aid from the doctor.  Sleep makes a HUGE difference in our ability to cope. DO NOT underestimate this.

Third -  it is unrealistic to expect other people to 'understand' what you are going through and that you are still dealing with things even though you look healthy on the outside, etc etc etc.  Other people are caught up with/consumed with THEIR OWN struggles. This is YOUR JOB - to protect and care for yourself, without guilt, without regret, without second thoughts.  It is completely unreasonable for your 'friends' to ask you to babysit right after surgery. And so...your response is 'no, I can't do that' or "sorry, that won't work for me" or something like that. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You seem like someone who has trouble saying no. Am I reading that correctly?  If so, that is YOUR JOB to learn that skill.  There are many books written on this subject (for women who have trouble saying no). Maybe get one and read it.  OR if not, just PRACTICE. I'm not kidding.  Find a few lines (like I suggested above) and say them out loud, over and over, at various points in your day (like when driving, taking a shower, etc.).  You might feel silly, but the more you say them, the more natural they will feel. The words will not stick in your throat. I promise this WILL really help you.

If I read your post right, you have been through all this cancer stuff, plus have children, plus are working?  Right there, that is a lot to carry. You have to make the changes in your own life to make it work for you- and that includes saying NO, limiting your activities (and not feeling guilty about it) and taking good care of yourself.

I hope I don't sound harsh. I don't feel that way at all - I just see a young woman struggling with so many things and my heart hurts for you.  Oh, and get the uterine biopsy - the worry from not doing it is probably worse than actually getting it over with.

Please PM me if there is anything I can do to help.

In support and sisterhood -

Amy 

I am so identidying with all of theses posts.

I'm so glad to see this thread. With just a few herceptin treatments to go, I just had a scare involving my RO being fairly sure that my NED status had changed to mets. I had 6 weeks to wait before a scan, and I completely broke down. Self-medicated, etc. I am now in the process of seeking help from a center for holistic healing, since while I have the medical side covered, I don't think others realize what this disease does to your mind.

My place doesn't look too bad but stuff is on every surface, piles of paperwork, tax prep, mags, never get anything really completed. Even the Christmas decor is still hanging around.  It's all about figuring out the cancer thing and attempting to get the rest done.  I plan to have an auction becasue I just don't give a s*#@ to keep anything.  It could be fun to start over. 

gsg,

Sorry your Mom is doing ok.

I had to laugh, reading some of these old posts, one where you said that instead of washing clothes, you just bought more underwear!   LOL 

I am also not getting my act together.  I even lost my password and couldn't get back on bco...  so I had to re-register....   How pathetic!

Good to see you again!!

HUGS
Harley

Hi y'all:  I felt the same way after finishing my rads on January 19th.  But I can say that each day I feel better.  I was kinda holding my breath till that first visit with my RO after finishing rads, but I got my first NED and it felt great.

I have 4 grandchildren so Christmas was wonderful this year.  This is the first year since my Momma died (12/31/06 lung cancer) that I've felt like things will be okay.  I really missed her a lot since I started on this breast cancer journey.

I am trying to get ready for our annual family get together for Easter.  We'll have about 25 people at our house for 4 days!  I can't wait.  I've been steam cleaning carpets, planning the menu, getting stuff together for the kids to do, etc.

I think this is my new normal and I'm just so blessed to have so many friends and family cheering me on.  Also, the women on these boards have really inspired me and I continue to be amazed at so many women with so much courage.

((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to all y'all!